Yes, there is a movie called Firehead! I was as surprised as you, and I generally know about these things so it takes a lot for a title to surprise. But Firehead exists, and it stars some guy and Jack Lemmon’s son and looks godawful. Which means the RiffTrax must be amazing! Find out today!

You know you’re in for a treat when we were considering starting this description, “When an Estonian cyborg defects to America…”

This Estonian cyborg, as you’ve come to expect from Estonian cyborgs by this point in time, is the ultimate killing machine. Played by The Actor You Get When Reb Brown is Making Something Even Crappier, he possesses the devastating ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes! For this reason he is called LaserEyes. Er, The Blinkinator. Maybe Cyclops from X-Men. No, it was Firehead! He’s called Firehead, since he can shoot fire lasers from his head eyes.

Who’s the most suitable man to track down Firehead and ensure that he doesn’t go on a rampage? Did you say Chris Lemmon, son of screen legend Jack? Of course you didn’t. Did you know he existed? Well, have you ever seen someone really commit themselves to a terrible Jack Lemmon impression? Right, of course you haven’t. But take our word for it, Chris makes a strong case that the true villain of this movie is Hollywood Nepotism.

Actually, the real villain is a shadowy organization known as The Upper Order, which plots the beginning of World War III from a rented conference room at the airport Ramada. They are led by another legend, Oscar winner Christopher Plummer, who was having so much fun that he brought along fellow Oscar winner Martin Landau. Rumor has it they almost convinced Orson Welles to come along too, but he wanted to spend his twilight years pursuing dignified, artistHAHA! We almost made it through that sentence!

Join Mike, Kevin and Bill, all Estonian defectors themselves, as they riff LaserEy Firehead!

RiffTrax is back (bax?) with another VOD feature, Dr. Who and the Daleks. The true story of how Peter Cushing was Dr. Who and fought those robots that look like mailboxes with plungers on them. This is the perfect film to play for that guy who keeps talking about how the new Dr. Who series is totally cool, because after that he’ll leave you alone. Dr. Who and the Daleks will bring one thing, and that’s quiet time! Maybe you will even have enough quiet time to watch all the RiffTrax VODs you have fallen behind on watching, much like me. Not all of us have a time traveling phone booth to give us more time to watch movies. Yet.

Available at RiffTrax.com!

ATTENTION, WHOVIANS! (For the uninitiated, that is not something Jay-Z yells at the beginning of a song, it’s a name for Doctor Who fans)

Before Matt Smith, before David Tennant, before Christopher Eccleston, before even the scarf and afro guy, there was Peter Cushing. Well, not before, exactly, because this feature-length movie isn’t a canonical part of the Doctor Who universe or storyline. So it’s sort of more adjacent, than before. It’s nearby, if nothing else. Approximate, at least. Like, Dr. Who is in it! But instead of a mysterious Timelord alien, he’s kind of just a confused human grandpa with the last name Who. But he does have a TARDIS! Of course, instead of a disguised alien craft it’s just, like, this junky thing he made with his granddaughter. Oh yeah, he hangs out with his granddaughters. Yeah. But then they travel through space and fight the most classic Dr. Who bad guys of all, the Daleks! Of course, in this imagining of Dr. Who, the Daleks are just some dopey trashcan looking guys with plungers sticking out of ‘em that talk funny — oh, that’s how they still are? Seriously?? PERFECT! IT’S CANON AFTER ALL!

So no matter how much you know, don’t know, or don’t want to know about Dr. Who, this movie will fill your needs. Plus, the RiffTrax itself is totally canon, and an official part of the Mike, Kevin, and Bill timeline (unlike that regrettable one-off TV special, “RiffTrax goes to Hawaii”, which shall never be spoken of again). Exterminate Dr. Who and the Daleks today!

Why do I like these RiffTrax VODs? Is is because all I need to do is write up a paragraph and then copy/paste a whole bunch? Is it because they are a good deal and varied enough that there is bound to be something you are interested in? Nope, it’s because they’re are damn funny! So I’ll keep writing about them until that stops happening. Even though I’m way behind on catching up on these. But that’s the kind of problems I want to have. Too much good stuff. Speaking of good stuff, Psycho was some good stuff. Psycho II…not so much. But then, I did like Psycho IV, the one where he calls into a talk radio station. So if you can’t get enough of the Bates Motel tv series and want to see something similar but vastly inferior, grab yourself some Psycho II, turn on the shower, and let Mike, Bill, and Kevin make you kill yourself with laughter.

Turns out hilarious re-imaginings of classic Hitchcock movies aren’t just for James Nguyen! They even dug up the original Norman Bates (aka, Anthony Perkins, you may know him from his other work in just kidding, obviously, just kidding) and his momma (quite literally) for this one! Not to mention the Motel and roadside homestead, and even the iconic shower scene! Because, when you see a timeless thriller beloved by millions, the thing you want most is to follow it with a sequel 22 years later that pays homage by just whizzing all over it in every way possible.

