We got a new review up, Attack of the Beast Creatures
The story of some people who walk a lot, then get attacked by Beast Creatures (dolls)
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Attack of the Beast Creatures (Review)
Attack of the Beast Creatures
1985
Directed by Michael Stanley
Written by Robert A. Hutton
Here we have an oddity from the depths of the VHS era, a film that still hasn’t been released on DVD and might one day sink into the sands of time. A movie that has some of the oddest monsters in cinema. A group of people trapped on an uncharted island are attacked by little red creature dolls moved or tossed at them by off-camera hands (if they even move at all in the scenes!) But before the people get attacked, they have to walk. And walk. And walk. They walk so much as so little happens, the title should have been Stroll on an Island, and Maybe Some Beast Creatures Attack Later. I was expecting an awesome time of people getting attacked by dolls, but instead it was a constant bore even as the bodies started to pile up. The action is not constant but just little spurts of interest. Still, the scenes of the creatures running, attacking, and getting tossed around by the actors is why we are here, and it looks goofy enough that the sequences can be ever so fun! We’ll be including some samples for your viewing pleasure later in the review, as it is impossible to accurately describe the creatures’ movement, you just have to see it.
The Beast Creatures themselves are just a bunch of dolls, as stated earlier. Dozens and dozens of the little buggers infest the island. They are the entire reason to watch the film. You cannot pretend that the characters are interesting, or that people getting killed by acid is exciting or worthy of a movie on itself. The characters are just boring as all get out. Almost no character development and what little is done is awkward and conveyed unconvincingly by performances that wouldn’t cut it in third grade plays. Only John Vichiola as Mr. Morgan has any personality that isn’t outshown by the trees in the background. More extreme personalities would have made the film more interesting, there is a reason reality shows recruit crazy people. The long sequences of boring characters eating berries? Classic cinema. Classic like the Zapruder film! But in this case, an assassin’s bullets (or the second shooter’s!) would save us from a mess, not create one. Someone some day will take this film, edit out half of the first hour, and then release the perfect 50 minute film for the world to enjoy. Until that fateful day, we are stuck here, and must deal with the film as it is. That means we have to deal with the people in addition to the Beast Creatures. So let’s get to dealing with them, and not waste time with padding like the film tries to.
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B-Movie sites updates
It has been a while since I did this, so let’s see where things are:
Badmovies.org has reviewed The Atomic Brain, Daimajin, and Gymkata.
Foywonder got a hold of the Cine Excel movie Gi-Ants, which is as bad as it seems it would be. He also got a copy of The Abominable, but is saving the review for a future Foyeurism.
Bad Cinema Diary has it’s June update
Post Apocalypse has reviews for short film Zordax II and a megareview with interview of Karate Cop and Omega Cop!
YourVideoStoreShelf has interview with Brandon Baker and David Giancola (who directed the last Anna Nicole Smith movie, and was also involved in the film Timechasers.
Animal of the week – Frilled Shark
Frilled Shark
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Chondrichthyes
Subclass: Elasmobranchii
Order: Hexanchiformes
Family: Chlamydoselachidae
Chlamydoselachus anguineus
The frilled shark, Chlamydoselachus anguineus, is a primitive shark species found in the deep water. The sharks are usually found at depths of between 50 m and 1,500 m. They typically eat squid, other sharks, and deepwater bony fish
New Review – The Revenge of Dr. X!
The review for the week is the Ed Wood written classic about a Venus Flytrap Man, The Revenge of Dr. X!
Complete with two movie clips. Read the review here.
Eli Roth is a crybaby
Eli Roth got upset that Hostel II did bad, so put this in his myspace blog.
Hey Everyone,
I’m in Paris, doing press for the French release of Hostel Part II, and tonight I’m off to Rome for the last leg of the press tour. After that I’m going to take a long overdue break, since I’ve gone from one film to the next without stopping, just to recharge my brain a bit.
I want to thank all of you for your kind e-mails and incredible support for the film. However, piracy has become worse than ever now, and a stolen workprint (with uninished music, no sound effects, and no VFX) leaked out on line before the release, and is really hurting us, especially internationally. Piracy will be the death of the film industry, as it killed the music industry, and while it makes a smaller dent in huge movies like Spider Man 3, it really hurts films like mine, which have far less of an advertising and production budget. Not only that, critics have actually been REVIEWING the film based off the pirated copy, which is inexcusable. Some of these critics I have actually known for a few years, and while I wouldn’t dignify them by mentioning them by name, I know who they are, as do the studios, and other filmmakers, and they will no longer have any access to any of my films.
What I’m saying is, this is your last chance to see one of my films for a while. If you haven’t seen it, go now, because after next weekend the film will be gone from theaters. There are too many other summer movies coming in, so basically we get two weeks in cinemas, and then the film will live on DVD. I am not directing CELL any time soon, and I most likely will take the rest of the year to write my other projects. Which means I wouldn’t shoot until the spring, and you wouldn’t see a film directed by me in the cinemas until at least next fall. If everyone on my friends list went to see the film this weekend and brought a friend, it would make a huge difference. Bring a non-horror fan – try to convert them. It’s the only way these films will live. But right now the R rated horror film is in serious jeopardy. Studios feel the public doesn’t want them any more, and so they are only putting PG-13 films into production. The only way to counter this perception is to get out there and support R rated horror. It’s the only message they’ll hear. People love the movie, and even though it only cost $10 million dollars (as opposed to the other summer tentpoles which cost $300 million), and has already earned its money back, if it’s not a massive money earner then they’ll just continue to make the same PG-13 films everyone complained about a few years ago.
To counter piracy, fans can flood file sharing services with fake Hostel II downloads just so no one can ever actually get the movie, but the only thing that really makes a difference is supporting the movie in the theaters. Also – the theater OWNERS know this as well. If horror movies aren’t bringing in customers, they’re not going to program them. If we are going to send them a message, we have to do it with our wallets, and we have to do it now. I’ve done all I can to make a great film for the fans, as violent and bloody and fun as possible. The rest is up to you guys…
Thanks again for all your support,
Eli
Boo-hoo-hoo, no one saw my crappy torture porn film! Oddly enough, this diatribe on how piracy destroyed his film (instead of it just being crappy) disappeared shortly thereafter. It is actually good for horror if this torture porn crap bombs, as it is nothing but brainless degenerative drivel.
Hey, if someone did put up fake Hostel II torrents, then the downloaders can’t possibly get anything worse than Hostel II.
