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Dirty Blondes 2

Dirty Blondes 2


2006
Directed by Francis Locke

Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…

Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.

Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:

The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!

Tina (Nicole Oring) –Tina is an archeology student who is very lucky at finding amazing discoveries lying in plain sight. Can she find something amazing by the end of the film, in between her constant getting naked? Find out! Nicole Oring is a model and softcore star (including Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies and Bare-Skinned New Girls’ Scary Bondage Surprise!), but also was in Single White Female 2: The Psycho!
Professor Rich (Ben Campezi) – Professor running the new dig for the ancient dong. He has the diary from the first film, which you would think would be in a museum or something. Someone call Indiana Jones to punch this guy until it hits a museum! is an adult film star who usually works in male on male cinema, he’s handled more hogs than a pig farmer in such films as Musclemen Moving Company Inc, Oiled Up Hunks, and Straight Jocks Confess
Lisa (Xara Diaz) – Lisa is one of Professor Rish’s students, and instead of digging she just wears the artifacts! Except for when Rich takes them off to have sex with her. Xara Diaz is an adult actress who has handled more packages than UPS in such fine films as We Were Tied Up and She Was Naked!, Sexz Latinas, and Finger Licking Good.
Guy at Basecamp A (Dino Bravo) – This guy doesn’t even get a name, and he spends most of his time staring at Tina, except for when he’s having sex with Tina. Dino Bravo is an adult star (who ganked his name from a wrestler!) that’s given more rides than one of the coin operated kiddie machines outside a grocery store in such films as Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story, Boning Bonita Chicas, and Not Married with Children XXX
La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la
Dirty Blondes

Dirty Blondes (Review)

Dirty Blondes


2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here.
Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1.
Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill
April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution.
Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless.
Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx.
Joe Torrence (???) – Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.

Cango Korkusuz Adam (Review)

Cango Korkusuz Adam

aka Django vs. Kilink aka Cango Ölüm Süvarisi / Korkusuz Adam

1967
Written by Recep Ekicigil
Directed by Remzi Jöntürk

Scene guest directed by the director of Battlefield Earth!

Remember last month when this site and Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill! both reviewed a long-lost Turkish Kilink film that suddenly became found? Well, it’s deja vu all over again because here’s ANOTHER double lost Killink review! Cango Korkusuz Adam. This time, Killink travels to the Old West where he’s trying to take over valuable land with a gold mine on it, and terrorizing the adjoining town. Sadly for Killink, the nephew of the man he kills to get the land shows up and is so cowboy that even a guy dressed in a skeleton costume and a cowboy hat can’t stand a chance, because he become Django! Or as he’s called in Turkish, Cango! Neither name is Rango, though, so don’t get too excited.

More lost Killink films??!!

Cango Korkusuz Adam is another flick that was unavailable, except for the fact it showed up on TV! Oddly enough, the print used looks pretty tore up and like the tape it was playing on was getting a bit long in the tooth. As it was shown without subtitles, two enterprising young dudes made some custom subtitles which are very good (except they confuse the words for niece and nephew, leading to a lot of talk about McLan’s niece Cango. And as this is a Turkish film, the only soundtrack is a stolen soundtrack.

This is the worst production of Pirates of the Penzance I’ve ever seen!

Cango Korkusuz Adam turns out to be a pretty okay old western that just happens to have Killink as a villain. It’s like an oater/comic book mashup. You could easily see this as an old 1930s western, or even an episode of Gunsmoke! Chiko is pretty much Festus and Cango is close to Matt Dillon. We even have Rozita as Miss Kitty!

Nothing says tough Western saloon like kitten posters on the wall!

Cango/Tom (Tunç Oral) – You see, he’s Cango, not Django, so send back those copyright lawyers! Tom is the nephew of a murdered landowner come to get revenge on his family’s killer. To do so he becomes a gunfighting badass mofo! And also dresses in black and doesn’t talk much. You get the good and the bad.
Chiko (Yilmaz Köksal) – Local quack pharmacist turned sheriff when he gets caught in the middle of all the turf wars going on. Becomes Cango’s ally.
Rozita (Figen Say) – Local saloon owner and dancing girl, was on the payroll of the bad guys, but her love for Chiko turns her straight. And ticks off the bad guys even more!
Killink/Death Cavalier (Oktar Durukan) – How can Killink time travel? It must be magic! It is just proof that there will always be a Killink somewhere, ready to be evil or slightly less evil. This Killink is dressed in a cowboy costume with hat and six-shooter and cape over his iconic skeleton costume.
Jack (Yavuz Karakaş) – A one-eyed lieutenant of Killink who is crazy insane and gets joy out of torturing his own men as well as the good guys.
The Dog (Himself) – Killink has a dog (a bull mastiff) and also a fondness for chopping off the hands of people who fail him, which are fed to the dog. As Killink doesn’t seem to be a ladies man in this film, this dog is the only real companionship he has.
Damn Red Ryder BB gun…

