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Invaders From Space
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Invaders From Mars (1986 – Review)

March 30, 2005By


Invaders From Mars


1986
Starring
Karen Black as Linda Magnusson
Hunter Carson as David Gardner
Timothy Bottoms as George Gardner
Jimmy Hunt as Police Chief
James Karen as General Mad Dog Wilson


A big budget remake of a science fiction almost classic. Yet, they made it worse. So worse. So much worse. The story is the same, but the kid is now an annoying whiner without a lick of sense, the plot moves slower, and the aliens are still goofy looking, just expensive goofy looking. There are a few, few things going for this movie. Very few.

Invaders From Space
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Invaders From Mars (1953 – Review)

March 29, 2005By


Invaders From Mars


1953
Starring
Jimmy Hunt as David Maclean
Helena Carter as Dr. Pat Blake, MD
Arthur Franz as Dr. Stuart Kelston
Morris Ankrum as Col. Fielding
Leif Erickson as George MacLean
Hillary Brooke as Mary MacLean


One of the first generation of 1950’s alien invasion movies. Almost a classic. Almost a failure. Almost
unforgettable. Almost Famous. Excuse me… This movie predates Invasion of the Body Snatchers, yet shares some of the same themes. Those themes seem to be paranoia and fear of Commies. Instead of dwelling on them, the movie changes course midstream and become a aliens kidnapping children and women movie, where the military might of the USA must destroy those dirty Martian Commies and make outer space safe to become the fifty-first state. The kid in this movie is one of the few non-annoying children in science fiction movies you will come across. That is a big plus, as science fiction children are the most annoying children ever to grace this planet of ours. I hope that the Earth is not judged one day by alien races that have only older science fiction movies as their sole source of information, they would destroy this planet before the second reel.


Robots movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Robots (Review)

March 21, 2005By

Robots


2005
Starring
Halle Berry as Cappy
Ewan McGregor as Rodney Copperbottom
Mel Brooks as Bigweld
Robin Williams as Fender
Greg Kinnear as Ratchet
Amanda Bynes as Piper


Let’s take a break from this Mars businesses to do a current movie. Robots is the new CGI film from Fox Animation. All CGI films are inherently superior to traditional animation, as evidenced by Pixar films. Except that statement is a lie, and believed only by morons. Pixar movies are popular thanks to good story telling, they could be animated by shadow puppets and they’d be blockbusters. This movie is mediocrity in action. After weeks of sitting through some cinema pre-show where the director starts yammering on about how he’s wanted to tell the story of Robots for a long time, I thought maybe it would have a good story. At least it would be visually interesting, right? And it was. Visually interesting, that is. The story is lame rehashing and zero character development.




Mission to mars
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Mission to Mars (Review)

March 14, 2005By


Mission to Mars


2000
Starring
Gary Sinise as Jim McConnell
Tim Robbins as Woody Blake
Don Cheadle as Luke Graham
Connie Nielsen as Terri Fisher
Jerry O’Connell as Phil Ohlmyer


Mission to Mars. It sounds like a great concept for a movie, people going to Mars and setting up a base, only to encounter aliens. Sure, it’s been done before, but this movie will strive to make it more realistic scientifically. Plus, it’s got a great cast, Tim Robbims, Don Cheadle, Gary Sinise, Jerry O’Connell, the chick from Gladiator…how can it fail?

On every level, that’s how!

Not only is much of the science in this movie bunk (biology taking the greatest beating,) but many of the actions of the characters are also suspect, to the point that you throw your shoe at the movie screen. Let’s not talk about the ending for now.

Santa Claus Conquers martians
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Review)

March 7, 2005By


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians


1964
Starring
John Call as Santa Claus
Leonard Hicks as Kimar
Vincent Beck as Voldar
Bill McCutcheon as Dropo
Pia Zadora as Girmar


First they came for the men. Then they came for the women. Now they have come for the sweetest plum of them all: Santa Claus! We got the original edition right here, not a Crow, Joel, or Tom Servo to be found. There is no Patrick Swayze Christmas here, it’s all pain. This is not the first MST3K film that I’ve seen without Joel/Mike and the bots (that honor goes to Alien from L.A.) but this is the worst I have seen without their protection. The thought that this movie is still being shown to children throughout the world as a Christmas classic is horrifying. I can only pray that the endless showings of A Christmas Story are enough to counter the effects here.




Mars Needs Women
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Mars Needs Women (Review)

March 5, 2005By


Mars Needs Women


1967
Starring
Tommy Kirk! as Dop
Yvonne Craig! as Dr. Bolen
“Bubbles” Cash! as Some Stripper
Directed by Larry Buchanan!


After Devil Girl From Mars taught us Mars had a war that killed off all the men, now we do a complete 180 and have a movie where Mars is short of the womenfolk. Here it’s a mutation instead of a war, but you can’t deny the Mars kidnapping theme. Mars craves abducting humans like a crack addict craves the sweet sweet rock. This wonderful treat stars Tommy Kirk, noted Oscar caliber actor. Wait, that should read noted “Best Bowler in Milan, Illinois” league actor. Tommy Kirk has made so many crappy movies if video tapes of all of them were stacked on top of each other you could climb to Mars yourself and see if they need men or women. He was also in Old Yeller, which means he has to be given some respect regardless of the career choices he had after Disney threw him out for being gay. The director of this film is a man I’ve come to know an love, Larry Buchanan. MST3K fans will remember him as the director of Attack of the the Eye Creatures (not a typo) that just didn’t care. Nor does he care here. Tommy Kirk is a million times the actor Buchanan is the director. Batgirl also joins the cast, as Mars Needs Batgirl as well. I could use a little Batgirl myself every now and then.

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