Incredible 2-headed Transplant Rifftrax

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant – New RiffTrax VOD!

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant is the newest RiffTrax VOD! It may be the most ridiculous of the two headed transplant movie genre, with fierce competition from The Thing with Two Heads, which not only includes a racial element, but has a rocking soundtrack. The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant tosses any social commentary out of the window in place of pure weirdness and bad movie ridiculousness. What I’ve always wondered is why there isn’t a 3-headed transplant genre? Low-budget filmmakers, get cracking! But until they get off their lazy butts and revitalize the multi-headed movie genre with 21st century technology, we’ll have to settle for The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant and the RiffTrax commentary.

Buy it today at RiffTrax.com!

Bruce Dern has it all: A beautiful wife. An expensive house with a pool. A two headed monkey. Casey Kasem for a neighbor. And yet, he’s feeling unfulfilled, perhaps because—

What’s that? Oh, you’re right, we did kind of just gloss right over the unusual part of that sentence. Yes, Top 40 DJ Casey Kasem is Bruce’s neighbor. He’s always stopping by to deliver a long distance dedication or prattle on about some dead dog while Bruce is trying to do important stuff, like attach heads to a monkey or an idiot manchild.

For you see, Bruce’s entirely normal pastime is figuring out how graft additional heads onto things. Why? Why did Michelangelo paint? Why did Mozart compose? Man is compelled to create, and sometimes what he creates is as stupid as a serial killer’s head sewn onto a local hillbilly’s shoulder.

Needless to say, this does not go well. (Both being neighbors with Casey Kasem and the whole ‘manufacturing godless abominations in the guest room you converted into a lab’ thing.) Come for the mutant in overalls, stay for the wife in a cage, it’s all here in The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant!

Incredible 2-headed Transplant Rifftrax

Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel

Rokto Pipasha (Review)

Rokto Pipasha

aka রক্ত পিপাসা aka The Vampire
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
2009BMDB Link
Written and Directed by Rubel

These vampires know how to have fun!

Bangladesh does their own version of Blade, all Bangla-ed up with plenty of fighting, yelling, dr4ama, people with giant swords, singing, child endangerment, ridiculous vehicles, cheap effects, scratched film, excitement, and only lacking in the budget. Rokto Pipasha is amazing cinema, and deserved a larger audience, especially in the West. Since the current audience in the West seems to be just me (There is currently literally nothing about this film written in English!), it’s time for TarsTarkas.NET to do what it does best, exposing obscure foreign fun to the masses. And as Rokto Pipasha is all over YouTube in a format where it doesn’t look too bad, there is really no excuse not to track it down. Rokto Pipasha does not have subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! You also don’t really need them to figure out what is going on. There are some vampires, some vampire hunters, and a lot of fighting. The villains are obvious, the heroes spend much of their time tracking them down or arguing amongst themselves, and the action sequences are rather well choreographed.

For those of you uninitiated with Bangla cinema, their action movies feature a lot of the things common in action cinema in India, Pakistan, and the Middle East. There is a lot of yelling and boasting by heroes and villains before they fight. There are dramatic zooms. A lot of dramatic zooms. In one sequence, vampire hunter Mr. T argues with four other vampire hunters, and we get a reaction zoom to Mr. T, then the first hunter, then Mr. T, then the second hunter, repeating for all. This happens multiple times throughout the film. The action is over the top, bringing in elements of martial arts and super heroes. The characters do punches and kicks that would kill normal people, but because they fight others who are super powered, they often do little damage, except for on whichever character is slated to die in that fight. All the main vampire hunters have a huge weapon, either a ridiculous sword or a scythe or something, and they walk around carrying the giant hand weapon in a world where guns exist. The soundtrack is packed full of stolen music. Rokto Pipasha came out in 2007, so there is no excuse. It’s yet another movie with the James Bond theme, as a weird remix pops up randomly during scenes where characters are looking cool. I also recognized tracks from Gladiator, Star Wars, Jaws, and various Westerns.
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
Most of the action either takes place in the middle of nowhere or in giant warehouse studios with large hand painted murals as set decoration. There are one or two actual sets that might be part of a hotel or something, unsurprisingly some of the musical numbers also take place here (as those parts will have higher budgets than the rest of the film). And even those locations have walls covered in huge paintings. I would also wager that if I watched more low budget Bangladeshi films, I would recognize some of the paintings.

