Godzilla 2000

Godzilla 2000 (Review)

Godzilla 2000

aka Gojira ni-sen mireniamu

1999

Starring
Takehiro Murata as Professor Yuji Shinoda
Hiroshi Abe as Mitsuo Katagiri
Naomi Nishida as Yuki Ichinose
Mayu Suzuki as Io Shinoda
Shirô Sano as Professor Shiro Miyasaka
Directed by Takao Okawara

The first of the Godzilla Millennium Series of films, where all previous continuity was thrown out again, and writers were allowed to make things however they bloody well wanted. This was also the first Godzilla film produced after the horrifying 1998 US Godzilla, with Matthew Broderick and the most useless giant monster ever. So, it was with great joy that in 1999 Toho made their own Godzilla film, to make up for the terrible, terrible mistake they made in letting that moron Emmerich get his grubby mitts on their franchise. Now, when Godzilla 2000 premiered in theaters, I dragged my best friend and off we went, opening night. A grand total of eight people were in the audience, including 7 with Y-chromosomes (one guy managed to bring his girlfriend as well as his best friend.) The low theater count was an omen of things to come, as the following 90 minutes of mediocrity were less than a satisfying evening. Still, it was more enjoyable than Emmerich’s effort, but then so is soaking your genitalia in boiling cooking oil!

Godzilla 2000 featured a revamped Godzilla costume, and the first fully CGI Gojira Godzilla during some swimming scenes. Thankfully, all the rest of the shots are full man in suit. G2K also features some neat composite shots, with zooms and background renders, that really puts Godzilla in a real-world environment. He looks more like he’s really in the background or in the cities in this film than any before it. Sadly, the people plot is uninteresting, and the villain is even more uninteresting. Orga, the evil monster who doesn’t even get his named mentioned on screen, first shows up as a spaceship before he turns into a goofy jellyfish, then finally some freaked out version of Godzilla. Many of the opponents of Big G have evolving forms, especially in the Heisei and Millennium Series of films. But many of them also suck, thus why Toho played it safe for the last Millennium films and went with tried and true monsters.

The casts are some of the most important parts of the films, and even if they are dubbed you can still gauge the strength or weakness of their acting. The cast here is filled with several actors who are better than the roles they have been stuck with. Toho decided to have some fun with the dubbing, the American version makes several scenes more embarrassing, even altering the perception of some of the characters and the actors playing them. The worst line in G-History will be uttered later in the film, so stay tuned!

The Cine Excel Megapost – Part 2

In the first Cine Excel Megapost, I looked at the in production, yet to be distributed, and recently released segments of Cine Excel’s film library. Part 2 will deal with the older Cine Excel film library, and the eventual part 3 will deal with the remnants of their oldest films (the ones we don’t get to here) After that, I have one or two more truely horrible production companies to highlight, and a few leads on others to go after. Until that day, we are stuck with Cine Excel!
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American StreetFighter – I managed to get the DVD of this for $1, complete with cardboard case. Showing up on late night Cinemax or HBO from time to time. Hey, the star is Gary Daniels, who lives and breathes Cine Excel. Because he’s terrible, but maybe he is movie up in the world. He was in a DTV Steven Seagal film recently! Gerald Okamura also stars, much to our dismay.
Trailer

Jake battles Ogawa’s meanest street fighters with storming fists, thundering kicks and lightning swords of death!

The American Streetfighter… his street you don’t double-cross.

Wow, storming fists, thundering kicks, and lightning swords of death! Someone likes Rayden from Mortal Kombat!
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Take a look at this picture, it encapsulates American StreetFighter. We got Gary Daniels, Gerald Okamura, and some guy with a cheesy eyepatch, gun, and cigar. My God!

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Full Impact aka American StreetFighter 2: The Full Impact- I also managed to get the DVD of this for $1 with cardboard case. Both American StreetFighers for $2? Only in America! Gary Daniels???? I would have never expected him in a Cine Excel film… Especially a sequel to a crappy original. Gerald Okamura is also back, as Bald Fighter. However, the only convincing performance was by Carribou the Cat.

J.T. (Gary Daniels), former cop, is now a professional bounty hunter. Driven by his obsession with death, he enjoys not only the prize but the danger of the hunt.

Now he is called to search for a sadistic serial killer who slays with his bare hands. But when the killer learns he is being hunted, he must kill the only man that can stop him.

Now the hunter becomes the prey. When the two forces collide, there will be a full impact.

I guess J.T. is Jake, but now he like Dog the Bounty Hunter, except he sucks and there is probably no fighting in the streets.
Trailer
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I guess this guy got StreetFighted, American style! Wait, Captain Picard??? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Future War – There is no more famous Cine Excel film than Future Wax – I mean War! Famous thanks to MST3K, which blew the lid off of bad filmmaking from the company. Accept no substitutes, as Cine Excel really outdid themselves with this story of a man who escapes from aliens to Earth, where he is chased by cyborgs and their pet dinosaurs. Please note that it is not the future and there is no war. But the dinosaurs do explode.
Trailer
MST3K link
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Expert Weapon aka American Dragon
Mel Novak plus Joe Estavez!

