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Hungry Hungry Hippos….will be a REAL FILM????!!

October 4, 2012By

Hungry Hungry Hippos Brian Cook

What in the flying monkey crap is happening to Earth, planet of humans, that makes jokes reality? Are we being zapped with Ironic Reality Rays from the Evil Skeletor and his gang of baddies? Because suddenly, everyone’s favorite joke board game movie will actually be a real movie! Hasbro has signed deals to bring more of their properties to the big screen. In addition to reviving the long-in-production Monopoly flick and optioning Action Man for some reason, Hungry Hungry Hippos is the third property in the deal with Emmett/Furla Films giving Hasbro the dump trucks full of cash it needs to get these films in production through their Universal subsidiary. Don’t worry, each film will cost less than $100 million, that way they will only lose lots of money instead of a ton of money.

Monopoly will be the first of the three films, probably because a lot of the ground work has already been done over the years. Ridley Scott is still listed as a producer, but I do not know if they will continue with the “guy wakes up in a Monopoly world” plot that was rumored years ago. All the films are being marketed as family films.

Emmett/Furla is also bankrolling The Tomb, Two Guns, and Broken City, so they’re posed to become very very rich. Which they will need when no one watches these Hasbro films. I mean, I can’t wait for Hungry Hungry Hippos!

I actually seriously can’t wait.

Via LATimes
Image created by Brian Cook

Marvel Godzilla #3
InMovie News

The Anna Nicole Story Lifetime flick casts their Anna Nicole Smith

October 4, 2012By

Agnes Bruckner will play Anna Nicole Smith in the Lifetime movie based on the tragic life of the Playboy model. The Anna Nicole Story is written by John Rice and Joe Batteer, but I can’t find who the director is. Agnes Bruckner has a Lifetime movie past with a role in The Craigslist Killer.

The story of Anna Nicole Smith (aka Vicky Lynn Hogan) was one of those tragic lives you saw spiral out of control in real time thanks to the rise of reality television, giving a new dimension to celebrity trainwrecks. It was a harbinger of the modern era vs. the original Marilyn Monroe era of celebrity self-destruction. A neat movie could be made of paralleling the two tragedies. But this won’t be that movie.

Now, you might be thinking there was already an Anna Nicole Smith movie (you are right, The Anna Nicole Smith Story went direct to DVD two years after it was completed!) and this is years too late for anyone to care, as they’ve moved on to the new generation of trainwrecks like Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. But this will probably get Lifetime a decent ratings score, so there’s that.

Via Deadline

Agnes Bruckner

Marvel Godzilla #3
InMovie News

Boys Will Be Boys on Kickstarter

October 2, 2012By

Boys Will Be Boys
If you miss the chance to back Boys Will Be Boys on Kickstarter, you will be kicking yourself! But don’t take my tired joke as the final word, let’s hear from creator Ntsako Mabasa himself:

Feature Film about a Bisexual Down Low NCAA Basketball Player, who impregnates his secret Gay Friend, a Rare Reproducing Hermaphrodite.

Boys Will Be Boys deals with more social issues than you can shake a stick at! How many films about homothugs are there? Probably zero.

“Boys Will Be Boy” is a Racy Art Feature Film about a Bisexual Down Low NCAA Basketball Player, Athlete, NBA Potential Number One Draft Pick, Gang-Banger, Underground Rapper, who impregnates his private/secret Gay-Boy/Homie-Lover-Friend, who turns out to be a Rare One-Of-A-Kind Reproducing Hermaphrodite with an internal Female Organ.


What’s neat about Boys Will Be Boy(s) is that the script is already written, the cast is selected, and you can tell from the video that they’ve already done test scenes. And the description is peppered with these:
Boys Will Be Boys
Boys will Be Boys
Boys Will Be Boys
Boys Will Be Boys
These banners rule.

You should donate today. Because you literally won’t be able to donate tomorrow, as there is less than a day left on the Kickstarter!

