The Last Stand

The Last Stand


2013
Written by Andrew Knauer, Jeffrey Nachmanoff, and George Nolfi
Directed by Kim Ji-woon

The Last Stand
My hand is huge!

We got both a return of Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Hollywood debut of Kim Ji-woon with the modern day western The Last Stand. But is the title prophetic and a sign that we should stay away? If you are looking for amazing action and a return to form for an actor turned politician, then you might want to keep waiting. But if you want a good forgettable action flick with some funny parts, then The Last Stand is a passable January release. It isn’t terrible, it’s just we’ve seen much better from both the star and the director, so things come out disappointing. And that’s the worst sting of all.

Kim Ji-woon is no stranger to Westerns, he directed The Good, the Bad, and the Weird, one of the best Western-inspired films ever. He’s also responsible for I Saw The Devil, one of those films that people watch and then describe with a single emoticon of a traumatized face staring into the distance. Kim Ji-woon is the first of three popular Korean directors who are making their Hollywood debut in 2013 (Bong Joon-ho with Snowpiercer and Park Chan-wook with Stoker are the other two.) He’s also the only reason I had any interest in taking the time to see The Last Stand.

I am sorry to say that things are up to Kim Ji-woon’s normal standards of excellence. But The Last Stand isn’t a wash, either. It follows the normal arc progression of a Western with the eventual showdown against the gang by the Sheriff and his deputies. There is a lot of scattered action sequences throughout the buildup, as the cartel leader escapes from captivity then carves his way through increasingly incompetent police roadblocks via increasingly ridiculous ambush attacks.

The Last Stand
Minimalist action theater

In the usual Western, the baddies are constantly harassing the town, the people the Sheriff likes and loves, and the danger is more personal. As Gabriel Cortez is more of a guy who is just passing through town, The Last Stand attempts to counter this by having some of his gang in town building an escape bridge. The gang causes trouble and is involved in a firefight with the Sheriff’s office. Though the gang’s leader is played by awesome dude Peter Stormare, the rest are all faceless militia types and there isn’t enough there to make them feel so evil you cheer when the hero kills them.

Sheriff Ray Owens (Arnold Schwarzenegger) – Arnold is the sheriff of Summerton Junction, where he went after a shootout went wrong during his career as an LA narcotics squad detective. He now deals with local town with small town troubles, but sometimes big trouble comes by.
Agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker) – Forest Whitaker plays the desperate FBI agents who gets stymied at every turn by Gabriel Cortez’s escape. A role that requires a lot of yelling on the phone as whatever plan is happening goes terribly wrong.
Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) – The evil drug cartel leader and world class racer, driving down deserted desert roads at 197 mph. But he is too fast and not enough furious to deal with the Terminator!
The Last Stand
Police Academy: Honey Boo-Boo
Housewives from Another World

Upcoming SyFy fun – Tasmanian Devils, Abominable Snowman, and Battledogs!

Tasmanian Devils Dancia McKellar

Wonder THIS!


SyFy is continuing to bring us the best in monster mayhem in 2013! First up is Tasmanian Devils on January 19, featuring Dancia McKellar (Winnie!) and Apolo Ohno as basejumpers who battle giant killer Tasmanian devils! Zach Lipovsky directs. The trailer is the one embedded below.

January 26 gives us Abominable Snowman, starring Ardian Paul and Chuck Campbell. Not much info about the film is out there, except that it used to be called Deadly Descent: The Legend of the Abominable Snowman and has been sitting around since 2011. This must mean quality, quality, quality. I hope the Abominable Snowman rips dudes in half. That’s what I want in a good yeti movie.

Finally, SyFy’s twitter feed mentioned another 2013 flick – Battledogs! From what I could figure out, Battledogs is a retitle of a film called Wards Island, starring Dennis Haysbert, Craig Scheffer, Ariana Richards, Kate Vernon, Ernie Hudson and Wes Studi! No word on how the dogs will be battling, but hopefully it involves dogs ripping people in half.

This isn’t the end of the SyFy 2013 features…this is only the beginning!

Via SyFy and Dreadcentral

Tasmanian Devils

It will be the ultimate holiday with A Madea Christmas

This is like 10 Christmases in 1, because not only are we getting a Madea Christmas-themed movie, but Larry the Cable Guy (Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector) will be costarring! Based on yet another of Tyler Perry’s plays, A Madea Christmas

sees Madea getting coaxed into helping a friend pay her daughter a surprise visit in the country for Christmas. Their arrival, as the rural town prepares for its annual Christmas Carnival, prompts secrets to be revealed and old friendships test. Oh, and Madea dishes her special brand of spirit to all.

