Do you want Search?
Random Post
Random Post
Search
  • Home
  • Category Archives: Movie Reviews
Search
Jason X
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Jason X (Review)

August 18, 2005By

Jason X


2000
Starring
Kane Hodder as Jason Voorhees/Uber-Jason
Lexa Doig as Rowan
Chuck Campbell as Tsunaron
Lisa Ryder as Kay-Em 14
Peter Mensah as Sgt. Brodski

Jason Voorhees returns for the tenth go around, this time, in space! Yes, in the grand tradition of Critters 4, Leprechaun 4, That one Hellraiser movie, Pigs in Space, and Dracula 3000, this horror franchise has to cut it’s teeth on the depths of space as well. And what lovely teeth they are. Teeth, that just look amazingly like Aliens. Heck, the screenwriter even named a character after a character from Alien, Dallas, who he played in this movie. Basically, we got Jason taking the place of facehuggers and tongue-stabbers. We get some neat bloody kills, some future technology jokes, a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously, a body count bigger than all the other films (I’m guessing the space station had a lot of people on it), a hot lead, Uber-Jason, lame puns, naked babes, and hot machete action. Let’s dive in!

Death Warrior
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Death Warrior (Review)

August 10, 2005By

Death Warrior

aka Ölüm savasçisi

1984
Starring
Cüneyt Arkin as Inspector Kemal
??? as Evil Turkish Chuck Norris
??? as Turkish Oliver Hardy
??? as Exploding Iguana Woman

Cuneyt Arkin fights a gang of ninjas in this classic movie direct from Turkey! Cuneyt Arkin proves once again he is the king of Turkish cinema, in this non-stop Turkeywood marathon of action! When ninjas attack America, who do you call? That’s right, Turkey! What Turkey lacks on budget they try to make up for with pumping the film full of gratuitous blood and murder, with lots of fighting action. This film is part of the fine Turkish tradition of being ridiculously over the top and yet, oh, so appealing. Subtitles are not needed to enjoy this masterpiece, which is part of the fun. Knowing the little details would just distract us from the “wow” factor. Cuneyt Arkin is just as action star spectacular in Death Warrior as he was in Turkish Star Wars. Over the top is rarely this fun!

Hell of the Living Dead
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Hell of the Living Dead (Review)

August 5, 2005By

Hell of the Living Dead

aka Virus

1980
Starring
Margit Evelyn Newton as Lia Rousseau
Franco Garofalo as Zantoro
Selan Karay as Max
Directed by Bruno Mattei

Low budget Italian Xerox copy of Dawn of the Dead, except this machine is out of toner and keeps giving a “PC Load Letter” error. Large portions of this film are just completely ridiculous, and I’m not talking about the fact the dead is rising to eat the living. If I were to take out the stock footage, the film would be around twenty minutes long. The long scenes are made even longer by their consistent slow motion state. Why bring attention to the stock by dragging it out and separating it from the rest of the inane film? Italy is known for making low budget rip offs of US films, especially around this time when they were pumping out hundreds of films, most of which had quick lives if they even made it to theaters before they helped found the video cassette boom of the eighties. In this case, someone figured that if they took Dawn of the Dead and added a few cannibal scenes, they’d score two genres for the price of one! Instead, they got an incomprehensible mess that succeeds only in spectacular failure on all fronts. So put on a tutu and top hat, grab your cane, and get ready to live the Hell of the Living Dead!


Species 3
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Species III (Review)

July 18, 2005By

Species III


2004
Starring
Robin Dunne as Dean
Robert Knepper as Dr. Abbot
Sunny Mabrey as Sara
Amelia Cooke as Amelia
J.P. Pitoc as Hastings
Natasha Henstridge as Eve

Direct to Sci-Fi Channel? How could I lose? Natasha Henstridge made it big by being the alien desperately looking for Mr. Goodbar who just happened to be naked for 78.342193% of the movie. That was followed up by a movie where an Astronaut who went to Mars became an Alien Deuce Bigalow implanting women with exploding babies that reach birthing stage after a few seconds. Due to the quick work of Bubba Blue from Forrest Gump and the remade Natasha Henstridge Astronaut Jones became Astro-not Jones. However, just to show it wasn’t the end of the line, Species II made certain to leave an out. Actually, it left Three! We had one of the Village of the Damned-looking children survive, inside the army truck with dead Natasha, who’s stomach was growing because she was pregnant after death, and out number three involved a random cat that jumped on her stomach, punched around, and quickly ran off. So whatever writers tackled this legacy would have no problem coming up with some sort of plot device. Astoundingly, the writers still had to stretch to get the story rolling, despite it being set up perfectly and easily.

That 70s Girl
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

That 70’s Girl (Review)

July 10, 2005By

That 70’s Girl


2003
Starring
Misty Mundae as Petal
Julian Wells as Ashleigh
Kelli Summers (Suzi Lorraine) as Jennifer
AJ Khan as Mandy
John Link as Househunter

Misty Mundae has become synonymous with soft-core lesbian sex flicks that are spoofs of popular culture. Her and Seduction Cinema seem to pump out five or six a year, probably produced over a period of three days each. This one doesn’t even seem to have taken three hours to make. The pattern of goofy jokes followed by lesbian sex is fine in practice, but several times in this movie the jokes in between last one sentence, to be followed by fifteen minute long sex scenes that are played on quarter speed. The fact that Misty Mundae pumps out five of these a year, many with much better production values, jokes, and scenes of women aardvarking in groups of twos, threes, and eighty-sevens, hurts this film, and the fact it clocks in at under 50 minutes long is another strike. The charm of this film is if you find the hippie lifestyle and That 70s Show attractive enough that you want to see the Skinimax version.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (Review)

July 7, 2005By

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation


2004
Starring
Richard Burgi as Capt. V.J. Dax
Kelly Carlson as Pvt. Charlie Soda
Brenda Strong as Sgt. Dede Rak
Colleen Porch as Pvt. Lei Sahara
Ed Lauter as Gen. J. G. Shepherd
J.P. Manoux as TSgt. Ari Peck

The Bugs are Back, and this time they’ve got a plan! That plan? Crawl around and act stupid! Paul Verhoeven’s ridiculous adaptation of Heinlein’s Starship Troopers gets a low budget sequel put together by the special effects wizards who did the first film. Now, if you remove from your mind that the original is based on a pretty good book, the film suddenly becomes hundreds of times better, but is still an over satirized mess. Paul Verhoeven doesn’t bother with the sequel, I think he was working on another film with CGI Kevin Bacon penis or something. To save money, as this film had none, they spend most of it holed up in a bunker, and then do a lame representation of a different Heinlein book, The Puppet Masters. Unlike the last film, this one will neither be known for cheeseball graphic action nor coed showers.

Would you like to know more?

Older 
8384858687
 Newer