How can it be a megapost if it’s only part of a post? I don’t make the rules, but Cine Excel has a METRIC FREAKTON of crap that they are unleashing upon the world. The company that brought us Future War. The company that brought us Pocket Ninjas. Part one of the Megapost will deal with the current and upcoming Cine Excel films. Part 2 will delve into the older films, and their acquired libraries from the previous film ventures by the producers. Cine Excel has a reputation of being one of the worst film production houses in the world (but they look like 20th Century Fox when compared to outfits like Central Film Company) and semiregularly manages to get one of it’s wastes of celluloids sent out to video stores across the country, traumatizing millions and leading to the decline of the movie industry and the ascension of TV plus renewed interest in books.
Title: Unknown Beyond
Synopsis: Based on the H.P. Lovecraft story of horror and suspence. Except there isn’t an HP Lovecraft story named Unknown Beyond. Check it out. This is actually Unknown Beyond, which is a sequel to The Darkness Beyond, an actually Lovecraft story. Somehow Cine Excel managed to get their paws on a film someone else made in 2001, and are attempting to release it as a new film. Be on the lookout, but as it fits into the Cine Excel family, this film probably has a special kind of suck.
Cast: Emanuele Cerman, Giorgia Bassano Roberta Marrelli and Michael Segal
Trailer, avaliable on DVD and VHS.
Title: WildCat
Synopsis: A dying breed, dying to breed.
Cast: Leslie Culton, Rebecca Ferratti, Nathan Miller and Danielle Donahue
Trailer
Looks like someone decided to jump on the Catwoman bandwagon! Someone brain dead.
Title: Dead Knight
Synopsis: World War II soldiers stumble upon a curse left by Knights Templar. This was originally called Da Vinci’s Curse, but I guess they couldn’t get it out in time to cash in on the wave of Da Vinci movies. Now it is a lamer movie that doesn’t even have a gimmick title. Instead, some random soldiers fight a demon (a guy with vampire fangs!)
Cast: Brian Berry, Bob Dennis, Dave Fire, Brice Kennedy, Jon McBride and Ken Vansant
Trailer
Look at these freaking stills and try to tell me this film won’t be historically bad!
GWAR Reunion Tour 2006
Great Scott, I got to get Back To The Future!
Title: The Abominable…
Synopsis: A 60′ abominable snowman invades San Francisco. As a former SFer, I can say a 60′ abominable snowman would probably go pretty much unnoticed in the city. This is not to be confused with the halfway decent recent movie called Abominable, this Abominable is a mess from start to finish.
Cast: Heather DeVan, Nick Orefice, Jason DeVan and Hal Alpert
Trailer
Check out the stills! A worse giant monkey movie than A*P*E or The Mighty Gorga? I would never thought it possible!
Hey, what up, dudes?
Title: Axegrinder
Synopsis: Teenagers are stalked by a serial killer in the woods. Based on a true story. Yeah, what true story? Somehow I think they are lying again!
Cast: Cassie Daniels, Chris Todd, Jennifer Peo, Freddy Moraales, Bernadette Perez, JP Edwards and Jed Rowen as Freddy.
Trailer
Nice to see the Killer Klowns from Outer Space are still getting work!
Title: Reptilicant
Synopsis: Treasure hunters find an alien on Alcatraz Island.
Cast: Gary Daniels, Tina-Desiree Berg and Jason Johnson.
Trailer
Check out this spoilerish plot part: The armor-plated alien skin is only vulnerable to earth’s hardest substance, diamonds. With this in mind Moore wraps strips of his t-shirt around his fists and then coats them with the fortune in diamonds. If Moore can exploit this weakness he may be the last man standing, but until then he must run and hide from the terrible REPTILICANT! Yes, we must defeat the alien with DIAMOND FISTS! Gary Daniels is one of the workhorses for Cine Excel, as he can aspire no higher than this or DTV Steven Segal films.
Gary “Girl’s Best Friend Hands” Daniels
Leech from Masters of the Universe mated with the Mummy
Gary Daniels appears to be using a feather duster as a weapon here…
The Matrix ruins another action film
Title: GiANTs
Synopsis: After a nuclear accident, giant ants invade the earth. The people who made Future War are going to make a film about giant ants that invade the world. Wrap your head around that.
Cast: Mel Novak, Tina-Desiree Berg and Steve Spry
Trailer
GiANTs will be the greatest movie of all time!
The remake of Honey I Shrunk the Kids took a tragic turn
Just a normal day in LA
Title: 666: The Demon Child
Synopsis: In a small desert town, six archeologists are about to raise a little hell.
Cast: Jennifer Jackson, Jose Rosete, Jennie Epstein and D. Dakota Denetsosie.
Trailer
“Everything about this movie is absolutely awful.” — YourVideoStoreShelf. “pretty much nothing more than a bunch of seemingly bored people spewing forth really banal dialogue while being stalked by seemingly endless monster P.O.V. shots” — Foywonder. One of the few films that have been released, that fact is far more terrifying than anything in the actual film.
There’s an abortion joke here, somewhere….
Title: Internetrix
Synopsis: Reality is dead.
Cast: Jason DeVan, Leila Nelson, Rich Baderinwa, Mark Dewhitt Terrina Reese and Paul Darrigo as Barrier
Trailer
Boy, I hope we get our Matrix ripoff out in time to cash in on the two sequels….
Title: Vampire Assassin
Synopsis: To kill a vampire, he must become one.
Cast: Ron Hall, Gerald Okamura, Chadwick Pelletier and Mel Novak as Vampire Slovak
Trailer
Tagline: His Blade is Sharper. What movie could this be ripping off? Rudy Ray Moore, Dolemite himself, has a brief cameo in this film. Gerald Okamura was actually in Blade, and now goes back to being in terrible crap, like he usually is. Actually in video stores now, if you want to have a painful evening.
Title: Magma: Earth’s Molten Core
Synopsis: A NAVY submarine captain struggles to save a city from an erupting volcano.
Cast: Jason Johnson, Tina-Desiree Berg and Mel Novak
Trailer
How does he struggle to save the city? He hijacks a nuclear submarine with the intention of attacking Mount Diablo. Nuclear bombs, is there anything they can’t do in disaster movies? Not out yet, but I am so there when it is.
The excitement never stops in MAGMA: EARTH’S MOLTEN CORE!!!
Title: ManDog
Synopsis: Island teenagers summon the Egyption god of the dead.
Cast: Christopher Kann, Victoria Campbell, Noel Francomano and Don Sandeen.
Trailer
Originally titled ANUBIS: GUARDIAN OF THE DEAD, now seemingly named after CatDog or something. Hey, another Mummy sequel is coming, maybe Cine Excel will finish this one off! Except that one will have Jet Li, and this movie will just make audiences flee! Boy did that joke suck.
Title: SWAT: Warhead One
Synopsis: A special police unit must stop a gangland counterfitter with nuclear capabilities.
Cast: Olivier Gruner, Rebecca Ferratti, Gerald Okamura and Mel Novak as Reporter Dick Danvers.
Trailer
Gerald Okamura and Mel Novak just can’t stop being in crap!
Title: Power Elite
Synopsis: A SEAL team rescues the American President from kidnappers.
Cast: Olivier Gruner, Rebecca Ferratti and Mel Novak as The President.
Trailer
Mel Novak is in far too many Cine Excel films, especially since he gets special credit mentions. What the flying monkeyspank is going on? Filmed at the same time as SWAT: Warhead One, which is why they share most of the same actors, and most of the same suck.
