Housewives from Another World

Housewives from Another World

Housewives from Another World

Housewives from Another World
2010
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Housewives from Another World

Yes, it is all so clear now how Honey Boo-Boo is a good show.


It’s been far too long. We need an application of Fred Olen Ray, STAT! Thankfully, Housewives From Another World is here to deliver us from the torment, the torment of not seeing one of Ray’s bikiniverse films on TarsTarkas.NET recently. Don’t laugh, this is a recognized medical condition. In that I edited it into a Wikipedia article on medical conditions before I was banned for “trolling”. But how is spreading knowledge trolling? Wikipedia is the true monster.

Housewives From Another World features invading aliens who possess some local women in hopes of sabotaging a satellite launch to prevent a war that ends up destroying their species. These women never regain control of their bodies, and are essentially dead. The aliens would declare that it’s all in the name of saving countless lives. So a moral choice is presented: Is it worth killing a few innocent people in order to prevent a genocide? Obviously, the aliens have made their choice. But did they really have to kill the women as they gain control of their bodies? And why not just gain control of Max, the designer of the satellite, and use his knowledge to sabotage all chances of it being launched?

Housewives from Another World

Oh, great, someone wake up Bruce Willis…


It’s also interesting so see that the aliens travel back in time to Earth, instead of going to warn their own people to get them prepared. Or maybe they do, we just don’t see those characters. After all, some of the alien women leave at the end (with Max), and they must be going somewhere. The aliens may have advanced technology, but they have dubious planning skills (unless their technology only allows them to travel to Earth in the past!) and who knows what their time meddling may have done to history. Technology from the satellite may have saved the galaxy at some point, but the whole thing is tossed to save their skins. And let’s not even talk about how this would be a minor setback at best, human technology can easily catch up and eclipse the work of one man. Though that might mean the time sequence to discovery and war is very quick, perhaps enough that they will be able to develop defenses (heck, there might even be a Team B that is warning their own homeworld!) or even arming their own side, who may come to conquer Earth instead.

These ethical and mysterious quandaries add intrigue to Housewives From Another World. Also there are naked people who have sex.

Housewives from Another World

Cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night


Max (Frankie Cullen) – Works on the Orion Deep Space Satellite when he’s not cheating on his wife, Karen. Is the best worker in the program, and the boss constantly talks about how cool his is.
Karen (Heather Vandeven) – Max’s loving wife, who is less than loving when she finds he’s been cheating around. Finds a meteor crater in a drunken stupor and is taken over by aliens from a distant world who are working to sabotage the Orion Deep Space Satellite to save countless lives.
Carla (Christine Nguyen) – Fellow worker on the Orion satellite, but she’s nowhere near as good at her job as Max. Dreamy Max… But at least she’s better than Tom! Gets meteored last of the three female characters.
Rita (Rebecca Love) – Unbright neighbor to Max and Rita, easily convinced to hop into bed with Max. Gets meteored and suddenly is much smarter. Because she’s an alien, and not Rita.
Tom (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. This guy.
Mr. Roberts (Ted Newsom) – Boss at the satellite company, he really rides his employees to do their all, but only Max is good enough to get anything done.
Undercover Agent (Ron Ford) – This totally cool looking guy who is trying to buy the satellite plans off of Tom for suitcases of cash is definitely not an undercover agent for the FBI.
Housewives from Another World

This is the only shower in all of LA!

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu J-Pop Concert San Francisco

J-POP Summit Festival concert with Kyary Pamyu Pamyu trip report!

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu  J-POP concert San Francisco

As part of the continuing adventures of TarsTarkas.NET, I attended a free concert in Union
Square in San Francisco that was part of the J-POP Summit Festival 2013. The Festival is also sponsoring the first ever Japan Film Festival of San Francisco, which I am also attending screenings to (and reviews for Dreams for Sale and Library Wars will be appearing on TarsTarkas.NET!) I have press access, which I say as a disclaimer now, though I don’t accept free screening passes in press form, so I’ve paid my way for those films. I did, however, take advantage of the press access to get front row seats at this concert, which I would be attending anyway. But enough about the moral implications of getting a front row seat, let’s get on with the concert!

