John Carter vs White Ape

A still of John Carter from John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) fighting a White Ape has showed up on Entertainment Weakly’s blog (spelled incorrectly on purpose because I’m a jerk!)

I am glad that they kept the scale of the White Apes accurate (the cover art on the books rarely has the apes big enough), but for a true confession: I went to the theater recently and the John Carter trailer started playing. I had no idea what it was and got bored and stopped paying attention until i realized it was the John Carter trailer I saw months ago. It just doesn’t have that excitement of trailers that are awesome. Maybe I’m just being overly jaded from decades of disappointment from entertainment. Or maybe I’m a big jerk! Oh, well. So enjoy this picture of a huge monkey!

John Carter fights White Ape

That's not what I meant by "On like Donkey Kong!"

Manos in HD

Manos in HD – restoring Manos the Hands of Fate to all its glory!

Recently, a film collector made an amazing find – the original 16mm workprint of Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Complete with never-used alternate title!
Manos Fingers of Fate

Hal Warren shot Manos on 16mm reversal stock and edited the film using that same stock. Then he made a 35mm blow-up internegative, and made copies of that for the distribution copies. So already the film was going to look murky in theaters. This print is the original 16mm print.

To compare the current best copy (a vhs dub of the distribution print) to the workprint:
Manos
Manos

Just amazing, that’s what this is. We get glimpses of things such as a few outtakes, seeing beyond the cropping, and even the original opening shot. The owner of the print is preparing the footage to make a limited BluRay release, as well as keeping this print in good enough shape to make theatrical prints from.

Manos Torgo
Manos Master

Beavis and Butthead Crying

Beavis and Butthead – Werewolves of Highland and Crying

Beavis and Butthead

The return of Beavis and Butt-Head is an event that will change America. Not really. But as someone who grew up with Beavis and Butt-Head and remembers all the controversy over the show, the return of the show is a blast of nostalgia and a time to reflect on how America has changed since the show left. What was once considered controversial will probably now be largely ignored as the show airs, with Southpark and other shows taking up the mantle of targets by busybodies with nothing better to do. Heck, there isn’t even an opening warning any more! MTV has graduated to not playing music videos, causing Beavis and Butt-Head to target both videos and the array of reality shows for their commentaries. This has the added bonus of letting us see actual real life people who are far stupider and reprehensible than Beavis and Butthead could ever be. It is a testament to Mike Judge’s vision…no, actually, it’s the same of a nation that people like that are given outlets and money and fame instead of mocked like they deserve. Will Beavis and Butthead save America by destroying the Jersey Shore? If we ever needed a hero, we need one now.

And now that the ridiculous introduction is out of the way, let’s get on with the show!

Werewolves of Highland
Beavis and Butthead watch a Twilight film and realize how much women love the romantic cheesy lines from the film. The Twilight even spills over into school, with Mr. Van Driessen mentioning how the Twilight vampires and werewolves are true antiheroes who are irresistible to women. So Beavis and Butthead get get the idea to become vampires and werewolves themselves! They spots a homeless dude at the mall and have him bite them. But instead of becoming werewolves, they become infected with a score of diseases.

Riffs:
MGMT – Kids – An awesome trashing of the bad parenting shown in the video. And yes, that’s Florida.
Jersey Shore – The boys give us a good slamming of JWOWW and her stories of her grandkids, along with the general terribleness of Jersey Shore cast
Skrillex – First of the Year (Equinox) – Beavis knows what a child molester looks like very accurately. The pair discuss what would actually be spoken on the call to 911 about this video.

Crying
A stray onion causes Beavis to tear up, leading to nonstop mocking by Butt-Head over his crying that continues for the rest of their lives. Sometimes simple episodes like this showcase how awesome the show is.

Riffs:
True Life – I’m Addicted to Porn – “porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn”
LMFAO – Champagne Showers – The pair trashes them for spraying around expensive champagne while the economy sucks. Yes, Beavis and Butthead are the 99%. They also deal in philosophy with the statement by Beavis “Why were we born as us?” Makes you think.

All in all, a killer opening show, and a sign the series hasn’t changed a bit, but is still hilarious.

Werewolves of Highland
Werewolves of Highland
Werewolves of Highland
Werewolves of Highland
Werewolves of Highland
Beavis and Butthead Crying
Beavis and Butthead Crying
Beavis and Butthead Crying
Beavis and Butthead Crying
Beavis and Butthead Crying

NOTE: For these reviews I will be using Butt-Head and Butthead interchangeably, because barely anyone types “Butt-Head” when talking about the show.

Lady in Black Cracks the Gate of Hell (Review)

Lady in Black Cracks the Gate of Hell

aka The Hell’s Gate aka The Black Musketeer (part 3) aka 女黑俠威震地獄門

1966HKMDB Link
Directed by Law Chi

Lady in Black Cracks the Gate of Hell is different than the other two Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa films, because there is less Muk Lan-Fa in it. Sister Muk Sau-Jan takes much of the spotlight for the first half of the film. I don’t know if actress Suet Nei was busy (she had several other films out that year), or if the studio decided it wanted to focus more on Law Oi-Seung and try to make her a bigger star as well. If so, it didn’t quite work, as her film output never reached star levels and she faded away to obscurity, to be only mentioned by guys with websites.

