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Summer Lover

Summer Lover (Review)

Summer Lover

aka Xia ri qing ren

1992
Starring
Alfred Cheung Kin-Ting as Ting
Veronica Yip Yuk-Hing as Siu-Yuk
Vivian Chow Wai-Man as Liza
Loletta Lee Lai-chun as Janet
Max Mok Siu-Chung as Chung
Russell Wong as Zeniger
Directed by Clifton Ko Chi-Sum

A lovable loser meets the girl of his dreams, only she’s a spirit sent by magical VCD to obey his commands. This timeless tale hit the modern update, though it’s been played out in many media over the years. From genies in bottles to magic internet women, the story has been told many times before, and will be told many times after. This particular telling, though, is the one we are interested in. Summer Lover is not just an NC-17 late-night sex movie. In fact, there is little sex, though it’s in there. Most of the film is lighthearted comedy, in the vein of the early 1980’s teenager movies with the adult joke, aka the legion of bad Porky’s clones that dotted the 1980’s like beer cans on the side of the highway Sunday morning. Summer Lover‘s biggest difference is the particular method of the ladies. The women come out via magical VCD, a technology that’s getting phased out for DVDs. VCDs are huge in China and Asia, while VHS reigned supreme here in America. The women call themselves Laser Ladies, where in the US they’d be VHS Vixens, and now would be DVD Dolls. See, timeless!

This film is based on the Japanese Manga Video Girl Ai, which I have never read and have no intention of reading ever. I guess magazines where women come to life from VCDs is popular or something, but if Marvel ever put out something like that, it would probably almost sell as well as the New Universe titles. Anyone remember that? I was like 7, but I knew a bad decision when I saw one.

Our hopeless hero is Lifeguard Ting (Alfred Cheung), who is the total stereotype dateless guy. He’s got the bad hair, the big glasses, the bad job, and is a total klutz. Ting yearns for his love Liza (Vivian Chow), who he’s friends with but cannot get. Whenever Ting sees Liza, he bleeds, calling it the “Blood of Heroes.” Today is Ting’s birthday, but Liza cannot attend his party tonight. Ting’s friend is named Zeniger (Russell Wong), who is also Liza’s on again/off again man. Zeniger is a pretty boy, overshadowing his odd name. Ting has another friend named Chung, who is the movie’s horndog character. Ting’s party for the evening turns out to be just a tape for lonely guys that pretends to have a party going on. Ting’s friend Chung calls him up and wants to go looking for some “instant noodles” (aka prostitutes), but they end up going to a VCD store (aka a Laser Shop.) A magic VCD store (aka a Magic Laser Shop.) Run by a white guy. A magic white guy. You know he’s magical because he’s effeminate and is wearing a white long-haired wig. Luckily, he’s Cantonese fluent and can direct the two boys around, as he says the shop is specially made for brokenhearted people. Ting’s first impulse is to buy a Donald Duck VCD (which would have made a very odd sex movie….) but the manager directs the two lonely guys to the adult section. He gives them some special VCDs, each one featuring a different lady. Different magic ladies.

Undefeatable

Undefeatable (Review)

Undefeatable

aka Cui hua kuang mo

1994
Starring
Cynthia Rothrock as Kristi Jones
Don Niam as Stingray
John Miller as Nick DiMarco
Donna Jason as Jennifer Simmons
Sunny David as Karen
Emille Davazac as Anna
Hang Yip Yim as Hank
Linn Thai as Eagle Lee
Shelton Lee as Diablo
Scott Shelton as Bear
Directed by Godfrey Ho (as Godfrey Hall)

You burden me with your questions
You’d have me tell no lies
You’re always asking what it’s all about
Now listen to my replies
You say to me I don’t talk enough
But when I do I’m a fool

Baby, you’re so Undefeatable! The horror of Godfrey Ho is once again unleashed upon an unsuspecting world! Mr. Ho proves that not only can you not keep a good director down, you can’t keep the bad ones down, either! Godfrey Ho’s messes of movies involve filming lots of nonsensical scenes, splicing them into half a dozen uncompleted or cheap Asian films, and dubbing them in a futile attempt to make the stories integrated. Godfrey Ho made the occasional larger budget film, where he only filmed one film at a time and was unable to use stock movies. Undefeatable is one of those movies, but even though it was made for a larger company, he still made two films with most of the same case, though the Honor and Glory wasn’t intended to be interspliced (as far as I know.) This was near the end of the career of Godfrey Ho, as he since moved on to teaching a whole generation of Hong Kong film students how to make terrible films. And people wonder why Hong Kong cinema is in a decline… Godfrey Ho’s previous films include such winners as Ninja Commandments, Zombie vs. Ninja, Ninja Terminator, Ninja Operation: Licensed to Terminate, Catman in Lethal Track, and Thunder Ninja Kids: The Hunt for the Devil Boxer. With such a wonderful pedigree, this film can be nothing but gold!

