Angel Warriors

Angel Warriors (Review)

Angel Warriors

aka 鐵血嬌娃 aka Five-Star General aka 五星上將 aka The Five aka 5星上將
Angel Warriors
2013
Written by Fu Huayang and Xu Shalang
Directed by Fu Huayang


Break out the pillows, because Angel Warriors will cure your sleep disorders. In fact, you might find yourself reflecting at how you are wasting your brief time here on planet Earth watching something that’s a complete mess of a film. But maybe you’ll then be motivated to go out and achieve something, lest watching Angel Warriors end up your final act.

Angel Warriors

This lady finds more tiger cubs before 6 AM than you do ever!


Angel Warriors began life as Five-Star General, which we actually reported on in 2011, though it sounded completely different and I didn’t even realize this was the same film! But true to my word, I checked it out and now regret saying I would look into it. The two year turnaround to get a release hints at the problem the completed film had. And there are a lot of problems. It is time to address them in list format, because that is efficient, and we’re all about efficiency at TarsTarkas.NET, a site that regularly has rambling reviews that never get to the point. Wait a minute, ignore that last part!
Angel Warriors

I dare you to lick it!


Cinematic Crimes Angel Warriors is guilty of:
Angel Warriors

Just call me Powerglove because I’m so bad!

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow S01E11 – “The Vessel”

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Turn around, bright eyes!


Sleepy HollowThe Vessel
Story by Mark Goffman and David McMillan
Teleplay by Melissa Blake
Directed by Romeo Tirone
Vessel Sleepy Hollow Lyndie Greenwood

Jenny Mills could win the war of apocalypse and still have time for breakfast!


Sleepy Hollow returns (finally!) for the first episode of 2014, and the last lone hour episode before the two-hour season finale next week! We continue the story straight out of Fallen, with a demon jumping between bodies and threatening Captain Irving and his daughter, Macey (Amandla Stenberg). Then things get horror movie crazy, but not before some cute character moments and Jenny Mills, kicking butt.

The Vessel asks what would you do to protect the people you love, especially if there was a crazy demon chasing after them? It becomes a recurring theme through the episode, as Captain Irving goes to extraordinary lengths to protect his daughter Macey, who is specifically threatened by the body-jumping demon, Ancitif(an actual demon) There is new revelations about Jenny Mills, who was also a possession target for the demon (as hinted in her first appearance), as we discover that she often would commit crimes in order to be incarcerated so she wouldn’t hurt Abbie while possessed. It’s an extreme form of sisterly love, one Abbie wasn’t even aware of (as Jennifer correctly deduced that Abbie wouldn’t have believed her, anyway.) But once Ichabod tells her, the healing process between the sisters is swiffened.

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Pleased to meet you, don’t you know my name?


One thing Sleepy Hollow has been doing a lot of is using familiar cinema scenes in order to set the tone for certain characters and events. This episode has a glaringly obvious example as parts copy Fallen and parts copy The Exorcist (and related knockoffs!) An argument could be made that producers Orci and Kurtzman have a history of stealing iconic scenes in films to use for their own, most glaringly when used in Star Trek Into Darkness. The difference between the STID use and things happening in Sleepy Hollow, is STID was a transparent attempt to use nostalgia to make up for lack of actual characterization/plot/everything that is essential in telling a story. In Sleepy Hollow, things like Jenny’s introduction being a copy of Sarah Conner in Terminator 2 is a shortcut to let the audience know she’s a complete badass. Jenny’s arc then goes in its own direction, with her character’s tone already established. In Vessel, when things switch over to The Exorcist, an effort is made to make the result play out differently, even subverting an iconic effect.

I actually like when the show references films, because it’s not relying on them to provide the entertainment. The entertainment comes from Ichabod struggling to fit in with modern society. It comes from Abbie coming to grips with her destiny and making amends with her sister. It comes from Captain Irving dealing with his family issues while also holding back the apocalypse in what he thought would be a stress-free assignment. It comes from crazy demon scares and monsters that have their own agendas despite being part of a greater war. It comes from Ichabod’s struggle to save his wife while dealing with everything he knew about her being a lie (and discovering he had a son he never knew!) Sleepy Hollow provides all this, and more. It’s consistently diverse, not filled with token minorities, but characters who are rich and developed. The makeup of the cast of Sleepy Hollow reflects modern America, and it does so without pomp and circumstance, it just IS. And it’s great. I’m still amazed Sleepy Hollow became my favorite new show of the season, and amazed at how it just blows Agents of Shield away.