Adam Collins made the biggest mistake a criminal could make… murdering a police officer.

Awaiting execution, Adam is recruited by a secret government organization. Under the watchful eye of the organization’s ruthless leader Janson, the training of martial arts expert Miller, the beautiful and seductive Lynn, and psychotic weapons master Magnet, Adam is transformed into the Expert Weapon.

When Adam decides he can kill no more, he falls for the blind wife of the man he murdered. But there’s no leaving the organization… and the Expert Weapon must kill again.

So this is just La Femme Nikita? Lame. They should of had some fun, like Le Dude Nikito or something like that.

Trailer
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Too cool for school
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Flare Fu!
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Joe Estevez on a normal day

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Capital Punishment
Gary Daniels once again “stars” in a movie. Mel Novak is also in this mess.

The fiery fight sequences blaze onto the screen as the greatest kung fu legends ever blur the line between good and evil. It is the ultimate battle of student versus master… and only one will escape…

Escape? You mean they don’t kill each other? How lame. Oh, I think they mean escape with their lives. I’m a bit confused as to why they dropped the fire imagry that they were using. Maybe spice it up some more: the greatest kung fu legends ever flame the line between spark and smoke. It is the ultimate four alarm fire in a gasoline-soaked warehouse… and only one will go out the fire escape…
Trailer
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I will poke you with my long thumbnail!

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Hyper Space aka The Black Forest
Trailer
Why the forest got to be black? RACIST! It even has Superfly himself, Ron O’Neal. Also has Subzero, aka Professor Toru Tanaka (seen here in Catch the Heat) and Big John Studd.

Six friends awake from “cryo-sleep” to find themselves marooned in space with only one way home – a single passenger shuttlecraft. The close friends are transformed into bitter rivals as the countdown to shuttle launch becomes a fight for life.

When truth turns to lies and trust becomes betrayal, who will be the sole survivor from Hyper Space?

When the Truth is found…to be lies, and all the joy…within you dies. Won’t you want somebody to love? Won’t you need somebody to love? You better find somebody to love!
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Subzero!

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Karate Wars aka Bloodfight 3
There are wars, and there are Karate Wars! Gerald Okamura loves Karate Wars, and thus is starring in this mess of a film. Starring Christopher Wolf, the kind of action hero that makes you go “Who?”

When the “Karate Wars” tournament announces a million dollar prize, the rival “Warriors” issue an all-or-nothing challenge. Oyama’s students train rigorously, and for the first time, Jason and his classmates learn the virtues of discipline.

But a greater battle is still ahead. When the “Karate Wars” is cancelled, another war begins. “Karate Wars” becomes a private tournament without fame or money. The prize: self-respect.

Self Respect, the greatest prize of all….NOT! The Karate Wars is like the Secret Wars, where Spiderman gets a black costume that becomes Venom. Here, Gerald Okamura gets a black costume that becomes an acting job in a decent movie.
Trailer
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Sweep the leg, Johnny!

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Pocket Ninjas aka Triple Dragon – I actually paid $4 for this DVD, which can also be found in the $1 bin now with the cardboard case. Pocket Ninjas was reviewed and bashed by Something Awful, then suddenly a year or two later they got a ranting legal threat from the proiducer over their bashing of the film. He was laughed at and nothing happened. In fact, he was more entertaining than Pocket Ninjas. Starring Robert Z’Dar for about three seconds, but mostly starring annoying kids and Gary Daniels, who as we all know stars in every Cine Excel film ever.
Trailer
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Hey, it’s the Japanese version of those racist WW2 comic book covers!
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Throw Mama from the Pocket Ninja!

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Tao of Karate

Discover the art of Karate in an exciting, easy-to-follow exercise video aimed at children ages 6 and up.

I am waiting for the Tao of Cinema movie, maybe then Cine Excel can put out something decent.

Cine Excel owns several production libraries, probably because several of the founders are members of other, older, crappier production companies that folded. We’ll hit one now, and do the rest in Megapost 3
Bottom Line Studios:
bottom line

Not much about them, except the Donahue family was big involved. Patrick G. Donahue is a constant star, and Sean P. Donahue stars and directs many of them. Most of these movies have little or no information about them anywhere, though some of that is probably due to their generic titles.

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Ground Rules – Frank Stallone! Patrick G. Donahue! Sean P. Donahue!
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Shattered Dreams – Erik Estrada! Frank Stallone! Patrick G. Donahue! Sean P. Donahue!

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Kill Squad – 12 Hands… 12 Feet… 24 Reasons To Die! Sean P. Donahue!

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Parole Violators – Sean P. Donahue! (playing character “Miles Long”) Thrill to the action of….Miles Long, who VIOLATES PAROLE! Never before has a character violated parole on the silver screen. Are you tough enough to witness….the PAROLE VIOLATORS!!!
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Roughcut – Patrick G. Donahue! Sean P. Donahue!

Direct To Video news: Paramount Danger!

