Joss Whedon to write and direct Avengers 2!

Huzzah! Screw the haters, Avengers was almost gold, and it’s great Whedon has been announced as writing and directing the sequel. The Walt Disney Investors Conference Call announced it a little bit ago, and also announced Whedon will create the Marvel TV series for ABC. This is breaking all over Twitter so the source appears to be Marc Graser as the first announcer. The announcement came while Disney was releasing their 3rd Quarter profits information to the investors. Who will be Avenged this time? Will Nick Fury lose his other eye? Find out in The Avengers 2, many many years from now!

The Avengers

If it's Avengers 2, why are there three of us?

Upcoming SyFy original movies Boogeyman and Haunted High

SyFy (aka SciFi Channel for us purists!) is continuing the non-stop stream of creature features. Coming August 11th is Boogeyman, where some kids free the Boogeyman and he goes on a killer rampages. Notably, the Boogeyman is depicted as dating from the time of the Book of Genesis. Eddie McClintock plays the sheriff who’s got to bring him down. Emma Samms also stars. No word yet on if the Boogeyman will be as creepy as when he was on the Real Ghostbusters cartoon.

August 25 gives us Haunted High, which sadly is not about ghosts doing pot, but a bunch of kids trapped in a high school being killed by the ghost of an ex-principal. Danny Trejo, Charisma Carpenter and M.C. Gainey star.

via DreadCentral

Boogeyman Real Ghostbusters

Ghosts are afraid of ME!!

The Legend of Mother Goddess (Review)

The Legend of Mother Goddess

aka 天后 aka Tian Hou Chuan aka 天后傅 aka 媽祖收妖

1975
Written and directed by Hou Cheng

The Legend of Mother Goddess is a biopic of the religious figure Mazu (aka Matsu/妈祖), known as the Goddess of the Sea. To make things more interesting, the producers threw in a bunch of giant monsters and fantasy elements, thus giving the film legs in the Western cult movie circuit. Worship of Mazu began over 1000 years ago and there are temples all over the world. Find one today! Legend of Mother Goddess even tells the tale of how Mazu got her two guardian guys.

The first tape I got had Korean subs written over the Chinese/English subs, and thanks to a second generation vhs transfer, the English subs were hard to read. Thus…the names might not be right. Who to blame? Obviously, the person to blame is President Taft. That fat bastard! Luckily I later got a better copy with good subtitles, so although it looks way better, I can’t use my cool “We don’t need no stinking subs” tag. Woe is me…

If you wish to learn more about Taiwanese Kaiju, there is a two part Infernal Brains podcast on the subject, here and here.

Lam Mak-Leung (Chia Ling) – aka Goddess Matsu aka Mother Goddess gets a magic book that cures sick people, fights dragons and brings happiness. Thus, she is worshiped as Goddess of Heaven. I’m pulling all the names from what the subtitles say, even if the official Romanization of 林默娘 is Lin Moniang. Chia Ling is also known as Judy Lee thanks to distributors cashing in on Bruce Lee.
White Dragon (???) – A magic kid who lives in a well who turns into a white dragon. White Dragon gives Mak-Leung a wordless book direct from God that she’s supposed to study, and White Dragon will be living in the well ready to help her when she needs it because he’s being punished.
White Dragon (Puppet) – The dragon form of White Dragon.
Inspector Yuen Lam of Meichow (Fang Mian) – Lam Mak-Leung’s long-suffering father, who keeps having daughter after daughter after daughter. Which is shameful because back then people were dumb like that.
Ears of 1000 Miles (???) – Demon creature who can hear 1000 miles. He’s running around being a jerk until Lam Mak-Leung outsmarts them and forces them to be servants and good. Based on legendary guardian general “With-the-Wind Ear” (順風耳/Shunfeng Er) who is usually depicted as green with one horn.
Eyes of 1000 Miles (Wang Tai-Lang) – Demon creature who can see 1000 miles. He’s also running around being a jerk until Lam Mak-Leung stops by. Based on legendary guardian general “Thousand Miles Eye” (千里眼/Qianli Yan) who is usually depicted as red with two horns.
Monster (Man in suit!) – A giant Godzilla-ish dinosaur who sucks in the wind and clouds. Lives in the Western Mountains. The monster suit was used in Boy in a Magic Box.
Huge dragon guy (Puppet) – The ghost of the monster calls his brother to avenge his death, his brother lives in the ocean and is a huge dragon guy. He floods Meichow, which is the town Mak-Leung lives in. The dragon demands Mak-Leung for revenge, but that White Dragon who lives in a well pops out and we got a dragon fight! Two dragon puppets battle it out. You have never seen such hot dragon fighting action between two dragon puppets.