One thing that isn’t common in Bangla cinema is the characters drive around in ridiculous custom monster vehicles. The cars would be 1000% not street legal in the US, and the vehicle choices make you obvious targets for whoever is hunting you. They also look ridiculous, even though they are awesome. Just check out the wealth of images I took of these monstrosities and try not to instantly want to watch Rokto Pipasha! Another thing that is rare is Western-style monsters like vampires, though films “borrowing” plots from American cinema isn’t that rare in Bangla film. Rokto Pipasha has concepts lifted directly from the Blade movies, but follows enough of its own path that it isn’t a straight ripoff, it just owes a heavy debt.
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
As Rokto Pipasha is obscure as heck, this will be another classic TarsTarkas.NET longread where I go over everything. Those of you who hate reading will enjoy the large amount of photos and gifs, and everyone will have a good time. Or else I’ll stab you with my vampire sword! The lack of subtitles means the character names are guesses, though I’m pretty sure I’m right about the main vampire hunter Blade ripoff played by Rubel being named Mr. T. The villain vampire in love is definitely named Romeo.

Rubel aka Masum Parvez Rubel stars and also directed and co-wrote the film, along with some writers that I couldn’t find names for. He also delivers the explaination in the beginning and seems to be a big fan of the Blade series. According to a text blurb he put in the film, he “committer himself to give you a good commercial film”, so few films declare their intentions nowadays. Besides Rubel, actor Shakil Khan has a featured role as a villainous vampire in love. Actor names I couldn’t connect with roles include: Bipasha (is this Bipasha Hayat?), Moumita, and Elys Kobra. There is also a cameo appearance from Bangla action star Sohel Rana. The lack of English information in general on Bangla film is a big problem that I hope gets solved someday, and it is made exponentially harder by the few cast members that are mentioned in talk about the film just having a single name. I am eagerly awaiting someone to chime in down in the comments for who is who.
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel

Mr. T (Rubel) – Mr. T is a loner, a rebel, a guy on a motorcycle who kills vampires all night and broods all day. So of course he hangs out with a ten year old girl that he kills vampires with. That makes logical sense. Carries a gigantic sword and is master of kung fu, wearing sunglasses, and shooting guns.
Karmila (???) – Karmila hangs out with the vampire fighting brothers and slays as many of the bloodsuckers as she can out of revenge. She also goes wandering off by herself at night all the time, often running into Mr. T and having long conversations that turn into romantic interests, though the vampire slaying comes first. Karmila seems to have the power to sense vampires. Karmila carries a big sword. She’s often called Mila.
Romeo (Shakil Khan) – A vampire lord who has discovered love, and his love for his Girlfriend has tempered his vampiric bloodlust, though he occasionally flashes fangs. Is served by the Four Snake Villains, and drives around in a giant monster car.
Scythe Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who carries a big honking scythe as he kills vampires. Lives the longest of the brothers.
Sword Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who carries a big honking sword as he kills vampires. The least developed of the main three brothers.
Arrow Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who carries a big honking bow and arrow as he kills vampires. Also occasionally uses other weapons. The most rash of the brothers.
Random other Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who spends most of the movie in bed and off screen, only occasionally jumping into battle to tackle a big opponent. Injects himself with some sort of drug, it seems like he was turned into a vampire and represses it or something, but isn’t on screen enough for this to make a difference in anything.
Girlfriend (???) – Romeo’s Girlfriend, who is still a human but loves her vampire boyfriend. Possibly named Karina. Mr. T is hired by her father to retrieve her from Romeo.
Partner (???) – Mr. T battles vampires with the help of a tiny girl, because bringing a young child into constant danger and murder scenarios will always end well. She ends up some vampire dinner! Oh, Partner, you were destined to die from the moment you appeared!
Three Idiots (???) – It’s not a movie unless three unfunny guys randomly show up to annoy characters.
Random Ghost (???) – Thankfully the Three Idiots are later harassed by this Random Ghost. Anyone who harasses the Three Idiots is a winner in my book!
Four Snake Villains (???) – The Four Snake Villains serve Romeo and battle the Vampire Fighting Brothers. I don’t think they are vampires, they are just fighting masters who may serve Romeo because they are evil or because they will get vampire powers at some later date. Or would, if they weren’t killed one by one as the movie progresses.
Dancing Villainess (???) – She starts out as the item girl for tiny vampire guy Lukanda, but ends up ruling his empire and attempts to destroy Romeo and Mr. T, possibly because they won’t date her.
Lukanda (???) – A partying vampire lord who spends most of his time dancing to his girlfriend singing, hanging out with scrawny guys, and being carried around and having weapons put into his hands. Often found on top of pedestals. Wears skull shirts, because of course he does. Has magic pelvis thrusting power. Do not stare directly at the pelvis!

Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel

a bone to pick Aurora Teagarden Mystery Hallmark

A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery brings fancy murder to Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

a bone to pick Aurora Teagarden Mystery Hallmark

That’s the bastard with all the overdue library books!


Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is in the business of kickstarting new mystery movie franchises starring alumni from Full House because they are ratings gold, and 2015 is a big year in new series starting up. Thus, we’re getting the Aurora Teagarden series, which as all literary fans know is written by Charlaine Harris, who wrote the Southern Vampire Mystery series that True Blood is based on! A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery is the first of what will probably be at least three of the films, the actual details are a bit hazy and will probably alter based on ratings.

A librarian with a sharp mind for murder, Aurora Teagarden is known around her small town as a master sleuth. When her friend Jane unexpectedly dies and leaves Aurora everything in her will, she also leaves a troubling murder mystery haunting her neighborhood. It is up to Aurora to piece together the clues—-including a skull, its missing skeleton and a suspicious group of neighbors—-and solve the murder before she becomes the unlikely killer’s next victim.

A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery stars Candace Cameron-Bure (Full House) as Aurora Teagarden, Lexa Doig (Jason X) as Sally, Marilu Henner (Taxi) as Aida, Bruce Dawson (Hollow Man II) as John, Peter Benson (Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball ) as Arthur, Sonya Salomaa (MXP: Most Xtreme Primate) as Marcia Rideout, Dan Payne (A Christmas Story 2) as Torrance Rideout, Miranda Frigon (A Cookie Cutter Christmas) as Lynn Liggett, and Stephen Huszar (12 Men of Christmas) as Father Scott Aubrey. It’s directed by Martin Wood (Goodnight for Justice: Queen of Hearts) and the adapted by Teena Booth (The Grim Sleeper).

A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery premieres April 4th on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

Photo via Hallmark/David Owen Strongman

Roller Blade Movie

Roller Blade (Review)

Roller Blade

Roller Blade Movie
1986
Story by Donald G. Jackson
Screenplay by Donald G. Jackson and Randall Frakes
Directed by Donald G. Jackson

Roller Blade Movie
A post-apocalyptic future where you live and die based on how well you roller blade. Yes, Roller Blade is a classic piece of b movie insanity from the mind of Donald G. Jackson. You might think that means there are roller blades in the film, but you would be wrong, everyone is using regular skates, as this was years before in-line skates or roller blades became popular.

Director Donald G. Jackson spent a whole $5000 making Roller Blade and it went on to become very successful, earning over a million dollars through video sales. He made several additional roller blade themed movies, some of which were funded by studios. Some drama happened that’s more appropriate to discuss in the relative films’ reviews, but needless to say it despite the increase in budget, it was not a pleasant experience for Jackson. The large amount of Roller Blade related films has ensured the films a cult following, even as Legend of the Roller Blade Seven has a reputation for being one of the worst films ever made.
Roller Blade Movie
Donald G. Jackson is known for being an advocate of Zen Filmmaking, a method of low-budget filmmaking that doesn’t use a script and focuses on using the energy of the cast and available resources to craft a film on the fly. Hence, many of Jackson’s films seem like they were made up by a group of friends on weekends, because they often are. Some of his more structured films such as Hell Comes to Frogtown are more focused, but you can see the roots of Zen Filmmaking here: The lack of focus or strong script, voice-overs instead of sync sound, characters that randomly become more important, and actors playing multiple roles.
Roller Blade Movie

Bad Blood Lifetime

Bad Blood will make you feel good on Lifetime!

