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Deadly Target
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Deadly Target (Review)

September 29, 2008By

Deadly Target

aka Hong tian mi ling

1994
Directed by Godfrey Ho

In Manila, two female Hong Kong cops visit one’s cousin, only to find out he is an evil weapons dealer that targets them for death. They team up with supercop Eddie and take down their cousin as well as a bunch of other goons in a prime example of mid-90’s Hong Kong action films. We get lots of shootouts, lots of jumping stunts, kung fu mixed in the middle of gun battles, and things exploding all over the place. These films are miles beyond the current CGI/PG-13 garbage being spewed out by Hollywood, but for a Hong Kong action film of the era, it doesn’t really stand out. However, it has chicks with guns blasting people all over the place, so it fits right into our pseudo-theme month. This is a low-budget movie filmed in the Philippines to save on costs, more info is with the cast.

Female action stars have a long and glorious career in Asian cinema. Go read a book about them or something. Okay, just kidding. There was a big “Girls with Guns” fad in the late 1980’s/early 1990’s which is the focus here, and this is one of many entries that were low-budget but filled with lots of stunts. Many of the films had several of about six to eight actresses who were in the bulk of them, and we have two here, Yukari Oshima and Sharon Yeung Pan Pan, who both have a long resume filled with similar films.

Lisa Li (Yukari Oshima) – A Hong Kong police woman who goes on vacation in the Philippines to visit her cousin Ben Hung, who turns out to be really evil! Her boss in the Hong Kong is named Tiger. Aren’t you glad I pointed that out? May also go by the name “Cynthia Lee,” as a sign in the movie says. Yukari Oshima was a big action star in the late 1980s/early 1990s Hong Kong, but by this point was working out of the Philippines because the Hong Kong studio didn’t know what to do with a half-Japanese female action star, especially one that was usually branded asexual because she wasn’t supermodel attractive. This is a shame, as Yukari is very skilled in the martial arts. See her here in Godfather’s Daughter and Tomb Raiders/Avenging Quartet
Anna Yeung (Sharon Yeung Pan Pan) – Partner of Lisa Li who accompanies her on vacation. Despite both of them being largely asexual, they certainly have a few lesbianic undertones thrown in during their workout sessions. No complaints. Sharon Yeung Pan Pan was a talented martial artist who starred in Hong Kong movies and television through the 80’s and 90’s, ending her run around the end of the girls with guns movie fad.
Cousin Ben Hung (John Cheung) – Cousin of Lisa Li who also happens to be an evil gun smuggler. Sort of how my cousin works for Coca-Cola. Except he’s not evil, nor smuggles guns. Ben Hung has a sister who isn’t named despite being a major character. Once Lisa Li and her friends get in the way, it is time to see that money is thicker than blood, and he tries to take her out.
Eddie (Edu Manzano) – The supercop of the Philippines, every gun runner and drug dealer knows his name. Edu Manzano is still acting today and appeared in such Filipino genre films as Captain Barbell and Darna: The Return.
Ben Hung’s Sister (Sarah Gomez) – Hi, I’m Ben Hung’s Sister. I’m evil, I’m a main villain, I sleep with men to convince them to buy guns from my brother, and I don’t have a name! What the Hell, movie?
Henry Wong (Phillip Ko) – Rumored he was married to Yukari Oshima at the time and may have been the actual director using Godfrey Ho’s name as a pseudonym! That would be a first (this is rumored for a few of these Phillip Ko/Yukari Oshima/Godfrey Ho Filipino action films) but may just be an artifact of Godfrey Ho’s constant use of fake names. Godfrey Ho, why do you continue to make researching these movies difficult?
Dik (????) – Undercover cop in Ben Hung’s gang. Gets his cover blown. Enjoys dressing in dresses. Sadly, he does not make it to the end of the film. I will always remember you, Dik. Maybe I’ll find out who played you.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bedmen Yarasa Adam (Review)

September 22, 2008By

Bedmen Yarasa Adam

aka Turkish Batman

1973, SinemaTurk Link
Directed by Savas Esici

Bedmen Yarasa Adam
I want a car, chicks dig the car.

Turkish Batman! Turkish Pop Cinema is one of the treasures of the modern world. There are so many gems just waiting to be discovered, and so many lost pearls that you never know what you will run into. Turkish Star Wars? Turkish Star Trek? Turkish Ninjas? Turkish Wizard of Oz? Turkish Super Heroes? These are only some examples of the radical output of bizarre and amazing films from the 1960s to the early 1980s that came out of Turkey. At times, you hear rumor of films, but are unable to establish their existence. This Turkish Batman film, Bedmen Yarasa Adam was known to still survive, but actually getting a copy was a different matter. Batman also appeared in the Turkish film Fantoma Istanbul’da Bulusalim, mentioned in Pete Tombs’s Mondo Macabro but seemingly existing nowhere on the planet. There is also a Turkish Batgirl film called Ucan Kiz, of which I have only seen the poster for. Maybe one day they will show up. This deterioration of Turkish film history is a terrible tragedy.