Metal Men to rust all over theaters soon!

Men in Black series director Barry Sonnenfeld is ramping up to direct another comic book movie, Metal Men! Yes, we all know who Metal Men is, so no explanation is needed. Okay, fine, I’ll explain it for the one guy who accidentally lands here while looking for “pictures chucky” (actual search term) Good guy but probably crazy scientist Dr. Will Magnus made six robots, each based on a metal, and used them as a super hero team to fight bad guys. Gold is the leader and can stretch, Iron is super strong, Tin is insecure, Lead is a moron and can turn into a shield to block radiation, Mercury can melt, and Platinum can flatten and think’s she’s a real woman named Tina. And she’s in love with Dr. Will Magnus

At some point they get rebooted so they’re transferred consciousnesses of real people trapped in the robot bodies. And sarcastic female Copper gets added to their lineup. I’m not going to touch when they were the Death Metal Men, because even I’m confused.

It sounds like someone saw all that money Iron Man was bringing in, and decided that dudes made of all sorts of metal were really hot right now! Look out, Silver Surfer!

via Vulture

Metal Men

Coming soon to a theater near YOU!

Billionaire drunk on own power, watched too many movies

With all the talk of violence in movies influencing people lately, has anyone stopped to think what else in movies influence morons? Because we’re learning first hand that the danger is bigger than we think. Especially if the moron is a crazy billionaire.

Australian billionaire Clive Palmer has declared his intention to clone dinosaurs like in Jurassic Park and set up his own dinosaur theme park located at his Palmer Resort in Coolum, Australia. Now, anyone with even a small amount of biotech knowledge knows that cloning dinosaurs is impossible, and Jurassic Park skipped and hopped around steps needed to successfully clone animals (very important steps!) in the interests of writing a dinothriller. But that doesn’t matter when you have billions of dollars to waste. Remember, according to morons, rich people are your betters!

Clive Palmer’s name might be familiar because he was recently in the news announcing he’s building Titanic II, a replica of the Titanic. Titanic II will be designed not to sink, but I think we’ve heard that before… There is no connection to the Asylum movie Titanic II, except to say that they’ve successfully predicted the future. I hope it’s the only time, because I don’t want to live in a future where the Transmorphers come…

I support any and all efforts that cause dumb rich people to waste all their money.

In non-wasting your money news, would you like to buy some Jurassic Park bugs? Well, too late, because they’ve all been sold from Erin Pearce’s Etsy store, but maybe if you jingle enough money you can get yourself a custom job!

Jurassic Park Bugs
Sam Jackson bug

You can get them to celebrate Jurassic Park 4 being fast-tracked into development! Sadly, it won’t be that awesome weaponized raptors script…

Dino Riders

Marx Brothers

Hidden Marxist Principles in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Trilogy

There has been much study and talk of Christopher Nolan’s Batman franchise. The three films, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises, are among the most discussed films in cinema history due to their places of prominence in the age of the internet. Dozens of theories abound as to what the major themes are, and entire books have been written attempting to decipher them. Folks, I am here to tell you that all those theories and essays and words are wrong. Dead wrong. There is only one real conclusion to draw, from careful study of all three films in the trilogy. The films are filled with Marxism! Yes, the tenants and principles of Marx flow through the three Batman films like a mighty river, ready to wash over the masses. But these codes have now been deciphered, and for the first time you have visual and textual proof of the hidden meaning behind The Dark Knight Trilogy:

“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.” — Groucho
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho
“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” — Groucho
“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” — Chico
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” — Groucho
“…” — Harpo