Kickstarter page
Official site

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Alien Lightning Dragon (Review)

October 1, 2012By

Alien Lightning Dragon

aka 외계 번개용 aka Oegye beongye yong aka Alien Thunder Dragon 2

1988
Written and directed by Bang Sun-deok

You can smell the toxic fumes decades later…

It’s Wacky Korean Kiddie Flick Time! Today’s installment is the fabulous alien rock star women kidnapping children to turn into frozen popsicle dinners. Alien Lightning Dragon is filled with the usual Korean kiddie film tropes: “funny” fat guys, animated tokusatsu action sequences, annoying children, copyright infringement, and ridiculous costumes.

At TarsTarkas.NET, we know what we’re getting into when we delve into a Korean kiddie flick. And we also know that these films are barely watched by anyone, and deservedly so. But they are fun to gawk at, even if they are one of the worst cinematic genres on the planet.

Oh, honey, that’s not how you put on eyeshadow…

Gangs of space goons lead by rejects from the Jem and the Holograms cartoon invade various schoolyards and day care centers, kidnapping children and creepy adults who are playing children. The kids are destined to become dinner, and no one seems to care except a rag tag group of heroes and relatives of kidnapped children. Luckily, they also find a good Jem reject and her Alien Lightning Dragon megazord/costume/robot/whatever that can fight these space cases and save the day.

If this is a direct rip off of an actual property, then I feel sorry for whatever property it originally is. But what we get looks so generic and bad that I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all original and written just to reuse sets and costumes that are churned out on a production line, as there are literally dozens and dozens of these kid flicks.

The town had insulted Spider and Renegade, so they had to pay. Berry lead the charge, as always, and by sunrise every home was a burnt out cinder. Maple Falls never recovered.

Alien Lightning Dragon is an in name only sequel to Alien Thunder Dragon, made one year after the original. It looks like the only thing that made it to the sequel was the dragon costume and the animation. Like many of these films, there were cheap toy tie-ins and other merchandise, though most of it (except for a Making Of book) looks like it is based on the original film. The first film features a cadre of evil space ladies, and this sequel also features evil space ladies, so they at least aped the formula.

Wait a second…. This film has a secret underground compound where children are kidnapped? Is this a North Korean allegory? Do the wild flashy costumes of the evil space women mirror Kim Jong-il’s love of flashy Hollywood? Is Alien Lightning Dragon something larger than it appears at first? Probably not, but you never know…

Forget the Jem jokes, it’s time for some Go-Bot jokes!

Here at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles, and it’s not like knowing what the heck is going on would have made this film any less stupid. So enjoy the made up names, they’re probably better than the real ones. Even reading a synopsis I found only answers some questions:

Aliens are kidnapping the children of earth to use as frozen food. Kyung-ah and Hyung-cho use the Spirit Robots to go rescue them. Kyung-ah’s team finds the children, Hun and Young-mi, who are toys for the alien princess. But the alien queen finds out and is furious. She ends up capturing Kyung-ah’s team as well. At this, Prof. Min, Princess Aran, Yong, and Dung-bo recharge Lightening Dragon’s energy and go to rescue the children. A fight between the Dragon and the queen’s men is inevitable. Just as Lightening Dragon is nearly conquered, Dung-bo and the children blow their harmonicas. The queen who wanted to conquer earth is touched by the music and she repents all her past evil deeds.

The synopsis seems to think some minor characters are the real stars, and the main characters are barely mentioned.

We’re gonna track down Jerrica Benton and take her out!