Bedmen Yarasa Adam
Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods!

Did you know that Batman drives around Turkey as a hired detective, investigating the murder of girls, and nailing every chick in the Ottoman Empire? Because that’s the real Batman. Turkish films are big on masculinity, the men are all manly men, there are big manly mustaches, the women are all supermodel hot and melt like butter on an oven when they get a load of these manly Turkish studs.

Bedmen (Levent Çakir) – Bedmen strikes fear into the hearts of evil-doers in Turkey. He also strikes the fires of passion in the loins of all women who see them, because Bedmen gets more play than a Tonka truck! Women lines up to lie down for the classy caped crusader, that’s when he isn’t beating the snot out of criminals, or standing around while they commit suicide. The best Batman ever. Actor Levent Çakir played in dozens of Turkish genre films. Check out his resume here.
Robin (Hüseyin Sayar) – AKA Bedrobin, but we will just call him Robin. The Boy Wonder here likes to flip around. His entire fighting technique is to flip and flip and flip. Imagine the female gymnastics team after downing some cocaine-spiked lattes. Robin can’t get laid, because he’s Robin. I am only 75% sure that this is Hüseyin Sayar.
Bruce Wayne (Levent Çakir) – Bruce Wayne here might really be named Gordon, but we’ll still call him Bruce Wayne because it is confusing otherwise. He’s a sexy man who the ladies can’t resist, because, he’s freaking Turkish Batman! Everyone knows it, so it is less of a secret identity and more of an alternate identity. By the time you have finished reading this bio, Turkish Bruce Wayne has seduced three women.
Dick Grayson (Hüseyin Sayar) – Very excited to see naked women. Very excited. Very very excited. Is not see doing much without Bruce Wayne, because I imagine he’s busy with something involving a special sock, lotion, and well-worn magazines.
Bald Guy (Altan Günbay) – An official guy of some importance. Killed early on, only to return as the evil villain. Spoilers.
Main Girl (Emel Özden) – The only girl not gunned down or naked, so of course she is the love interest. Despite the fact Bedmen has several love interests prior and during his courtship of her. Better head to the free clinic after a night of passion with Bedmen!
Cat (???) – A cat. All evil villains need a cat, and this one does. The cat spends all of his time looking off camera at his owner, who the cat is itching to jump over too. This cat knows who feeds him his tuna, and isn’t about to sit in some actor’s lap. All hail the cat!
Bedmen Yarasa Adam
I’m Batman!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Super Ninja Doll (Review)

September 16, 2008By

Super Ninja Doll

aka Super Ninja Bikini Babes

2007
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Super Ninja Doll premiered on cable TV under the title Super Ninja Bikini Babes, but we will be calling it Super Ninja Doll because that is the title that we first were introduced to it as on the Retromedia message board. Director Fred Olen Ray has crafted a mix of cult movie/Japanese comics with softcore elements, resulting in a great film that is both entertaining and memorable. Fred Olen Ray shoots these films several at a time, oftentimes reusing the same sets and actors. (Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle is one of the others shot with this one.) The problem with a lot of softcore fare is it blends together an becomes unmemorable. Stuff you catch late at night on Skinimax or Showtime, then forget about as the next night something completely different is on. These types of softcore movies have been given the name Erotic Parodies, which fits as they have names like The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. As Super Ninja Doll is not yet on DVD (as of when I wrote this), the screen captures are taken from a TV broadcast (thus the alternate title screen), but they look better than our previous TV captures because the screenshots weren’t taken off of a VHS tape of the movie.

The artwork for the Super Ninja Doll comic was done by Noel Anderson. There is an actual Retromedia Comics Group, which is making a Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers comic book!

