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Catman Lethal Track
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Catman in Lethal Track (Review)

September 11, 2006By

Catman in Lethal Track


1990

Starring
Jonathan Isgar as Catman
Johnanna Brownstein as ???
Kenneth Goodman as ???
Danny Lau as ???
Tas Lehoczky as ???
Blue Moroney as ???
Directed by Godfrey Ho

From the fiery depths of Hell comes this abomination that curses the cinematic lands. The horror that men dare not speak its name can only be conceptualized as Catman! Astonishingly, this is the more coherent of the two Catman films, which are part of the rogue’s gallery of monstrosities heaped upon the good people of the Earth by one Godfrey Ho and on Joseph Lai, two ringleaders in terror extravagance. When they aren’t producing hundred of films with “ninja” in the title in some way, they are creating many extra films of the “martial arts” genre, in that they purchase films from overseas and intersplice a few minutes of original footage and a complete overdub, thus coming up with a comprehensive plot. In theory. In practice, it’s a confusing mess, and Catman in Lethal Track is no exception. Most of the film watching time is spent trying to figure out just what in the heck is going on at the moment. The rest is waiting for Catman’s sorry behind to arrive to save the day. Godfrey Ho monstrosities that have reached TarsTarkas.NET before include Robo Vampire and Undefeatable, and we can be assured he will hit our shores again like a Luftwaffe bombardment, striking out of nowhere to make us go running for the bomb shelter.

Catman is quite simply the lamest hero to ever grace the silver screen. Not that I think these films ever were exhibited on a silver screen anywhere, or even a copper screen, or a rust screen. Catman is lamer than Rat Pfink and Boo-boo, lamer than Batman and Robin Batman and Robin, lamer than Pumaman, and even lamer than a first grader’s Halloween costume. Catman’s cat-powers include super-strength, the power to change TV channels, the power to control electronics, the power to use his bullet-proof bracelets without getting his wrists broken, and the power to teleport out of chains while causing a grenade to explode a few feet in front of him. Basically, everything your average house cat can do. Catman’s symbol is borrowed from the Eveready batteries 9 Lives’s symbol in style. Catman’s costume was patched together in a few minutes with whatever the director had left over after making 900 ninja costumes for his other films. There wasn’t enough material for a mask, so Catman wears special Catman Glasses (or Cat Glasses) that hide his identity about as effective as Clark Kent’s glasses. Come to think of it, the people in this universe are much smarter in one respect; they know who Catman is without his mask on. Probably because Catman runs around fighting crime without his mask on, like an idiot. Good thing he lives in Thailand, where his family probably is no where near. They’re never brought up, nor is any other character development for Catman. We learn more about his lame partner Gus than we do about Catman, real name Sam. No relation to the comic character who was probably lame as well (but not as lame) based on his comic covers alone. We might as well jump right in, so bear with us when things seem confusing, as Catman is a victim of the “Copfuse-a-cat” company, rendering both films nonsensical…

Bruce Lee in New Guinea
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bruce Lee in New Guinea (Review)

September 7, 2006By

Bruce Lee in New Guinea

aka She nu yu chao aka Bruce Li in New Guinea

1978
Starring
Bruce Li (Ho Chung Tao) as Chang Wang-li (aka Bruce Lee)
Chan Sing as Great Snake Wizard Guru
Danna as Ann Kawa
Chin-kun Li as Chin Sang
??? as Tu Yung – one of the guides (shorter)
??? as The crosseyed guide
??? as Cheng Pow
Directed by C.Y. Yang

