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Banglar Hero

Banglar Hero (Review)

Banglar Hero


1989
Directed and Produced by Ahmmad Nasir

It’s time to crack open a big can of Bangladeshi cinema!

Bangladesh was once part of Pakistan, known as East Pakistan (and Pakistan was part of India under the British…) but a civil war in 1971 got them their independence. Bangladesh is a Muslim country, and due to close cultural ties with both Pakistan and India, Bangladeshi cinema resembles both of the neighbors. We have strong he-man characters with mustaches yelling at each other like Pakistani cinema. From India, we have songs, dances, and tragedy happening to the hero.

Bangladeshi cinema is based out of the city of Dharka, and thus is known as Dhallywood, because every region needs its own “-ollywood”! There is also Bangladeshi cinema produced in India for the large Banglar population there, based out of the West Bengal city of Kolkata, and known as Tollywood. This was actually not only the first Tollywood, but the first “-ollywood” as it is a play on the neighborhood of Tollygunge in Kolkata where many of the movie studios were located in 1932. Blame Wilford E. Deming of American Cinematographer for all these “-ollywood”s you can’t keep straight!

Banglar Cinema was already going strong under Pakistani rule, but after independence production exploded. But by the time the 1980s were in full swing, Banglar films were on the decline. Now, with increased competition from TV and satellite shows, Banglar cinema has more problems than ever. But it also has undergone a rebirth, with the latter half of the 2000s producing a lot of new films and new talents. Where will these talents take Banglar film in the 2010s? We shall find out as you do.

In what is sadly common in a lot of foreign vcds, the vcd company advertises their name throughout the film. In addition, they seem to either be covering up a previous company’s logo because they took over the distribution rights OR they are straight bootlegging it. So we got annoying logos pasted over annoying logos with annoying scrolling text pasted over annoying scrolling text. The key word is annoying. This is pretty darn common in vcd releases from the region, because deluxe edition DVD boxed sets with director’s commentaries and lame behind the scenes extras are not the economic model of cinema in many countries. Pumping out dozens of films a year as fast as possible for theatrical run and then saturating the area with vcds making sure everyone knows that Famous Person is the star is the way to go.

How ’bout that scrolling text graphic?

Inspector Abu, the Banglar hero, is played by a guy named Manna. Manna was born SM Aslam Talukder in 1964 and entered acting at age 20 under the name Manna. Over his lifetime, Manna acted in over 350 movies and became one of the biggest names in the industry. As General Secretary of the Bangladesh Film Actors Association, he lead efforts to reduce vulgarity in Banglar cinema. He died in 2008 of a heart attack, probably from the stress involved in ripping off yet another guy’s arm.

I am pretty sure that Dr. Masutke is played by Omor Shani (aka Omar Sani) – who is married to Mousumi who probably played the sister Asti. I am not 100% positive, partially because there are very few good pictures of Omar Sani online, and in the ones that are, Omar has changed his weight and look considerably. At some point it looks like he wanted to try out for a Nutty Professor The Klumps sequel, not realizing it was all makeup on Eddie Murphy. But I guess he kept the local restaurant industry afloat…

I found even less information on director/producer Ahmmad Nasir. Besides a few references to this film, there is nothing out there at all in English.

Inspector Abu (Manna) – The Banglar Hero himself! Inspector Abu is the baddest cop in the universe whose chief takes him off so many cases even the chief can’t keep up on the paperwork. Inspector Abu rips off arms, beats up thugs, guns down criminals, dresses as a clown, lobbies for immigration reform, gets most of his loved ones killed, and spends half of his life in jail. He’s sure, he’s soon, and he’s larger than life.
Dr. Masutke (Omor Shani aka Omar Sani) – Dr. Masutke is dating Abu’s sister Asti and will soon join the family. Except for when he lies against Abu in court then is gunned down protecting Abu. His name is a guess but it is very close to what they are saying.
Salma (???) – The wife of Inspector Abu, who tries to play tricks on her husband from time to time when she isn’t selling her organs to get her husband out of jail.
Asti (Mousumi) – Sister to Inspector Abu and engaged to be married to Dr. Masutke. Until Dr. Masutke’s untimely demise. Her name is a guess like all the rest
Daughter (???) – Inspector Abu’s young daughter who becomes a target of the bad guys after her mother dies.
Tubby Buddy (???) – Tubby Buddy is Abu’s one friend on the force who isn’t a corrupt jerk. But since Tubby Buddy can’t kick lots of butt, he has to suffer under the weight of all his corrupt bosses and try to help Abu when he can. Tubby Buddy is probably played by a famous Banglar comedian but I can’t figure out who he is.
Evil Dude (???) – The evil dude is probably played by a guy who plays a lot of evil dudes in Banglar cinema, but I don’t know who he is. But he sure is evil!
Corrupt Cop (???) – Abu’s boss is on the take, and is perfectly happy to have Evil Dude terrorizing the neighborhood. Abu just keeps ruining his plans!