Goofy Hero Guy (Jeon Young-rok) – The hero who keeps trying to save the day and also does some random pratfalls. According to the synopsis, he is Dung-bo. Jeon Young-rok is a famous singer, and his daughters are also in singing groups.
Crazy Mad Scientist (???) – Crazy mad scientist who finds Good Jem and the Alien Lightning Dragon, then fixes them both up so they can fight the Evil Jems. According to the synopsis his name is Professor Min.
Bald Goofy Guy (Cho Chun) – A goofy child care center employee who is drafted into the battle against the invading aliens when they attack his center. According to the synopsis, his name is Yong. Cho Chun appeared in more of these Korean Kiddie flicks than is probably healthy.
Good Jem (???) – The heroic good controller of the Alien Lightning Dragon, and also spends her time unconscious in the woods. According to the synopsis, her name is Princess Aran
Alien Lightning Dragon (???) – Good Jem’s costume/device/dragon that she controls and uses to fight the forces of evil.
Rescue Girls (???) – Two girls who wander around with a robot in search of their missing younger children. Despite being random kids, are more competent that all the heroes except the Professor. Judging by the plot synopsis, the girls are named Kyung-ah and Hyung-cho and their missing siblings are Hun and Young-mi. Carry a robot with them.
Their Robot (???) – The robot that the Rescue Girls carry around with them, who gives them information and clues and orders. According to the synopsis, the robot is a Spirit Robot, but the synopsis refers to them in the plural even though there is only one.
Queen Jem (???) – Leader of the evil alien invaders, who is very hungry for frozen children.
Jem Jr. (???) – Believe it or not, Jem Jr. is a girl and is the daughter of Queen Jem, and gets two kids as pets. Being close to the children makes Jem Jr. realize humans shouldn’t be eaten.
Bad Guy Goons (???) – The evil troops of the invading space women! Dumb as a box of rocks. Have very long tongues.
Looks like these films have a bigger body count than I thought!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Girls Unbutton

September 29, 2012By

Girls Unbutton

aka 不扣鈕的女孩 aka Bu kou niu de nu hai

1994
Written by Lam Chiu-Wing
Directed by Taylor Wong Tai-Loi

Girls Unbutton is a story about a woman’s search for love. Along the way she gets naked a lot, as do her friends, so it’s all good! A lot of people now compare it to Sex and the City, but Girls Unbutton came out years before that series. It’s spiritual predecessors are those European erotic journey films where they are narrated by the young lady who has a string of lovers until she finds the one that is best. There was a whole host of these in the 70s, though the genre seemed to peter out in the 80s. Many also featured internal dialogue in the form of diaries (as some were based on actual books!), and the diary aspect is carried over for Girls Unbutton. But not entirely, Jenny has two friends with ideas of their own about love and men, thus giving us external dialogue and conflict and nudity.

Despite the fact it appears to be nothing more than sleazy Category III that hastily straightened up the room before mom barged in, Girls Unbutton actually has seeds of an idea of a better film. It almost does a good job looking into the ins and out of relationships, of a woman’s search for love. But Jenny is thrust into various ridiculous scenarios that quickly take the winds out of the sails for a serious and good movie. Girls Unbutton is its own worst enemy. But also its greatest strength. Just the very fact the producers tried to do something makes it a cut above a lot of the slop. And Girls Unbutton is entertaining.

This is a Loletta Lee vehicle, so the plot revolves around her as our heroine Jenny. Jenny has a busy love life, but each relationship is not right for her. Will she ever find true love? Is there a Mr. Right? Will she and her friends be wearing any clothes in the next scene? We shall find out! This was the last film directed by Taylor Wong Tai-Loi, the talented director and fan of old school Cantonese flicks, which he showed his love with in Buddha’s Palm (1982) and Kung Fu Vs. Acrobatic (1990).

Jenny (Loletta Lee Lai-Chun) – Jenny is a modern girl searching for love in a land of duds and duddier duds. What’s a girl to do when everyone sucks or dies quickly?? Lounge around naked and write in your diary. Heck yeah! Loletta Lee was also in Summer Lover
Kate (Mikie Ng Miu-Yee) – Jenny’s friend who wants her to be a strong woman in love, which basically means being a horrible person. Mikie Ng Miu-Yee was awesomely sexual and dangerous in the vastly underrated Rock on Fire, but soon vanished to obscurity. She is sometimes credited as Wu Mia Oyi.
Jenny’s Friend Number Two (Hung Yuk-Laan) – Friend Number Two is such a good friend, she doesn’t even have a name. You don’t need one in the world of friends! Friend Number Two is just as friendly as Friend Number One, Kate. And just as naked!
Lung Mao (Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong) – Triad Boss who has a relationship with Jenny. Dies in battle.
Pong Kwong-Yim (David Siu Chung-Hang) – Politician who becomes the next failed relationship in Jenny’s life, though he doesn’t want to leave her life.
Ho (Leung Si-Ho) – The guy who is right for Jenny, for reasons not really stated, but he just is. You can tell by looking at him!
Ho’s Sister (Fan Oi-Git) – She never gets a name, and has a passion for losing her clothes accidentally. And she parades around he brother in a string bikini that covers less than dental floss!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Shadowless Sword

