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InMovie News

Amazon.com will destroy film like it destroyed your local book store!

June 8, 2012By

Be afraid! Be very afraid! These upcoming films from Amazon Studios, the movie making wing of Amazon.com, are toxic waste in movie form! And while Dr. Romano was eventually hit by a car and turned into goo, there is no escape for us. Join me on a journey into the depths of awfulness, as we explore the initial offerings from Amazon Studios and predict just how terrible they’re going to be (HINT: they will be very terrible!)

But first, what is Amazon Studios? It’s a crowdsourced movie studio where you, the public, submits your ideas and scripts and concept videos. And then you, the public, vote for the best ideas, which them move towards Amazon Studios putting actual money behind the project and turning them into films. As you can imagine from the crowdsourcing model, most of the ideas are ridiculous. There are plenty of super heroes, weird horror, and zombies running around in the proposals. An occasional actual story shows up, but not often. And many of the proposals bear a striking resemblance to actual properties from the 80s and 90s, almost as if they are wholesale ripoffs. But that could never happen…

By now you’ve probably heard the first Amazon Studios flick to reach a production deal and get a real director is Zombies vs Gladiators (or as it’s known on Amazon Studios: ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators) But did you know that was only the third most popular film proposal via the voting system? Let’s see the other 15 films fast-tracked for filming:

I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Comedy, Action and Adventure)
After receiving a series of panicked messages from a girl he’s been Facebook-stalking, but never met, a meek agoraphobe wrangles his closest internet friends and journeys into the real world to find her, but ends up involved in much more.

This is the most popular film proposal at the moment, internet stalker nerds hunting down hot girls in real life. Yep. Can you guess why they went with the zombie film?

For Sale By Superhero
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Action and Adventure, Kids and Family)
An out of work father discovers a super secret headquarters of a Dark Knight type Vigilante in the basement of his new home and decides to strap on a utility belt and use the crimefighters amazing gadgets to be the super hero his family needs.

This seems like it might be a decent kid’s film on Disney Channel, but knowing the internet they probably want this to be all gritty. And great grammatical error on your movie proposal.

Everything else is less popular than a film where gladiators fight zombies.

12 Princesses
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Comedy, Kids and Family)
A young farmboy tries to discover the secret of how 12 beautiful princesses escape each night from the imprisonment of their mad father

This is probably the most interesting of the fantasy proposals, but again it sounds like a kid’s movie.

Touching Blue
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Science Fiction and Fantasy)
A teenage girl with the power to track people by things they held – and who gets burned if people touch her – is pulled into the hunt for a serial killer who is targeting people like her.

So basically a girl from Heroes vs. Sylar.

The Alchemist Agenda
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Action and Adventure)
When nautical treasure hunters discover an unidentified U-boat, it spawns an international pursuit to unlock the mysteries buried inside.

It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Ocean! Okay, it sounds like Into the Blue 3, except the goofy title makes it sound like it should be a Clive Cussler book (and the plot might just be, I’m not up on Clive Cussler fiction)

Original Soldiers
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Science Fiction and Fantasy, Action and Adventure)
When a new attack ship disables America’s all-droid army in 2035, two veterans who have stuck to the old ways must save the day one last time. This Open Writing Assignment will pay up to $75,000. The pitch submission deadline has passed.

Gun nuts save America and those sissy libs!

Origin Of A Species
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense)
An ex-cop faces the greatest obstacle of his life after his three German Shepherds are infected with rabies and terrorize a small, Midwestern community. His estranged wife feeds her sexual desire for one of her students, even as fear grips the town and the body count rises.

It’s Cujo times three from a writer who thinks getting rabies turns you into a new species.

Children of Others
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Science Fiction and Fantasy)
Skylar is thrilled to finally be pregnant— until she discovers her unborn baby is not entirely human. Pursued by a government agents, she races to discover whether the child she carries is the first wave of an alien invasion or the key to humanity’s salvation.

Is it a prequel to Village of the Damned or a prequel to The Bible? Find out in the shocking final act!

