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Catwoman
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Catwoman (Review)

February 7, 2005By

Catwoman


2004
Starring
Halle Berry as Patience Phillips/Catwoman
Benjamin Bratt as Tom Lone
Sharon Stone as Laurel Hedare
Lambert Wilson as George Hedare
Frances Conroy as Ophelia
Alex Borstein as Sally
Directed by Pitof

A movie destined to fail, 12 years after Michelle Pfeiffer starred as Catwoman in Batman Returns they finally crank out the spinoff. Except it’s not really a spinoff. We don’t know what it is, exactly, except painful. All of the Catwoman backstory from decades of DC comics is thrown right out, in favor os some multiple Catwomen throughout history garbage. I guess Pitof saw Catwomen of the Moon and decided he liked it. Or not. This movie was plagued with production premonitions of it’s terribleness. It took years to develop, and when Berry was finally signed, it looked like maybe there was something good going on. It was all lies and false hopes. The announcement they were ditching all Batman references was a bad sign, and then Catwoman was announced to not be Selena Kyle but instead the never heard of Patience Phillips. It wasn’t a complete wash yet….

Then the photos of the costume hit.

Godfather's Daughter
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Godfather’s Daughter (Review)

January 31, 2005By

Godfather’s Daughter

aka Godfather’s Daughter Mafia Blues aka Lit foh ching sau

1992
Starring
Yukari Oshima as Amy
Mark Cheng as Wai
Alex Man
Ken Lo as Kuyama

Slooooooow pacing, hackneyed plot, genre indecision, this movie has it all! What becomes finally a revenge movie spends most of the time jumping back and forth between a terrible Goodfellows ripoff to being Godfather, until the lazy writers get around to killing off enough characters that it’s revenge time. Luckily this movie seems to have as many names as genres it becomes, in addition to Godfather’s Daughter, The Godfather’s Daughter Mafia Blues, and Lit foh ching sau, it’s also called Flaming Love Enemy which is what the Chinese title translates into. The journey is frought with pain and suffering, and mindcrushing boredom. This movie could have used a team of whipmasters to speed up the pacing, as scenes draaaaaaaaaaaag like a cripple’s foot.

Wild Child 2
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Wild Child 2 (Review)

January 30, 2005By

Wild Child 2

aka Silk n’ Sabotage

1994

Starring

Julia Skiru (aka Julia Kruis) as Jamie
Stephanie Champlin as Lynn
Cherilyn Shea as Dagny
Darren Foreman as Micheal
Marshall Hilliard as Robert
Aline Kassman as Tracy

A genre of films that males are intimately familiar with is the late-night Cinemax (Skinimax) or Showtime movie. Plots are inconsequencial as the point of the movies are to have the actresses that star get naked as often as possible without the movie drifting into the porn zone. Acting skills are not required, beyond the ability to thrash around. In this vein, Silk n Sabotage was born. This is a film I remember watching when I was in high school on cable, and now it’s released on DVD, with a brand new title (Wild Child 2? I never even saw the FIRST Wild Child. Not that this film is related at all…) This film has the hallmarks of this genre: fake breasted blondes, full frontal nudity, goofy dispensable male characters, “boing” style sound effects, terrible 90’s rock, plots that could fit on a fortune cookie message, acting so wooden Geppetto carved it late one night, more padding than all the bras at a Junior High dance combined, and budgets of $37.

Tomb Raider
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tomb Raiders (Review)

January 27, 2005By

Tomb Raiders

aka Ba hai hong ying aka Avenging Quartet

1992
Starring
Cynthia Khan (Cynthia Luster) as Lisa
Yukari Oshima as Shoko
Moon Lee as Moon Lee
Michiko Nishiwaki as The Sister-in-law

This is called Tomb Raiders, despite the complete lack of tombs, lack of raiding, and lack of Lara Croft or Angelina Jolie. Any of those things would have helped this movie. In fact, Tomb Raiders is just a title repackage, as this was released under the name Avenging Quartet before, though that name is also misleading, as the women are not on the same side, and only two of them can be counted as avenging anything. At least they didn’t go with another Charlie’s Angels ripoff title, like many other movies some of these girls starred in.


Turist Omer Star Trek Turkish
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda (Review)

January 23, 2005By

Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda

aka Turist Omer in Star Trek aka Turkish Star Trek

1973
Starring
Sadri Alisik as Turist Omer
Erol Amac as Mister Spak (yes, Spak)
Cemil Sahbaz as Kaptan Kirk
Ferdi Merter as Duktur McCoy
Fusun (aka Fusun Olgac) as Uhura
Yilmaz Sahin as Scoty

More Turkish Shenanigans. Actually early Turkish film, from when ripping off American films had not been perfected. Yet this wholesale rip off of Star Trek not only has the honor of being the first Star Trek movie ever made, but features ripped off opening credits, ripped off music, ripped off sound effects. The Director went to the trouble of creating sets that look good enough you know what they are supposed to be despite the fact they probably cost eight cents on a six cents budget. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if an obnoxious dirty greasy Turkish guy was transported into the middle of the Star Trek episode The Man Trap then this is the movie for you. Too bad you are probably trapped in an asylum somewhere instead of free to track down Turkish films. Turist Omer is from a series of films involving said greasy cowboy hatted oaf encountering various wacky scenarios and hijinks ensue. The first Turist Omer dates to 1964, and he’s also been in Turist Omer dumenciler krali (1965 – no clue on the translation), and Turist Omer Almanya’da (1966 – Turist Omer in Germany). This was the last of the series that I am aware of, though I wouldn’t be surprised if there were thirty more entries that will never be seen again due to the state of Turkish film preservation (Which may be doing us a favor, as some of these films could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Imagine Osama bin Laden taking over the airwaves and sending us non-stop Turkish dramas? The horror is too great to imagine. Sadri Alisik is sadly no longer with us, taken before Turist Omer could invade the Star Wars universe.

Naked Weapon
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Naked Weapon (Review)

January 16, 2005By

Naked Weapon

aka Chek law dak gung

2002
Starring
Maggie Q as Charlene Ching
Anya Wu as Katherine
Almen Wong Pui-Ha as Madam M
Daniel Wu as Jack Chen

As a big fan of Naked Killer and similar fare, I was initially thrilled when it was announced that they would be remaking it, and that Wong Jing would be involved. Then it was announced it would instead be a “Naked Killer“-type movie, and I began to get a little worried. This formula is hard to do wrong, though, and Jing has been doing it for decades. OR so I thought. Instead, what could have easily been a great movie instead became a shining example of everything WRONG with Hong Kong cinema these days and explains why they are being surpassed by Korea and other places. Some of the many many problems will be addressed when they come up and others at the end.


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