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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.2

October 11, 2012By

Tokyo Ballistic War – Cyborg High School Girl VS. Cyborg Beautiful Athletes Vol.2

aka Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.2

2010
Written by Takashi Misumi
Directed by Eiji Kamikura

Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.2 is here to answer all the questions we had at the end of Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.1. Like “Huh?” and “What?” and “Stop talking to me about Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.1! I’m calling the cops, creepo!” Okay, maybe the last one is just what people around me say as they frantically back away and spray mace, but the story continues. Zen Pictures gets creative, breaking the narrative from the original, as it was about taking down overpowered cyborg athletes, it’s now about saving your friend from fates worse than death. And taking down overpowered cyborg athletes on the side.

All your favorite cyborg devices are back, along with a few new surprises. They clearly wanted the final battle between Ai and Megumi to pack an emotional punch alongside the CGI cyborgial punch. Though Zen Pictures does include all the Zen Pictures tropes, so you fan service and torture fans have your cake as well. But please eat it at a different spot, this is the cool kids table.

As interesting as these films are just for their existence in the middle of a cottage industry of specialized cheap films, they don’t possess enough individual specialness to shine outside of their little corner. But they do make good role models in their little world. If the Tokyo Ballistic War films do anything, I hope they inspire the other Zen Pictures films to aspire higher and better, perhaps paving the way for a true crossover film, or at least helping to build future great filmmakers.

Ai Asaoka (Ayaka Noda) – Schoolgirl with a name similar to Megumi Asoaka, they become fast friends and Ai was then mistakenly turned into a fighting cyborg. She had defeated two Athlete-roids, but has now been captured by the villainous Koumoto.
Megumi Asaoka (Arisa Taki) – Schoolgirl member of the Japanese Sports Association who is friends with Ai. She must now rescue her friend before it is too late.
Chairman Gondo (???) – Chairman of the Japanese Sports Association, he takes the JSA seriously and cannot allow cyborg enhancements to ruin the purity of the games. He lost an eye, but like Nick Fury, it is never explained why…
Koumoto (???) – Evil executive at Dainippon and main proponent of the Athlete-roid technology. Is arrogant enough in his creations to not worry about the JSA’s meddling. Is threatening to rebuild Ai in evil form.
Kozue Hara – DNJ-01 – (Yuka Inoue) – Dead.
Ami Adachi – DNJ-02 – (Moe Aizawa) – Dead
Kyoko Yamaguchi – DNJ-03 – (Serika Noda) – Member of the wrestling team and dominates her opponents on the mat. Has a special vest that allows domination, and can crush with her giant hand stompers.
Hitomi Oka – DNJ-04 – (Momo Kasuga) – Member of the tennis team who lobs bombs at her opponents. And I don’t mean tennis bombs! Or do I…? Momo Kasuga is an adult film star.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.1

October 10, 2012By

Tokyo Ballistic War – Cyborg High School Girl VS. Cyborg Beautiful Athletes Vol.1

aka Tokyo Ballistic War Vol.1

2009
Written by Takashi Misumi
Directed by Eiji Kamikura

When last we reviewed a Zen Pictures‘ flick (the battle-tastic Sukeban Fighter Misaki), we discovered a whole world of cheap films cranked out filled with costumed heroines who then fight each other and get tortured in long sequences. Zen Pictures hasn’t changed, but they do follow the mantra of trying something new now and again. The latest craze in Japanese cinema that makes waves in the US is the super gory films from Sushi Typhoon and their allies, so that is a fertile ground for Zen Pictures to sweep into. And they do so with the Tokyo Ballistic War films, and do so with the same tiny budgets their normal films have. I have no problems with small budgets, they can lead to great creativity and use of resources. There is a reason that art via adversity is often better, why people complain about directors selling out, why the Star Wars prequels and their milquetoast characters and uninspired digital effects are considered lazy filmmaking, especially when compared to the fly by your pants budget and real models and sets and alien costumes Original Trilogy.