Codex
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Action and Adventure)
A graduate student of religious studies attempts to unlock the secrets encoded within the oldest manuscript of the Old Testament and finds himself on the run from a dangerous secret society looking to secure the secret for their own dark goals.

Someone call Dan Brown’s lawyer to let him know the idea he stole is getting stolen!

GIDEON’S LAW
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Action and Adventure)
A disgraced young cop is assigned a routine civilian ride-along and quickly learns that his passenger is not what he seems and he has just entered into a brutal battle with a killer who will stop at nothing to achieve his goal.

What if…in Training Day…Denzel wasn’t a cop, just crazy!

Romeo, Juliet, & Rosaline
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Comedy, Drama)
Before Romeo ever met Juliet, he was madly in love with Rosaline. This is the story of Rosaline, a brash and sexually adventurous girl before girls could be brash and sexual.

This makes sense until you realize Romeo and Juliet were like 12, then it’s creepy.

WizardsQuest: The Princess Queen
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Science Fiction and Fantasy, Comedy)
When a princess from their favorite role playing game appears in Chicago, it’s up to Ronnie, a gaming nerd in search of adventure, and his nerdy friends to rescue her and save the world.

This would have been a cool movie in 1986. Now it’s just sad.

The Detourist
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Action and Adventure, Kids and Family)
On a Hawaiian dream vacation, a down-on-his-luck dad discovers his rented van was the getaway car for a recent heist and the GPS holds the digital breadcrumbs to recovering the stolen treasure and sets out on an adventure while trying to keep his dysfunctional family happy.

I’m glad a real dad would endanger his family like this!

Blackburn Burrow
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Horror, Action and Adventure)
Just before the Civil War engulfs the South, a nameless man with a mysterious past fights to save a young girl from the supernatural horrors infesting a small Appalachian town in Northern Georgia.

This is the plot of Mutant set 100 years earlier!

Animal Heads
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Drama)
In a dead end town lives LEO, a 17-year-old pothead BMX wizard whose elder brother died under mysterious circumstances after a fight for water during a drought. Leo’s life gets disrupted when a creepy animal smuggler and suspect in his brother’s death comes back to town.

Give it a quirky indie soundtrack and a budget of $500,000 and this is coming to a Sundance near you!

Okay, a few of those were all right, but most of them were just awful sounding. But let’s see what isn’t making the grade…yet! But they are on the Consider pile, which means soon enough they’ll be gumming up your NetFlix streams…

America’s Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String
Consider
(Comedy, Action and Adventure)
Before James Bond, there was Benjamin Franklin: inventor, philanthropist, and the single largest exporter of kicking British ass. Using his array of inventions and weapons, Franklin is a one-man army thirsty for Redcoat blood, especially when he’s wrongly accused of treason.

Someone read Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and said “Oh, yeah???”

Roadtrip Sex Party
Consider
(Comedy)
For three best friends and recent college graduates, finding tickets to the Super Bowl was the easy part. Getting there is the hard part.

How can it be a cool college sex movie if they’re already out of college?

Pack Behavior
Consider
(Horror, Action and Adventure)
When a disgraced social worker with a heroin problem stumbles upon a group of homeless teens, she finds out they are actually a pack of vicious wolves who will gladly kill her to keep their pack intact.

What happens when your Vampire: The Masquerade roleplaying goes too far!

Loved Ones
Consider
(Drama)
A lonely young girl who sells Polaroids of herself through ads. An alcoholic haunted by the sins of her past. And a cynical 17-year old searching for the answer to one burning question. Together each of these women will learn what it means to truly love.

I had to post this one because of the weird line about selling Polaroids of herself through ads. Is this a period piece?

Steel Country
Consider
(Thriller and Suspense, Drama)
When a young boy turns up dead in a sleepy Western Pennsylvania town, a local sanitation truck driver stricken with Asperger syndrome plays detective, embarking on a precarious and obsessed investigation to prove the boy was murdered.

No one cares about your Aspergers.

