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The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.


2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

The Girl from Bikini
I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!

In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.

The Girl from Bikini
Attica! Attica!

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.

Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!

The Girl from Bikini
Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!

While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”

Tania X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret agent of B.I.K.I.N.I., put on the case to track down who is interfering with the Sensible Satellite Radio signals.
Mr. Whatley (Brad Bartram) – The boss of B.I.K.I.N.I., at least until the next film…
Mark Ten (Voodoo/Alexandre Boisvert) – Agent of the CIA who becomes part of the case as he’s tangentially related with his bodyguard duties.
Samantha Rhinehart (Rebecca Love) – Heir to the Rhineheart family that owns Sensible Satellite Radio, is a nymphomaniac (the best kind of maniac!) Was being guarded by Mark Ten, who brought her along when he teamed up with Tania X to find out what’s going on.
Patty Mercury (Nicole Sheridan) – Stripper who knows of information concerning the jamming of agent satellite feed. All strippers are well versed in satellite communications information. That and clear high heels.
Mong Lee (Evan Stone) – Fay Wong’s servant Evan Stone’s wacky costume this movie is vaguely Japanese warrior garb. How did this warrior come into service of Fay Wong? That is a tale that is for you to write!
Fay Wong (Gianna Lynn) – Tong warlord and secret mastermind behind the plot to control agent radio signals. Not sure why, because this plan won’t make any money and will just put a target on her back from every spy agency in the world.
Randolph Davis (Randy Spears) – Rich businessman who is up to nefarious deeds for cash. He’s also a date rapist, so fuck this guy!
Kim Chee (Lacie Heart) – Fay Wong’s lady friend that she does lady friendly things with, those lady friendly things being sexual in nature.
Nikita (Anthony Hardwood) – That show Nikita is pretty good, and the other, earlier show was also good. And the movies are various levels of good. This Nikita isn’t a show or movie, but is a Russian agent who gets caught in Tania X’s web of seduction. And then caught in her right hook.
The Girl from Bikini
The Mime from BIKINI!

Naked Lust

Naked Lust


2009
Written by Abe Froman
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Naked Lust
This is how 50 Shades of Grey begins!

Naked Lust is hardly the sex-o-maniac nypho party the title implies, but is in fact a more sweet story of a woman attempting to reconnect with her first school crush that she was unable to go to the dance with due to life. It’s also a story about a pop princess looking to be inspired so she can write some hit songs, and her lovable goofball manager who would do anything for her. And probably some junk about the media, though most of that hits the back burner. In any even, it’s actually pretty entertaining. And it should be, since Naked Lust was written by Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago. This may be a pseudonym… Director Demitri Nessun also helmed Cougar School.

Naked Lust
This is what to do when the Naked Lust comes for you!

Naked Lust has a good balance of a story that is interesting (if extended), likable actors, and plenty of scenes that are the reason this plays at late night on Cinemax and not on Lifetime. While relying on a nostalgia-fueled fantasy for a plot point, the film and the main character comes to the realization that the fantasy is just a fantasy, and people move on and evolve. Therefore she embraces her reality and everyone gets a happy ending.

Naked Lust
He’s turning into that scene from Innerspace! Also why am I referencing Innerspace?

Cherry Pop (Kaylani Lei) – Cherry Pop is the current most famous pop star ever, but she needs to come out with another song before she’s replaced by the next young thing to come along. She was originally named Carla. Kaylani plays Cherry Pop like a slightly burnt out but still light-hearted Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, which fits how she’s written.
Ape (Joe Souza as Matt Dalpiaz) – Cherry Pop’s manager and wannabe lover. Despite having feelings for her, she still needs to sort things out, so he has to support her. He comes off a lot like Steve from Married with Children, which just adds to the sitcom vibe.
Rachel (Leigh Livingston) – Rachel is a local reporter who gets the station in hot water when she broadcasts some live sexing between Cherry Pop and Ape. So she sticks around to document the creation of Cherry Pop’s new album, and ends up getting hired back by her station.
Chad Laroy (Mike Nike) – The record guy who hates all of Cherry Pop’s new songs and threatens to replace her, up to the point of actually replacing her. I guess having hit records isn’t really all that big of a deal any more…
Kitty Kat (Brynn Tyler) – A potential replacement for Cherry Pop being auditioned by Chad. Has zero brains and even less talent. She’s more like Kitty Litter.
The Cowboy (Alan Stafford) – The Cowboy is a famous tv commercial cowboy, but his real name is Ian and he lives with his mom. Is still somehow a big catch, because he’s a cowboy, don’t you know?
Jonah (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Cherry’s old ex-boyfriend who wanted to be a NASCAR racer. Was to be her prom date but stood her up.
Naked Lust
She’s naked and has lust, I dunno!