Norman gets released home to his family crime scene with some help from psychiatrist Robert Loggia, who’s tough and cool as always, but utterly inept as a psychiatrist. Despite the fact that Norman’s killing spree would’ve made national news, with college kids wearing ironic t-shirts of him in his mother’s dress by now, very few folks in his sleepy hometown seem to remember him at all. And those that do are eager to give him a job, or, in the case of Meg Tilly, go back to his home and spend the night, just for funsies. Only Dennis Franz (and, presumably, his bare bottom) is suspicious of the man who IS STILL OBVIOUSLY INSANE. But hey, who knows, maybe Norman’s fine now? JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, JUST KIDDING, HE’S STILL NUTS AND TELLS THEM SO HIMSELF MULTIPLE TIMES.

Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for Psycho II, and turn the crank on Hitchcock’s grave one more time!

That’s right, the Shatner jokes are right off the bat, because this RiffTrax will be filled to the brim with them! The newest RiffTrax VOD is Kingdom of the Spiders, and it’s one I’ve actually seen, but long ago back in the days of watching films on the local UHF station! So long ago I barely remember anything except it was weird and Captain Kirk never met up with Mr. Spock, which annoyed me as a child who was unaware that actors played roles and not themselves. And by child, I mean last week… Damn you, Kirk!

Captain Kirk. T.J. Hooker. Twilight Zone plane guy. Johnny Legal (presumably his name on Boston Legal, didn’t bother to check).The Dad Who Says Sh*t. All great characters, sure, but William Shatner will always be best known for one role, and one role alone: RACK. Rural veterinary doctor Robert “Rack” Hansen, of course, he of the inexplicable nickname, fondness for cowboy hats, and habit of hitting on his brother’s widow by saying he’d like to “milk her.” A lesser man would’ve stopped with Rack, his legacy complete. Such a great, internationally beloved part, it’s a testament to Shatner’s skill as an actor that he’s escaped its shadow, the Kingdom of the Spiders conventions and catchphrases and reboots, and become known for more than just Rack. RACK. Rack. No seriously, he has people call him Rack and he thinks he’s a sexy cowboy. Rack.

Animals and people are dying of spider venom in Rack’s sleepy Arizona town, and when he and a foxy out-of-towner discover a gigantic hill of venomous spiders on a local farm they somehow don’t immediately make the connection, burn it down, and end the movie. What unfolds is a creeping, ridiculous, town-destroying horror, packed with more real live tarantulas than the basement home of that spooky pale guy who sold drugs outside your high school.

Rack up, put on your spider-stompiest shoes, and join Mike, Bill, and Kevin in the Kingdom of the Spiders!

And if you feel the need for some shorts, the exciting drunk driving scare film The Day I Died will keep you from drunk driving ever, because you’ll kill yourself!

They finally gone and did it. They finally RiffTraxxed The Apple, the finest piece of crazed cheese this side of the Muenster Asylum! Yes, the crazy will never stop, as we got a disco version of The Book of Genesis! IF you haven’t seen this, there is really no way to properly explain it. You must watch it! The Apple is entertaining enough without the RiffTrax commentary, but I shall bet this pushes it to a whole new level. It’s gone to the top of the list of RiffTrax VODs I need to get around to watching (sorry, Viva Knievel!) If only I had a time machine for all this time I need to watch all this stuff!

The year was 1980 and one trend was sweeping America! No, not that animated dancing cat from the Paula Abdul video. We admire you thinking outside the box, but jeez, you were off by like nine years. Reign it in a bit. We were talking about the nationwide fad of really crappy musicals!

Yes, 1980 brought us Xanadu, The Village People’s Can’t Stop the Music and of course the crown* jewel of them all: The Apple. Because what we needed at the start of Reagan’s America was the book of Genesis set to music.

The Apple tells the story of Alphie and Bibi, a pair of sweetheart musicians from Canada who make the Osmonds look like GG Allin. Alphie’s vaguely foreign-y accent and resemblance to sensei John Kreese do nothing to slow them down as they ascend the ladder to stardom. Of course, they have a little assistance from Mr. Boogalow of the sinister BIM Corporation, which is at times a record company, an oppressive totalitarian regime and the producer of a reality singing TV show (listed in order from least despicable to most.) Forgot the name BIM already? Do not worry, there is a solid ten minutes of the movie where people shout it at you while doing aerobics.

When Bibi is unable to resist the temptation and signs the record contract (GET IT???) she’s vaulted to superstardom, but at what cost? The answer appears to be not much for her. She’s actually doing pretty OK. Alphie on the other hand moves in with an elderly female landlord, as you do when times get rough. The real victims of Satan’s nefarious temptation appears to be the audience’s ear drums, which are assaulted with a variety of songs that are best described as Disco’s death rattle.

Mike, Kevin and Bill would love to stop and chat but they just got word that BIM is on the way. Why don’t you watch The Apple while they wait for him to get here.

*One of those cheap cardboard crowns you get at Burger King