The rest of these are just from the leaderboard, the rankings change, but if they get voted high enough by you, the Amazon Studios Public, they’ll move to Consider ranking!

X MARKS THE SPOT , Brian’s Project
A disgraced NASA scientist is hired by a mysterious woman to help find a treasure rumored to be left behind by aliens 3500 years ago.

That treasure was Noah’s Ark!

3 1/2 Minutes, Blyth’s Project
When a cop discovers his comatose son’s soul has been taken by dead serial killer, he is forced to medically kill himself for 3 1/2 Minutes at a time to chase the killer in the underworld.

If this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s part of the plot of The Frighteners!

THE GATES , Brian’s Project
Based on the published comic book series, GHOSTHUNTERS. Scientists unwittingly open a portal to the Afterlife. When one man is lost through the Gates, a rescue expedition is mounted to bring him back from the land of the dead.

Please make my comic book into a movie!

I KNOW HE’S IN THERE, Ira’s Project
A nursery school teacher gets spooked by a boy in her class into whom she believes the soul of her dead, philandering husband has been reincarnated.

Mary Kay Letourneau: The Movie!

Date of Death, tim’s Project
In the year 2029 an American scientist found a way to know the day people will die. In the year 2049 Josh decides to go on one last trip before he dies. He meets Stormie who is suppose to die, but when she doesn’t they are caught in the middle of a conspiracy.

Dude, don’t name your lead female after the stripper you like…

From 5 till Closing, Jentry’s Project
Set in the world behind the counter of a small town theater, five teenagers work a crazy closing shift; filled with secretive managers, ex-girlfriends, and unruly customers.

Clerks in a Theater!

Voting Vertigo, Xander’s Project
In 2016, a high school American History teacher can’t compete with Chronovision HD, a new channel that actually shows the past. When past ‘truth’ seems vastly revised and manipulated, the teacher’s dilemma thrusts him into our political system on unreal overdrive.

This might be cool, especially with unreal overdrive. It will be the unrealist overdrive of them all!

COMIC HEROES, Bruce’s Project
When three teenagers discover that the friendly owner of their local comic book store is creating super-villains with magic ink, the kids steal some of the ink and turn themselves into superheroes to thwart his sinister plans.

This project was removed…because it’s the plot of BIG BAD BEETLEBORGS!!!

But I’m sure you can get your Power Rangers Zombies proposal approved in no time, from Amazon.com! Submit something today!

Amazon Money

The piles of your cash Amazon will get with all these great films!

InMovie News

Don't step on my Enduring Destiny!

June 7, 2012By

Enduring Destiny

I’ll start out with the synopsis and go from there. But if you’re having trouble reading, there is an awesome official song embedded below that will give you an example of Enduring Destiny.

“Enduring Destiny” is the fascinating story of “Max Kenner” (Thomas Reilly-King) who is a scholarship wrestler and aspiring C.I.A. agent. He has traveled from his suburban California home and his high school sweetheart, “Jessica Bateman” (Ariel Vida) to a bitter cold semester at Michigan State University. There unfolds a gripping, coming-of-age journey into the glory days of youth and timeless memories. Personalities intermingle in a mix of triumphs, romance, comedy, mishaps, and downright misery. Once a squeaky clean, slightly cocky guy of privilege and self determination, he is thrust into a humbling life of physical dependence after tragedy strikes. As a cripple in a wheelchair, Max’s masculinity becomes challenged by his reliance on others. Jealously and ulterior motives surface through a landscape filled with fast paced fraternity parties and superficiality galore. Also starring: Shae Valko as nerdy roommate, “Bernard Feinstein”; Nick Zott as Max’s fraternity big brother, “Jake Conway”; and Zack Stewart as the wrestling team bully, “Sid Butcher.” There is also Russ “Rusty” Jameson and the one and only Mr. Bill Vincent (“Army of Darkness,” “The Evil Dead”). “Enduring Destiny” is a deconstruction into a status-driven ego of crippling proportions. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll witness one young man’s fire burning deep inside!