Starring in Undefeatable is the unbeatable Cynthia Rothrock, in the role that didn’t make her famous. In fact, she was pretty much already famous, so this is the role that made her less famous! Most of the other cast went on to obscurity, though a high percentage also have roles in Honor and Glory. It looks suspiciously like Mr. Ho was up to his old tricks again, but got taken down in the final release stage. The villain of the piece is Stingray, played by Don Niam, in one of his few roles. He hams this one up perfectly, with crazy rape-eyes bugged out all the time, and a genuine creepy tone that can set the most relaxed person on Earth into unnerved fits. He goes over the top and it’s fairly entertaining. Luckily for us, as much of the rest of the picture isn’t. There is a procession of fights as Rothrock earns money for her sister’s schooling and later is trying to avenge her death, some of which are okay, and a few have gimmicky opponents. The main problem is everything between the fights and Stingray’s craziness. It’s whale barf of the slimiest order. Heck, there are people who would gladly eat that whale vomit instead of watch parts of this film. And I don’t blame them.

The final fight has made the rounds on the internet, giving this film a sort of cult buzz it never had before. It does serve as one of Rothrock’s crazier films, which is different from her trend of being in bad, boring movies with few action sequences, which seemed to plague the last ten years of her career. Thankfully, the choreography is in good use, even if it’s not the high-quality stuff we are looking forward too. The whole film is a mess, but like all messes, there is some good things hidden beneath the piles of crap. Let’s get to digging, as these piles are Mt. Everest size. Maybe even Mt. Vesuvius, as it’s gonna blow!

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq (Review)

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq

aka Kurtlar vadisi – Irak

2006
Starring
Necati Sasmaz as Polat Alemdar
Billy Zane as Sam William Marshall
Ghassan Massoud as Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Karuki
Gürkan Uygun as Memati Bas
Bergüzar Korel as Leyla
Kenan Çoban as Abdülhey Çoban
Erhan Ufak as Erhan Ufak
Diego Serrano as Dante, Sam’s assistant (aka Fauxhawk)
Gary Busey as Doctor
Directed by Serdar Akar

Now THIS is a controversial film!! It’s very existence lead to a flurry of fury on the blogosphere, which quickly sped to the TV pundits looking for things to scream about. The movie became super-hyped for three reasons: The US is portrayed as villains, a Jewish doctor steals organs, and actual American actors are involved. This quickly gained the film notoriety in the US, however it was already generating a huge buzz in Turkey. Besides being the most expensive Turkish movie ever made (though that’s kind of like being the tallest midget), it was a follow-up to one of the most popular TV programs in Turkey, Valley of the Wolves (Kurtlar vadisi), a Turkish drama about undercover cops in the mafia (which had notable American Guest Stars Sharon Stone and Andy Garcia.) It was confusing in the US press at the time what the connection actually was, but it turns out several of the main characters then make their way to Iraq to deal with insolent Americans. Make no mistake, the “Americans” in this film are a big pack of bad. Think of it as Muslim’s revenge for film after film with Muslim villains, such as True Lies and Midnight Express (which had a whole prison of Turkish horrors.)