Bruce Li is Bruce Lee is Chang Wang-li in Bruce Lee in New Guinea, part of Bruce-ploitation Mania of the 1970’s and 1980’s. Bruce Li (real name Ho Chung Tao) was one of the dozens of Bruce Lee imitators renamed Bruce Something or Something Lee in the wake of the death of the King of Kung Fu. Bruce Lee ended up doing all sorts of wacky things once every other movie coming out of Hong Kong was patterned after him to make a quick buck. This is not as wacky as some of them (The Clones of Bruce Lee anyone?) but is still pretty silly. The real question is, would the real Bruce Lee bother going to New Guinea? I think not! Bruce Lee (Li) does end up on Snake Worship Island, I don’t want to give away what they worship there, but it isn’t King Kong. Let’s just say Wacking Day would be a sacrilegious event. It’s important to note that Bruce Li is not supposed to be Bruce Lee, but some guy named Chang Wang-li, an anthropologist who is not a former 1970’s martial arts star, thus the “Bruce Lee” in the title is a complete lie. Not that the producers would care after they got your hard earned money. Sometimes this film is more truthfully titled Bruce Li in New Guinea. Co-starring is the lovely Danna as the Princess, who was being pushed as an international sex symbol at this time, but soon faded to obscurity. Much like this film, except it was never pushed as anything more than a cheap buck, and it shows that, in spades.

Snakes on a Plane
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Snakes on a Plane (Review)

August 27, 2006By

Snakes on a Plane


2006
Starring
Samuel L. Jackson as Nelville Flynn
Julianna Margulies as Claire Miller
Nathan Phillips as Sean Jones (Red Bull Boy)
Rachel Blanchard as Mercedes
Flex Alexander as Three G’s
Kenan Thompson as Troy
Directed by David R. Ellis

“I’m tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

And with that, Snakes on a Plane became one of the greatest movies of all time. Cementing itself into cult status before it even finished filming. The above line was added in during reshoots, inspired by the fan buzz generated on the internet solely from the title of the movie. The producers wisely switched from a PG-13 to an R rating, giving the fans the line they wished for and some nudity and more gore to boot. Riding the Internet buzz even further, the producers went so far as to have a song writing contest where the winner would have his song played during the closing credits. This was an unprecedented example of audience participation in the making of a film. Samuel L. Jackson was one of the first to recognize the brilliance of the title, signing up for the movie after hearing it, and threatening to leave the project if they renamed it the proposed Pacific Air 122. The main question as the release date approached was would the movie live up to the Internet hype? The opening weekend where it barely edged into first place (thanks to some Thursday night pre-screenings) was called disappointing, but it should be noted that it is probably far more than the movie would have achieved under other circumstances. The hype inflated it’s box office numbers from dismal to “meh”.

The main good feature of the hype was the reshoots to R, which helped increase the cheesy factor and made the movie more fun. The gore comedy was hyped up, as PG-13 would have just looked horrible. Running a recap while the movie is still in the theater can be dangerous, as I might just overlook some important detail due to faulty memory and lack of notes. But we are going to soldier on regardless, and hopefully every major point and minor cheese is dually reported. That’s what Sam Jackson would do, and that’s what we’re gonna do! (Yeah, like Sam Jackson would be writing movie reviews on the Internet…) No promises will be made as the the amount of snake jokes, as this is a snake movie and puns are easy to write and will slither all over this recap like….snakes….on a plane!

InBattle Beasts

Battle Beast Files – Series 3, Part 2

August 20, 2006By


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!
Series 3, Part II!