Terror of Mechagodzilla (Review)

Terror of Mechagodzilla

aka Mekagojira no gyakushu aka メカゴジラの逆襲

1975
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Yukiko Takayama
Directed by Ishiro Honda

Titanosaurus, DirectTV pioneer

Terror of Mechagodzilla is a direct followup to the previous film, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. It’s also the final film of the Showa era, one of the few films to show direct continuity that would be used more in the Heisei films, and the final Godzilla work of some G-legends, Ishiro Honda and Akihiko Hirata. It also bombed horribly, helping lead to a decade-long absence of Godzilla in film form. Overall, Terror of Mechagodzilla is a mixed bag. The action sequences are some of the most violent and explosive of the older films, but they’re obviously trying to compensate from the lower budget (many scenes suddenly end up in the countryside) and the hectic explosions loose their danger after the 1 millionth giant boom.

Being a little mermaid sure is boring…

Ishiro Honda doesn’t sleep on the job, making up for the lower filming budget with some neat visual stylizing. A flashback to Professor Mafune’s descent into madness is shown via sepia-toned photographs while narration explains. Katsura’s lament that Titanosaurus is to be used as a murderous weapon is juxtaposed with other alien-controlled kaiju from prior films played on a quad-screen shot. Godzilla’s first appearance is one of the better introduction scenes in his history.

The alien command center is in some Trekker guy’s basement?

While Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla showed a trend towards more serious, Terror of Mechagodzilla straddled the edge of serious and silly. The action sequences were more destructive, but the alien villains were more comic book. The cyborg daughter is played for tragedy, but it is obvious from the beginning that it will end in a downer and we’re just running through the steps until the final act. I am willing to accept that some of the sillier aspects are unintentional, such as the alien helmets or the complete lack of concern for hunting down the aliens by Interpol even after they’ve been spotted multiple times in the same area. But I can’t deny that I feel it is there, and it clouds Terror of Mechagodzilla in a way that the prior film did not have.

Titanosaurus was tragically hit by a meteor during the filming of this scene…

メカゴジラの逆襲 (translation: Counterattack of Mechagodzilla) was first released in the US in theaters in 1978 under the title The Terror of Godzilla. The US rights were held by Henry Saperstein, who sold Bob Conn Enterprises the film rights, but also released the movie itself on TV in 1978 as Terror of Mechagodzilla. This cut is credited to UPA Productions of America, and features an additional six minutes of scenes taken from other Godzilla films and narrated to serve as an introduction to Godzilla (this sequence is detailed below), the only think cut was a brief shot of Katsura’s fake breasts during a surgery scene. By the mid-1980s, there was a new cut on tv that featured many of the violent scenes cut down, as well as not having the opening narration. There are some that say this was the theatrical cut, though I don’t know why the theater cut would have removed the violence when that seems more of a tv cut thing to do. That cut was the most widely available for decades, including the original version I saw before I got a tape of the original cut. I have still not seen the restored DVD, hence the screenshots are either from the old VHS tape or the earlier DVD.

For some reason, the humans won’t take us serious!

And as March of Godzilla 2012 continues, let’s get us to the Roll Call!

Akira Ichinose (Katsuhiko Sasaki) – Marine Biologist at the Ocean Exploitation Institute, which somehow qualifies him to have equal police rights as the rest of Interpol when he works with them to track down the mysterious dinosaur. Falls in love with a cyborg despite her repeated attempts to brush him off.
Katsura Mafune (Tomoko Ai) – Daughter of the famous Professor Mafune, who went mad. She covers for her father, telling the world he is dead. In reality, he is in league with the space aliens and is using his discovery, Titanosaurus, and his ability to control animals, against mankind for spurning him and his ideas. Katsura was rebuilt as a cyborg after she was injured in an experiment, and becomes more robotic the more the aliens due to her. Tomoko Ai went on to do a string of Nikkuatsu films.
Dr. Shinzo Mafune (Akihiko Hirata) – Akikhiko Hirata plays yet another mad scientist, except this one doesn’t have an eyepatch, he’s got crazy old man hair, mustache, and eyebrows. He hates mankind because they made fun of him. Good thing he doesn’t read YouTube comments, Dr. Mafune would explode with rage. Explode, I tell you! He teams with the aliens.
Interpol Agent Jiro Murakoshi (Katsumasa Uchida) – The main cop who is sort of in the film, though often the film forgets he’s there as it focuses more on Ichinose. But he occasionally shows up to save the day and to save Ichinose.
Alien Leader Mugal (Goro Mutsumi) – The new leader of the space aliens from the previous film. Mugal sounds like a name for a Gremlin or something. The greatest tragedy of Terror of Mechagodzilla is that the aliens never revert back to gorilla form.
Godzilla (Toru Kawai) – The biggest G of them all!
Mechagodzilla (Ise Mori) – Picked up from the ocean floor and rebuilt with human slaves, Mechagodzilla is back to fight his fleshy foe. And now he’s controlled by a cyborg lady! And he has some sort of head under his head! It’s all weird, but not enough to keep him from being turned into scrap metal.
Titanosaurus (Katsumi Nimiamoto) – Titanosaurus is a peaceful dinosaur used by an arrogant made scientist and aliens to attack humans, and is then brutally murdered by Godzilla for his crime of being brainwashed. Some people are really into Titanosaurus! If you are Japanese, you call him Chitanosaurusu. Rumor has it that Titanosaurus was originally supposed to be two smaller creatures called the Titans that fuse together to create Titanosaurus. This idea seems to have been recycled into Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah.
G is for Godzooky, that’s good enough for me!

