John Carter of Studio Drama

Some more details of the fallout of John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) and the leaving of Rich Ross as Studio Head at Disney. It seems things are a bit more complicated than him just getting canned over a bomb. Now, this makes some sense, because Disney has had some horrible bombs that have lost lots of money. There had to be some behind the scenes action going on. And thanks to this JimHillMedia article I was sent by @rwmead.

Disney head honcho Bob Iger declares that no one is to point figures over John Carter.

Reading between the lines here, Bob Iger was trying to help John Lasseter’s very good friend Andrew Stanton save face. So Stanton’s initial attempt at making a live-action feature film had misfired. Big deal. The Walt Disney Company still considered Stanton to be a very valuable creative asset. Which — given that the two animated features that Andrew had directed for Pixar Animation Studios, 2003’s “Finding Nemo” and 2008’s “WALL-E” had a combined worldwide box office total of $1.388 billion (Not to mention the hundreds of million of dollars more that the Company has made off of plush, toys, ice shows and theme park attractions with direct ties to these Pixar characters) — was perfectly understandable.

Which was why the Company was doing everything within its power to spare Stanton any unnecessary embarrassment.

Things seemed good and Rich Ross was playing ball, but it looks like his team didn’t get the memo:

Well, Rich’s loyal staffers may have been looking to distance their boss from “John Carter” disappointing box office number. But Bob Iger and his team on the sixth floor of the Team Disney – Burbank Building – supposedly saw this situation entirely differently. They felt that Ross placing his own need to protect & preserve his professional reputation ahead of the Company’s needs, potentially damaging the Studio’s working relationship with Pixar senior management was an extremely poor choice. Which is why a decision was made at that time to speed exit Rich’s exit from The Walt Disney Company.

So Ross’s team might be the reason he got the axe. Which actually sort of sucks, but it also shows how valuable they see Stanton. If Stanton gives Disney another gigantic animated film or two, he might have enough clout to make another John Carter flick…if studio politics haven’t changed by then.

JOHN CARTER Lynn Collins Dejah Thoris

Here is a giant photo of Lynn Collins, because, why not?

Someone is finally suing over one of those porn parodies

Though this is almost certainly allowed under free speech, the various porn parody films that have come out recently have been skirting closer and closer to the line. Everyone has been wondering for years when they’ll finally get someone to go after them, and it looks like the group that controls the rights to the Three Stooges has nothing better to do than to file lawsuits. The explosion of porn parody films in recent years has been a boon for people like me who love hearing about crazy stuff. Some of them are darnright clever. The Star Trek one was basically Space Seed done in porn style, complete with costumes and bad impressions. The trailer for the TNG one looked even more like an actual episode of the show, which is what it was designed to look like. The Captain America porno is set up as a sequel to the film (where Sarah Palin(!) teams up with Red Skull who runs for president (!!)) I believe the Avatar one is also set up as a sequel, but it’s been too long since I’ve seen the trailer. The Batman film captured the style of the 1960s tv series. Even cartoons like The Simpsons and Family Guy have live-action porn parodies. Mork and Mindy, Glee, Brady Bunch, The Big Bang Theory, Three’s Company, and even Tosh.0 have their own porn parodies. Most of them just have names like Not the Brady Bunch XXX or something similar. And it’s one of those, Not the Three Stooges XXX, that has drawn the ire of C3 Entertainment, who owns the rights to the Three Stooges IP. So we might have a giant porn lawsuit! Expect the porno version of the porn lawsuit in 2013…

(That link also has an LOL lawsuit from Louis Vitton, which is suing the makers of The Hangover 2 because a character mentioned their brand…even if he did so mispronouncing it and no actual Louis Vitton bag was shown! Granted, The Hangover 2 sucked, but if we can’t get our rental money back, Louis Vitton should get nothing!)

Three Stooges

He's so naked you can see his bones! Rule 34 lives...

The Blonde Hair Monster (Review)

The Blonde Hair Monster

aka 黃毛怪人 aka Yellow Giant

1962
Written and Directed by Wong Fung

The Blonde Hair Monster is a story from the pulp series Wong Ang the Flying Heroine Bandit. These tales originated in 1940’s Shanghai from intelligence worker Siu Ping (aka Xiao Ping), who used his stories to speak out against the social and economic injustices of the time, creating a hero to fight for the people. Siu Ping fled to Hong Kong as the Chinese Civil War intensified and the Communists declared victory. The Wong Ang character spoke to the citizens of Hong Kong just as she had to the citizens of Shanghai, and became big sellers in the 1950s. Wong Ang is a play on the word for Oriole, and thus is known as Oriole in several title translations.