The free concert had four acts, so let’s go over them in order of appearance:

First up was Kylee (aka Kylee Saunders), an American singer with a Japanese mother who has become really big in Japan. As she’s currently going to school at Stanford, her focus now is more exposure and performances in the US. Kylee sung a mix of Japanese and English songs, including a cover of Pink’s Just Give Me A Reason. Kylee hung around a big to answer questions from concert host Mike Inouye of the local NBC station.

Up second was LoVendoЯ, the group formed around former Morning Musume singer Reina Tanaka. Over 4000 women auditioned to be part of the band, with Yuki Uozumi, Marina Okada, and Marin Miyazawa ending up with the coveted slots. LoVendoЯ was named earlier this year, and only has a few songs of their own, though I will say they were pretty entertaining. Among their songs played was Joukyou Monogatari. The act came out in outfits that were red and black colored leather, with billions and billions of metal studs in them. While talking with Mike Inouye, Reina Tanaka seemed almost apologetic the group didn’t have more songs to play.

Up third was human beatbox machine Daichi. Who performed by himself and made all of the noises for his songs. He was pretty crazy, creating inhuman musical sounds, mixing American and Japanese songs together into recognizable beats that were still unique. At one point he used a device to record samples of himself that he put on loop o he could perform as an entire band. Daichi has a song voice that sounds like a robot Popeye that he uses as his main song voice, but threw in several other completely different sounds. He also did a neat trick where he held the microphone up to his neck and still produced some awesome music. I believe he was the most impressive of the acts just for how cool it was that he did everything with just his mouth. And if they need a new Jones for a Police Academy reboot…

And, finally, what everyone came for – Kyary Pamyu Pamyu! The screaming was loud, but Kyary Pamyu Pamyu burst on stage with her four American flag attired masked alien cat girl dancers and rocked the house. Or rocked the open public area, I should say. Kyary opened with PonPonPon and went through her hits, Invader Invader, Fashion Monster, you know the drill. The audience was going nuts, and the energy from Kyary and her dancers was electric.

But all good things must come to an end, and thus the concert did as well. Kyary Pamyu Pamyu was kind enough to do a brief interview, and then that was all she wrote. Overall it was a fun experience, and some acts from Japan now have a larger audience thanks to the magic of exposure.

Here is a big bunch of photos I took

After the concert, the Press Pass lost it’s value, so I gave to to our good friend Mongo, who subsequently used the Press Pass to interview the brand new Royal Baby Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. Also, Mongo has been arrested, something to do with trespassing and harassment of the Royal Family and annoying an infant. Who expected that to be a crime? Freaking infants, they are such babies…
Press Pass Mongo

J-Pop Summit Festival

Godzilla Marvel 15 cover

Godzilla #15 (October 1978)


Godzilla Marvel 15

Nighty-night!


Godzilla #15 – Roam on the Range (October 1978)
Writer – Doug Moench
Penciler – Herb Trimpe
Editor – Archie Goodwin

Holy Valley of Gwangi, Batman! This issue of Godzilla features Godzilla encountering cowboys and dude ranches! That’s not what anyone expected at all. Also there is missing cattle, stampeded, and crooked land deals going on. Will Godzilla be able to solve the mystery of whatever the heck is going on despite only being a semisentient giant mutant reptile? Of course! But next issue… First we got to set things up.

If you need a refresher on who’s-who, check out the Godzilla Marvel Splash Page, and feel free to check out the rest of March of Godzilla 2013!

Godzilla Marvel 15

Godzilla’s just got a hankering from some T-bone steaks!


Godzilla wanders into an area where lots of cattle ranches are (and then takes an adorable nap!) However, Godzilla gets blamed fro their recent rash of cattle disappearances and soon every ranch in the area is rustling riders to go rope themselves a dinosaur.

As you may have guessed, one of the lead instigators of the Godzilla Posse (henceforth called G-Posse) is involved in the actual stealing of the cattle. Oh, evil land barons, you don’t just exist in old western movies!