Tai Chi Hero

Tai Chi Hero

aka 太極Ⅱ:英雄崛起 aka Tai Chi 2: The Hero Rises

2012
Written by Chang Chia-Lu and Cheng Hsiao-Tse
Directed by Stephen Fung Tak-Lun

Tai Chi Hero
How do I pee in this thing???

While Tai Chi Zero spent most of it’s running time setting up an Eastern tradition vs. Western modernism dichotomy that clashed with the very editing processes used to make Tai Chi Zero visually entertaining if nothing more than fluff, Tai Chi Hero tries a different tact. A method of uniting the different aspects of not only the film series, but of the culture clashes and personal clashes. The film is all about reconciliation, reunion, and combining into a greater whole. A balanced whole between the yin and yang, which is a part of the philosophy of tai chi.

Tai Chi Hero
Suddenly the movie goes all Forrest Gump!

There are still lots of plot lines to resolve, since the last film didn’t bother to finish anything up. And don’t expect everything to get resolved this time, either, though at least most of the problems are solved. At the last minute. Tai Chi Hero‘s attempts to have more of a story feels better, but conflicts with the flashy editing and choreography that was the only charm of the first part. So while being a better film on the whole, Tai Chi Hero manages to disappoint in the area that gained it fame, while not making enough up in the other aspects. Instead of the parts balancing together into a better whole, instead we just a big confusing mess, which defeats the whole message of the film! This is where Homer Simpson would say “D’oh!”

If you see one Tai Chi -ero movie, make it Hero, but seriously consider grabbing something else. Make it a balanced viewing where you also watch a decent film.

Tai Chi Hero
Rah rah, ah ah ahh
Roma, Roma ma ah
GaGa, Ou lala

Yang Lu Chan/The Freak (Jayden Yuan Xiao-Chao) – The hero from our last film is marrying into the Chen clan so all his tendon’s aren’t ripped out. And also to learn the kung fu he needs to survive. And to help save his home. And also because he loves Chen Yu Niang.
Chen Yu Niang (AngelaBaby) – Daughter of Master Chen Chang Xing, marries Yang Lu Chan despite not loving him nor wanting to be tied down with the responsibility, but Yang Lu Chan will prove himself over time. Helps him achieve balance.
Chen Chang Xing (Tony Leung Ka-Fai) – Master of the Chen clan and Chen Village. His strictness has caused family problems which are brought up again during a plot against Chen Village. Manages to play roles of both the wise elder and the antagonist of one of the minor heroes, before achieving redemption and thus, balance.
Chen Zai Yang (William Fung Shiu-Fung) – Oldest son of Chen Chang Xing, who was run out of town do to his preference of technology over martial arts. He returned in a complicated plot and eventually tries to redeem himself. His wife Jin Yun Er is a capable woman and partner despite being mute.
Fang Zi Jing (Eddie Peng Yu-Yan) – The villain returns with a complicated plot of revenge against Chen village involving working and bribing his way to getting an East India Company funded army to blow the crap out of the town. Which he does, and probably killed dozens of people, so I guess he sort of gets revenge even though he’s stopped.
Tai Chi Hero
More clockworks than A Clockwork Orange!

Big Bad Sis

Big Bad Sis

aka 沙膽英 aka Sa daam ying

1976
Written by Sze-To On
Directed by Sun Chung

Big Bad Sis
Shaw Brothers gives us a tale of bad girl factory workers! It is an interesting spin on the delinquent schoolgirl approach, having the girls just out of school and holding down jobs, but still being delinquent. Big Bad Sis is an interesting hybrid, because it’s an action film with clear influences from the Japanese Sukeban/Pinky violence flicks, but it’s also a Hong Kong Triad film and manages to throw in some left wing pro-labor and pro-women’s rights issues. With just enough exploitation to satisfy those who need that as well. Big Bad Sis may be a stew made from many random ingredients, but they work together to give an entertaining flick.
Big Bad Sis
Big Bad Sis shows that sometimes you gotta fight. Whether it is for your job or to protect innocent people in the bathroom or because of crazy triad gambling den drama or because your boss is a piece of garbage or all of those reasons combined into a gigantic reason. A bid bad reason, which is why you need your sisters!

Fung Ying (Chen Ping) – Ah Ying is the tough as nails former gangster turned factory worker who defends the innocent and becomes friends with her fellow oppressed factory workers, even forming her own sort of gang. But her past begins to catch up with her.
Sai Chu (Siu Yam-Yam) – An orphan raised in the system, and then released where she starts biking around nude and stabbing people. Becomes Ah Ying’s biggest fan and a tough chick in her own right.
Chan Fong (Chong Lee) – A young girl with naughty stepfather who runs away from home to get away from his wandering hands. Her looks make her a target of everyone with awing hands, but her new gang affiliation allows her to be able to stand up and fight back.
Big Brother Dai Gi-Luk (Wang Hsieh) – Gang leader who used to employ/date Ah Ying, and is bitter about her leaving. Sends his goons to harass her.
Brother Shing (Chen Kuan-Tai) – Old friend of Ah Ying who defends her from Big Brother’s men.
Wai (Wong Chung) – One of Big Brother’s gang, but a friend of Ah Ying. He won’t renounce his boss despite his feelings for her.