This is a real film that has been in development since 2009. They’re almost done, and will be sending it to film festivals. I know what you’re thinking: “Tars, this sounds good, but I really want to buy 18″ talking action figures of the main characters of Enduring Destiny!” Well, the filmmakers got you covered, because they are making 18″ talking action figures of the main characters of Enduring Destiny!

All the buzz, excitement, and Official Movie Trailer coming soon with a release of 18″ talking action figures of the film’s characters.

(Tars note: I have been informed these 18″ talking action figures of the main characters of Enduring Destiny cost $5000 to produce! And the total budget for Enduring Destiny is around $8000!)

The Official Song of Enduring Destiny!

“Enduring Destiny” Theme Song written and produced by Thomas Reilly-King
Composed and Performed by Chris Howe
Edited by Thomas Reilly-King
Guitar by Keith Billik

Are you not happy? Of course you aren’t! You don’t want me to step on your breaks! You want more! I know what you want! I know what you need! You want a documentary about the making of Enduring Destiny! Well, prepare to be dazzled, because there IS a documentary about the making of Enduring Destiny! Check out the trailer for that:

“First Feature” Trailer (2012) – Collaborative Works by Thomas Reilly-King
Documentary by Curtis Matzke and Ben Sherman.

“First Feature” Trailer (2012) – Collaborative Works from Thomas Reilly-King on Vimeo.

This is a very personal production for Thomas Reilly-King, as can be seen by the many times his name shows up on the credits. He’s spent the past three years of his life working on this film. I can say that it will probably be memorable. That’s probably all I can say at this point until we get a trailer to go with the song and documentary footage. There is a trailer up, but it’s just 30 seconds of “COMING SOON!” flashing so rapidly it will induce you into a billion seizures in no time:

The world premier of Enduring Destiny will be December 21st at the Kellogg Hotel and Conference Center. Be there, or endure some bad destiny!

If you still can’t get enough of Thomas Reilly-King or want to get your own copy of Enduring Destiny, hop on over to TRKProductions.com and maybe he’ll have the film for sale in a few months! And don’t forget to check out his other shorts. You’ll be glad if you do.

InBad, Movie Reviews

Sword of Emei (Review)

June 7, 2012By

Sword of Emei

aka 峨嵋霸刀 aka E Mei ba dao

1969
Written by Wan Hoi-Ching and Ling Hon
Directed by Chan Lit-Ban

A Cantonese swordplay flick featuring a masked heroine, plenty of swordplay, piles of bodies, and one of the fastest paces I’ve seen in a Cantonese language feature from this time. Sword of Emei was a great surprise and a highly recommended action film. By 1969, the rails were starting to come off of the Hong Kong film insdustry, as pressure from the far superior Shaw Studios was making the local productions look like child plays. One way the industry tried to take up the slack was to push for some more adultish wuxia flicks, thus what would have probably been a slower female sworswoman (nuxia) film with a lot of gabbing in 1966 suddenly is a fast-paced action bonanza focused on one of the hot female leads of the time. And while it isn’t one of the Jane Bond flicks of the era, it does feature some of the plot tropes transplanted back to older China, along with the standard wuxia ideas like super swords and being noble bandits.

The main reason why this is so enjoyable is the pacing, so let’s give a hooray to action directors Han Ying-Chieh and Leung Siu-Chung for coming up with modern action film pacing 40 years ago! Sure, with the vast amount of action going on vs the probably minuscule shooting schedule, the action isn’t complex, and most characters get killed in a slash or two, but there is a ton of it and it makes up for the complex swordfighting that was still in its infancy at the time.