Mean Drunken Master (Review)

Mean Drunken Master

aka Iron Bridge Kung-Fu aka Mang han dou lao qian

1979
Directed by Wong Fung
Mean Drunken Master
Gam Fung-Ling starred in The Ape Girl and one other film, Mean Drunken Master/Iron Bridge Kung Fu. Hey, look, we’re doing a review of Mean Drunken Master/Iron Bridge Kung Fu! I bet you didn’t see that coming! Now I bet you are wondering who the mean drunken master is. I hate to disappoint you, but there is no mean drunken master. In fact, all we have is a drunken master who doesn’t even bother to be in the last half of the film. He’s more of an absent drunken master. The evil guy isn’t drunk, but he does have a ridiculous name, as do all his goons. He must have founded the Evil Ridiculous Names Gang, and then spent his youth terrorizing the people of Taiwan who had normal names.

Director Wong Fung directed many films (including How The Ape Girl Stole The Lotus Lamp and The Blonde Monster), but did you know that many of his films have the word “white” in the title? It’s true! I know you are as shocked as I. For the record: White-Haired Madam Su is Pregnant (1959), Stone Prince Takes the Throne (Final Part to White-Haired Madam Su) (1959), The White Lady’s Reincarnation (1959), The White-snake Girl (Part 1) (1960), The White-snake Girl (Part 2) (1960), White Hair Girl of Miu Shan (Part 1) (1961), White Hair Girl of Miu Shan (Part 2) (1961), and The White Dragon (1968). That’s 8/67 films with white in the title, an 11.9% rate! He also wrote 42 of the Wong Fei-Hung movies, and directed a fair share of them.
Mean Drunken Master

Gam Fung-Ling stars in this flick along with The Ape Girl/Lady Iron Monkey. These are her only two film roles known, which is sort of a shame because she’s pretty darn charismatic in both of the films. Whatever happened to Gam Fung-Ling? Your guess is as good as mine. Unless you actually know, in which case your guess is probably better than mine. Maybe. Who knows, one day I’ll be watching some random Taiwanese flick and suddenly Gam Fung-Ling will wander by and monkey kung fu the crap out of someone. That will be a good day (unless you’re the dude getting monkey kung fu-ed!)
Mean Drunken Master

Lung San (Wong Goon-Hung) – The best student of the O Mei’s 12th Generation school. Is a good guy, too bad he’s not that interesting.
13 Points (Gam Fung-Ling) – 13 Points is the name of the cook girl who juggles eggs but is also a klutz. She’s also good at kung fu, because that’s what happens in a kung fu movie. Gam Fung-Ling was The Ape Girl.
Ho Yuen Biao (Shih Chung Tien) – Ho Yuen Biao runs O Mei’s 12th Generation school with older wife. Shih Chung Tien was in Jade Dagger Ninja.
Piggy (Simon Yuen Siu-Tin)- A lovable drunk who boozes his way around town, is a secret kung fu master, and is also part of a secret society to protect Chinese artifacts. But mostly he’s a drunk. Simon Yuen was the patriarch of the Yuen family.
White Orchid (To Gwai Fa) – At first a mysterious old lady wandering around, but eventually becomes the kung fu teacher to 13 Points and is later revealed to be her mother. Is probably best known for the Heroic Victim series which involved lots of female wrestling.

Mean Drunken Master

Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay (Review)

Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay

aka Cat-Beast

1997
Directed, written, and produced by Shehnaz

You know, there are probably many different Pakistani films I could review that explore the rich and complex social history of the culture and the various ethnic groups that make up the nation. But they all pale in comparison because none of the other films have a cat lady killing dudes!

The history of the various ethnic groups in Pakistan both pre- and post-Partition is a complicated matter that fill scholarly books. We cannot begin to go over everything in the detail it deserves in an introduction to a movie review about a cat lady who goes all Freddy Krueger on rapists. But we’ll do our best to give you a crash course.