Number: 65
Name: Tanglin’ Pangolin
Japanese Name: Pangol
Ruler of Country: Emperor of West Yutoranta
Position: Armored Soldier
Weapon Name: Living Stone (Purple Mace)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Pangolin (Brown w/ Peach Armor)
What the heck is a pangolin, you ask? Well, they are a long-tailed, scale-covered mammal having a long snout and a sticky tongue for catching and eating ants and termites. They also have armor, and can curl up into balls. Exciting stuff. Too bad I thought he was a Gila Monster as a kid. That’s still better than Pangolin. Gila Monster also sounds like someone who would be evil, like Pangolin is supposed to be. Well, Pangolin is evil, because he was imprisoned by Swiny Boar for theft wrongfully, and the experience in prison fueled his rage, so he came out a criminal and has sworn revenge. He’s already killed Swiny’s brother, Torra Boar, and as we speak is preparing his master plan of revenge. Swiny Boar better look out!
Number: 66
Name: Slowpoke Sloth
Japanese Name: Slo
Ruler of Country: King of Hamanan
Position: Tactics Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Slo-Bar (Purple Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Sloth (White w/ Olive Armor)
Slo is so slooooooooooooooowwww. Riding into battle months, even years after the fact, Slowpoke Sloth is here to save the day, even if it’s thousands of days later. His weapon is the Slo-Bar, which causes his enemies to become even slower than him. It looks like a fight in the Matrix, all slo-mo, until you realize they are going full speed. Slo is still fighting the initial battle for Beast Freedom, even though the Battle Beasts are well into the Second Great War. He is a respected tactics officer, because he has lots of time to come up with strategies while trying to get to the battlefield. King of Hamanan (doo-doo da-doo-doo)
Number: 67
Name: Ardent Aardvark
Japanese Name: Earthhog
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Hamanan
Position: Grasslands Combatant
Weapon Name: Earth Scenery (Purple Trident)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Aardvark (White w/ Orange Armor)
First in the dictionary, and first in our hearts! Wait, maybe not. Weird colors, Satan-shaped weapon, just odd. Not exciting, not memorable, but somehow not terrible. Just average. Aardvark spends his days organizing his huge collection of ceramic animals. He has them displayed all over his palace. Aardvark does not fight for Planet Beast, he fights to defend his right to get more ceramic animals. This passion fuels him like no other. There will be no stopping his quest to obtain every ceramic animal that ever existed. And if he can beat up some Decepticon-allied Beasts while he’s at it, so much the better.
Number: 68
Name: Bodacious Bovine
Japanese Name: White Cow
Ruler of Country: King of Erku
Position: Resource Development Unit
Weapon Name: Bread and Butter (Purple Scimitar)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Cow (White w/ Purple Armor)
Resource Development Unit=Farmer. Cow sits at home on the farm and makes the food, while the rest of the Beasts fight. Without his efforts, the entire economy would collapse. Cow’s closest allies are Pig, Horse, Ram, and Laser Cock. Laser Cock! Hahahahahahaha! Okay, okay. Cow’s weapon is the Bread and Butter, which is pretty decent. Cow is far less lame than he could be, considering he’s just a freaking cow. Kudos for him, he gets knocked up a notch because he refuses to suck! Cow enjoys writing in notebooks about a fantasy world he created in his head, but refuses to publish it or share it with anyone. His obsession with writing has kept him from doing anything outside of work or fighting besides writing.
Number: 69
Name: Zealot Zebra
Japanese Name: Zebra-Ball
Ruler of Country: King of Jonston
Position: Grasslands Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Super Zebra (Purple Spear/Sword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Zebra (White w/ Purple and Gray Armor)
Zebra has got to be the most battle damaged Beast. He’s got a sword for an arm. His other arm appears to be robotic except for the hand. He’s got some sort of black pipe in his stomach. His left leg looks robotic except for the hoof. He must have gotten into a tangle with Pirate Lion or something. Perhaps some Beasts decided to make him dinner. Zebra isn’t going to take that lightly, so he busted out a kegload of butt-kicking and fought his way free, despite missing most of his limbs. That alone makes Zebra a crazed fighter. You don’t want to mess with this guy. In fact, stay away from him. His robot parts might make him crazy. ED-209 crazy. One software bug and he’ll go bonkers, blasting away anyone and everyone, with his real mind trapped in the body of a murderous machine.
Number: 70
Name: Harrier Hawk
Japanese Name: Eagle Killer
Ruler of Country: King of Nirmudo
Position: Sky Maneuvers Soldier
Weapon Name: Skeleton Killer (Purple Sword)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Hawk (Gray w/ Aqua Armor)
Hawk is one of the Beasts I remember most, not because he’s extra cool, but because my Hawk is extra chewed. An unfortunate encounter with a puppy resulted in Harrier Hawk missing three limbs and a wing. His lone arm was still able to carry his weapon (until the weapon literally fell apart recently) and he still has his rub. He’s since been replaced, but I still have the older one, who will probably be used in some sort of customization soon. Hawk’s weapon is the Skeleton Killer. Now, you may not be aware, but Planet Beast has an area where Skeletons of the Dead roam the countryside looking for victims to join them. The Kingdom of Nirmudo is especially infected by them, and Hawk is their main line of defense. The fact that he joined the Decepticon faction is a result of his years of killing skeletons by the boatfull. He’s become bloodlusted (or bonelusted) and must attack, attack, attack. Hawk is expected to switch sides to the Autobots were they looked to be wiped out, as then he’s have a more enemies to kill, the Decepticons.
Number: 71
Name: Diving Duckbill
Japanese Name: Duck Diver
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Lapol
Position: Underwater Probe Unit
Weapon Name: Aqua Barrier (Purple Serrated Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Platypus (Gray w/ Brown Armor)