Eriko (Christine Nguyen) – A comic book fan, a big comic book fan. Gets lost in the exciting worlds of the comics she reads. Enrolled in college. Enlisted to have the powers of Super Ninja Doll! Christine Nguyen is a former Playboy Cyber Girl and has a long modeling resume.
Super Ninja Doll (Christine Nguyen) – Super Ninja Doll fights against the evil Tantella and Gorath, as well as having sex because that’s how you get power in the Super Ninja Doll universe. Can fly, shoot energy, and shrink baddies.
Tantella (Nicole Sheridan) – The evil Tantella plots to invade the Earth because she is evil and that’s what evil people do. Nicole Sheridan is the first of many adult entertainment stars that will be making appearances here.
Gorath (Evan Stone) – The vile Gorath is powerful, but gets more powerful after sex. Kidnaps the great minds of Earth to foster an invasion, but runs afoul of Super Ninja Doll. Evan Stone really gets into the part, muttering “Gorath” and other things, you can tell he is having a blast. Stone is another adult entertainment actor and is hilarious.
Marsha Applebee (Beverly Lynne) – A nuclear marine physicist and tuna expert. You wouldn’t be asking how they are connected if you knew the terrible secret of nuclear tuna! Amazingly young for being such a big expert…
Jim (Voodoo) – Marsha’s sarcastic boyfriend, and setter up of menege a trois. Voodoo is yet another actor in adult films and has starred in numerous Fred Olan Ray films.
Megan Rhodes (Syren) – Is said to be in the sexual research department in a newspaper article, but called a rocket scientist in spoken script, therefore she must do both like Marsha. Her mind was blanked from amnesia and she gets captured by Gorath. Syren is the final adult star in the Roll Call, but more will appear throughout the film in the synopsis…

Shaitani Dracula
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Shaitani Dracula (Review)

September 9, 2008By

Shaitani Dracula


2006
Directed, Written, and Produced by Harinam Singh

This is one of the most ridiculous films I have ever seen. Believe me, I have seen some doozies! I believe I have found the Ed Wood of India, or at least one Ed Wood, as there are probably half a dozen considering their massive film output. Harinam Singh is his name, he directed, wrote, produced, and stars in the film, a pedigree you usually see in fan films. Harinam Singh also directed Shaitaani Aatma and Jeb Katari, quality films. It is hard to find out information about him due to a healer with a similar name.

As for the rest of the cast, I can list their names, but I am unable to match them up to their characters. Many of them are credited with just a single name, which is sort of hard to Google. In addition, the B-films of Bollywood have little if any information in English, so it is already a stacked deck. I’ll list the cast members here, and maybe someone can help. The few stories I did find about Shaitani Dracula mentioned it took 15 days to film. Starring Shweta, Harinam Singh, Somiya, Jaya, Vivek, Kanhaiya, Shabnam, Pooja, Asha, Kamleesh Singh, Advocate Dube, and many others.

Advocate Dube?

The plot of Shaitani Dracula (translates to Devil’s Dracula) basically involves Dracula and some of his creepy goons harassing some campers in order for him to seduce some young ladies for dinner. That sounds like a straightforward plot, but that is the only thing straightforward. First, this film is a jumbled mess of edits, pointless scenes, and padding. A large portion of the film is just various characters wandering around the forest at night, usually alone, but occasionally being stalked by someone spooky. The film is edited by someone who somehow can operate despite being overdosed on caffeine, crack, Speed, heroin, LSD, irritable bowel syndrome, huffing paint, bipolar disorder, and ADD. There are more cuts in 15 minutes of Shaitani Dracula than in most major feature films. And yet, in those 15 minutes and thousands of cuts, nothing happens! In fact, the bulk of this review will be sorting out the various minions of Dracula. As you will read, the movie’s narrative is like a patchwork quilt of random. Don’t expect it to make sense, because it doesn’t. At all.

Shaitani Dracula‘s scenes were all done in one take. They didn’t bother with reshoots for either wardrobe malfunctions or even to put the actresses in focus. No one seems to be able to get the camera to focus on anything in wide shots, the few closeups are the only time we get a 100% clear picture. Shaitani Dracula is available on VCD, and it is evident that the VCD was sourced from a VHS tape, as there are a few rough patches late into the film. The VCD has no subtitles, but when has that ever stopped us? At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Machine Girl (Review)

August 28, 2008By

The Machine Girl

aka Kataude Mashin Gâru

2008
Directed by Noboru Iguchi

One day people will be able to detect awesomeness with a Geiger counter type device. When this Awesomeness Detector is used to measure DVDs of The Machine Girl, it will overload by so much, the explosion will destroy half the universe. This film simply rocks. It is beyond cool. We have a girl with a machine gun for an arm, evil ninja yakuza, and more blood than a Red Cross warehouse. There will be blood. Lots and lots of blood. Blood that sprays forth at like a firehose. Let’s just say that if any woman in this universe ever had her period, the force of the blood exiting her body would cause her to launch up into the air like a rocket and she’d crash into the moon. There’s that much blood.