Godzilla then bumbles into a cattle herd, causing a stampede. STAMPEDE!!! The ranch hands stop the herd from diving off a cliff by blasting Godzilla’s tail with dynamite, then Godzilla follows some of the ranch hands and stomps a building as we are TO BE CONTINUED!!

Also Dum Dum and SHIELD clean up the aftermath of Salt Lake City and prepare Red Ronin to be taken for repairs. But that’s boring compared to Cowboys vs. Godzilla! Though it’s still more exciting than Cowboys vs. Aliens

Godzilla Marvel 15

Great plan, Tex!

Godzilla Marvel 20 The Doom Trip

Kickboxer and Bloodsport both getting remakes, but where is the Double Team remake???

Remaking Jean-Claude Van Damme films is all the rage in Hollywood for some reason best known by the coven of witches who determine which projects are greenlit (the Which Witches, for those in the industry!) But those witches have yet to give us the Double Team remake America craves, instead we’re getting the leftovers.

First up is a remake of Bloodsport from Relativity Media, James McTeigue directs a film that has a completely different plot. How is this a remake again?

Relativity’s version will instead focus on the morally-conflicted life of 21st century mercenaries who clash with the underground world of Brazilian Vale Tudo, the martial arts style used by Donald Gibb’s character in the original film.

It has already gone through a pack of writers and set to be rewritten again, a sure sign of a quality story. No one is cast yet.

Besides Bloodsport, Kickboxer is also getting made, helmed by Stephen Fung, the guy who directed those not very good Tai Chi Zero/Hero movies. Once again, no one is cast yet.

Y’all remember the saga of Kickboxer, right?

Kickboxer 1 featured JCVD coming out of retirement and taking to the kickboxing ring after his brother is crippled by the evil guy named Po. Kickboxer then defeats Po via kickboxing and becomes champion of illegal kickboxing.

Kickboxer 2 features actors who are totally JCVD and his crippled brother being gunned down by Po, forcing the third unknown brother, Cousin Cody who lived in a van in Step By Step, to come out of retirement to kickbox the crap out of Po, which he does.

Kickboxer 3 featured Cousin Cody going to South America and being friends with kids and kickboxing some evil dudes.

Kickboxer 4 ditches the kids, Cousin Cody somehow got married, then his wife is kidnapped by Po and Cousin Cody was framed for murder and is in jail. He’s let out to fight in Po’s latest tournament, where he wears no disguise because jail made him hard or something. Eventually a bunch of people get kickboxed, including the new actor playing Po (a Tunisian wearing yellowface) but Po somehow escapes both the film and the franchise.

Kickboxer 5 features Cousin Cody being murdered via newspaper headline, and then Some Guy (Mark Dacascos, the Some Guy of DTV action films) is the new Kickboxer, and he kickboxes South Africans who wish they were as cool as the South African villains in Lethal Weapon 2.

In conclusion, Free South Africa, you dumb son of a bitch!

Lethal Weapon 2

It’s just been revolked!

Godzilla Marvel 20 The Doom Trip

Weinsteins giving us English language remakes of Come Drink With Me and The Avenging Eagle

Chang Pei-Pei come drink with me

Welcome to a world where we suddenly get English language remakes of the classic Shaw Brothers features Come Drink With Me (大醉侠) and The Avenging Eagle (冷血十三鹰), complete with “international casts”. Yep, it’s THIS world! Weinstein Co. is teaming up with Celestial to bring us remakes no one was asking for.

The fact that Shaw Brothers films are being remade isn’t really what I have an issue with (heck, Shaw remade films all the time, Come Drink With Me has been sort of redone as a tv series!) It’s the fact they are being made entirely as an international focused feature instead of telling a good story first and worrying about box office second. Telling clues like “preliminary thought is to have international casts for both pictures,” give away their plan.

