Lash LaRue returns because YOU demanded it with Alien Outlaw – the new RiffTrax VOD!

Yes, YOU demanded it! YOU! We know who you are, Gary. Stop trying to deny you demanded more Lash LaRue. Because he’s here and he’s not going away. Lash LaRue is going through my fridge and eating my leftovers and snoozing on my couch. I’m sending you a bill for my couch cleaning, Gary!

With Alien Outlaw, you can see Lash LaRue, aliens who break the law, and gunfights with said lawbreaker aliens. These alien outlaws break all the laws, even Ape Law! Watch as they mockingly stroll into the Forbidden Zone! Luckily, alien lawbreaking jerks easily die to bullets and fishhooks. And if that isn’t enough to get you to order Alien Outlaw right now on RiffTrax.com, I don’t know what else to say!

When you see a title like Alien Outlaw, you know to expect one thing: a heavy focus on rural gunfighting shows and the agencies that book them to regional fairs. What’s that? You expect some quantity of alien outlaw activity? Well, there is some of that, sure, a small amount. But surely the next thing you expect is a healthy dose of elderly whipmaster Lash LaRue, sort of wandering around the set and shouting things at other characters? And that he’ll be shirtless at some point? Okay, good, glad we’re on the same page there at least.

When last we saw Lash LaRue he was fighting ancient Native American zombies over a sacred rental property in The Dark Power. This time he and his protégé, the young pantsless gunfighting phenom Jesse Jamison, are defending a tiny mountain community from alien outlaws – no, that’s not a typo, despite the title Alien Outlaw there are actually multiple alien outlaws in this movie. It’s also not entirely clear that they’re outlaws, and it’s even less clear why they came to Earth or what their plans are at any point in the story. But one thing’s for sure: they love old-timey Wild West gunfights! Because okay, why not!

Homemade Predator costumes, Lash LaRue AND his fat hillbilly sidekick buddy from The Dark Power, an alien killed with a fishing hook, what more could anyone ask for? For Lash to use the whipping talent that made him famous at some point in the movie, maybe? Good luck with that! It’s time for befuddlement and laughter, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Alien Outlaw!

Alien Outlaw RiffTrax

All of My Heart is Hallmark Channel’s Valentine’s Day mega movie!

All of my Heart Hallmark Channel

This story is about our love affair…..with ice cream!!!


Lacey Chabert is the hardest working woman in direct to cable movies, and she once again has a starring role with the new Hallmark Channel movie All of My Heart. It’s one of those opposites attract romance movies, this time the twist being they live in the same house. This twist is sort of odd because that’s the plot of these weird anime games I see trailers for occasionally, about secretly having a powerful male roommate who may or may not become more than just a roommate. I’m not sure why I keep getting those game trailers as ads, perhaps due to my long history of living secretly in other peoples’ houses. Right now I am living in this family’s crawlspace and they are none the wiser!

A young caterer’s life suddenly changes course when she inherits a country home and learns she must share it with a career-obsessed Wall Street trader. At first, these opposites do not attract, but feelings begin to change when they find themselves having to work side-by-side to restore their newly acquired home.

Ed Asner should totally be playing his character from Up, just because I demand it. All of My Heart is the last of the five new romance movies Hallmark Channel is putting out for their Countdown to Valentine’s Day event, but don’t fret just yet, because I’m sure they’ll have a Countdown to St. Patrick’s Day event just next month! Or not. But when will we get leprechaun-themed romance movies???

All of My Heart stars Lacey Chabert (The Tree That Saved Christmas) as Jenny, Brennan Elliott (The Nanny Express) as Brian, Greyston Holt (She Made Them Do It) as Daryl, Daniel Cudmore (Warcraft) as Tommy, Ed Asner (Up) as Vern, and Heather Doerksen (Pacific Rim) as Casey. It’s directed by Peter DeLuise (Zapped) and written by Karen Berger.

All of My Heart premieres Saturday, February 14, on Hallmark Channel!

via Hallmark/Bettina Strauss

Back to School Mom enrolls on Lifetime!

Back to School Mom Lifetime

If doing extra credit is wrong, I don’t want to be right!


Back to School Mom features a woman returning to college only to find out that the child she gave up long ago is one of her new best friends! It’s like getting a bonus diploma or something! No clue yet if there is some sort of crazy twist, like incest or the son is nuts or anything. It looks like it’s just a straight forward nice story of unexpected things happening. At least we know something good came from all those “Obama wants moms to go back to school” ads that littered the web a few years back!

Mary Thomas, a free-spirited musician, has spent the past two decades traveling the world, but at age 41 she decides to go back to college and finish her degree so that, for once, she can finally finish something she started. Back at her old university, she becomes close friends with her popular and charming “peer tutor”— only to learn that he is actually the son she gave up 20 years earlier.