When India was granted independence in 1947, it was split into India and Pakistan, Pakistan being set up as an Islamic country separate from the Hindu-dominated India. At the time, Pakistan was mainly populated by ethnic groups known as the Sindhi, Pashtun (aka Pukhtoon aka Pathan), Baloch, Punjabi, and Bangladeshi. Two other groups of note (more displaced people than ethnic groups) are the Moharjirs, who were Muslim Indians who fled India during the Partition, and the Biharis, Indian Muslims who moved to East Pakistan during Partition. As there was no “historic” Pakistan, the country is more or less an attempt to get several different ethnic groups with different languages to work together and form a stable government. That has been less than successful, with multiple government takeovers by the military and the 1971 civil war in East Pakistan that lead to the creation of the independent country of Bangladesh. Bangladesh has its own fine cinema tradition that we will get to someday soon, but for now let’s stay in Pakistan and

The Pashtun people are located in Western Pakistan and Southern Afghanistan. They are generally considered very conservative, and are where the Taliban came from. Pashto-language cinema was created for the Pashtun people, the industry largely based in the city of Peshawar in the province of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa. The Peshawar industry became known as Pollywood. The first Pashto film, Laila Majnoon, was made in 1939 but not released until 1942. Pashto cinema had to wait until 1960 to produce a second film, and a third trickled in during 1963. Eventually the trickle became a mighty river of films. Producers based in Lahore (aka Lollywood) have also created Pashto-language films since the 1970s, but in recent years production has slowed considerably.

Pashto cinema went through what you could call a golden age until the 1980s when TVs and VCRs became commonplace in many homes. Theaters dried up almost overnight, and the quality of cinema decline along with the tastes of the audience still heading to the theaters. Even overseas, the audience of Pashto-speakers instead turned to other forms of media. Now with the Pashto audience increasingly being the poor and a large influx Afghan refugees, and the fact the audience became almost exclusively male, the cheaply made films began to focus more on sleaze and violence. The amount of films made decreased significantly, the mighty river again returning to a slow trickle. The Pashto industry became known as a depository for awful films, some of the productions becoming infamous in their weirdness (this being one such film!) Noted India and Pakistan film expert Omar Ali Khan (also proprietor of the excellent Hot Spot Ice Cream shop and HotSpotOnline) has even mentioned that some cinemas would start out playing the normal sleazy awful film, then switch reels to European porn, and then return to the actual film for the final reel. Pashto cinema became known for women wearing skimpy costumes gyrating around with repeated zooms or closeups of the crotch region. It is just a weird thing to see. And these films passed the censor boards in the area, making the whole thing even more bizarre. Pashto men are manly men with big mustaches and everyone is shouting all the time. It’s like Turkish film to the power of 100.

Although there are efforts to try to make a resurgence in quality of Pashto cinema in recent years, it is not going to be an easy process especially with the ongoing political problems in Pakistan.


This being a female-helmed film, the many musical interludes involving dancing women of robust sizes are not as sleazed up as much of the Pashto cinema, so there is only a small amount of gyrating and zooming into crotches. Almost so little that you can take your whole family to see the film! Keep in mind the women of Pashto film are a little more….curvy…than you are probably used to. The VCD has moving graphics for the Musafa video company, you can even call them if you so desire! Tell them you love Cat-Beast, because I am sure they’d love to hear from you. Besides the cast below, Kamran, Liaqat, and Umar Daraz are listed as cast members but I have no idea who is who.

Banno (Shehnaz) – A humble maid who also is a cat-possessed spirit of vengeance against a gang of crazy rapists! Shehnaz not only stars in this masterpiece, she wrote and directed it! Shehnaz became an actress despite her family’s objections due to the stigma of being an actress in the Pashto culture.
Asata (Asif Khan) – Asif Khan is one of the most successful Pashto actors, and has a production company CWI Production, which was shut down for twenty years as Pashto film became degraded in quality, but Khan has announced he’s willing to refund the company if they can get Pakistan to better fund Pashto films and open foreign markets. His son Arbaaz Khan has become an actor as well.
Supercop (???) – The local cop who knows something is up, but doesn’t figure it out until he actually sees Cat-Beast running around.
Cat-Beast (Shehnaz) – The Cat-Beast is truly terrifying.
The Gang (various) – Evil rapists who rape and are evil. We have a devil, an Evil Bert, a punk, a native guy, a man in black, a little person lady, and various extra goons leftover from Mad Max.