American actors Billy Zane and Gary Busey are in this film. Zane stars as the villain Sam William Marshall, who dresses like he was on the way to be a villain in an Indiana Jones film who thinks he’s a Bond villain. As the main evil character, he helps organize the Americans’ in their shenanigans in Iraq, from putting Turkish troops in hoods to pumping hot lead into wedding parties. Gary Busey plays the most over the top character (well, of those too, there’s another American who’s even crazier!), a Jewish doctor who spends the movie removing organs from healthy innocent Iraqis picked up in raiding parties, for quick delivery to New York, Israel, and other places where Jewish people are. Busey’s concern for his victims exists only because he wants them alive when he chops them open. Several scenes happen where he’s yelling at people about the mistreatment of the captives, but it turns out only so he can have better victims. One may wonder why these two Americans are playing such ridiculous roles. Well, Billy Zane is hot of BloodRayne, while Busey actually moved up from work such as Gingerdead Man. Regardless, these controversial roles could backfire on them, but neither actor is such a box office draw that their name will decline sales. Most of their films are either direct to video, or should be. Turkish actor Necati Sasmaz is Polat Alemdar, the hero of Valley of the Wolves TV show. Originally, he was planning to move to the US< but his flight on September 11th ended up being canceled for obvious reasons, so he stayed in Turkey and then became a huge star. Ghassan Massoud plays the Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Karuki, and is probably best know for playing Saladin in Kingdom of Heaven.

The film itself presents several ideas, and is more complicated than simply a hit piece against America. In fact, the film seems to take a decidedly anti-violence tone. Several scenes attack radical Muslims just as other attack American occupiers. In the recap, we shall address such themes when they pop up, as well as trying to give an overall picture of what is going on. The film is very long, around two hours, and is full of incidents both based on reality and far from the realm of fiction. Well, we won’t get anywhere rattling on about the film, let’s experience it…

Brazilian Star Wars

Brazilian Star Wars

aka Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas aka The Tramps in the War of the Planets

1978
Starring
Renato Aragão as Didi (Hat Guy)
Dedé Santana as Dedé (Dirty Guy)
Zacarias as Zacarias (Black Guy)
Mussum as Mussum (Moe Guy)
Carlos Kurt as Zucco (Vader)
Pedro Aguinaga as Prince Flick (Luke)
Emil Rached as Bonzo (Chewie)

It’s Brazilian Star Wars! Yes, just like Turkish Star Wars, only much much worse. In fact, as Turkish Star Wars becomes a fun film after a spell, Brazilian Star Wars just becomes more and more painful. Noticeably, Brazil does not have a Cunyet Arkin. They don’t have a Harrison Ford, or even a Jabba the Hutt puppeteer. Not even the Wookiee Soft-core Porn and Bea Arthur of The Star Wars Holiday Special. They do have four annoying losers known as Os Trapalhões (aka The Tramps.) The problem with Os Trapalhões is Os Trapalhões. Os Trapalhões just plain sucks. The Tramps are like the Three Stooges, if the Three Stooges never made a funny film, did worse slapstick than a Fatty Arbuckle trial, and used “funny” video editing techniques to speed up or slow down their performance. The Tramps entertained a generation of young people in Brazil, and if you want to know how they turned out, just watch City of God. TarsTarkas.NET takes a brave stand by entering into this world of hopelessness, because we feel it’s our duty to guide you to the promised land on the other side. Our one true hope is this site doesn’t denigrate into a gang-ridden slum.

This film follows in the tradition of Turkish Wizard of Oz and Turkish Star Trek by inserting characters into a popular story. In this case, four characters are dropped into the middle of a “Star Wars”. The Tramps did several films like this, including versions of The Planet of the Apes and The Wizard of Oz. Sadly, we are dragged along for the ride. Os Trapalhões are four members: The one that has Moe’s haircut (Moe Guy), the one that’s a black guy (Black Guy), the one that’s dirty-looking (Dirty Guy), and the one that’s wearing a biker hat (Hat Guy, the main character). Hat Guy is the leader in this film. What are their real names? I could look that information up, but these guys are terrible and after finishing this recap I will be huffing several gallons of gasoline in order to damage my brain enough to forget this experience. I no longer trust repressed memories after Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. Okay, I lied, I looked up some of it. Hat Guy is really Didi, played by Renato Aragão, who’s second wife grew up watching him on TV. Dirty Guy is played by Dedé Santana (and is known as Dedé.) Black Guy is played by the actor Mussum. Moe Guy is Zacarias. The one good thing about this film is it’s lack of dialogue, which keeps you from having to try to decipher a complicated plot. The version I watched was subtitle-free, but the story is easy to figure out, even though most of the rest of the film is confusing beyond all means of describing. Brazil compensated by adding a revolting disco soundtrack, so the same few beats will repeat over and over again, increasing the torture. We won’t get anywhere by complaining, so let’s get cracking and enter the world of Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas. Break out your lightsabers, it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy ahead…