Underwater Probe Unit? How scandalous! Seriously, Platypus was one of my favorites, as playtpuses are one of my favorites. He just looks neat. Platypus grew up on the streets. His mother died when he was a young bill, and he never knew his father. He’d been fighting ever since he could clench his fists, punching his way out of his egg. He was a notorious trouble-maker on the streets, well known among law enforcement, until a fateful day when Planet Beast was invaded. Platypus took up arms to protect himself from occupiers, but soon grew to like the new-found respect he got from being a freedom fighter, and he became more involved in the underground movement against the Decepticons. Platypus soon was leading troops into battle, and scoring many effective raids against the enemy. He was hard to hunt down, and at one point was the third most wanted rebel leader after Pirate Lion and Tiger. Platypus’s Ghost Brigade constantly strained the Decepticon pipelines, and tied up resources in fruitless searches for him and his men. Platypus was present at the final battle between the Autobot Beasts and their Decepticon Enemies, and helped Pirate Lion meet his mortal enemy Gruesome Gator. Platypus fought Armored Armadillo in an epic fight at the same time Gator and Lion had their last duel. Emerging victorious, he now leads the very country he grew up in as an orphan, and is a big supporter of social programs to prevent kids from having lives as hard as his was.
Number: 72
Name: Crooked Crow
Japanese Name: Crowmax
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Nupal
Position: Air Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Big Hook (Purple Man-Catcher)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Crow (Black w/ Blue-Green Armor)
Crow is a plague on Planet Beast. He sows the seeds of war wherever he treads. He plays both sides, and makes his fortune in weapon sales and military industries. Peace means no profits, and no food. For Crow also feasts on the dead. A recently fought battlefield is a buffet to Crow. His Hook weapon is a scythe of doom, accurately representing his effect upon the planet. Crow cannot be stopped by normal means. He somehow escaped the fate of many of his evil brethren during the Final Battle, and is still causing trouble to this day. Crow has several mortal enemies, but none can reach his remote mountain fortress, Castle Crow. Crow leads a group known as the Dirty Birds. His Number Two is Bionical Buzzard, and membership includes Vultures, Blue Jays, Condors, Rocs, and even an evil Robin. Crow’s team is the current number two threat to Planet Beast, behind the Laser Beasts and just before the Reforming Decepticon Beast Army.
Number: 73
Name: Frenzied Flamingo
Japanese Name: Mingo Kid
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Heles
Position: Air Combat Unit
Weapon Name: Performancer (Purple Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Flamingo (Pink w/ Blue Armor)
No one can stop the Mingo Kid! He’s the greatest sharpshooter in Heles, and is aiming to be the best on Planet Beast. He slices, he dices, he makes julian fries. The Mingo Kid is a one man army. Mingo Kid fancies himself an outlaw, despite hardly breaking any laws in his young life. He hasn’t even jaywalked. Mingo Kid grew up in the final days of the Decepticon Occupation, so he has only a few memories of fighting them, the rest of his short life has been spent living in freedom and rebuilding his planet. He became Emperor of Heles after a tornament to fill the empty Emperor’s seat, and claimed the throne after a quick battle where he defeated thirteen other Beasts while standing on one leg. The Mingo Kid is currently looking for a sidekick for some troublemaking, applicants are encouraged to visit the Emperor’s Palace in Heles in person to apply.
Number: 74
Name: Fleet-Footed Antelope
Japanese Name: Little Serow
Ruler of Country: King of Parmira
Position: Land Combatant
Weapon Name: Serow Carbine (Purple Spear/Rifle)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Antelope (Tan w/ Red Armor)
Antelope my ruby red eye, this guy is a goat, pure and simple. Whatever the case, Little Serow likes to name himself after influential people in order to make himself feel important. That’s hardly necessary, as LS has the only gun available to the original Battle Beasts. This makes him a fierce opponent, even if he seems to only be using the weapon as a spear by only using the bayonet. Maybe LS is searching for the fabled Lost Treasure of the Bullet. Instead of visiting Panda for some gunpowder, he’s too busy strutting his stuff. The Laser Beasts and their laser guns will show Little Serow the true meaning of firepower.
Number: 75
Name: Pugnacious Penguin
Japanese Name: Peguinis
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Jonston
Position: Ice Field Combatant
Weapon Name: Freeze Dryer (Purple Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Penguin (Black and White w/ Blue Armor)
Penguin may be short, but he is mighty. Penguin’s Freeze Dryer Spear leaves his enemies cold. Decepticons better carry some de-icer with them. Penguin’s nickname is Jack Frost, as his frosty attacks are some of the most fearful events to happen in the arctic region. His short statue allows him unparalleled ability to sneak into enemy bases. Penguin’s long march against the enemy paid off when they were driven from the planet. His new march against the Laser Beasts has just begun, but one can be sure that Penguin will not stop marching until he reaches his goal, the freedom of Planet Beast. Penguin is so obsessed with his goals that he has no outside hobbies or interests, and spends every second commited to his battle work.
Number: 76
Name: Ossified Orangutan
Japanese Name: Udan
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Iriano
Position: Tactics Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Jungle Spear (Purple Broad-Tipped Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Orangutan (Brown w/ Green Armor)
Having one of the worst limb losses and subsequent entire artificial arm replacement, Orang is famous for being the “one-armed Ape.” Orang is a former head of a cola company, and still obsessively drinks Grape Soda by the 2-liter bottle-full. He is known to charge into battle with his spear in one hand, and a keg of Grape Ape Soda in the other. Orang is known as a gentle giant, but when he is roused for battle, he is one of the fiercest fighters out there. Orang and Bongo have teamed up to search for the missing war hero Bonobo, who disappeared on a dangerous mission years ago. It is believed he was captured by the enemy, transported to a strange land, and then escaped and is living in the wild trying to return home.
Series 3, Part ILaser Beasts, Part I

