New review is up – Son of Dracula
This Bollywood mess has statues that yell, dolls that kill, and girls that writhe around. But it isn’t good. Shame. We need fun! Complete with two movie clips so you don’t waste and hour waiting for the good parts! Read it today!
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Directed by Saleem Suma
Bollywood horror is filled with ups and downs. Mostly downs. Every once in a while, you run into something so ridiculously stupid, it is awesome. Unfortunately, that was Shaitani Dracula, and we are now watching Son of Dracula, which is absolutely terrible. All of the fun of random dudes strolling around in dime store costumes is gone, instead we have a disco guy seducing random women, one of which gives birth to Son of Dracula, a doll that is waved around like it is the spookiest thing ever, and a statue looking like bigfoot that spends the entire film yelling. The main crime is none of that is any fun. It should be fun. It sounds like fun. But, brother, it ain’t fun! I originally ordered this knowing nothing except what the vcd cover looked like, and it promised a vampire/Yoda thing. He is in here, but he isn’t as fun as he looks. The lesson for today is disappointment, a harsh lesson I am tired of learning over and over again with more and more films. Luckily, the good jewels make up for the duds.
I am guessing the film was edited by caffeinated squirrels with ADD, due to the hap-hazard cuts, random scenes, and nonsensical anything. Nothing in this film makes the slightest bit of sense. Even if there were subtitles, this thing would be a mess, and the subtitles would probably end up having been stolen from a Harry Potter film. Bollywood horror has a complicated history covered by multiple sources, and a quick summary here would not do it justice. So we will just skip it and dive right into the film, because it doesn’t take a detailed history of a country’s movie culture to recognize that this film sucks. And at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles, so we dive in unaided.
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Thanks goodness!
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What year this was made in is debatable, because it doesn’t seem to be listed anywhere. The other problem is the cast list, I cannot conclusively link most of the actors to parts, largely due to my lack of finding good pictures or even any information at all about most of the cast. The actors list is credited as follows: Joginder, Raza Murad, Alaudeen Ferozm, Poonm Das Gupta, Sapna, Arif, Mahendrea Tiwari. Joginder is probably Joginder Shelly, and he has been called “the Badshaah of 70s B-grade films” as he was a popular over-acting villain. I am sure you know what Badshaah means, so moving on. Raza Murad is another popular villain character actor. Poonm Das Gupta is Poonam Das Gupta, and is probably Mom of Son of Dracula. Imagine that, a misspelling in the name of an actor in a B-movie. Shocking. I got nothing on any of the others. So there. Drop us a line if you have a clue.
UPDATE: in the blog announcement Vinayak has disclosed that Takul is played by Joginder Shelly and the Inspector is played by Raza Murad: “he stated with “A grade movies” and slowly slipped to “C Grade”.” Thanks, Vinayak!
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New review is up, Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop. Complete with lots of pictures, spawn-off articles, movie clip, and more analysis than a cheap Japanese “erotic” film deserves. Read it today!
Here is some info on the individual films:
Sexy S.W.A.T. Team aka Onna chikan sôsakan: Oshiri de shôbu! aka Female Detective Molester Buster: My Ass Wins.
1998 IMDB link
cast: Masayuki Akuta, Yumika Hayashi, Yukijirô Hotaru, Shôko Kudô, Nao Saitô, Satomi Shinozaki
The “Sexy S.W.A.T. team” is an elite unit of four beautiful women, fighting Tokyo’s sex crimes. When inspectors, Michelle and Heather, discover a laser is erotically affecting peoples’ minds, they link the incidents to a nearby Brainwave Institute. The struggle begins as they attempt to uncover the mystery, and bring down the mastermind behind it all.
Trailer link on NSFW Pink Eiga site
Sexy S.W.A.T. Team 2 aka Onna chikan sôsakan 2: basuto de goyô! aka Female Detective Molester Buster 2: Catch You with My Breasts aka Chikan fairu: sennyû onna sôsakan 2.
1999 IMDB link
cast: Shôko Kudô, Tomohiro Okada, Nao Saitô, Keiko Seto, Hitomi Yamazaki, Makoto Yamazaki
Sexy S.W.A.T. Team 3 aka Onna chikan sôsakan 3: chijô no tekunikku aka Female Detective Molester Buster 3: Indecent Technique aka Chikan otori sôsakan: inshû no yubisaki aka The Molestation Investigator Decoy
2000 IMDB link
cast: Yukari Aoki, Ichirô Nakade, Makoto Sasaki, Mayuko Sasaki, Shûetsu Tôkaichi, Makoto Yamazaki
Sexy S.W.A.T. Team 4 aka Onna chikan sôsakan 4: torokeru kahanshin aka Female Detective Molester Buster 4: Melting Body aka Chikan otori sôsakan 2: geki nure inran shiri aka The Molestation Investigator Decoy 2.