This is the further evolution of the Editing for China model that movies have been doing – producing content specifically designed for China. In fact, I would wager these films will be budgeted so that they become profitable entirely on Chinese box office alone. I really don’t think they will find a real audience in the US beyond special screenings/limited releases. The announcement hints more titles are in development, though these two will be the testing ground. Everything depends on who is cast. I will also expect that the film’s marketing in the US will try to play up the Quentin Tarantino connections as he likes these films (and was even attached as the director of a remake of Come Drink With Me waaaaaay back in 2007!)

What is odd is the target audience in the US includes the types of people who will be mad that these are being remade! Luckily, the exact titles are obscure enough for a fan who just buys the occasional martial arts film, but those that live and breath Asian cinema are far less likely to be pleased. That vague “international casts” thing means we might have random white people wandering around Ancient China. Or it will just be a Man with the Iron Fists redux, in which case enjoy losing lots of money, Weinsteins!

John Fusco is attached to write both the scripts, he wrote the Young Guns movies and is writing the Crouching Tiger sequel. Fusco is a black belt in Shaolin Kung Fu and is friends with Jet Li, so he’s not a complete unknown to the world of martial arts.

Full text of the announcement:

New York, NY – July 23, 2013 – The Weinstein Company (TWC) and Celestial Pictures Limited (Celestial Pictures) announced today that they are partnering on remakes of two classic 1970s martial arts titles: THE AVENGING EAGLE and COME DRINK WITH ME. Both original films are part of the renowned Shaw Brothers library, the largest Chinese-language feature film library in the world. The two films with TWC will mark Celestial Pictures’ first English-language martial arts remakes of Shaw Brothers’ films. Harvey Weinstein and David Thwaites will be producing; John Fusco, who is also set to pen the screenplay for the upcoming sequel CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON II: THE GREEN DESTINY, is confirmed to write both projects.

In the thriller THE AVENGING EAGLE, a cabal master known as King Eagle raises orphans to be his own personal thugs in an outlaw band called The Thirteen Eagles – The Assassins Of The Iron Boat Clan. One of the orphans decides to rebel and strike out on his own, leading the rest of the group to want him dead. He joins up with a mysterious warrior and proceeds to take down King Eagle. The original film, directed by Sun Chung, was released in Hong Kong in 1978, winning awards such as “The Most Outstanding Actor” (Ti Lung) at the Asian Film Festival and “Best Editing for Drama” (Chiang Hsing-loong) at The Golden Horse Awards.

A ruthless band of thugs kidnap a young official as hostage to exchange for their captured leader in COME DRINK WITH ME. The prisoner’s sister, highly skilled martial artist Golden Swallow, is sent to free him. Although she is able to handle the overwhelming odds, she is hit by a poison dart, and needs help from a beggar who is really a Kung-Fu master in disguise. With his help, she forms a plan to get her brother back. The original film was directed by King Hu, who is best known for directing various wuxia (Kung-Fu) films in the 1960s and 1970s. This was his first success and remains a classic of the wuxia genre, catapulting the then 20-year-old starlet Cheng Pei-pei (CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON) to fame. The original film, released in Hong Kong in 1966, participated in various film festivals such as New York Film Festival, Festival de Cannes and Tokyo International Film Festival.

Said TWC Co-Chairman Harvey Weinstein: “Shaw Brothers and Sir Run Run Shaw were responsible for ushering some of the first great, legendary Asian filmmakers and acting talent onto the world stage. It’s an exciting opportunity to be bringing new life to these two classic films and taking them into the global market with Celestial Pictures.”

“Audiences in Asia and indeed the world over have enjoyed classic titles from the Shaw Brothers library for decades,” commented Ralph Marshall, Director of Celestial Pictures. “With Harvey Weinstein and TWC, we have the best possible partners to reinvent THE AVENGING EAGLE and COME DRINK WITH ME for a new generation. With further productions in development, and the imminent release of library titles globally on digital platforms, Celestial Pictures will continue to showcase its rich, enthralling and iconic stories and characters in new and innovative ways”.

The deal for THE AVENGING EAGLE and COME DRINK WITH ME was negotiated by David Glasser for TWC with Kristen Tong for Celestial Pictures.

Secret Lives

Secret Lives

Secret Lives

Secret Lives
2010
Written by ???
Directed by Austin Brooks

Secret Lives

Grey Poupon jokes forever!