Haunted House Elf (Review)

Haunted House Elf


1990
Directed by ???

Haunted House Elf is what the title of this film translate to. There are little to no records of this hardly anywhere, especially records in English. Whoever did the subtitles decided that the vampires would be called “The Living Dead” He also decided that checking spelling was for pussies and that he was a real man. I’m here to tell you this guy is no real man and probably couldn’t spell “man” correctly if it was tattooed on his hand, much less any other word.

There was a period of time where tons of hopping vampire flicks popped up in the shadow of the Mr. Vampire films. Because hopping vampires are wacky, kids loved them, and it was inevitable that hopping vampire kid movies appeared. There was a ton of them at one point, you couldn’t shake a magic paper tract without it hitting the forehead of some hopping vampire kid. Then, like most fads, it quickly died and was replaced with Pokemon or something. Hmph…kids.

Wang Chi-Chiang aka Shiao-Chiang (???) – His mom is dead, his dad is a drunk, and Shiao-Chiang has anger at his mom for dying. But he’s too busy trying to please and comes off as a normal kid, which is good. Shiao because means little, as you should know had you seen that Karate Kid remake or speak Chinese.
Shiao-Ming (Lin Hsiao Lan) – The daughter of the family that owns the house. We never find out her full name. Not very good at being low-key that they are up to something, but mom is too busy. Lin Hsiao Lan is best known for starring in a bunch of Peach Boy films.
Lee Chung-Chiang aka Shaio-Tai (???) – Bratty son of the family that owns the haunted house. Is a big jerk, yells at people for no reason, and the rest of the kids ditch him to go on their comic book adventure. Jerks always finish last, buddy!
Tong-Tong (???) – A Hopping Vampire Kid who was trapped in a coffin for 300 years, then gets his new friends trapped in a comic book where they almost die like 50 times. A real friend. Now let’s stake him!
Tribal Chief (Wu Ma) – An evil tribal chief who is about to feast on some princess when these kids and a vampire show up in his comic book story and ruin the plot. Tribal Chief switches more costumes than an evening of Saturday Night Live trying to defeat the invaders, but eventually dies when the comic book burns up.

Baytekin Fezada Carpisanlar Turkish Flash Gordon

Baytekin Fezada Carpisanlar (Review)

Baytekin Fezada Carpisanlar

aka Flash Gordon’s Battle in Space

1967
Directed and written by Sinasi Özonuk

So Turkey is the land to go to for awesome pop films from the 1960s and 1970s that skirt the boundaries of copyright infringement. Okay, they cross the boundaries and then moon the boarder guards. The tragedy is for every awesome Turkish film like Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda, the Kilink films, and Aysecik and the Bewitched Dwarfs in Dreamland, there are many lost Turkish films like Fantoma Istanbulda Bulusalim (Fantomas: Appointment in Istanbul), Binbasi Tayfun, and Ucan Kiz. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is lost Turkish films, and that light is…MTV Turkey. Yes, MTV Turkey. MTV Turkey has taken to showing a fantastic Turkish film every week, and somehow they keep playing films considered lost forever! It’s amazing, it’s awesome, it’s crazy that MTV is actually worth watching for the first time since they canceled Sifl and Olly! Even if it is the Turkish MTV, it still rules.

Baytekin fezada carpisanlar (Flash Gordon’s Battle in Space) is a 1967 film that cult movie lovers like me who don’t speak a lick of Turkish only knew through gritty photos from magazines from 1967 and had written it off as something we’d never see. Boy, I love being wrong! This film is totally awesome! Just don’t expect the special effects to be up to par with Hollywood, this is Turkey we’re talking about! Everything in the film is either cardboard or a dirty rag! Even the actors! The ray guns blasts are scratches on the films, the vessels are flying saucers hanging from strings, and backgrounds are paintings. Lots of sparklers, smoke, and repeated shots let us know when space battles are happening. Guys on a viewscreen are really in the next room talking through a window.

Hey, this film si so recently rediscovered, no one has made fan subs yet! But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! The names in the roll call are guesses combined with what little information there was about the film.