Chad Michael Murry, Tika Sumpter, and Kathy Najimy also star. Expect this to make 2013 the Year Christmas Was Awesome!

via THR
photo via

Larry the Cable Guy Santa

The gene-splice ain't nice in The Chimeran

Chimeran

Richard Bazley and Star Wars Producer Gary Kurtz are teaming up with an independent film called The Chimeran, about a future where animal/human hybrids are used for cheap labor.

The story focuses on a secret camp where the government have created an experimental society with Chimerans, genetically bred-for-purpose hybrids, at the heart of their community. They work the fields and look after the children in the camp, becoming integral tools in the production of food and goods. It’s a test to see if it could work on a national scale and solve the world’s mass production problems in a sustainable fashion. The problems come when it becomes clear that the chimerans, although they were made for production and farming – like knives and axes before them – can also be used as weapons.

The concept sounds awesome and is inspired by Planet of the Apes and District 9, both great things to draw influence from. It also sounds like there is a lot of H.G. Wells Dr. Moreau influence.

The official synopsis is:

When wannabe god Professor Beachell De Vries creates an intelligent and powerful Chimeran worker race to save his son’s life and the economy; their camp becomes a battleground for the very future of the human race.

Oliver is a ten year old boy dying of a degenerative brain disease. His best friend is his dog, Bobby; an elderly golden retriever with a similarly negative life expectancy.

The only way Beach can save his son’s life is to break the ultimate taboo – growing hybrid brain tissue; an illegal and immoral act that would forever change the world.

With oil powered mass production machinery lying unused and derelict, the Government look to Beach’s technology to grow their own work force. Getting “back to nature” with a pollution free economy powered by ‘working animals’ – The Chimerans.

Based loosely on the subjugation of slaves in the US in 1800’s, The Chimeran highlights a worrying path of genetic manipulation happening right now and points out that it’s a path that’s been trodden before.

The official site is here and is packed with amazing concept art.

Chimeran

In the future, LOLs will be genetically modified!

Chimeran

Link Duties Unit vs. Hitler

Muppets

We’re back again with a bunch of links to stories that I didn’t have time to turn into their own posts and also links to cool reviews from around the web. So let’s get busy!

**The Muppets 2 will be released on March 21st 2014.

**Someone uploaded the complete 166 page screenplay for Django Unchained as a .pdf, if you are curious to see what didn’t make the final cut.

**50 Shades of Grey will be NC-17 according to the film’s writer, Kelly Marcel. This is probably news to everyone else involved with the film, who aren’t about to sink a ton of money into a project that will get an NC-17 rating and kill the box office returns. Or it’s just a publicity stunt. Either way, will not happen.

**Pang Ho-Cheung is following up his hit film Vulgeria by producing a sex comedy called SDU: Sex Duties Unit. He’s also slated to direct Women Who Know How to Flirt Are the Luckiest.
SDU Sex Duties Unit

**The Hebrew Hammer is getting a sequel! In The Hebrew Hammer vs. Hitler, Mordechai Jefferson Carver comes out of retirement and teams up with Jesus to go back in time to fight Hitler. Hell yeah!

**The nephew of George Soros (yes, that George Soros) is named Jeffrey Soros, who leads the board of directors for Los Angeles’s Museum of Contemporary Art and is making his first feature film, Basmati Blues. Basmati Blues will be shot entirely in India and stars Brie Larson (21 Jump Street.) They are currently looking for a male lead who is Indian (which is shocking and awesome at the same time!)

**Ninja Dixon observes Santo and the Vengeance of the Mummy!

**Pulp Curry talking about Night Moves!

**Cinematic Catharsis gets down with Funky Forest: The First Contact!

**Pre-Code takes the Cimarron challenge!

**HBO signs ten year deal with Universal, tells Netflix to shove it!

**Who wants an All Quiet on the Western Front remake/new adaptation starring Daniel Radcliffe? Because that’s what we’re getting.

**I hope you want another Ben-Hur, because that’s what we’re getting. Remember, the Heston version is also a remake/new adaptation.

**Fake but awesome “evidence” of Russian animal experimentation.

Until next time, remember to eat your ice cream!
Uranium Ice Cream

Are you ready for 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo?


Good news, everyone! The genius director/writer of The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It and Bad Ass is back with a new flick, 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! And it looks just as good as the title suggests! Craig Moss is experimenting with this new type of comedy, where there aren’t any jokes and it’s not funny at all. 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is out on BluRay, and just think about all the deserving films that will never get a BluRay release. At least French Stewart completists will be happy.
30 nights of paranormal activity