Zen Pictures have upped their presence in the global cinema scene, increasing the amount of films available with English subtitles and an enlarged English section on their website. But the subtitles are a bit hacky, with the names of people or organizations changing between films or even between sentences. And these films will never be more than a niche brand, even if there are a few breakouts like Tokyo Ballistic War.

Tokyo Ballistic War follows the Sushi Typhoon framework faithfully, even aping the opening action sequence that’s taken from the middle of the film teasers of their inspiration. But they can’t escape being Zen Pictures flicks, so both parts of Tokyo Ballistic War feature the required fan service, costumes, kidnapping, torture, torture with phallic stand-ins, splitting of the film into multiple parts for more sales, masked goons, and warehouses used as sets. The effects are crude, with computer graphics that will embarrass those not used to low quality. But there is some creative blood effects, and the director is smart enough to realize he needs to spray people with geysers of blood. There is even a couple of scenes that are creative, particularly a battle of flying fists. This is an interesting hybrid picture. It will not be everyone’s cup of tea, in fact, it’s probably so demographically targeted you are born knowing if it appeals to you.

In an alternate world where the superpower United Republic of Great Japan controls the planet, Japanese high school girl athletes are suddenly breaking records with exceptional domination. The secretive and evil corporation Dainippon is involved, bad things are happening, and no goods have been upped to. Doping? Hardly, Lance Armstrong! It’s cyborg enhancement! Dainippon has created Athlete-roids, which their director Koumoto plans to sell to the army. But do not despair, the JSA – Japanese Sports Association – is on the case! The JSA cannot let this threat to the integrity of sports stand, and must now create their own cyborg schoolgirls to fight back. Thus, begun the Tokyo Ballistic Wars have!

Ai Asaoka (Ayaka Noda) – Schoolgirl with a name similar to Megumi Asoaka, they become fast friends and Ai is then mistakenly turned into a fighting cyborg. She must get used to her new identity and learn to destroy the athletes she once admired.
Megumi Asaoka (Arisa Taki) – Schoolgirl member of the Japanese Sports Association who has a sense of honor and does not like what the Athlete-roids are doing to sports. Has volunteered to become the JSA’s fighting cyborg, but fate has other plans…
Chairman Gondo (???) – Chairman of the Japanese Sports Association, he takes the JSA seriously and cannot allow cyborg enhancements to ruin the purity of the games. He lost an eye, but like Nick Fury, it is never explained why… My guess is a chess match just went too far!
Koumoto (???) – Evil executive at Dainippon and main proponent of the Athlete-roid technology. Is arrogant enough in his creations to not worry about the JSA’s meddling.
Kozue Hara – DNJ-01 – (Yuka Inoue) – National volleyball member of the Republic of the United Japan, and famous throughout the Japanese schoolgirl community because she’s so awesome. But she’s also evil. EVIL!!! Because she’s a robot.
Ami Adachi – DNJ-02 – (Moe Aizawa) – Member of the National Swimming Team and certified lunatic. She will mer-make you dead! Moe Aizawa is an adult film star.
Kyoko Yamaguchi – DNJ-03 – (Serika Noda) – Member of the wrestling team and dominates her opponents on the mat.
Hitomi Oka – DNJ-04 – (Momo Kasuga) – Member of the tennis team who lobs bombs at her opponents. And I don’t mean tennis bombs! Momo Kasuga is an adult film star.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Alien Lightning Dragon (Review)

October 1, 2012By

Alien Lightning Dragon

aka 외계 번개용 aka Oegye beongye yong aka Alien Thunder Dragon 2

1988
Written and directed by Bang Sun-deok

You can smell the toxic fumes decades later…

It’s Wacky Korean Kiddie Flick Time! Today’s installment is the fabulous alien rock star women kidnapping children to turn into frozen popsicle dinners. Alien Lightning Dragon is filled with the usual Korean kiddie film tropes: “funny” fat guys, animated tokusatsu action sequences, annoying children, copyright infringement, and ridiculous costumes.