Baytekin (Hasan Demirtag) – Baytekin is Flash Gordon! He’s just a mild mannered guy who has giant temper tantrums, gets tossed in jail, kidnapped by space thugs, and leads a revolution against a space tyrant. Hasan Demirtag was also in Fantoma Istanbulda Bulusalim, Zorro disi Fantoma’ya karsi, and played Tarkan in a film that came out before the more famous Tarkan films with Kartal Tibet.
Dale (Meltem Mete) – A rebel spy who helps Baytekin escape and becomes his love interest. Meltem Mete was also in Kadin dusmani and Mandrake Killing’e karsi.
Taranta (???) – A big bald dude who kidnaps Baytekin from jail and forces him to become a space hero. Not immune to rocks.
Ming the Guy Who May or May Not Have Mercy (???) – The evil guy who is evil and thus everyone fights against him. Take that, evil guy!
Rock Men (various) – The rockiest guys you ever did see! Did you know rocks are made of cloth and have zippers? Now you do. Use your newfound knowledge for good, not evil.
Wolf Cave Dudes (various) – A triumph of special effects.
Giant Muppet Carnivore (a Puppet) – The best thing ever filmed. Ever.

Magic Sword of Watari (Review)

The Magic Sword of Watari

aka Watari and the 7 Monsters aka Golden Boy subdues Monsters

1970
Directed by Yang Moo-nwa

Mitsuteru Yokoyama created the manga Masked Ninja Akakage (Red Shadow) in 1966, which became a Toei tokustatsu series in 1967 that ran 52 episodes. The ninja Akakage and his sidekicks Aokage (played by child star Yoshinobu Kaneko) and Shirokage wander around feudal Japan fighting evil dudes, crazy wizards, and giant monsters. Several of the episodes were stitched together to make three flicks that were farmed out to various markets, titled Ninjascope: The Magic World of Ninjas, Watari the Conqueror, and Watari and the Fantastiks. The three films have recently been released on DVD. The show’s young boy star Yoshinobu Kaneko also starred in the film Watari Ninja Boy (Daininjutsu eiga Watari), which is why some of the Akakage films were renamed with Watari in the title.

Yoshinobu Kaneko then made two films in Taiwan in 1970 that were co-productions with Japan. According to Yoshinobu Kaneko’s own website, the two films were called Momotaro Young Dragon and Momotaro restrains the Seven Monsters. The second film is also known as Watari and the 7 Monsters, aka The Magic Sword of Watari, aka Golden Boy and the Seven Monsters, aka Golden Boy subdues Monsters. Which would be this very film!

Now, if this reuses some monster footage from the Akakage tv series, I have no idea. I have not seen any of these monsters in photos I saw of the Akakage series, but I haven’t watched all 52 episodes.

Peachboy! – The legend of Peachboy is a classic Japanese legend. It goes like this: Momotaro (aka Peachboy) is found inside a giant peach by a childless couple, and eventually Momotaro goes to an island to kill a bunch of demons. On the way, he makes friends with a dog, a monkey, and a pheasant. There are several films about this legend, along with a lot of cartoons and tv shows, many of which are wacky. However, The Magic Sword of Watari only follows parts of this story, and instead becomes just another Taiwanese film about a boy who flies around and kills a bunch of monsters.

We got white subs on white backgrounds most of the time! But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! Or even partial subtitles!

Peach (Yoshinobu Kaneko) – A boy from a giant peach who has super powers and flies around and is awesome and acts amazingly like the character from Watari that Yoshinobu Kaneko played, even down to having some of the same weapons. So they took him and shoved him into some of the Peach Boy/Momotaro mythos.
Lee Yu (???) – A Fox Spirit caught by Peach who joins him on his quest. Has the power to turn into pretty much anything. Is an orphan.
Pearl (???) – Farmer’s daughter, is to be sacrificed to the demon Frogger until Peach kicks it’s butt. Becomes Peach’s sister in name only as a result, thus spending the last half of the movie moping over Peach’s sick mom.
Frogger (???) – The frog demon guy that is either named devil or god or god-devil or whatever Subtitle Guy wanted to call him that sentence, so we’re just calling him Frogger because he’s a giant frog. Except when he’s a guy, or a guy riding a giant frog. Anyway, his career of demanding virgins comes to an end when he is killed.
Peach’s Dad/Old Guy (???) – Peach’s dad, found Peach in a giant peach in the river. His wife is sick and he spends most of the film looking after her.
Demon Master (???) – The head of the demons who guard the magic plant Peach is after. He looks like he’s inspired by the Japanese Tengu spirit masks.