Sword of Emei was originally filmed in color, but the only released version I could find was a black and white vcd with a beat up print and burnt in subs (subtitles are rare on a lot of these films, so I’ll take what I can get!) thus explaining these blurry, blown up screencaps I have for you. According to the cast listings, there is an attempt to give some cross-national appeal with Mitr Chaibancha! Except I couldn’t spot him and didn’t even know he was supposed to be in this film until after it was over. Oops! Sammo Hung Kam-Bo is also somewhere among the many men slaughtered, but with all the carnage, he could be Guard #3 or Guard #343! So instead, let’s focus on the cast we know:

Masked Mau (Josephine Siao Fong-Fong) – Masked Mau is also called Masked Hero in the subtitles. She’s the mysterious thief giving people fits and also dispensing justice from the end of a blade…a Chin Fang Sword blade, which is like the best sword blade ever! No one knows who she is or that’s she’s even a she! Who could she be…
Lo Fang-ying (Josephine Siao Fong-Fong) – orphan raised by relatives who own an inn. Her Uncle Ma taught her to hunt, shoot, and swordfight, which she totally doesn’t use as skills when dressed up as a masked thief who goes all Robin Hood on villains. Nope!
Au King (Kenneth Tsang Kong) – Mystery swords guy who comes into town just in time to catch Masked Mau, but he actually falls for her and Lo Fang-ying, which we knew would happen because he’s the only available guy in the film who isn’t instantly killed!
Lord Chao Pai-tien (Sek Kin) – Jerk who acts like a jerk because his brother-in-law is the evil emperor. Terrorizes the land and the people, and totally hits on all the young ladies. But don’t tell him he does that, because he hates facts as well.
Uncle Ma (Ling Mung) – Fang-ying’s uncle who has raised her since her parents were murdered by Lord Chao. Taught her the fighting skills she uses to slaughter hundreds of people.
Aunt Ma (Yung Yuk-Yi) – Fang-ying’s aunt who isn’t too keen on all this heroine business until she decides to pick up a sword and kill people as well. And she’s good at it. Which means she had combat training also and probably killed lots of dudes…
Hsiao Lan (Sum Chi-Wah) – Constantly endangered girl who made the mistake of being attractive in an area where Lord Chao wants all hot babes chained to his bed. Wears a hairstyle that looks like she’s sporting a mickey mouse hat at certain angles.

InSite News

Mr. Bean hits Indonesia for Mr. Bean Kesurupan Depe!

June 6, 2012By

Shockingly enough, this looks like it is either true, or producer KK Dheeraj has been pulling off one of the most elaborate hoaxes ever since March. I first saw the poster pop up on Twitch with their obvious confusion as to what is going on. But Mr Bean Kesurupan Depe (Mr Bean Possessed by Depe) appears to be real. Rowan Atkinson plays a pocong (those ghosts that wear sheets), while Depe (the nickname for actress Dewi Perssik) will be a catwoman-type character. Though Mr. Bean is in the title and the poster shows the Mr. Bean teddy bear, there is no way of knowing if this is an official Mr. Bean film (though I doubt it) or if Atkinson is just playing a Mr. Bean type character who also happens to be a ghost.

Beritasatu.com has been reporting on this since at least March, and has a very tiny photo of the two in costume (both dressed as pocongs) Depe also took tot he streets dressed as Catwoman on a motorcycle with a fake Mr. Bean pocong being dragged behind her. Yes, this actually happened somewhere.

Very little else about this film is available at this time. But we’ll keep you posted, because this is awesome.
Mr Bean Kesurupan Depe
Mr Bean Kesurupan Depe
Depe Catwoman
Mr Bean Kesurupan Depe
Sources:
Beritasatu.com
TopNewsPost
JakartaPost
Twitch
K2KProduction
OkeZone

UPDATE: This turns out might not be Rowan Atkinson after all! Twitch user soimah has linked to posts on this Indonesian forum showing a picture of a guy dressed up as Mr. Bean that is decidedly NOT Rowan Atkinson. The posts on the forum have a weak argument back and forth as to if it is a hoax, though the general consensus seems to think it is. This means that KK Dheeraj managed to get actual hoax press articles published over months to build up interest in this film. It’s also bad for me, because I now have to apologize. I’m sorry I got anyone’s hopes up that this was real. Maybe there is a miracle and it is, but it’s probably not. It will still be crazy insane, though!

Fake Rowan Atkinson Indonesia

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

InMovie News

Zombies vs Gladiators will Amazon.con you out of money!