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

Summer Lover
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Summer Lover (Review)

August 9, 2006By

Summer Lover

aka Xia ri qing ren

1992
Starring
Alfred Cheung Kin-Ting as Ting
Veronica Yip Yuk-Hing as Siu-Yuk
Vivian Chow Wai-Man as Liza
Loletta Lee Lai-chun as Janet
Max Mok Siu-Chung as Chung
Russell Wong as Zeniger
Directed by Clifton Ko Chi-Sum

A lovable loser meets the girl of his dreams, only she’s a spirit sent by magical VCD to obey his commands. This timeless tale hit the modern update, though it’s been played out in many media over the years. From genies in bottles to magic internet women, the story has been told many times before, and will be told many times after. This particular telling, though, is the one we are interested in. Summer Lover is not just an NC-17 late-night sex movie. In fact, there is little sex, though it’s in there. Most of the film is lighthearted comedy, in the vein of the early 1980’s teenager movies with the adult joke, aka the legion of bad Porky’s clones that dotted the 1980’s like beer cans on the side of the highway Sunday morning. Summer Lover‘s biggest difference is the particular method of the ladies. The women come out via magical VCD, a technology that’s getting phased out for DVDs. VCDs are huge in China and Asia, while VHS reigned supreme here in America. The women call themselves Laser Ladies, where in the US they’d be VHS Vixens, and now would be DVD Dolls. See, timeless!