Yes, Paramount has decided to make their own division that will focus on just DTV films, joining Warner Brothers in this cash-in, horrible move that is a detriment to quality cinema.

Thanks to the success of the “American Pie” low-budget direct to video sequels amongst others, the studios have been setting up divisions to do the same with long thought dead franchises.

Now Paramount has joined the fray, starting up a new division to develop and produce sequels, prequels and remakes of popular titles from the libraries of Paramount Pictures, Paramount Vantage, DreamWorks, MTV Films and Nickelodeon Movies reports Slash Film.

Amongst the titles that could be on the list: Beverly Hills Cop, Crocodile Dundee, Clueless, Collateral, Coming to America, Days of Thunder, Deep Impact, Event Horizon, Face/Off, Forrest Gump, Ghost, Grease, Indecent Proposal, Tomb Raider, Mean Girls, Mission: Impossible, School for Scoundrels, Star Trek, The Addams Family, The Brady Bunch Movie, The Italian Job, The Longest Yard, The School of Rock, and Top Gun.

Those last movies are being thrown all around the net as if they are actually being discussed. That is not so, this is just some guy listing all the films Paramount owns. Fun news: the Brady Bunch already have a DTV sequel that went straight to TV: The Brady Bunch in the White House. Though we will get bad movie sequels, and we will weep.

Gigantis

Gigantis, the Fire Monster (Review)

Gigantis, the Fire Monster

aka Godzilla Raids Again aka Gojira no gyakushuu

1955

We start out the second March of Godzilla with the second Godzilla movie, Godzilla Raids Again! Or Gigantis, the Fire Monster, as it is known in the US. What a mess the American version of this film is. A complete an utter destruction of cinema. The Japanese version suffering from some of the faults of films of the time, but the American distributors just completely butcher the entire film. Most noticeably, Godzilla is not called Godzilla, but instead Gigantis. Now, he is technically not the original Godzilla, they make reference to the fact Godzilla Number One was disintegrated in Tokyo Bay. This new Godzilla is his brother, Marvin Godzilla, and he is actually the Godzilla that the next several movies in the series follow, as they are loosely connected. But in America, they just called him “Gigantis” because of reasons mentioned later. Joining Godzilla is the first fellow daikaiju, a creature named Anguirus. He’s loosely based on Ankylosaurs, and has a shell armored with many spikes all over his back. Crawling on four legs, Anguirus was stylistically different from Godzilla and made a good contrast for a first foe. Later monsters would get beam weapons, wings, multiple forms, but Anguirus fights with just one thing: guts!

There are some familiar faces in this film as well. Most notably, main character Shoichi Tsukioka is played by Hiroshi Koizumi, who has been previously seen here in Godzilla vs. Mothra and Ghidrah, playing Dr. Miura. I’ve met Hiroshi Koizumi, which I also mention each time he pops up in a Godzilla movie. Another big name is Takashi Shimura, playing Dr. Yemane, who he also played in the original Godzilla. He is probably best known for Seven Samurai or other Kurosawa films. Another Kurosawa veteran is Minoru Chiaki, who was another of the Seven Samurai, and here plays fellow pilot Kobayashi. All Godzilla movies need a girl, and actress Setsuko Wakayama makes her only Godzilla series appearance as Hidemi Yamaji. Directing this time is Motoyoshi Oda, who is also making his only appearance in G-history.

Both the US and Japanese versions will get reviewed simultaneously here. This is made possible because the US version is not chopped out of order, but follows the same pathway. They both deviate from the set path, as the US distributors added and removed footage, sometimes seemingly at random. The most obvious aspect aside from the Gigantis name is that the US version has narration. Lots of narration. The entire film is narrated. Every second someone is not speaking, the narrator has to talk. The Japanese version has no narrator, so is full of long moments of no dialogue, and little to no sound as the score only drops in randomly. We will note that the US version was produced by Paul Schreibman, who has expressed regrets for ruining the movie so badly. He claims responsibility for renaming Godzilla, as it was his desire to make Americans think they were getting a new monster. Other problems we will experience along the way, including the education film that makes me think Paul Schreibman must be insane.

I am stupid – Volume 1

He-Man Pony

He-Man Pony, source unknown


So I was wondering why no one had ever emailed me in regarding to the movies I reviewed. So I checked to see if the contact section was working right. It turns out, it didn’t even have an email entered! Two years of not having the correct email listed! All this time I thought I had my email address put in, because I would get emails from the Mambo software. But, no, nothing doing. So I put in my email, shot off a test email that worked, and thought I had finally solved it. Less than 10 seconds after the successful test email, I got an email from someone using the contact section of my site!

I was so excited…until I saw it was trying to get me to buy viagra!

Yes, NON-STOP SPAM!!! I got 10 spams from the contact section in 12 hours. So it got shut off, and now I have them funneling into my second-tier email account. So, sorry to anyone who tried to complement me or insult me the past two years, I never got your effort. Poor [email protected]! He got so much crap from me. But now all is well, and email will go to the backup account, so I can filter it out and yank anything of value. So maybe I’ll get some feedback after all…