As we’ve seen time and time again, one of the major story types of softcore films are murder mysteries. These plots help gives softcore some pulp street cred (erotica is a long-standing pulp tradition) as well as adding danger elements to help make the films more exciting. Many of the films are essentially episodes of detective shows, modified for the personality of the lead and given sequences that would make NYPD Blue blush. Mainline Releasing/ MRG Entertainment has a slew of them, so Secret Lives will become an example case.

Secret Lives goes along at a leisurely pace, a type of realistic storytelling that shows us characters walking the whole way through buildings, having long conversations and monologues, and seems more of a play expanded to film and then stuffed with padding to justify the sets and stock footage. But weirdly enough, that sort of makes it feel more real, that these characters who are part of this fantasy sex world have to deal with some of the same problems that everyone faces. And our heroes are no angels, they endanger their case and their jobs and even their lives, saved by the fact the killer seems to have left her mind far behind

Secret Lives

Agave??? Give me the rat poison!


Also there’s lots of wang in this movie. Which is good for softcore, even if it’s not my thing, because there are couples that watch these film, even if it isn’t the target audience. And it’s cool to toss the ladies or gay men a few “bones” now an then, even if it is only soft bones. People who have a problem with that probably have their own

We’re led to believe that Kenzie is the main character from the beginning, but we actually follow Detective Mick Ferguson around for most of the film. The “secret lives” hinted by the title only makes sense if you view the relationship of the main characters – which they try to keep hidden to protect their career and cases – as a sort of secret life. But it’s not really that secret, and by the end they just realize hiding things will just leave to problems. The big flaw is there is no real resolution. Kenzie and Mick commit to staying together, but even though we know who the murderer is, things are left to offscreen characters to find the evidence and save the day.

Secret Lives features stylized flashbacks, including several long sex sequences. An effort is made to keep the viewer from being confused while still running through the checklist of things required for softcore cinema. The pacing is something that may put people off, but it lends Secret Lives a bit of distinction in my eyes. Secret Lives throws some expected ideas out the window while still delivering other common tropes, a creative mix that is welcome in an environment that can grow stagnant.

Detective Mick Ferguson (Brendan Connor) – Police detective who is trying to balance his love life with his job, a special problem now that his one night stand turned possible girlfriend turns out to be the new Assistant District Attorney, Kenzie. Detective Ferguson must also solve the murder of model Ashley Taylor. Brendan Conner also stars in Alien Sex Files 3: Aliens Gone Wild
Kenzie (Beverly Lynne) – The new Assistant District Attorney, who gets off to a bad start possibly compromising cases and having inappropriate relationships. Then she goes and interviews suspects without saying what she’s doing. Kenzie used to be a model – which paid for law school – and lived in the house Ashley was murdered in with Diana Marks. Beverly Lynne has been in a ton of films featued on TarsTarkas.NET.
Diana Marks (Krissy Lynn) – The roommate of murder victim Ashley and constantly arguing with her. Has been a model for a long long time. Is only mostly crazy. Krissy Lynn also stars in She’s So Anal
Ashley Taylor (Angelica Saige as Angelica Sage) – The murdered girl, she appears in various flashbacks, usually yelling at people or having sex. The mix of passions spells her doom. Angelica Saige starred in Go Hostagettes!
Jason Tillman (Chris Johnson) – Ashley’s boyfriend, he left the apartment before she was murdered, but as she was killed by poison, can’t be ruled out because he may have poisoned her before he left. Was constantly dealing with Ashley’s jealousy. Chris Johnson also starred in Grand Theft Auto: XXX Parody
Lady Cop (Mell Flynn) – Cop on the scene at the murder that gives Ferguson the rundown. Mell Flynn was also in an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
Dean Foss (George McFadden) – Weird art photographer and Diana’s boyfriend. Is creepy, but that’s just a red herring (like communism!) According to IMDB, he’s been in nothing else, which means this is probably not the name he’s usually credited under.
Secret Lives

Completely hidden by her camouflage!