2001 IMDB link
cast: Yumika Hayashi, Yukijirô Hotaru, Motoshi Imano, Kyôko Kazama, Terumi Minami, Ken’ichi Tajima, Shûetsu Tôkaichi
The elite sexual crime investigator, Claire, tries to arrest a sexual offender on a train. However, he puts a strange machine on her vagina and she becomes momentarily paralyzed. One day, she is ordered to investigate a stalker’s incident. She discovers the crime is related to the groper and his strange machine. Claire asks the help of super genius scientist and criminal, Dr. Honeybar Nectar, and tries to solves the crime
First up is some random film about a bunch of people who have sex, use vibrators, bang on a dude’s junk with a hammer (and then a girl satisfies his bandaged unit.) This is followed up by going on some sort of stage show/seminar/home shopping channel and sexing it up Japan style. No clue what the title is, but if you can translate it you can order this fine DVD for some reason:
Next up is a movie designed like some show that looks like guys nailing girls with random jobs, trying to get to 100 girls. The professions include a massage girl, some girl in a mardi gras costume, a ballerina, and it looks like #100 is a reporter. There are also Chikans (Japanese subway perverts) who factor into the plot somehow. All of this seems to be produced by a boob-themed tv show that seems to be putting on a contest. This film is odd, but not enough craziness or fun for my taste.
The third entry is the highlight and why this article was written…a film with ninjas! Titled Bin Bin or something, starring a ninja dude with ratty teeth that make British smiles look like Crest City. This is a costumed film, much like a future review here called Queen Bee Honey. The trailer lets us know the film is filled with sex sex sex sex sex sex, but it also features some wacky characters:
Ninja Girl
Other Girl
Girl in Cat Costume
America Girl – She has red white and blue panties, and is all pro-USA.
Evil Devil Girl
Nerdy Ninja Girl
Random Nerdy Dudes – one has a big fro
The main gnarly-toothed dude can fly thanks to blue screen technology. Blue screens – enabling bad films since the color blue was invented. Another interesting sequence involves the Evil Devil Girl sucking Gnarly Teeth Guy into a black hole where her vagina should be! Someone’s fantasy just go made in Japanese bad teeth form!
There are also ninja fights, and best of all, a giant robot that steps on the two girls operating it. Giant robots in softcore porn, I think this is a first.
This film looks like fun city.
Next – There is some sort of magic act to make a foam dildo by a hot chick, this is the intro to the next movie. It has a plot that seems to be about a UFO, except there is also parts that look like The Ring. Some sort of low budget science fiction spoof. The title might be Yrick, because that word keeps appearing on the screen, and there doesn’t look to be a title screen.
So some girl yells at you, so buy the DVD, because she yelled at you to! You don’t want to anger the random Japanese movie starlet, do you?
The final trailer can be described as thus –
Kyoko is some girl who wants to be martial artist or something, she has glasses and a sports bra. Her training seems to be pulling trains with all the dudes. That’s like ten guys at once. This is some sort of gang-bang karate. Forget 8 Diagram Pole Fighter, this is Ten Guys’ Poles Taker. There is some other girl who is pulling trains as well, I guess she is the rival. They keep pulling trains until the girl who pulls the most trains wins. This movie would be good if you like seeing women have sex with lots of dudes at once, but don’t like it to be actual porn. You know, what we really need is a softcore film about train operators who have lots of sex, because that hasn’t been done yet! Imagine all the time you could film with stock shots of trains entering tunnels. Skanks on a Train.
Kyoko is called a loser by the guys in her train, but the fight is on, so she keeps gang-banging away! It is a movie to show you the triumph of the human spirit. I could be completely wrong on the plot, but Japanese trailers are confusing.
aka Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki
2006
Directed and written by Daigo Udagawa
Japan’s output of film is remarkable. They have taken to direct to video like it is crack cocaine, allowing for hundreds of cheaply produced films to flood the market, many of which are adult in nature. Their softcore industry is a monster of its own, complete with dozens of subgenres and long-running film series such as the Ninja Vixens movies (ten at last count) and erotic versions of many mainstream films. I hesitate to call Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki, aka Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop an erotic parody, because the films seemed to have forgotten the parody part and is instead just a slightly sexed up version of the big budget film done for 1/100th the price. It is hard to believe I spent so long looking for this film, thinking it would be a good companion piece to the Yo-Yo Girl Cop review. Instead, it is disappointing to say the least. There are some moments of charm, but all in all the film is slow and boring, slightly disturbing, and will never be watched again.
Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki) is not the only erotic version of Yo-Yo Girl Cop (Sukeban Deka: kôdo nêmu = Asamiya Saki) to come out in that film’s wake, the hardcore porn Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki was another example. Where as Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop merely stars an AV actress and has simulated sex, Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki is filled with hardcore sex. In addition, Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop is not even the first softcore knock-off of the Sukeban Deka franchise, Mototsugu Watanabe’s Sexy Battle Girls (Nerawareta gakuen: seifuku o osou) – aka Sukepan deka: kawaii meiki preceded this film by many years. Having not seen that film, which starred Kyôko Hashimoto, I can’t accurately compare the two. More info on the two other Sukeban Deka erotic versions mentioned in this paragraph are at the end of the review, along with poster art.
So now we can jump right into Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki), written and directed by Daigo Udagawa. The film stars Mihiro Taniguchi as Saki Moromie, and follows much of the basic storyline from its inspiration, though it ditches the boring website cult storyline and just runs with a prostitution ring, government corruption, and the schoolgirl forced to investigate by a secret agency in order to save her jailed mother. The film copies the poster art, the uniform style, and some smaller details, but is limited by the small budget as to what they could do on film.
Let’s meet the cast!
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