Back to School Mom stars Kimberly Elise (John Q), Loretta Devine (Waiting to Exhale), Rick Fox (He Got Game), Garcelle Beauvais (NYPD Blue), Harry Lennix (The Matrix Reloaded), and Denzel Whitaker (Warrior).

The movie is directed by Christopher Erskin (Johnson Family Vacation), with Gerald Olson (The Bug Movie) writing the script. The movie filmed in South Africa.

Back to School Mom premieres Saturday, February 14, on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

Superman vs. The Elite (Review)

Superman vs. The Elite

Superman vs the Elite
2012
Written by Joe Kelly
Based on “What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way?” from Action Comics #775 by Joe Kelly, Doug Mahnke, and Lee Bermejo
Directed by Michael Chang

Superman vs the Elite
Superman has been a cultural icon for 80 years, he’s survived several waves of popularity of comic books, multiple reboots and revisions to his story and character, and still remains popular world wide despite the world being far different than the one he was introduced to. In fact, one of the major things people write about Superman is how he seems to be a character from another time. Back when things seemed simple and a super powered guy could just punch his way to the right answer. Now things are complicated, because we think about the consequences of actions and about the causes of problems, so just punching things is usually out. This is helped in part by characterizations of Superman by people who don’t really know what to do with him, turning him into a boy scout tool of the government or a deadbeat dad. One of the plot points of Superman Returns was Lois Lane winning a Pulitzer for an article basically saying the world didn’t need a Superman.

Where some media interpretations of Superman has failed, he has gained a pretty solid characterization in the numerous animated projects from DC comics, across tv and dtv films. The Superman presented is a man who does his best to balance power and responsibility while stopping threats of immense power (and they usually have to be, because Superman is just invincible otherwise!)
Superman vs the Elite
So it’s natural that the animated DC movies would cover What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way? from Action Comics #775. Written by Joe Kelly (with pencils by Doug Mahnke and Lee Bermejo), it’s a story about how the world seems to have changed, how heroes that are willing to kill (a line Superman doesn’t cross) have gained traction, and just how much Superman holds back in the hope of inspiring people to be better. Superman takes his responsibility as a role model seriously, and holds himself to the highest moral standard. Some of the themes are also present in the awesome Kingdom Come story (another tale I hope gets the animated treatment!)

The Elite is a team consisting of four members. Manchester Black is the leader, he has a Union Jack tattooed over his chest (I thought it was just a shirt until it was specifically pointed out!) The Hat is an Asian mystic who can do magic tricks and summon supernatural creatures thanks to his magic hat. He’s also constantly drunker as the movie goes on. Menagerie has some sort of alien biosuit that allows her to turn into creatures. Coldcast is a large man wearing chains that has electromagnetic powers. Aside from Manchester’s long tragic flashback, the other three Elite don’t get much in the way of characterization and pretty much follow Black’s lead.
Superman vs the Elite
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The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

How to do a proper bowling stance


Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!


Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve.
Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man.
Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city.
Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith.
Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place.
Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game.
Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess.
Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!


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Wet your lips for Kiss of the Tarantula, the new RiffTrax VOD!

Like the rest of Planet Earth, I’m a big fan of 1970s movies about girls with supernatural powers that they use to slay their enemies. Thus, RiffTrax’s new VOD, Kiss of the Tarantula, is simply a must-get. Not only does the heroine get her revenge with an army of tarantulas that she controls, but there’s also a creepy uncle! Unfortunately, there isn’t a giant spider made out of an old VW Beetle, so this can’t be the best spider movie ever. But it’s the best spider movie where the spiders are controlled by a teenage girl ever!

Buy it now at RiffTrax.com!

Did you ever watch the movie Carrie and think, “hm, pretty good, but her creepy home life wasn’t nearly creepy enough”? Then boy, have we got something for you!

Meet Susan. She’s just like any other troubled teen, except her dad is an undertaker, their house is a mortuary full of corpses, she’s got a sleazy uncle who’s around a little too often, and a room full of pet tarantulas who do her bidding. And what’s her bidding, exactly? Revenge murder against those who’ve wronged her, of course! And how exactly do the tarantulas kill her enemies, given that tarantulas are really not that dangerous to humans? Well, they… um… you’ll just have to watch the movie and see if you can figure it out, because we really can’t.

Some of the slowest murders in film history, a final sequence so drawn out that the first time we screened it we were in tears (the laughing kind of tears, mostly), and middle-aged teenagers galore! Time to pucker up for your Kiss of the Tarantula!

Kiss of the Tarantula RiffTrax