Zone Fighter Episode 15 – Chinbotsu! Gojira-yo Tokyo-wo Sukue

Zone Fighter Episode 15 – Chinbotsu! Gojira-yo Tokyo-wo Sukue

aka Submersion! Godzilla, Save Tokyo! aka It’s Sinking! Godzilla, Save Tokyo

1973
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Kohei Oguri & Norio Komata
Directed by Kengo Furusawa


Zone Fighter stumbles through another episode, where hundreds of people die due to the Garoga menace, but the Zone Family still doesn’t tell anyone in positions of authority on Earth about the alien invaders. Sorry, innocent people, I guess your lives just don’t matter. At least Godzilla shows up again. I was getting sick of these non-Godzilla episodes with giant chickens and exploding birthday cakes. So now that Godzilla is here we’ll have something awesome happen, right? Maybe? At least Godzilla seems to care more about everyone dying than the Zones, as Godzilla shows up out of nowhere to fight the Terror-Beast Zandora who is responsible for the chaos. Either that, or Godzilla is upset that Zandora looks like a giant wang. Either way, his appearance here is greatly appreciated!

Stop the world, I want to get off!

March of Godzilla 2012 is proud to bring yet another Godzilla Zone Fighter episode. If you are Zone Fighter ignorant, there is plenty of Zone Fighter information available on the Splash Page.

Godzilla and Zandora slow dance as Zone Fighter is buried under the ground

New opening credits? Holy Fratz! Instead of telling us the same boring story about Peaceland getting blown up each week, everything is now implied via effects shots as the Zone Fighter song plays. This opening is much better. Perhaps Zone Fighter is looking up!

When you build Warhammer maps on fault lines, things go bad…

There are earthquakes striking Tokyo. Instead of slight tremors, these are all like 9.5 Richter scale quakes! And since one single quake caused a huge tsunami and nuke meltdown and other problems in reality, the quakes shown briefly in the beginning would have destroyed Japan and half of Asia in real life!

Zone Fighter has a huge body count for a kids show.

Only Godzilla is awesome enough to headbutt a drill

Zone Fighter Episode 13 – Senritsu! Tanjoubi-no Kyoufu

Zone Fighter Episode 13 – Senritsu! Tanjoubi-no Kyoufu

aka Absolute Terror: Birthday of Horror! aka Hair-Raising! The Birthday of Terror

1973
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Jun Fukuda
Directed by Ishiro Honda


Zone Fighter vs. Birthday Cake! Only Zone Fighter could fight such a dastardly enemy. All others pale before him, even Godzilla is too yellow to appear to fight the birthday cake! Or, more likely, Godzilla knows this week’s enemy is lame and didn’t bother to return the producer’s calls! Godzilla is also watching his weight these days, thus skipping out on eating that sweet sweet cake.

The Republican Presidential Debates continue…

March of Godzilla 2012 carries on with a Godzilla-free episode, but there is still something for everyone to learn. What we do learn is that Japanese people sing “Happy Birthday” and write things on cakes in English. Also that if you hook a car battery up to a Terror-Beast, the monster gets a red force field that doesn’t work that well.

Stop for me, it’s the CLAW!

If you are Zone Fighter confused, check out the Zone Fighter splash page and learn you some Zone!

It’s Hotaru’s 16th birthday! Her family breaking out the cake and singing, including the Happy Birthday song that now requires huge royalties despite the fact it should have been public domain decades ago. But that’s a rant for another review. Happy Birthday, Hotaru! I hope you enjoy your cake…your DEATH CAKE!!!

Forget Chocolate Rain, we got Orange Julius Rain

Baron Garoga calls via TV to mock them because the cake is a bomb! Granted, that is dumb, so now they know to toss the cake, and Hikaru does, throwing it off a cliff. Then it explodes, too late to do any damage with candle shrapnel. If Baron Garoga would have just shut the frak up for 1 more minute, the Zones would be dead! The series would be over, and I could get back to reviewing a different tokusatsu series that I’ll end up not liking, either.

I’m 70% Megalon!