The Seniors

The Seniors (Review)

The Seniors


1978
Starring
DENNIS QUAID!!! as Alan Darby
Lou Richards as Steven Elliot
Gary Imhoff as Ben Adler
Jeffrey Byron as Larry Bronson
Rocky Flintermann as Arnold
Priscilla Barnes as Sylvia
Alan Reed as Professor Heigner

Ever wonder what 1970’s college sex comedies look like? You have? That’s odd, because really no one cares. Not one bit. This is the 21st Century, we are saturated with good sex films, mediocre sex films, terrible sex films, Skinimax, Showtime, HBO, the Internet, The Lion King, and Girls Gone Wild. Going down memory lane is a waste of time for our instant gratification society. Once you head down that path, you encounter junk like this that makes you wonder how people in the Seventies could watch such trash, until you remember everyone was on drugs. That also explains disco. The drugs. Seriously, just look at Staying Alive. They’re all high on cocaine. Cocaine would help with this film immensely. If you enjoy long drawn out plot filler (but little actual plot), sex scenes with little nudity (and not much sex), and long montages to terrible 70’s folk rock, then this movie is your holy shrine! This movie managed to be a beginning point for Dennis Quaid, while several other stars give swan songs or almost swan songs. Let’s not forget the nobodies who went no where. Most of them died undignified deaths such as being stabbed in a clamdigger bar or trampled by emus or by swallowing a Slinky. Just kidding, none of them ever swallowed a Slinky.

Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman (Review)

Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman

aka Teufelscamp der verlorenen Frauen aka The Angel and the Beasts aka Triangle of Lust

1977
Starring
Patricia Adriani as Susan Murphy
Bárbara Rey as Sophie
José Antonio Ceinos as Beardo
Miguel Ángel Godó
Manu as ???
Eric Wedekind as ???
José Luis Alexandre
Directed by Hubert Frank

From Germany we get a piece of cinema trash known by many names. Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman. The Angel and the Beasts. Triangle of Lust. They are all one and the same. And that same is exploitation junk. Luckily, the movie throws us a bone by delivering more full frontal nudity than you can shake a stick at. Even two sticks. I’d even go so far as to say you could shake 7 1/4 sticks at the full frontal nudity in this movie and still require more shaking. Plus, there is violence, biker gangs, airplanes, and an ending to confuse the bejesus out of you. Thanks to the wonders of dubbing, we get characters totally overacting, under acting, and sounding bored during dramatic moments. There is also a few lines that are so over the top they’re back down on the bottom again. It all combines to an odd combination, which fails to work on many levels. If there was no nudity, this would be one of the worst films of all time. Only because it’s specifically designed to be full of nudity is it safe for human eye consumption. Even then, it’s best to take it in doses, as a full amount could give you a lethal brain hemorrhage. TarsTarkas.NET will not be held responsible for any loss of brain cells after viewing the movie. Sit back, relax, and experience the ride, from the safety shield of the Recap Machine, as we warn you and future generations of the dangers of Terrifying Confessions of a Captive Woman.

The story of a woman who refuses to wear clothes and the couple she terrorizes begins during the opening credits. That’s basically what is presented, as a nice old rich couple is going about their day when a mirror is reflected into their condo. It’s being shined by their neighbor, a firm young early-twenties brunette who can’t be bothered to wear clothes. She’s actress Patricia Adriani, and is playing Susan Murphy, though we will never be told her name and I only got it from the back of a VHS cover. Most of these characters have no names, and IMDB is no help. Her clever plan to shine light into her neighbors’ condo seems to be paying off, as they are familiar with her shenanigans. Susan signs the number “three” in a subtle message to meet her at three. I hired a crack team of codebreakers to give you that information. They took a break from NSA spying on you, so hopefully we don’t get a terrorist attack in the next week or so. Tom is the name of the old man, he looks like Salvadore Dali bred with Pete Postlethwaite and created the ultimate 55 year old rich Italian. His wife disapproves of his method of meeting Susan. I guess Susan is too dense to notice that being blaringly obvious that you are communicating with a rich Italian guy isn’t the height of subtlety. The wife wants Susan out of the picture, and as she seems to be running the life of Tom, that’s what she’ll get.