This film is based on the Japanese Manga Video Girl Ai, which I have never read and have no intention of reading ever. I guess magazines where women come to life from VCDs is popular or something, but if Marvel ever put out something like that, it would probably almost sell as well as the New Universe titles. Anyone remember that? I was like 7, but I knew a bad decision when I saw one.

Our hopeless hero is Lifeguard Ting (Alfred Cheung), who is the total stereotype dateless guy. He’s got the bad hair, the big glasses, the bad job, and is a total klutz. Ting yearns for his love Liza (Vivian Chow), who he’s friends with but cannot get. Whenever Ting sees Liza, he bleeds, calling it the “Blood of Heroes.” Today is Ting’s birthday, but Liza cannot attend his party tonight. Ting’s friend is named Zeniger (Russell Wong), who is also Liza’s on again/off again man. Zeniger is a pretty boy, overshadowing his odd name. Ting has another friend named Chung, who is the movie’s horndog character. Ting’s party for the evening turns out to be just a tape for lonely guys that pretends to have a party going on. Ting’s friend Chung calls him up and wants to go looking for some “instant noodles” (aka prostitutes), but they end up going to a VCD store (aka a Laser Shop.) A magic VCD store (aka a Magic Laser Shop.) Run by a white guy. A magic white guy. You know he’s magical because he’s effeminate and is wearing a white long-haired wig. Luckily, he’s Cantonese fluent and can direct the two boys around, as he says the shop is specially made for brokenhearted people. Ting’s first impulse is to buy a Donald Duck VCD (which would have made a very odd sex movie….) but the manager directs the two lonely guys to the adult section. He gives them some special VCDs, each one featuring a different lady. Different magic ladies.

InBattle Beasts

Battle Beast Files – Series 3, Part 1

July 30, 2006By


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!
Series 3, Part I!