Bad Blood Lifetime

Every Lifetime movie turns into Orange is the New Black.


When the blood goes bad, suddenly you have a DNA match for a serial killer who is also your stalker and frames you for murders! Damn, better keep an eye on the expiration dates! Luckily, our heroine Lauren Malone fights back against this evil man who wants to destroy her and her her motorcycle customizing business. Take that, random psycho! Bad Blood is the flick’s name, and being a movie Lifetime bought the rights to have the premiere is its game! Let’s not get into how this whole DNA match thing makes no sense, and hopefully gets explained better than the synopsis does.

Lauren Malone is happy with the life she’s built: her own place, a steady job customizing motorcycles, and a good man in Sheriff Church. While her past might have been a bit rocky, she has more than made up for it. But everything in Lauren’s life changes when the police come knocking on her door… and arrest her for murder. Lauren has no alibi, and her blood is all over the crime scene. What Lauren doesn’t know is that a serial killer named Oscar has developed an obsession with her… and that he has an exact match for Lauren’s DNA. Oscar helps her escape from custody, but Lauren slips through his fingers when she realizes who he is. Lauren finds herself caught between a psychopath determined to take her prisoner and a manhunt led by Sheriff Church. With nowhere else to turn, Lauren seeks help from her estranged ex-con father Ray, and the two team up to find a way to clear Lauren’s name… before Oscar has the chance to kill again.

Bad Blood stars Taylor Cole (April Fool’s Day), Jeff Kober (Tank Girl), Billy Miller (American Sniper), Carly Chaikin (In a World…), Brett Rickaby (Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt ), and Christine Adams (TRON: Legacy ). It’s directed by Adam Silver (The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, a lot of cinematography work) and written by Ryan Rothmaier (his first feature writing credit, a lot of editing work)

Bad Blood premieres Saturday, March 28th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

Shy Spirit

Shy Spirit (Review)

Shy Spirit

aka 九月初九之重見天日 aka Shyly Spirit aka Pa xiu gui
Shy Spirit
1991
Written by Jeng Man-Wa
Directed by Chong Yan-Gin

Shy Spirit
Shy Spirit is about one thing, which is a nude ghost girl. The film then sets up a nice and ridiculous scenario to get the nude ghost girl, who is nude far less than you would expect for this being a movie about a nude ghost girl. Despite the nude ghost girl being the draw, Shy Spirit is not one of those smutty Cat III ghost films. Though it’s a spooky comedy, like many Hong Kong films the tone will jump around, daring to become suddenly serious or becoming a well-choreographed action film before jerking right back to the comedy.

Shy Spirit also isn’t very good. It takes too long to set up the complicated plot, which then rambles around a while. Large portions of the film focus on Long-Life like he’s supposed to be the hero, even though he does all sorts of bad things like inadvertently kill Hsio, turning her into the “shy spirit” of the title. Sing ends up becoming the hero, though he
Shy Spirit
Shy Spirit features rival families and innocent people who are caught in the crossfire. The Wang family and the Ko family are rivals, dating back to when both patriarchs were chasing after the same girl as youth, Mrs. Hu. She ended up choosing neither of those idiots, instead picking a sickly guy. All three families have kids at the same time, Mr. Wang celebrates the birth of his son Sing, Mr. Ko celebrates the birth of his son Long-Life, and Mrs. Hu celebrates the birth of her daughter, Hsio. This means another generation of the rivalry. Not only that, but it’s time to tell the fortunes of the three babies, thanks to a traveling priest and his hopping assistant. The priest is Lam Ching-Ying essentially playing his one-eyebrow priest character from the Mr. Vampire movies, and the fortune for Long-Life is more of a misfortune – he’ll age rapidly and probably die at age 23. But if he doesn’t, he’ll live a long life. Also he’ll be weak during the full moon. Does that make him a were-weakling? Strangely, he gets the bad fortune, even though other bad stuff happens.
Shy Spirit