Much of this film is beyond description, only pictures and video will be satisfactory. It’s an explosion of visual images and over the top-ness that will make your jaw drop and your pants moist. A low-budget original film from Fever Dreams/Media Blasters, hopefully the first of many awesome productions. It was actually released in the US before Japan, which is a first I can get behind. The DVD has both subtitles and an English dub, so of course we will jump right to Japanese with subtitles. Because we are out and proud geeks.

Ami Hyuga (Minase Yashiro) – A normal basketball-playing girl becomes the instrument of vengeance known as The Machine Girl after her brother Yu is murdered by the son of Yakuza. After losing her arm, she is aided by fellow victims and given a machine gun as replacement, which allows her to blast her way to total vengeance. Ami’s parents killed themselves when they were framed for murder.
Miki (Asami Sugiura as Asami) – Miki was in a biker gang with her hubby. Her son Takeshi was killed by Sho, and afterwards helps Ami on her quest of vengeance. Married to Suguru. Asami is an AV actress, for those of you who don’t speak Japanophile, that means she’s a porn star (Mosaic only.)
Yu Hyuga (Ryôsuke Kawamura) – Ami’s little brother, who is killed by Sho Kisuma, son of a Yakuza boss. Appears as a ghost helping Ami and applauding her efforts. Thankfully, not as a scary long-haired ghost like most Asian horror films.
Sho Kimura (Nobuhiro Nishihara) – Killed Yu and Takeshi for kicks. Snotty and sarcastic. Has a flair for wearing outfits that make him look like a gay pimp. He and his mom are almost like they share brains…
Ryuji Kimura (Kentaro Shimazu) – Dad Kimura is head of a ninja clan that is the Hatori Hanzo clan, which now is yakuza. Crazy. Wears his hair in demon horn style. Uses the flying guillotine, mouth masks, swords, and intense praying powers.
Violet Kimura (Honoka) – Mom Kimura is formerly of the Kanto Beasts, this woman beats her husband for being soft, kills maids as punishment, makes a chef eat “finger food”, and wears metal undergarments. Just your average Japanese woman!
Suguru (Yûya Ishikawa) – Takeshi’s dad, Miki’s husband, mechanic, and builder of machine gun arms. The son of a surgeon, and a former biker gang member (where he met his wife.) He doesn’t seem to have the temperament of a biker gang member, unless they are much calmer in Japan, which I doubt based on their many other depictions in movies. He’s a nice guy, so of course he gets killed violently.
Abraham Lincoln (???) – Abraham Lincoln is alive and well, living as a Yakuza bodyguard in Japan. Until he’s killed in the movie, so I guess he is dead. Damn you, Japanese John Wilkes Booth!!!

Starship Troopers 3
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (Review)

August 18, 2008By

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder


2008
Directed by Edward Neumeier

Would you like to know more? Because we got more! More bugs, more troopers, more kill them all! Get your war on and suit up, trooper! You want to live forever? Johnny Rico is back! That alone makes this film rule. Plus, Edward Neumeier returns to help bring this franchise back on track. He wrote the first two films, but directs this one. Starship Troopers 2 wasn’t very good, mostly limited due to the budget, and also kept the satire to just bookend portions while the bulk of the film was just people talking in dark rooms. Now we have less talking and more killing, which is just what we like here at TarsTarkas.NET! Join the Federation today, the Federation of citizens who read this review of Starship Troopers 3: Marauder! Don’t drown in the satire!

Colonel Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien) – Johnny Rico is back! Where would we be without Casper telling us to “Kill ’em all!”? Nowhere, that’s where. And that is where the previous DTV sequel went. Johnny Rico is now a Colonel, and has been on the front the entire time. This makes him more sympathetic to the plight of local farmers.
Lola Beck (Jolene Blalock) – She’s the personal pilot for the Sky Marshall, and a tough broad who is entertaining as well. Has a thing for Dix. T’Pol is here doing her best imitation of Angelina Jolie and Denise Richards morphed into one.
General Dix Hauzer (Boris Kodjoe) – Johnny Rico’s old friend is now a bigwig in the government. They still dress in very Nazi-esque clothes. In love with Lola Beck. The guy who replaced Doogie Howser is Dix Hauzer…
Sky Marshall Omar Anoke (Stephen Hogan) – Psychic and a singer, the leader of all human-kind. Yes, seriously. Eventually wanders into a gigantic mouth vagina.
Admiral Enolo Phid (Amanda Donohoe) – Some random Admiral, she’s probably not important, even though she’s pretending to be the missing Sky Marshall and imprisoning people who blab. Oh, wait…

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