Big Bad Sis

Rebel

Rebel


2012
Written and directed by Lawrence Raghavendra

Rebel
Only Rebel has the power to defeat flaming torches with his chest!

If you want ridonkulous action sequences and stylized hyperediting like a music video on speed, then you quickly break out some Telugu action cinema. So we did, and the film we got was Rebel, a revenge story that sadly gets a little too much flashy without backing it up. There is still some entertaining parts, but a bit of schizophrenia and pacing problems keep Rebel from becoming engaging.

Rebel
Duh-Doy!

Rebel seems torn as to what kind of film it is. It’s a revenge action film, no doubt, but the question is just how serious should we be taking it? Before the intermission everything seems more action comedy, but after the intermission we’ve suddenly shifted into action drama. There are even actors who only appear in certain halves of the flick to emphasize the tonal shifts (comedic actor Brahmanandam appears in the humor section, while legendary actor Krishnamraju is only after the intermission.)

Rebel suffers from not introducing who characters are before major scenes where we are supposed to care that they are in danger or are committing acts of violence. Sure, a few of them are played by famous actors who are almost always heroes or villains, so it is expected what they are doing, but it’s not the case all the time. A good film will give you just enough to connect and care about a character you don’t know before things happen, while Rebel doesn’t bother to set that up.

Rebel
Needs more explosions flipping cars.

I’ll also complain about how this film treats women, because it does so very badly. There are two main women in Rebel. Nandini is the daughter of a criminal who is wooed by the hero as a ruse to get to her father. But of course she ends up falling for the hero anyway because of how awesome he is, and he ends up with her because she’s Tamannaah. Rishi wins her heart by doing the most ridiculous PUA technique I’ve seen in a film. He calls her ugly, which freaks her out so much she has a conference with all of her friends to reassure her, then spends the next few scenes trying to convince Rishi that she is attractive just to show him up that she’s attractive. Then he’s like “I was saying you were beautiful the whole time!” and she betrays her dad for him, even capturing him for torture. The other female is Deepali, who was Rishi’s great love and was murdered by the villains. She’s an orphan, and finally gets a family to belong to right before her death. Now, her character isn’t treated badly beyond being killed, but at the end of the film Nandini declares that Rishi should call her Deepali, which implies that Nandini is gone and is now playing the part of Deepali, a woman she never met, just to please her man. I find that insulting to both characters, and to the concept of grief. Yes, I’m complaining about how Rebel treats the concept of grief!

Despite the critical and TarsTarkas.NET complaints, Rebel did well at the box office because it’s designed for mass appeal. It’s got visual tricks up the wazoo, action action action, and villains who are hilariously evil. And Tamannaah. It even scored one of those rare things for Indian cinema, a BluRay DVD that doesn’t look terrible (except the moving watermark!) Eega got robbed.

Rebel
It’s called symbolism, people!

Rishi (Prabhas) – Rishi is a man on a mission, a mission of vengeance. Stephen Robert better watch their butts! Don’t worry, you will get filled in with great detail Rishi’s tragic backstory. Prabhas is a film star who achieved massive fame in recent years due to appearing in a string of hit movies. He has earned the nickname Young Rebel Star due to his acting style.
Nandini (Tamannaah) – Daughter of Nanu, the main guard of villains Stephen Robert. Nandini moved to Bangkok to teach dance because she disapproves of her father’s lifestyle Tamannaah is an actress and model who has made a name for herself in both Tamil and Telugu cinema. Tamanna Bhatia changed the spelling of her name due to numerological reasons.
Deepali (Deeksha Seth) – Deepali was the love of Rishi’s life. Then she was murdered! To death! It was very sad because she was an orphan. Deeksha Seth is an actress and model who has recently begun appearing in Tamil and Telugu cinema.
Nasa (Brahmanandam) – Narasa Raju – aka Nasa – is Rishi’s guide during the first half of the film, helps him get acquainted with the Stephen Robert situation and assists in the seduction of Nandini. Disappears after intermission.
Mr. Bhoopathi (Krishnamraju) – The strong-integrity father of Rishi who wants his son to not be in the tough enforcing of good things via goon squad violence business he is in. Is murdered. Krishnam Raju is a legend in the Telugu film industry and was a megastar in the 70s and 80s. He’s also Prabhas’s uncle and was also known as Rebel Star, thus his inclusion as our Rebel’s righteous father Bhoopathi is a legacy role.
Rebel
It stinks!