At TarsTarkas.NET, we know what we’re getting into when we delve into a Korean kiddie flick. And we also know that these films are barely watched by anyone, and deservedly so. But they are fun to gawk at, even if they are one of the worst cinematic genres on the planet.

Oh, honey, that’s not how you put on eyeshadow…

Gangs of space goons lead by rejects from the Jem and the Holograms cartoon invade various schoolyards and day care centers, kidnapping children and creepy adults who are playing children. The kids are destined to become dinner, and no one seems to care except a rag tag group of heroes and relatives of kidnapped children. Luckily, they also find a good Jem reject and her Alien Lightning Dragon megazord/costume/robot/whatever that can fight these space cases and save the day.

If this is a direct rip off of an actual property, then I feel sorry for whatever property it originally is. But what we get looks so generic and bad that I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all original and written just to reuse sets and costumes that are churned out on a production line, as there are literally dozens and dozens of these kid flicks.

The town had insulted Spider and Renegade, so they had to pay. Berry lead the charge, as always, and by sunrise every home was a burnt out cinder. Maple Falls never recovered.

Alien Lightning Dragon is an in name only sequel to Alien Thunder Dragon, made one year after the original. It looks like the only thing that made it to the sequel was the dragon costume and the animation. Like many of these films, there were cheap toy tie-ins and other merchandise, though most of it (except for a Making Of book) looks like it is based on the original film. The first film features a cadre of evil space ladies, and this sequel also features evil space ladies, so they at least aped the formula.

Wait a second…. This film has a secret underground compound where children are kidnapped? Is this a North Korean allegory? Do the wild flashy costumes of the evil space women mirror Kim Jong-il’s love of flashy Hollywood? Is Alien Lightning Dragon something larger than it appears at first? Probably not, but you never know…

Forget the Jem jokes, it’s time for some Go-Bot jokes!

Here at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles, and it’s not like knowing what the heck is going on would have made this film any less stupid. So enjoy the made up names, they’re probably better than the real ones. Even reading a synopsis I found only answers some questions:

Aliens are kidnapping the children of earth to use as frozen food. Kyung-ah and Hyung-cho use the Spirit Robots to go rescue them. Kyung-ah’s team finds the children, Hun and Young-mi, who are toys for the alien princess. But the alien queen finds out and is furious. She ends up capturing Kyung-ah’s team as well. At this, Prof. Min, Princess Aran, Yong, and Dung-bo recharge Lightening Dragon’s energy and go to rescue the children. A fight between the Dragon and the queen’s men is inevitable. Just as Lightening Dragon is nearly conquered, Dung-bo and the children blow their harmonicas. The queen who wanted to conquer earth is touched by the music and she repents all her past evil deeds.

The synopsis seems to think some minor characters are the real stars, and the main characters are barely mentioned.

We’re gonna track down Jerrica Benton and take her out!

