Gong Li is set to star in The Last Empress, based on the life of Empress Dowager Cixi, the controversial figure who took over control of the Qing Dynasty and ruled from 1861 until 1908. Her life has been portrayed by numerous movies, and history is torn on if she ruled as a despot or was victimized by circumstances beyond her control. The story of her life is very interesting and could last through several films. It is obvious from the title The Last Empress they are attempting to invoke the memory of Academy Award winner The Last Emperor, which is probably a good thing from a marketing standpoint, but does make me a little wary they don’t think this tale can stand on its own.
The Last Empress will be China-US co-production, with Seven Stars leading the way. Seven Stars producer Jake Eberts was originally attached before he passed on, and the film will be dedicated to his memory. Filming will begin in late 2013.
The story chronicles Cixi’s life and her complex relationships with Emperor Guang Xu and Imperial Advisor American Costa, both of whom shared a vision to modernize China. But due to misunderstandings, bloodshed ended Guang’s 100-day reform, sparking a violent revolution.
2012 Written by Paul A. Birkett and Eric Forsberg
Directed by Griff Furst
Prepare to get ARACHNOQUAKED!!! That’s when there is an earthquake, and GIANT FIRE-BREATHING ALBINO SPIDERS attack! It’s two disasters in one, crawling on eight legs and ready to roast and chomp you! Griff Furst directs this SyFy creature feature, and he has a pretty good track record of delivering an entertaining flick. Once again, a Furst knocks it out of the park, giving us some fun monster mayhem. The flaws in the flick are easily overlooked in the face of giant white spider death!
Now, a common theme for monster flicks is that the monsters were always there, just chilling in a closed off area that recently comes exposed thanks to mankind doing something awful like being greedy. SyFy flicks such as Caved In: Prehistoric Terror, Malibu Shark Attack, and Jersey Shore Shark Attack all feature a similar scenario. And so does Arachnoquake. The twist is, the earthquakes exposing the spider den were caused by fracking, the controversial process of injecting pressurized liquid into shale beds in order to extract hydrocarbons (aka oil), which has been blamed for everything from earthquakes to contaminating groundwater and making it flammable. Despite the big hubbub, fracking is barely mentioned in media. And while I don’t think it will lead to giant flame-breathing albino spiders destroying the American south, I do think it sucks. Arachnoquake is more fun than a barrel of spiders. Parts are high energy, though it will veer off as we enter zones of plot development. The action is focused closer to the ground so we don’t really see the scope of the giant spider menace, but it would appear multiple states are in for a lot of problems. Arachnoquake does a good balance of not taking itself too seriously, but still being serious enough you feel the characters are in danger.
Paul (Bug Hall) – Paul is a drunken slacker who is down on his luck and doesn’t really want to do the bus tour he has to host. Driving the bus turns him into a de facto leader, which gives him a sense of responsibility he didn’t know he had or wanted. They have a guy named Bug Hall in a giant bug movie? Yes, spiders aren’t technically bugs, but then my joke is ruined. Don’t take that away from me!
Katelynn (Tracey Gold) – A science teacher who is just on a tour and didn’t sign up for this giant spider nonsense! But now she must protect her kids. She also needs a new inhaler. Her asthma attack becomes a phantom plotline, coming and going whenever it is convenient.
Charlie Blackwell (Edward Furlong) – The most realistic girls softball coach of all time! I don’t know what happened to Edward Furlong, he looked semi-okay just a year earlier, but now he looks like he is possessed by the ghost of Brad Dourif’s father. He spends most of the film in his own plotline.
Roy (Ethan Phillips) – Paul’s dad, who spends most of the film either yelling at Paul or blaming Paul for everything ever.
Petra (Olivia Hardt) – Paul’s sister, who is eager to help her dad and prove responsible, but besides wearing short shorts she does little after that.
Anabell (Megan Adelle) – Charlie’s daughter who does more to help her mom despite her past issues than her brother.
Spiders (CGI) – White albino spiders that breath fire and live underground in the darkness, until fracking causes them to be released to destroy New Orleans. They don’t have much of a brain.
Queen Spider (CGI) – The boss spider, uses her massive brain to control all the other spiders and likes to cocoon people up for dinner.