September 28, 2012By

Shadowless Sword

aka 무영검 aka Muyeong geom

2005
Written by Kim Tae-kwan and Sin Joon-hee
Directed by Kim Young-Jun

A stylized action flick overly heavy on outside influences, Shadowless Sword delivers some good wirework action, but not enough heart or story to put it beyond popcorn fare. The fact that Shadowless Sword is a Korean flick does transform some of the usual wuxia tropes into new forms, giving Shadowless Sword a uniqueness, but that’s not enough to satisfy.

A period piece filmed in China, Shadowless Swords gets it story from the ancient Korean kingdom of Balhae and is very very loosely based on reality. Balhae was conquered by the Kitans in 926, and the royal family was killed and the kingdom turned into a puppet state that was eventually absorbed. But the last crown prince Dae Gwang-hyeon escaped with around 300 followers, arriving in Goryeo (the Kingdom from which modern Korea sprang) and causing occasional trouble for the Kitan. From reading up, the actual Dae Guang-hyeon history sounds much more interesting than the story used here. (If you are confused by the Dae Guang-hyeon/Dae Jeong-Hyun being the same person that, welcome to the wonderful world of different translation schemes colliding!)

Shadowless Sword‘s action sequences are heavily invested with wirework, and at times almost too choreographed. You start to notice a pattern and then predict when there will be a cut as the actor flips to suddenly fly in the air. But the choreography not bad, in particular the duel between Yeon So-Ha and Mae Young-Ok in the marketplace is very nice.

There is a heavy emphasis on qigong energy type moves, attacks cause the walls and pillars to explode in ridiculous fashion when people are thrown into them. In physical attack, bodies can explode violently, sometimes much later than the physical attack itself.

This expands with a sort of sword energy mythology – Shadowless Sword tries to include including philosophy of sword debates, can swords become noble or evil, or is it up to the user to decide what the sword is. Can a sword become evil? Where does the morality of killing come from? Another major point is two swords that are brothers, the swords being connected and also the people using the swords are connected

One neat thing is the energy attacks also work underwater, this is the only film I can recall seeing where energy is blasted back and forth underwater causing the energy pushing the water to be used as a weapon (The Last Airbender doesn’t count!) There is also lots and lots of shuriken. At one point bad guys throw like 100s of shuriken into the water likes they are machine guns, which is sort of bad. It crosses into ridiculous territory and takes you out of the film.

Shadowless Sword does borrow a lot of visuals from other films, Crouching Tiger gives us flying rooftop chases, a Korean gang has everyone dressed up like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean (if this is accurate historical costuming, then we’re though a rabbit hole now, people!), the energy stuff sounds like it’s from a billion manga comics, fields of flags see straight from Kurosawa, and the end scene is very recognizable as well. If Shadowless Sword can’t be bothered to be less obvious in what it steals, then I can’t be bothered to care too much.

Yeon So-Ha (Yoon So-yi) – The best fighter of the surviving Balhae forces. Yeon So-Ha joined the army as a young girl after her whole family was killed. Carries a special shadowless sword (Muyeong geom) of which only two were made.
Prince Dae Jeong-Hyun (Lee Seo-jin) – Exiled prince and last surviving member of the Balhae royal family. He’s reluctantly taken from his black market dealings under the name Sosam and brought back to lead his people by Yeon So-Ha.
Gun Hwa-Pyung (Shin Hyun-jun) – Gun Hwa-Pyung’s father was a traitor to the prior King of Balhae and was executed along with his entire family, but Gun Hwa-Pyung survived the execution and joined up with the Khitan, leading the feared Killer Blade Army. It is his goal to eliminate the entire royal family for revenge
Mae Young-Ok (Lee Ki-Yong) – Female member of the Killer Blade Army and great admirer of Gun Hwa-Pyung, but his quest for revenge keeps him from being anything more than her commanding officer.

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