Tai Chi Zero

Tai Chi Zero

aka 太極1從零開始 aka Tai Chi 0

2012
Written by Chang Chia-Lu and Cheng Hsiao-Tse
Directed by Stephen Fung Tak-Lun

Tai Chi Zero
Mike Mulligan and Mary Anne are back, but darker and edgier!

A festive feast of visual excess that leaves you unsatisfied and full of regret, Tai Chi Zero is that mirage in the desert that looks good, but is nothing but sand when you get up close. The fun graphics and video game inspired editing are polish over a generic and predictable plot that doesn’t even do us the favor of trying to be creative. All the enthusiasm and cool effects are wasted, and that just makes me mad!

Now, I love cool looking visuals and razzmatazz editing. But you need something beneath that that’s just as creative. When the story is essentially something that has been done to death a thousand times, often more creatively, it’s just not exciting. The cast, the look, the effects, the wasted potential.

Tai Chi Zero
Chef Emeril Lagasse?

The main hero’s arc tale is set against a conflict that is essentially the modern West vs. the traditional East. Of course, tradition and kung fu wins out over technology and guns. One of the ways to get your film easily approved by Chinese censors is to make it about how awesome China is, so a lot like this is an easy pass. Creative films use that “China rules!” setting to say other things that censors are too dull to pick up on. Instead, Tai Chi Zero has characters saying how technology is bad in scenes with video game graphics and editing. It’s almost as if there is something else being said, but there isn’t. This expectation and disappointment exposes Tai Chi Zero as nothing more than a mannequin that can’t talk or move, but sure is wearing a pretty dress in the store display window. But it has encouraged me to go find some real people in real clothes, aka good movies. The East vs. West thing is even more hilarious because I can literally walk to the high school producer Daniel Wu went to school at here in America.

Tai Chi Zero
It’s the cover of one of those cheap shot on video horror films!

The action scenes I have little complaint with. The diagrams and arrows while the characters go through their stances were neat touches, and Sammo Hung and Andy Cheng Kai-Chung know what they’re doing to make things looks cool. The video game stylizing is incorporated into the choreography, which makes many scenes look like they are straight from a fighting arcade game. When each cast member first shows up, there are character cards for each of them as well as a brief one sentence bio. Besides looking cool, the biographies are good for beginners to Hong Kong/Chinese cinema, and good for those of us who don’t keep up with wushu stars who are making their first appearance in film.

Tai Chi Zero
SURRENDER HUMANS! TODAY THE MACHINES RISE!

Tai Chi Zero‘s tale is your normal hero’s arc story. Yang Lu Chan is The Freak, born with a super rare skin tag on his forehead which means he has super kung fu powers. Which is good, because he doesn’t have super brain powers. Discovered at a young age by a master, Yang Lu Chan is trained as a warrior and becomes his greatest fighter in the battles that come. But a chance encounter with Master Dong clues Yang Lu Chan in that his kung fu skills will prematurely kill him unless he learns negative kung fu, which is only taught in Chen Village, and then not to outsiders.

Yang Lu Chan/The Freak (Jayden Yuan Xiao-Chao) – A fictionalized version of real a tai chi master and teacher, Yuan Xiao-Chao is depicted as a martial arts prodigy with a growth on his forehead – the three crown blossoms – that gives him supernatural powers when smacked. It also will kill him if he doesn’t learn the style of kung fu taught in Chen Village. So he goes to learn. Is not very bright.
Chen Yu Niang (AngelaBaby) – Daughter of Master Chen, leader of the Chen School. She and her boyfriend Fang Zijing are trying to persuade Chen Village to accept the rail station that is planned to be built there. Until Fang Zijing goes bad and rejects her, then she tries to save her home from his plans.
The Old Labourer/Chen Chang Xing (Tony Leung Ka-Fai) – Gee, could this mysterious Yoda character secretly be Master Chen Chang Xing? Duh Doy! Of course, he’s just using Yang Lu Chan to save his village, but eventually is less manipulatively evil about it when the crap hits the fan. Is also a fictionalized version of a real person.
Fang Zijing (Eddie Peng Yu-Yan) – Chinese citizen educated overseas in England, who tries to bring modern technology back to the scoffing villagers. Is never accepted in Chen village and eventually rejects it in favor of not looking like a failure in front of the Emperor. Brings the giant steam machine to forcibly build the rails and reconnects with his overseas lover Claire Heathrow.
Claire Heathrow (Mandy Lieu) – Fang Zijing’s sweetheart from England who has come over as part of the East India company to lay tracks, and also to come with Fang.
Tai Chi Zero
I hate it when my steam-powered superweapon is infested with lady ninjas!t