Goofy Hero Guy (Jeon Young-rok) – The hero who keeps trying to save the day and also does some random pratfalls. According to the synopsis, he is Dung-bo. Jeon Young-rok is a famous singer, and his daughters are also in singing groups.
Crazy Mad Scientist (???) – Crazy mad scientist who finds Good Jem and the Alien Lightning Dragon, then fixes them both up so they can fight the Evil Jems. According to the synopsis his name is Professor Min.
Bald Goofy Guy (Cho Chun) – A goofy child care center employee who is drafted into the battle against the invading aliens when they attack his center. According to the synopsis, his name is Yong. Cho Chun appeared in more of these Korean Kiddie flicks than is probably healthy.
Good Jem (???) – The heroic good controller of the Alien Lightning Dragon, and also spends her time unconscious in the woods. According to the synopsis, her name is Princess Aran
Alien Lightning Dragon (???) – Good Jem’s costume/device/dragon that she controls and uses to fight the forces of evil.
Rescue Girls (???) – Two girls who wander around with a robot in search of their missing younger children. Despite being random kids, are more competent that all the heroes except the Professor. Judging by the plot synopsis, the girls are named Kyung-ah and Hyung-cho and their missing siblings are Hun and Young-mi. Carry a robot with them.
Their Robot (???) – The robot that the Rescue Girls carry around with them, who gives them information and clues and orders. According to the synopsis, the robot is a Spirit Robot, but the synopsis refers to them in the plural even though there is only one.
Queen Jem (???) – Leader of the evil alien invaders, who is very hungry for frozen children.
Jem Jr. (???) – Believe it or not, Jem Jr. is a girl and is the daughter of Queen Jem, and gets two kids as pets. Being close to the children makes Jem Jr. realize humans shouldn’t be eaten.
Bad Guy Goons (???) – The evil troops of the invading space women! Dumb as a box of rocks. Have very long tongues.
Looks like these films have a bigger body count than I thought!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Girls Unbutton

September 29, 2012By

Girls Unbutton

aka 不扣鈕的女孩 aka Bu kou niu de nu hai

1994
Written by Lam Chiu-Wing
Directed by Taylor Wong Tai-Loi

Girls Unbutton is a story about a woman’s search for love. Along the way she gets naked a lot, as do her friends, so it’s all good! A lot of people now compare it to Sex and the City, but Girls Unbutton came out years before that series. It’s spiritual predecessors are those European erotic journey films where they are narrated by the young lady who has a string of lovers until she finds the one that is best. There was a whole host of these in the 70s, though the genre seemed to peter out in the 80s. Many also featured internal dialogue in the form of diaries (as some were based on actual books!), and the diary aspect is carried over for Girls Unbutton. But not entirely, Jenny has two friends with ideas of their own about love and men, thus giving us external dialogue and conflict and nudity.

Despite the fact it appears to be nothing more than sleazy Category III that hastily straightened up the room before mom barged in, Girls Unbutton actually has seeds of an idea of a better film. It almost does a good job looking into the ins and out of relationships, of a woman’s search for love. But Jenny is thrust into various ridiculous scenarios that quickly take the winds out of the sails for a serious and good movie. Girls Unbutton is its own worst enemy. But also its greatest strength. Just the very fact the producers tried to do something makes it a cut above a lot of the slop. And Girls Unbutton is entertaining.

This is a Loletta Lee vehicle, so the plot revolves around her as our heroine Jenny. Jenny has a busy love life, but each relationship is not right for her. Will she ever find true love? Is there a Mr. Right? Will she and her friends be wearing any clothes in the next scene? We shall find out! This was the last film directed by Taylor Wong Tai-Loi, the talented director and fan of old school Cantonese flicks, which he showed his love with in Buddha’s Palm (1982) and Kung Fu Vs. Acrobatic (1990).

Jenny (Loletta Lee Lai-Chun) – Jenny is a modern girl searching for love in a land of duds and duddier duds. What’s a girl to do when everyone sucks or dies quickly?? Lounge around naked and write in your diary. Heck yeah! Loletta Lee was also in Summer Lover
Kate (Mikie Ng Miu-Yee) – Jenny’s friend who wants her to be a strong woman in love, which basically means being a horrible person. Mikie Ng Miu-Yee was awesomely sexual and dangerous in the vastly underrated Rock on Fire, but soon vanished to obscurity. She is sometimes credited as Wu Mia Oyi.
Jenny’s Friend Number Two (Hung Yuk-Laan) – Friend Number Two is such a good friend, she doesn’t even have a name. You don’t need one in the world of friends! Friend Number Two is just as friendly as Friend Number One, Kate. And just as naked!
Lung Mao (Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong) – Triad Boss who has a relationship with Jenny. Dies in battle.
Pong Kwong-Yim (David Siu Chung-Hang) – Politician who becomes the next failed relationship in Jenny’s life, though he doesn’t want to leave her life.
Ho (Leung Si-Ho) – The guy who is right for Jenny, for reasons not really stated, but he just is. You can tell by looking at him!
Ho’s Sister (Fan Oi-Git) – She never gets a name, and has a passion for losing her clothes accidentally. And she parades around he brother in a string bikini that covers less than dental floss!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Shadowless Sword