Mr. Ed is dead set on being made into a film (of course, of course), and Fox 2000 was developing the property, but before you can say “Ghost of Hot to Trot murdered them in their sleep”, Waterman Entertainment has stepped up and taken over, announcing it as a live action/CGI hybrid. You might know Waterman Entertainment from when they bought the rights to The Brave Little Toaster and announced it was going to be a live action/CGI flick. Or their live action/CGI films Caspar, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel, Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked, Stuart Little, and Stuart Little 2.
What does all this mean? It means pack your bags, it’s over. Everything you ever loved as a child will soon be live action/CGI hybrids. California Raisins, Rude Dog, Fraggle Rock, Galaxy High, Turbo Teen, those Reese’s Pieces commercials with the blue alien guy, Madballs, and Micro Machines. All on the list. Waterman Entertainment is like the Borg, chasing down your childhood dreams and packaging them for a brave new world. Though I still demand my Francis the Talking Mule reboot!!!
I will forgive them if Mr. Ed surfs, though. But only if it is a real horse.
Just check out this rambling press release! Aren’t press releases fun? I can copy/paste them in and fill up lots of space, making it look like I spent hours writing this post.
WATERMAN ENTERTAINMENT CONTINUES TO BUILD FAMILY LIBRARY WITH POPULAR CHILDREN’S TITLE MR. ED
Family Entertainment-Based Company to Develop
Franchise Films
Los Angeles, CA (September 21, 2012)–Family-based production outfit Waterman Entertainment is developing a feature film concept based on the iconic family television property, MR. ED. The property fits seamlessly into the company’s business model, which is to identify existing and successful family brands that can be developed into live action/CGI feature film properties.
Over the past twelve months the company has been aggressively seeking out family-friendly brands that have franchise potential and ancillary viability on platforms including television, digital, literary, and merchandising. In doing so, Waterman Entertainment works in conjunction with the creators and rights holder’s to tap their wealth of knowledge around their characters and storylines allowing for stronger content that remains true to the property.
Steve Waterman, who founded and manages the company along with his sons Tucker and Cooper, has served as an Executive Producer on theatrical features including CASPER with Universal; ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS, ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL and ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED with 20th Century Fox; and STUART LITTLE and STUART LITTLE 2 with Columbia Pictures, among other credits.
Cooper Waterman said, “We are identifying properties that have had success with multiple generations of parents who feel comfortable and have excitement about reintroducing the characters and storylines to their own kids and grandkids. While each property remains independent of each other, they will share the commonality of addressing social values, morality lessons, and characteristics that are clearly identifiable for kids with comedic elements for all age groups.”
The company recently announced the acquisition of rights for THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, a project that Disney released as a fully animated feature in 1987. Waterman will present the reimagination as a CGI/live action property and give it a contemporary storyline, while preserving the original essence of the characters and moral lessons behind the story.
Waterman Entertainment is focused on acquiring properties and growing them across multiple platforms to support the theatrical release. Tucker Waterman continued, “When we develop properties we don’t limit them solely to the big screen. They are iconic characters and brands that have appeal far beyond movies. We will be utilizing both traditional and new methods to bring these characters to audiences in a myriad of platforms.”
Waterman Entertainment (www.watermanent.com) is a family-owned and operated media and entertainment company that focuses on creating, financing and distributing film, television, and digital media properties across multiple platforms for family audiences. The company works closely with creators and rights holders and manages all licensing rights to their brands and characters to exploit ancillary revenue streams tied to worldwide theatrical releases.
These evil Smurfs called the Naughties are your villains for Smurfs 2: Smurf Smurfer. They are totally grey and not white like everyone ever thought when they first saw them. So don’t think that. Just know that the stranded Gargamel made them out of clay to help get revenge on the Smurfs, and thus they are evil because he made them that way (this is also the real origin of Smurfette!) The female is Vexy (Christina Ricci) and the male is Hackus (JB Smoove)
“Vexy is smart, and mischievous and has lots of attitude. Attitude to spare,” Gosnell says. “And she really does want to please her father.” That would be Gargamel, who would surely cringe at the title.
“Hackus, he’s just very funny and very physical,” Gosnell adds. “He’s the Tasmanian Devil meets a lovable puppy dog.”