Number: 53
Name: Panzer Panda
Japanese Name: Strong Panda
Ruler of Country: King of East Yutoranta
Position: Rescue/Relief Combatant
Weapon Name: Strong Aid (Gray Machete)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Panda (Black and White w/ Red Armor)
Panda is the doctor of the Beasts. Please call him Dr. Strong Panda, or Dr. P for short. Panda plays the role of Ratchet in Transformers, being the medic. Notice how the villains never have anyone who repairs people, but the Good Guys always have someone. Dr. P is a popular Beast, because he’s Panda-riffic! As the kIng of East Yutoranta, he defends East Yutoranta from all those other Yutorantas, like North Yutoranta, South-West Yutoranta, and Smorth Yutoranta (home of the Smurfs.) Dr. P’s medical style is like Dr. House from House, except he’s not crippled, instead a Shaolin Kung Fu Master, as well as knowledgeable in Chinese Medicine. This comes in handy since most Traditional Chinese Medicine is made out of animal parts, and that’s what the Beasts are, animals. Dr. P is best friends with Grizzly Bear, they’ve formed the Battle Beasts Bear Social Club, despite him not being a real bear.
Number: 54
Name: Leapin’ Lizard
Japanese Name: Shield Dragon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Jigurard
Position: Communications Soldier
Weapon Name: Teleprojector (Gray Weapon)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Frilled Lizard (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Leapin’ Lizard is a crazy Mo-Fo! He jumps around yelling “BOO!” sticking out his tongue, harassing waitresses, and parking in handicapped zones. Leapin’ Lizard usually annoys his allies to the point where they constantly kick him out of their bases, but that’s the kind of thing Leapin’ Lizard loves! As a communications soldier, Lizard makes prank calls constantly, asking if fridges are running, if Prince White Leo is in a can, and what direction your toilet water is spinning. Leapin’ Lizard collects left shoes, pictures of Bea Arthur, and used corn cobs. Only Leapin’ Lizard can use the communications device, which is the only reason they keep him around. Sprint is planning to build a network next year, so Lizard may soon be out of a job.
Number: 55
Name: Killer Koala
Japanese Name: Koala Gray
Ruler of Country: King of Lapol
Position: Grasslands Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Iron Axe (Gray Battleaxe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Koala Bear (Gray w/ Olive Armor)
Koala Gray is a good name, despite it sounding like he has a picture in the attic that ages while he stays the same age. Koala has an ear replaced with a radar dish, so he can eavesdrop on strangers on the bus. He hears some of the strangest conversations that way. Sometimes, he even hears secrets, which he uses to his advantage. Koala suddenly bought 5000 shares of Weasel-Co. right before it announced it’s new line of replacement hands. Koala wrote an article about how Horny Toad has an illegitimate daughter. Koala has been given a wide berth recently, as everyone thinks he’ll reveal secrets about them. Here is a secret about Koala: he likes to eat flower petals. Koala wishes he had his normal life back. The only solace he can find is in battle, attacking his enemies. Luckily, on Planet Beast, he can find a lot of solace.
Number: 56
Name: Tarsier Tyrant
Japanese Name: Demon Key (or Demonkey)
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Parumira
Position: Forest Demolition Soldier
Weapon Name: Demon Waver (Gray Machete)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Tarsier (Brown w/ Green Armor)
Tarsier is a freaky-looking pseudo-monkey. His almost-monkey self scares many Beasts, especially the Primates. His dismissal has caused him to become an outcast, making him easy prey to fall for the Decepticon Beasts lies. He is not a loyal foot soldier, happily destroying the very rain forest he lives in because his team wills it. He doesn’t see the big picture, only wanting to belong. Mockingly called a Demon Monkey, it was shortened to Demonkey as his personal nickname, which some have modified to Demon Key. His Demon Waver weapon chops down both trees and Beasts in battle. A fearsome foe, too bad he chose the losing side. Perhaps the Beasts will become more accepting in the future to prevent tragedies like this from happening again.
Number: 57
Name: Black Panther
Japanese Name: Black Jaguar
Ruler of Country: King of Nupal
Position: Head Bodyguard
Weapon Name: Hyper Beam (Gray Spear with Handguard)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Black Jaguar (Black w/ Aqua Armor)
Word. Power to his people. Black Panther is a revolutionary, fighting the Beast, the Oppressor, the Decepticons. Black Panther will gain his freedom, by any means necessary. His people will be free, the Nupalian Kings and Queens are a proud people, and will not bow. They shall break their chairs, they shall overcome. Black Panther is a controversial figure, but does more help to the community than harm. His methods are controversial, and there are divisions among his followers, but the message is the same: All Beasts deserve freedom and equality. Those who oppose this view will be crushed. No quarter will be given, no line will be drawn, it’s all or nothing.
Number: 58
Name: Torrential Tapir
Japanese Name: Dream Eater
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Erku
Position: Special Combat Unit
Weapon Name: Quick Dreamer (Gray Forked Scimitar)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Tapir (White w/ Green Armor)