September 28, 2012By

Shadowless Sword

aka 무영검 aka Muyeong geom

2005
Written by Kim Tae-kwan and Sin Joon-hee
Directed by Kim Young-Jun

A stylized action flick overly heavy on outside influences, Shadowless Sword delivers some good wirework action, but not enough heart or story to put it beyond popcorn fare. The fact that Shadowless Sword is a Korean flick does transform some of the usual wuxia tropes into new forms, giving Shadowless Sword a uniqueness, but that’s not enough to satisfy.

A period piece filmed in China, Shadowless Swords gets it story from the ancient Korean kingdom of Balhae and is very very loosely based on reality. Balhae was conquered by the Kitans in 926, and the royal family was killed and the kingdom turned into a puppet state that was eventually absorbed. But the last crown prince Dae Gwang-hyeon escaped with around 300 followers, arriving in Goryeo (the Kingdom from which modern Korea sprang) and causing occasional trouble for the Kitan. From reading up, the actual Dae Guang-hyeon history sounds much more interesting than the story used here. (If you are confused by the Dae Guang-hyeon/Dae Jeong-Hyun being the same person that, welcome to the wonderful world of different translation schemes colliding!)

Shadowless Sword‘s action sequences are heavily invested with wirework, and at times almost too choreographed. You start to notice a pattern and then predict when there will be a cut as the actor flips to suddenly fly in the air. But the choreography not bad, in particular the duel between Yeon So-Ha and Mae Young-Ok in the marketplace is very nice.

There is a heavy emphasis on qigong energy type moves, attacks cause the walls and pillars to explode in ridiculous fashion when people are thrown into them. In physical attack, bodies can explode violently, sometimes much later than the physical attack itself.

This expands with a sort of sword energy mythology – Shadowless Sword tries to include including philosophy of sword debates, can swords become noble or evil, or is it up to the user to decide what the sword is. Can a sword become evil? Where does the morality of killing come from? Another major point is two swords that are brothers, the swords being connected and also the people using the swords are connected

One neat thing is the energy attacks also work underwater, this is the only film I can recall seeing where energy is blasted back and forth underwater causing the energy pushing the water to be used as a weapon (The Last Airbender doesn’t count!) There is also lots and lots of shuriken. At one point bad guys throw like 100s of shuriken into the water likes they are machine guns, which is sort of bad. It crosses into ridiculous territory and takes you out of the film.

Shadowless Sword does borrow a lot of visuals from other films, Crouching Tiger gives us flying rooftop chases, a Korean gang has everyone dressed up like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean (if this is accurate historical costuming, then we’re though a rabbit hole now, people!), the energy stuff sounds like it’s from a billion manga comics, fields of flags see straight from Kurosawa, and the end scene is very recognizable as well. If Shadowless Sword can’t be bothered to be less obvious in what it steals, then I can’t be bothered to care too much.