The original Smurfs was shockingly not terrible when they weren’t singing, but just like the first one, the film will largely take place in our universe instead of the land of the Smurfs, which was where the first film was the strongest (and Hank Azaria and the cat Azrael stole the show!) Will Smurfs 2 surprise like the original? Can they build on the mythology? If this one is successful, can we finally have an all Smurfland Smurfs movie? The answers to all those questions are mysteries that won’t be solved for a while, so don’t hold your breath until you turn blue. Unless you are one of the Naughties! via EW
aka Zero Woman: Abunai yugi 1998 Written by Hidekazu Takahara, Takashi Kaneda, and Miyuki Takahashi
Based on the Manga by Toru Shinohara
Directed by Hidekazu Takahara
Duckface photos from before MySpace????
The Zero Woman films are a series of Japanese movies that revolve around a female government agent who operates as someone beyond the law, able to execute criminals when the system is failing. Based on a comic series (O-ka no onna by Toru Shinohara), the first film was 1974’s Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs, which has since become more of a cult item thanks to it being released on DVD. There were no Zero Woman films again until the 1990s, where the series was revived as more of an anthology, with each installment having a different director and lead actress starring a Rei. This allowed the directors to go however they wanted and gave each entry its own distinct flavor. But it also dealt with the realities of the no-budget direct-to-DVD world of the late 90s. Which means some of the entries are complete garbage. Some are also less than garbage. I’m happy to say, Zero Woman: Dangerous Game is less than garbage! The Zero Woman films through the 90’s are: Zero Woman: Final Mission (1995), Zero Woman 2 (1995), Zero Woman: Assassin Lovers (1996), Zero Woman: The Accused (1997), Zero Woman: The Hunted (1997), and this one, Zero Woman: Dangerous Game. There is also another movie from 2004 simply titled Zero Woman, and a follow-up Zero Woman R.
The Zero Woman concept is that there is a super-maxi-extreme-ultra-top-secret division of the police or something called Zero Division which is basically an old chief, a less old main investigator, and Rei, the woman they send to blow away evil criminals. We know something is up because you can’t divide by zero, thus their entire department’s name is there to make math majors enraged as they watch the DVDs. As these flicks are exploitative features, they have plenty of gun violence and naked chicks, but at least this one has some weird visuals and a gay subtext. It also has an awful DVD transfer, with a fuzzy grainy effect that makes the whole picture look faded.
Chieko Shiratori is a semi-famous Japanese model who had a couple of nude picture books and acted in a few films, then vanished to be married and have kids like a lot of these model/actresses do. She was known for her muscular-ish frame and strong silent-type acting. She looks like she is constantly playing a never-ending poker game.
Zero Woman: We got DVDs to sell!
Rei (Chieko Shiratori) – Employed in Tokyo Police Department’s top secret Zero Division. Is a lesbian in this one, but I don’t think she is consistently lesbian across the film canon. Blows away more criminals than the Death Wish guy.
Nana (Ichiho Matsuda) – Turncoat on the Yakuza because they treated her like crap. A spoiled mob princess who is also a pseudo-lesbian. Pseudo-lesbianism is the only thing that can melt Rei’s ice heart. Her feelings for Natsume cause her to return to the mob to extract vengeance, which results in her death.
Natsume (Terunori Miyazaki) – One of Kaneda’s loyal goons, but not so loyal he couldn’t stop from banging Kaneda’s girl Nana. Though he does end up sleeping with Kaneda as well. That is, before he’s turned into Natsume soup and eaten by Kaneda.
Kaneda (Masayoshi Nogami) – Mobster. Former lover of Nana, who has now turned on him. Doesn’t like love, thinks hate is a more honest emotion. Enjoys dressing in drag, dressing as a creepy clown, eating Natsume soup, and creeping out his mob goons. Gets blown away, Zero Woman style.
Lindsay Lohan took a break from getting arrested and being difficult to work with to film Liz & Dick, though she was reportedly difficult to work with and has just now been arrested once again, the perfect publicity under which to debut the trailer for the Lifetime original movie that is totally no a completely tasteless cash grab to capitalize on the death of Elizabeth Taylor. The poster that attempts to tie Liz Taylor’s life to Lindsay Lohan’s is evidence to that. Just kidding, even a dream team of Matlock and Perry Mason couldn’t get you off with this evidence against you! Grant Bowler plays the Dick in the title, Richard Burton. November is when this hits the airwaves, place your bets now if Lohan will be in jail, rehab, or the grave by then.
