We here at TarsTarkas.net aren’t saying that Glenn Beck in fact DID rape and murder a young girl in 1990, but really who is to say that it never happened? Where is the evidence against this claim and when will it be released to the public? What is Glenn Beck afraid of exactly and why has he not commented on such allegations? It does a disservice to the foundations that this country was built and founded upon to suggest that Glenn Beck didn’t raped and murder a young girl in 1990 and the question we American citizens just want answered is whether Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 or not. That’s a yes or no question and would take only a few seconds to respond to. Beck silence on the issue can only serve as a damning admission of guilt.

But what’s even better about the website GlennBeckRapedandMurderedAYoungGirlin1990.com is that it serves up ice cold political parody at its finest. Originally started in a thread on FARK, the rumor has turned into its own meme, spawning image macros, YouTube videos, Yahoo Answers threads, and a whole gaggle of angry FOX lawyers and one red-faced Glenn Beck (who rape and murdered a young girl in 1990). Why accuse Glenn Beck of such a dastardly deed? Well, if you follow Beck’s show at all, you’d understand that the accusation that Glenn Beck Raped and Murdered a Young Girl in 1990 is no less of a falsehood than many of the other rumors and accusations Beck propagates on his own television and radio shows (Obama’s birth certificate, the constructions of FEMA death camps, our country’s fall into Socialism and somehow simultaneously into Fascism, Obama being a racist, Healthcare killing your grandmother, I could go on and on…). Any Beck fan would know that just because there is a mountain of evidence, documents, witnesses, and logic that disproves any of these claims doesn’t exactly mean that the contrary is the truth at all!

If we want to be “journalists” about this like Glenn Beck is we’d first have to ignore all the rational evidence.

Ok. Done.

Now we have to look at the claim itself and take every word apart to analyze the statement. “Glenn” “Beck” “Raped” “And” “Killed” “A” “Young” “Girl” “In” “1990”. Good, now that we have the item in an easy to understand form (this is the only kind of information Glenn Beck can process) we need to repeat it really loudly to our audience so they know that our position is that “Glenn Beck Raped And Killed A Young Girl In 1990”. Next, we again ignore the evidence the mainstream media is paying attention to and instead look at the results of a very scientific poll we conducted 20 minutes ago:

According to the scientific poll 84% of respondents, over half (which is of course the only real indicator of whether or not people believe something), voted “yes” to the question “Do you believe that Glen[n] Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990”. Now that we have our first piece of damning evidence (yes, this is in fact evidence that will hold up in court if your Glenn Beck), we need a secondary source or document that will confirm our polling data and suspicions about how Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Liberals, with their devious media connections, have made it exceedingly difficult for us truth-seekers to get the real dirt that’s out there, so with this in mind instead of getting some factual evidence we will instead forge a document to prove our point right:

As anyone can clearly tell from this document, Glenn Beck, according to a police report, raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Equally as heinous, Beck also, according to the police report above, stole a Sanyo cellphone and $2,000 in cash. Clearly the evidence is here to condemn Glenn Beck for raping and murdering a young girl in 1990, so I’m glad someone put together the website GlennBeckRapedandMurderedAYoungGirlIn1990.com to hold him accountable for such crimes. Again, however, we hold the evidence (which is obviously not a forged document based off documents from the Duke Lacrosse rape case in 2006) that proves to the audience that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 and therefore means it is the God honest truth, so why doesn’t Beck come forward to defend himself from these accusations?

It’s cause he is guilty. This has been an episode of Glenn Beck Rapes and Murdered a Young Girl in 1990, thanks so much for watching!

UPDATE:

Glenn Beck still has not come forward to admit his guilt in the rape and murder of a young girl in 1990, but otherwise there is some cheery fallout from the whole affair. Suggestions for Google searches on Glenn Beck now come in with “did Glenn Beck rape” and “did Glenn Beck murder” as the top two queries, among other hilarious phrases, not to mention that most blogs and newspapers have been on fire “reporting” this story as if it was an actual piece of news that had any kind of truth or relevancy to it. But maybe that was the point. A whole lively forum discussion on the ever growing mountain of evidence proving Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 can be found here. Oh, and if you need ANY MORE evidence (that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990), a lawsuit is being brought up by Beck’s minion of lawyers that accuse the url to the website GlennBeckRapedandMurderedAYoungGirlIn1990.com is defamatory and should be taken down. The lawsuit doesn’t refute any of the content on the website, however, only the title of the domain name, so ipso facto Glenn Beck is admitting his guilt with this lawsuit that only condemns the suggestion of Beck’s crime but none of the evidence that he, Glenn Beck, raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.