Yeon So-Ha (Yoon So-yi) – The best fighter of the surviving Balhae forces. Yeon So-Ha joined the army as a young girl after her whole family was killed. Carries a special shadowless sword (Muyeong geom) of which only two were made.
Prince Dae Jeong-Hyun (Lee Seo-jin) – Exiled prince and last surviving member of the Balhae royal family. He’s reluctantly taken from his black market dealings under the name Sosam and brought back to lead his people by Yeon So-Ha.
Gun Hwa-Pyung (Shin Hyun-jun) – Gun Hwa-Pyung’s father was a traitor to the prior King of Balhae and was executed along with his entire family, but Gun Hwa-Pyung survived the execution and joined up with the Khitan, leading the feared Killer Blade Army. It is his goal to eliminate the entire royal family for revenge
Mae Young-Ok (Lee Ki-Yong) – Female member of the Killer Blade Army and great admirer of Gun Hwa-Pyung, but his quest for revenge keeps him from being anything more than her commanding officer.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Zero Woman: Dangerous Game

September 23, 2012By

Zero Woman: Dangerous Game

aka Zero Woman: Abunai yugi

1998
Written by Hidekazu Takahara, Takashi Kaneda, and Miyuki Takahashi
Based on the Manga by Toru Shinohara
Directed by Hidekazu Takahara

Duckface photos from before MySpace????

The Zero Woman films are a series of Japanese movies that revolve around a female government agent who operates as someone beyond the law, able to execute criminals when the system is failing. Based on a comic series (O-ka no onna by Toru Shinohara), the first film was 1974’s Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs, which has since become more of a cult item thanks to it being released on DVD. There were no Zero Woman films again until the 1990s, where the series was revived as more of an anthology, with each installment having a different director and lead actress starring a Rei. This allowed the directors to go however they wanted and gave each entry its own distinct flavor. But it also dealt with the realities of the no-budget direct-to-DVD world of the late 90s. Which means some of the entries are complete garbage. Some are also less than garbage. I’m happy to say, Zero Woman: Dangerous Game is less than garbage! The Zero Woman films through the 90’s are: Zero Woman: Final Mission (1995), Zero Woman 2 (1995), Zero Woman: Assassin Lovers (1996), Zero Woman: The Accused (1997), Zero Woman: The Hunted (1997), and this one, Zero Woman: Dangerous Game. There is also another movie from 2004 simply titled Zero Woman, and a follow-up Zero Woman R.

The Zero Woman concept is that there is a super-maxi-extreme-ultra-top-secret division of the police or something called Zero Division which is basically an old chief, a less old main investigator, and Rei, the woman they send to blow away evil criminals. We know something is up because you can’t divide by zero, thus their entire department’s name is there to make math majors enraged as they watch the DVDs. As these flicks are exploitative features, they have plenty of gun violence and naked chicks, but at least this one has some weird visuals and a gay subtext. It also has an awful DVD transfer, with a fuzzy grainy effect that makes the whole picture look faded.

Chieko Shiratori is a semi-famous Japanese model who had a couple of nude picture books and acted in a few films, then vanished to be married and have kids like a lot of these model/actresses do. She was known for her muscular-ish frame and strong silent-type acting. She looks like she is constantly playing a never-ending poker game.

Zero Woman: We got DVDs to sell!

Rei (Chieko Shiratori) – Employed in Tokyo Police Department’s top secret Zero Division. Is a lesbian in this one, but I don’t think she is consistently lesbian across the film canon. Blows away more criminals than the Death Wish guy.
Nana (Ichiho Matsuda) – Turncoat on the Yakuza because they treated her like crap. A spoiled mob princess who is also a pseudo-lesbian. Pseudo-lesbianism is the only thing that can melt Rei’s ice heart. Her feelings for Natsume cause her to return to the mob to extract vengeance, which results in her death.
Natsume (Terunori Miyazaki) – One of Kaneda’s loyal goons, but not so loyal he couldn’t stop from banging Kaneda’s girl Nana. Though he does end up sleeping with Kaneda as well. That is, before he’s turned into Natsume soup and eaten by Kaneda.
Kaneda (Masayoshi Nogami) – Mobster. Former lover of Nana, who has now turned on him. Doesn’t like love, thinks hate is a more honest emotion. Enjoys dressing in drag, dressing as a creepy clown, eating Natsume soup, and creeping out his mob goons. Gets blown away, Zero Woman style.
Zero Woman: Attorney at Law!
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