Vessel Sleepy Hollow

Kissy-kissy!


Captain Irving’s paranoia from last week results in one of the possessed threateners being questioned at a lie detector, where he professes to have no idea what is going on. Another witness shows up, who is the current host of Ancitif. Thus, the demon is now jumping around the police station, and calls Irving on his phone to demand the George Washington Bible, or Macey’s gonna get it!
Vessel Sleepy Hollow

He’s seen Carrie Underwood’s The Sound of Music, and he’ll never be the same!

Seymour Skinner Endgame Simpsons

Endgame – James Frey makes millions ripping off ideas!

Endgame Simpsons

And so we enter… endgame!


James Frey is back in the news because Fox has optioned his upcoming book series Endgame. If the name James Frey is vaguely familiar to you, that’s because you might recognize him from:

A- Being the author of A Million Little Pieces, a fabricated account of James Frey’s life on drugs that was championed by Oprah, until she found out he was a liar. Then he was confronted by Oprah on a very special episode.

B- The “author” of I Am Number Four and related books, which was turned into a forgettable movie that maybe broke even, but certainly didn’t set the movie world afire.

C- The word “author” above is in quotes because James Frey is actually the head of Full Fathom Five, which is basically a YA fiction writing sweatshop, where ghostwritten YA novels are pushed out with pseudonyms on the cover.

“His” new book series Endgame is totally not The Hunger Games:

“In a world similar to Earth, there are 12 bloodlines, or races. Each bloodline has a champion between the ages of 13 and 17 who is trained as a warrior and is always ready to do battle. When they turn 18, the teen warrior behind them gets promoted. This has been the case for hundreds of years, but no one remembers why — they’re always ready for some sort of battle to take place, but it never does. But the tradition continues. And then one day they’re called to fight, and all the bloodlines but the winners will be exterminated. They’re fighting to be the last race.”

Why anyone would think that sound just like another popular film franchise is a complete mystery to me. It’s Racial Genocide: The YA Adventures!

He got $2 million for this. $2,000,000!!! Might I remind you book stores are overflowing with YA books that are far less direct ripoffs than The Hunger Endgames.

Speaking of mysteries, Google is mysteriously involved in this book to film deal. Exactly how, no one knows. It is a mystery, a Google Mystery.

via Deadline and LATimes

BFM Big Furry Monster Magic

Magic: The Gathering taps the movie franchise fever!

BFM Big Furry Monster Magic

But will they get Mana Burned? (Yes, that got errataed away, I’m Old School Magic!) Magic: The Gathering is optioned to become a flick now. If you recall, Wizards of the Coast is owned by Hasbro now, and Hasbro is turning all their stuff into movies. And The Hobbit is making lots of money, therefore Magic will become a movie. The goal is to turn it into a huge franchise and make billions of dollars at the box office, and probably billions of other dollars through increased sales of Magic: The Gathering.

The cards have a huge back story of all sorts of cool events to pull from, which means they’ll probably ignore it all and instead just graft references upon some existing but terrible script. Seriously, the Brother’s War, the Yawgmoth cults, Fallen Empires, the Weatherlight, Time Spiral, Goblin Bowling Teams, the existing books, countless lore on cards and artwork. It’s got a hugely rich history and literally any sort of entry point you need to make all sorts of stories. But at least we’ll get to make jokes about “tapping”, even though Coors Light beat everyone decades ago with Tap the Rockies.