Wong Ang fits the profile of the virtuous female fighter character. While not being a nuxia (swordswoman), she is set in modern day and works with modern tools to take on modern problems. The rich and the powerful who think they can get away with crimes meet their matches, and the innocent and forgotten find the justice they need in their lives.

Wong Ang’s popularity made it a natural that she would appear on the screen, with the first entries appearing in 1957 or 1958. The first known film was Shaw’s Oriole, the Heroine (also known as Miss Nightingale, the Flying Fencer), which starred Pearl Au Kar-wai as Wong Ang and Fanny Fan and Chiang Feng as her sidekicks. There is some uncertainty to the exact release date. Beginning in 1959, Yu So-Chow played her in a series of films, four featuring veteran female action star Wu Lizhu and Yam Yin as her two sidekicks. 1959 gave us How Oriole the Heroine Solved the Case of the Three Dead Bodies and How Oriole the Heroine Caught the Murderer. 1960 was the Year of the Oriole with four films: House No. 13, Apartment Murder, Miss Cranery Vs. the Flying Tigers, and The Story of Wong-Un the Heroine. The Breakthrough was released in 1961. The Blonde Hair Monster is the last of the Yu So-Chow Wong Ang films (and the last Wong Ang film period, unless you count Michele Yeoh’s Silverhawk!), though by now the focus had begun to shift to Connie Chan, who plays one of her sidekicks. Thanks to DurianDave from SoftFilm for his work compiling the list of films above.

My favorite part of Blonde Hair Monster is how the vcd is missing an entire reel of the film! Luckily for me, I tracked down a guy on YouTube who uploaded the middle chunk of a TVB broadcast of the film for some reason, and that middle chunk has the missing reel! That’s also why some of the screencaps look different. TarsTarkas.NET goes the extra mile to give you the review you deserve, because we care, when we’re not being lazy! What is even more weird is the TVB broadcast is also missing pieces that the vcd had. So I’ve put together an extended edition of The Blonde Hair Monster that just might be the most complete copy of the film in the world. And yet there still is no title card…

Because this film is obscure as frak and I had to composite it together, this review will be detailed and long. So, sorry if you aren’t into that sort of thing, but bully if you are! And for more, much more on the Jane Bond films that this is a prototype of, listen to the Jane Bond Infernal Brains Podcast!

Wong Ngan (Yu So-Chau) – The champion of the people and solver of mysteries. Wong Ngan the Oriole fights for justice, and for just being there when stuff goes down. She and her girls will solve any mystery that comes along and won’t take any crap while doing so, though Wong Ngan is more likely to dispense with the villains with a polite smile than her sidekicks.
Heung Ngan (Connie Chan Po-Chu) – Wong Ngan’s younger sidekick, who is sassy and tough, and not afraid to fight a gigantic yellow-haired monster on occasion. Or a lady in a skeleton costume. Or a jerk homeowner keeping her from having a banana. The film is well aware Connie Chan will be the cat’s meow in another year or two, and makes sure to keep her on screen.
Wu Nga (Chan Hiu-Kau) – Wong Ngan’s other sidekick, who wears a K on her jacket (for Krazy!) She’s more reserved than Heung Ngan, but isn’t afraid to kick some butt if need be.
Inspector To (Walter Tso Tat-Wah) – Walter Tso shows up as his Inspector character that he played from time to time when not starring in a period piece. It’s a good thing Inspector To let these women wander around and solve his case for him, because he’s wrong on just about everything until Wong Nang politely explains what happened.
Cheung Yan-Lei (Sek Kin) – The framed younger brother of Cheung Yan-Chuen who spent years in jail and recently escaped. He’s plotting revenge, but a jerk like Cheung Yan-Chuen has so many enemies Yan-Lei is going to have to get in line.
Cheung Yan-Chuen (Ling Mung) – The evil brother who framed his brother for murder and screwed over a lot of people in his life. A list of his enemies would just be a copy of the phone book (Cheung Yan-Chuen wouldn’t be there, as he’d have an unlisted telephone number just to be away from everyone else!) Learns why you should never turn your back on your enemies, especially the ones with knives.
Cheung Kai-Ting (Cheung Ying-Tsoi) – Son of Cheung Yan-Chuen who now has to deal with his idiot father’s enemies coming to cause problems. You think you have dad problems.
Yau Tin Lung (Lam Liu-Ngok) – The servent to Cheung Yan-Chuen who is listed here because she’s a major character with a secret. And just ignore the fact there is a mystery character who is obviously female…
Sifu (Lok Gung) – A one-eyed sorcerer who helps Cheung Yan-Lei after his escape from jail and just happens to have a giant manservant and an orangutan on hand in his lab. So did Cheung Yan-Lei escape from jail into a pulp novel? You’d be surprised, because this film is based on a pulp novel!
Blonde Hair Monster (Siu Gam) – Was originally Sifu’s servant Mo Mo before a horrible accident and the addition of orangutan blood turned him into the fearful Blonde Hair Monster! Is that blonde hair real? Only his hairdresser knows for sure!
Ghost Lady (It is a mystery!) – Who could this mysterious ghost lady be? And why is she wearing a skeleton head when she is a ghost?