Dream Eater. That is just such a cool name. Dream Eater puts so many other names to shame. From his description, it’s obvious that Dream Eater was a special troops who put enemies to sleep and then beat the crap out of them. That’s a noble goal to do in battle. My only complaint is that would be a cool villain move, why is he fighting with the Good Guys? There should always be way more villains than heroes, but only He-Man has pulled this off correctly. At least he’s a cool-sounding Beast. Too bad Tapirs aren’t exactly the best Beasts to be a Beast. This keeps him on the B-List. But don’t tell this to his face, he’ll put you to sleep and you’ll wake up tied up, hanging naked from a tree in the middle of the forest, with bruises all over your body.
Number: 59
Name: King Cobra
Japanese Name: Cobrander
Ruler of Country: King of Jigrad
Position: Emperor of Jiguraado
Weapon Name: Mahilacore (Gray Sword/Axe)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Cobra (Brown w/ Purple Armor)
COOOOOOBRA! Those darn GI Joe Beasts keep keeping Cobra down. Wait, this is a different Cobra. This guy is both King and Emperor of Jiguraado. That’s like when certain dictators call themselves President for Life. He wields the Mahilacore. what is a Mahila? Well, Mahila is the most respected word for a Telugu woman. So Cobrander is big on women’s rights. That’s good, but he’s still a Bad Guy. He has the incredibly valuable Stoned Cobra form, which gets it’s own segment. Cobrander rules with an iron fist, but he doesn’t put up with inequality. Every Beast is equal, except he is more equal. Disagree, and he’ll throw you into a pit of Triple Threat Snakes.
Number: 60
Name: Maniac Mandrill
Japanese Name: Baboon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Nirmudo
Position: Mountains and Forest Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Babooner (Gray Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Mandrill (Gray w/ Brown Armor)
He’s a maniac, maniac on the floor. And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before… As Emperor of Nirmudo, Mandrill uses his high status to fling poo at his enemies. Well, what else can you say? His Japanese name is the very imaginative Baboon, making him the only Beast whose name I correctly guessed as a child. Maniac Mandrill instead is low quality Beast who fails to impress. And look at all that mascara! Someone needs some proper makeup tips. Shame shame shame, everyone knows your name. Plus, no red butt=no win.
Number: 61
Name: Pixilated Pointer
Japanese Name: Dog Hunter
Ruler of Country: King of Iriano
Position: High-Speed Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Beam Hunter (Gray Mech-Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Pointer Dog (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Another day, another dog. Continuing the One Series, One Dog tradition, Pointer joins the Battle Beasts as the Dog of the Week. We could have nothing but Dog Beasts and still fill a medium sized room. Battle Beasts have gone to the dogs. Well, I have a bone to pick with that. Why not more interesting dogs? We need Wiener Dogs! We need Dalmatians! We need St. Bernards! We need “Yo Qiero Taco Bell!” Until my demands are met, I shall march outside the offices of every toymaker in the country! There will be a day of reckoning, and I will be triumphant! Dog Beasts for All!
Number: 62
Name: Pillager Pig
Japanese Name: Buupink
Ruler of Country: King of Heles
Position: Food Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Gourmenia (Gray Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Pig (Pink w/ Red Armor)
A Pig? Lame. Babe he is not. Well, my Pig had an unfortunate accident where he was chewed up by my puppy when I was a kid. He lost both his arms, one of which I replaced with a gun from some random toy set. Japan seems to think he’s lame, making him a Food Reconnaissance Unit. His name, Buupink, is pretty crappy as well. Nothing is exciting about Pig. Why do you stink so bad? When I can make you more exciting by just adding a yellow gun on instead of an arm, something is dearly wrong.
Number: 63
Name: Rowdy Rooster
Japanese Name: Laser Cock
Ruler of Country: Emperor of East Yutoranta
Position: Air Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Valiant Laser (Gray Double-Bladed Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Rooster (White w/ Light Blue Armor)
“Laser Cock”!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Laser Cock! Hahahahaha!!! Air “Staff” officer! Hahahahaha! Laser Cock!!! Cock! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! HA-hahahahahaha! Laser Cock! Valiant Laser…Cock! Hahahahahaha!
Number: 64
Name: Musky Ox
Japanese Name: Musk-Horn
Ruler of Country: King of West Yutoranta
Position: Mountains Combatant
Weapon Name: Mind Saber (Gray Broadsword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Water Buffalo (Brown w/ Yellow Armor)
Possessing a sweet sword, the Mind Saber, Water Buffalo looks like a winner. For some reason, Water Buffalo was elected President of the Battle Beasts. He walked around wearing a suit and red tie. He ruled with Pirate Lion, but the President is more of a ceremonial post. WB’s best attribute is his cool sword. It’s just cool. All the other Beasts want it. That’s why they made him president, so he’s be too busy being diplomatic to use his sword. Water Buffalo gets the last laugh, as he uses his sword for Line-Item Vetoes.
Series 2, Part IISeries 3, Part II

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

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