Lady in Black Cracks the Gate of Hell is also different because it looks more low-rent. The scale seems smaller, the plot more confusing, the stakes are less severe, and the villain dies in one of the lamest (but realistic) ways ever. But it’s still some good Jane Bond. And worth tracking down if you’re into this sort of stuff. Once again, the only available formats is unsubtitled vcd or DVD. And as we all know, at TarsTarkas.net, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Muk Lan-Fa (Suet Nei) – Cracking the gates of Hell is child’s play for the Dark Heroine at this point. So let’s give her a real challenge: punching Cerberus through the gates of Hell in one punch. Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa has 24 hours to complete this task.
Muk Sau-Jan (Law Oi-Seung) – Dark Heroine’s sister spends most of the film starring in the film as Dark Heroine is MIA for a huge chunk of it. And then she gets kidnapped again and again and again. It’s crazy!
Ko Cheung (Kenneth Tsang Kong) – Ko Cheung is the cop with the mop. Wait, that makes no sense. And now I’ve screwed up this whole cast bio! Dang it. Move on to the next guy…
Sing Sam Long (Fung Ngai) – The Fat Bad Guy in charge of this latest gang, whose name I didn’t catch because it isn’t in the title nor do they have their own company letterhead. As a mastermind, he’s pretty lame, and he gets foiled rather easily and dies like a jerk. A jerk!

The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang (Review)

The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang

aka The Dark Heroine Mu Lanhua Shattered the Black Dragon Gang aka 女黑俠木蘭花血戰黑龍黨

1966HKMDB Link
Directed by Law Chi
The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang
The Dark Heroine is back, and this time, it’s personal. Okay, maybe it’s not personal, but she’s back and The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang definitely has her shattering a gang of thugs who think they can get away with doing evil stuff, even if she’s doing it in the present tense instead of the past tense. Clearly influenced by James Bond more than the preceding film, the stakes are grander (but less close to home), the external story is streamlined, and there is more even pacing of action.
The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang
Like many of these films, there is a large gang behind an international conspiracy. The evil Black Dragon Gang has matching black turtlenecks with shiny jackets and black pants, because the more evil and conspiractory your gang is, the more they have matching uniforms. The boss has shiny pants, which begins to look ridiculous when he’s donning his pantyhose mask disguise. No one starts dancing and snapping and going on about how when you’re a Black Dragon Gang, you’re a Black Dragon Gang all the way; but I’ll still mention the Jets from West Side Story like I do whenever there is a matching uniform gang. Just to show you how much this gang is into Black Dragon Pride, they have their own gang letterhead for letters!
The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang
When they aren’t threatening the world, the Black Dragon Gang hangs in their secret base complete with wall of supercomputer and many operators. They have a giant dragon painting in the bar part of their lair. One gang member tosses knives at a dummy of a girl in a bikini. It’s like some sort of weird spy frathouse. At one meeting of the Black Dragons, we see they have a secret leader who speaks to them via a head projection from a screen. This secret boss is never revealed at any point, nor is he mentioned in the sequel. Not that we’re going to try and close loose ends here…but we made up a theory that we’ll present at the end of the review. And TarsTarkas.NET declares it canon. Because we can do that. Because we have a cannon.
The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang

Muk Lan-Fa (Suet Nei) – Dark Heroine is darker and more heroine than ever! In the previous film she had a gimmick gun that was a switchblade, this time her gimmick gun has knockout gas like she’s the Green Hornet. But unlike The Green Hornet, her film is good!
Muk Sau-Jan (Law Oi-Seung) – The li’l Dark Heroine is also back as her role of Robin to the Dark Knight. Although more on camera in this film, she does less and doesn’t even get kidnapped!
Ko Cheung (Kenneth Tsang Kong) – Supercop Ko Cheung is also around to be the cop who should be shot dead a thousand times over with all the ridiculous stunts he pulls.
Bald Gang Leader(Lee Ying) – The local leader of the Black Dragon Gang, who often wears an overly-padded suit and a pantyhose mask as a disguise. Despite the fact that disguises nothing and he often is seen by the same people seconds before not wearing the disguise. Lee Ying appeared in at least 130 films, including the greatest film ever made, Fantasy Mission Force!
Eyepatch (David Chow Wing-Kwong) – I never caught this guy’s name, but David Chow Wing-Kwong is in all three Dark Heroine films as a goon (not uncommon), but in this film he loses an eye halfway through, causing him to wear an eyepatch for the rest of the movie. And in the third film, he shows up wearing an eyepatch! Thus, we’ve declared him the same character in all three movies. This is now Dark Heroine canon, as per our cannon pointed at anyone who disagrees. David Chow Wing-Kwong went on to be a very prolific lighting guy.

The Dark Heroine Muk Lan-Fa Shattered the Black Dragon Gang

Rampage getting a movie, no Uwe Boll in sight…

Rampage

THR is reporting that Rampage is being developed into a feature film. This is the Rampage that involves the giant monsters destroying buildings that was frakking awesome, not whatever the heck Uwe Boll did. As New Line Cinema owns Midway, maybe they’ll mine the library for lots of potential movies. John Rickard is developing this, taking time off from the upcoming Jack the Giant Killer release, which somehow became a big budget film coming out 2012.

For those of you keeping track at home, this is Warner Brothers’s third picture involving giant monsters, as Godzilla and Pacific Rim are both being cofinanced by WB while coming out of Legendary Pictures.

Also, we demand nudity as these monsters revert back to human. It’s just required, okay???

George Atari 2600 Rampage

This is how it looked on the Atari 2600!


images ganked from