Dirty Blondes 2

Dirty Blondes 2


2006
Directed by Francis Locke

Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…

Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.

Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:

The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!

Tina (Nicole Oring) –Tina is an archeology student who is very lucky at finding amazing discoveries lying in plain sight. Can she find something amazing by the end of the film, in between her constant getting naked? Find out! Nicole Oring is a model and softcore star (including Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies and Bare-Skinned New Girls’ Scary Bondage Surprise!), but also was in Single White Female 2: The Psycho!
Professor Rich (Ben Campezi) – Professor running the new dig for the ancient dong. He has the diary from the first film, which you would think would be in a museum or something. Someone call Indiana Jones to punch this guy until it hits a museum! is an adult film star who usually works in male on male cinema, he’s handled more hogs than a pig farmer in such films as Musclemen Moving Company Inc, Oiled Up Hunks, and Straight Jocks Confess
Lisa (Xara Diaz) – Lisa is one of Professor Rish’s students, and instead of digging she just wears the artifacts! Except for when Rich takes them off to have sex with her. Xara Diaz is an adult actress who has handled more packages than UPS in such fine films as We Were Tied Up and She Was Naked!, Sexz Latinas, and Finger Licking Good.
Guy at Basecamp A (Dino Bravo) – This guy doesn’t even get a name, and he spends most of his time staring at Tina, except for when he’s having sex with Tina. Dino Bravo is an adult star (who ganked his name from a wrestler!) that’s given more rides than one of the coin operated kiddie machines outside a grocery store in such films as Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story, Boning Bonita Chicas, and Not Married with Children XXX
La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la

John Carter of Studio Head Slayer

John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) has killed again, this time the victim was Walt Disney Studios Chairman Rich Ross’s job! Sure, Ross has overseen lots of billion dollar properties, but John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) needs someone to blame, and it sure ain’t going to be everyone! Ross has been chosen as the scapegoat. He joined as Chairman in October 2009, previously working on the Disney Channel and helping turn that channel into a goldmine of big money brands. John Carter was such a mess there will probably be books and books dedicated to what went wrong and where the $200 million loss came from. And while those books are being written, we are living in history. It would be cool if the John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) film tore through Disney slaying executives and underlings alike much like how John Carter carved his way through armies of Tharks, but that’s probably wishful thinking.

I’m sure it’s totally not suspicious that he’s resigning just days before The Avengers makes Disney a gazillion dollars. You know, a film that was actually marketed and not renamed “Steve Rogers”

Ross’s resignation letter:

For the last 15 years, I have had the opportunity to work with incredibly talented people on behalf of the world’s best loved brand. During that time, we’ve told some amazing stories around the world, created successful TV programming, movies, and franchises that generated new opportunities for the company in the process.

I’ve always said our success is created and driven by our people – whom I consider to be the absolute best in the business. But, the best people need to be in the right jobs, in roles they are passionate about, doing work that leverages the full range of their abilities. It’s one of the leadership lessons I’ve learned during my career, and it’s something I’ve been giving a great deal of thought to as I look at the challenges and opportunities ahead.

I believe in this extraordinary Walt Disney Studios team, and I believe in our strong slate of films and our ability to make and market them better than anyone else. But, I no longer believe the Chairman role is the right professional fit for me. For that reason, I have made the very difficult decision to step down as Chairman of The Walt Disney Studios, effective today.

It has been my honor to work with such incredible teams – at Disney Channels Worldwide and The Walt Disney Studios and the many other Disney businesses I’ve had the opportunity to collaborate with. I know I leave the Studios in good hands and, even on separate paths, I am confident we are all destined for continued success.

-Rich

Rich Ross
Picture ganked from here

Dirty Blondes

Dirty Blondes (Review)

Dirty Blondes


2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here.
Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1.
Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill
April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution.
Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless.
Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx.
Joe Torrence (???) – Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.