June 5, 2012By

It’s not every day that I dismiss a film based on the title alone (only most days, as there are occasionally days where nothing with a bad title is announced!) but I’m going to dismiss this one anyway because it’s called Zombies vs Gladiators. Sure, Clive Barker got hired to direct and rewrite what is undoubtedly an awful script, but seriously. That title. No. Add to the fact Zombies vs Gladiators is one of 16 films upcoming from Amazon.com’s new movie division, and I’m out. Zombies are overplayed enough, I don’t need zombies meet Rome. The plot is about a shaman in the arena who casts a zombie spell before he dies, thus some gladiators have to kill zombie hordes. No word on if Zombie Caligula will show up and be less repulsive as a zombie.

Zombie Pumpkin

Also coming from Amazon.com - Zombie Pumpkins!

Via deadline
Zombie Pumpkin from etsy

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dirty Blondes From Beyond (Review)

June 4, 2012By

Dirty Blondes From Beyond


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

How to sum Dirty Blondes From Beyond up in one picture

With a lot more special effects than I thought they’d bring, Dirty Blondes from Beyond rockets the Bikini films closer to epic space opera status while still providing plenty of softcore situations. 2012 is also a banner year for the bikini flicks because some of the old school crew has returned, Evan Stone and Voodoo! And there is plenty of new talent on display, plenty of goofy, scifi, sexy adventures, and plenty of heavy breathing.

Bikinistar Galactica!

Dirty Blondes from Beyond follows the tradition of taking a genre film plot and turning it into a softcore erotic parody. Featuring two alien girls on the run, they wind up on planet Earth, where strange creatures called tripods exist. As there are no men on their planet, you can guess what the tripods they constantly refer to are. There are several other jokes that are pretty good, including secret government agents named Smith and Jones (along with their own name running gag!) There is no connection to Dirty Blondes or Dirty Blondes 2 despite the similar name (because this is a completely different production company!), so any hope of seeing that franchise in space is dashed. Not that we need more installments of those borefests. Dirty Blondes From Beyond does a great job of blowing them out of the water.

Who set up this candelabra so it would drip wax all over the shelf??

As usual, let’s get this Cinemax Skinemax event bagged and tagged! On with the Roll Call…

Stand by for our rap song about Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) – The good Princess of Byfrexia, whose planet is invaded in a diabolical plot to turn the Princess into a sex slave. She flees in order to save her people.
Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) – Empress of the Vulvians, who orchestrates the mysterious storms on and subsequent invasion of Byfrexia just to get a hold of the Princess for her own pleasures. Is very spoiled, and refuses to take no for an answer.
Vema (Jazy Berlin) – Loyal bodyguard of the Princess, who manufactures her escape and gets her to Earth. Also protects the Princess from the native tripods, at least until the Princess decides she wants to do her own inspection.
Commander Tharis (Erika Jordan) – Loyal servant of Empress Krell, and her lover. Is jealous of the attention and obsession the Empress has for the Princess, but will follow her orders. Has a pet haliganon.
Agent Jones (Jenna Presley) – Government agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Is partnered with Agent Smith. A no nonsense type of woman, unless she’s affected by sexy radiation!
Agent Smith (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Government Agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Has the hots for his partner, Agent Jones. Believes drunk rednecks more than he should, but ends up being proved right. Voodoo is back and now going as Alex Boisvert instead of Alexandre. Sadly, this is the first time I’ve seen him in one of these films in years and he’s acting all stiff. Though that’s due to his character here, I bet he’s 100% back in the other films shot at the same time.
Jock (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone returns as well, doing a redneck character who lives in the middle of nowhere that the two spacegirls land at. He teaches them all about being a tripod, but is often immobilized by the girls.
Will (Eric Masterson) – A UFO nut who gets involved in the mess. With his skills, he should be hired by Agent Smith and Jones’ boss immediately.
Mark Grabowsky (Michael Gaglio) – The lovable drunk guy that is the witness to the UFO. His perpetually broken car is named Bessie.
The iconic visual poetry of Dirty Blondes From Beyond!
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