20th Century Fox is the studio we can all blame, and Simon Kinberg is going to be the producer behind it all. We got our eyes on you! Don’t make me break out the Lightning Bolts, I don’t care if they’re banned. I’m Old School Magic!

via THR

Muppets Most Wanted

Muppets Most Wanted – Outrage Trailer


Muppets Most Wanted is killing it with the twitter trailers, slicing down the Golden Globes and studio advertizing in the subverted way only the Muppets are brave enough to do. Which is sad, really, but hooray for the Muppets and hooray for trailers and fake Twitter accounts and me posting everything they release because I love the Muppets! If only I could click that link, I need to make $2000 while staying at home. It would be cool…

Fans across the internet are outraged that Muppets Most Wanted wasn’t nominated for over 247 awards. See some of the chatter in this new video and see Muppets Most Wanted, coming to theaters March 21.

Links Complex

Hey, it’s about time I put up a new wall of links. In fact, I had so many that I had saved in various drafts I combined several together for this entry, and will get a separate entry that is links to cool posts on movie blogs later in the week. Learn from me and finish your articles! But let’s get on with the show…

**An awesome graphic about gender inequality in film. Especially relevant since this is the first time in forty years a female-lead movie was tops at the box office.

**Can it be December already so I can watch the new Jiang Wen movie? Gone with the Bullets (一步之遙) will be the followup to Let the Bullets Fly, which was spectacularly awesome. Jiang stars along with Ge You, Shu Qi, Wang Zhiwen, Wen Zhang, and Zhou Yun, and the plot involves a beauty pageant.

**In yet another short gets optioned into a feature film news, Beyond has been optioned by SyFy. Beyond was created by Raphael Rogers, who wrote and directed it on a budget of $1000. Beyond is about a woman who can teleport across space and time, and is the last of her family.

You can watch Beyond here, it is less than 9 minutes long.

**Everyone’s favorite mobile game that’s just the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark will hit the big screen, where hopefully it will be more than just 90 minutes of the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Temple Run becomes the latest of small scale games to get a movie option (preceded by Angry Birds), thanks to Warner Bros., who are increasingly desperate to find a new franchise to milk. Speaking of which, I need to rewatch Raiders of the Lost Ark….

**South African thriller iNumber Number will get an American remake by Universal. No word yet on if writer/director Donovan Marsh will be involved. iNumber Number is about an honest cop who goes bad after being cheated out of a promotion. Soon he has bigger problems when the gang he robs wants revenge.

**I am very excited about the Flawed Dogs animated movie, based on the books by Berkeley Breathed, specifically The Shocking Raid on Westminster.
Flawed Dogs

**Nickelodeon will bring us a film called Boogeymen, where a kid teams with the Boogeyman to investigate paranormal activity. I guess it’s sort of like that old Fred Savage movie Little Monsters, except they do Scooby-Doo stuff instead of just act silly. Boogeymen is based on a pitch from John Sullivan, and Howard Deutch will direct. Howard Deutch directed Pretty in Pink and several random sequels: The Odd Couple 2, Grumpier Old Men, and The Whole Ten Yards

**I’ve been arguing this for years, nice to see it getting some actual attention. It is possible you are made up of more than one genome, due to absorbing other genomes in the womb. It’s a type of chimerism that turns out to be a lot less rare than previously thought.

**From Pyongyang to Mars: Sci-fi, Genre, and Literary Value in North Korea

**Mel Gibson, Taylor Lautner and the 20-Year Effort to Make a ‘Stretch Armstrong’ Movie

**The Adventures of Pete and Pete is back (sort of) in podcast form!

**The MPAA, RIAA, and various ISPs have come up with their own “downloading is bad” school curriculum for California. A bit of advice: unless this crap is on the state exams, no teacher is going to bother. Though I wouldn’t put it past one of those “charter” schools after the MPAA gives them a sizable donation. Because they’re greedy cesspools.

**The awesome story of young Russian WWII heroine Zinaida Portnova

**Explore hundreds of old movie magazines for free thanks to Lantern/The Media History Digital Library! Say goodbye to your free time!

**After the Cinema of Disgust – A close reading of the renegade New Wave of Tamil Cinema

**Remember in The Wizard of Oz when Scarecrow had a gun?

**Air Bud is real!

**Jon Sorensen – Personal recollections and impressions of working on Alien

**The Great Lester proves even a dummy can go to jail!
The Great Lester