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Gigantes Planetarios
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Gigantes Planetarios (Review)

February 8, 2014By

Gigantes Planetarios

aka Planetary Giants
Gigantes Planetarios
1967
Story by Alfredo Ruanova
Screenplay by Alfredo Ruanova and Emilio Gómez Muriel
Directed by Alfredo B. Crevenna
Gigantes Planetarios
Mexican science fiction was in a heyday in the 1960s, not only was the lucha libre genre doing strong work and showing masked wrestlers battling all sorts of beings, but there also was a nice batch of exploration scifi. These features would fit in nicely with the 1950s science fiction output in America, especially the many early rocket films that featured long sequences of astronauts preparing for their rocket missions, taking off in their rocket ships, and dealing with every day space annoyances like meteors, which usually meant an extended spacewalk sequence to repair the damage. These films became superseded in the 1960s by films where things don’t take 75 minutes for something to happen. Gigantes Planetarios (aka Planetary Giants) comes off as a nice hybrid of styles. There is still the homebrew science astronauts and slow build to actual rocket flight, but by then we got aliens and dictators and murder, so things are happening!
Gigantes Planetarios
Director Alfredo B. Crevenna and producer Emilio Gómez Muriel decided to save on money by producing two films at once, so Gigantes Planetarios is immediately followed by El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras. The films have a few mirror parallels, but end up being different in tone and quality. While Gigantes Planetarios features the Planet of Eternal Night, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras goes to the Planet of Eternal Light. Gigantes Planetarios has a society dominated by a dictatorial male, while El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras has a society dominated by a dictatorial female (and is an all-woman society!) Both films feature Professor Daniel Wolf pretending to be a tough guy villain in order to fool the aliens. Both films feature an extended boxing match that ends with a character paid to throw the fight. Overall, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras just ends up being more fun, because it fully embraces its campiness while still delivering a good story.

That isn’t to say Gigantes Planetarios is bad, it just takes a while to get going before running around on the alien planet begins. But ultimately, things don’t come together into a bunch of fun, it just goes along being average. And average doesn’t always cut it. There are some golden scenes, especially when the aliens are first invading Earth and blasting people at random. Those darn aliens, who will they blast next?
Gigantes Planetarios

Professor Daniel Wolf (Guillermo Murray) – Famous professor of knowing stuff, he gets involves in the whole aliens coming to Earth and doing sabotage business. Takes over the construction of Professor Walter’s rocketship and flies it to the invading planet to take the fight to the aliens.
Silvia (Adriana Roel) – Professor Wolf’s loyal assistant, she joins the space crew against his wishes and proves herself a valued member of the team as they fight the alien menace.
Marcos Godoy (Rogelio Guerra) – A boxer looking for a place to hid from the mob, he ends up accidentally joining the space mission when he steals the spacesuits of the real pilots.
Rey Taquito (José Ángel Espinosa “Ferrusquilla”) – The comic relief manager of Marcos who also accidentally joins the space mission. Is the older blue collar viewpoint.
El Protector (José Gálvez) – The nefarious dictator of The Planet of Eternal Darkness, bent on harassing Earth and has no regard for the life of his own men.

Gigantes Planetarios

Booty Hunter
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Booty Hunter (Review)

January 25, 2014By

Booty Hunter

Booty Hunter
2012
Written by ???
Directed by Count Matevossian

Booty Hunter

Just where is that damn booty at??


From the depths of late night cable comes Booty Hunter, a film about hunting booties, I guess. Actually, it’s about some women (one of which is a skipchaser for her bail bonds company) tracking down their old flame to warn him he’s in trouble. And many characters get some booty, and I don’t mean pirate treasure.

Booty Hunter is helmed by a crew of fake names. From director Count Matevossian to producer Mr. Acid to editor Sticky Fingers, the only real names are the actor credits (and even then at least one isn’t credited!) I have no clue who Eros Filmz is, there is no information that I was able to track down that wasn’t people talking about Booty Hunter, and they don’t seem to have any other film out. The entire production is a mystery, a mystery that maybe you can solve, if you like to solve mysteries or are someone who worked on the film and want to spill the beans. Me? I’m just going analyze and review, because I got a million other films to get through.

Booty Hunter

Booty delivery!


The weirdness of Booty Hunter‘s creatives hiding their names is amplified by the film having creative sections. There are two keen montages – a “life in the fast lane” montage and a chase sequence deliberately designed to be confusing. Both showed editing and creativity that softcore features often lack. A weirder quirk is the sex scenes having slow motion segments, something that was popular in the 90s but I haven’t noticed as much recently. The number of scenes is frequent, but their lengths are shorter, as Booty Hunter tries to rush through it’s plot while still delivering lots of naked people.
Booty Hunter

How did someone manage to hit the side of my car parked nearest to the curb???


Unlike other films that all seem to take place in the same two or three fancy million dollar homes, Booty Hunter‘s homes look more rustic, more working class dwelt in. They aren’t cleaned up, there is clutter everywhere, old furniture and appliances. They feel real, like the houses the characters would be at. Not everyone has the super expensive stuff, nor keeps the house largely bare. Many people have junk all over the place, and characters who spend all day having sex with random people aren’t going to stop to do some light vacuuming. That just gets in the way of the sex! The realness of the houses adds to the hotness of the sex scenes, because they shatter down the fantasy aspect and bring it back to the real. Booty Hunter could be happening in your living room this very moment. Are you sure someone named Maxx isn’t having sex on your carpet floor right now? Go check, quick!

I am an advocate of a diversity of film production companies in a niche, because that leads to more creativity and a stronger pool of films on the whole. One-off entries like this get my attention because they offer something different, even if it utilizes many of the same actors (who are familiar faces to watchers of Jim Wynorski or Mainline Releasing films) So it’s important to support Booty Hunter‘s existence. The film itself delivers some entertainment, but in the end, it doesn’t come together as well as I would have liked. But I would be interested in more Eros Filmz productions, decided the mystery group wants to continue the mystery…

Booty Hunter

Detective Booty Hunter, LAPD!


Nikki (Brandy Aniston) – A skip tracer for BH Bailbonds, hired to track down her old flame Maxx, and does a good job, locating his apartment only several days after she’s hired. Good thing the mob is even worse at their job!
Joanie (Angie Savage) – Joanie is one of Maxx’s former flames, who hires Nikki to track him down before the mob. Also she prioritizes having sex with Nikki to tracking down Maxx. And she knows more of what Maxx did than the mob people. Basically, she’s a mastermind, but not evil.
Maxx (Dale DaBone) – Maxx is this guy who has sex with a lot of women, but is so lovable that they all love him regardless. He just oozes charisma. Or so the film tells us. Maxx is emotionally immature and a criminal, but by the end of the film he reforms and becomes responsible. That’s our Maxx!
Heather (Alia Janine) – Heather is suggested to keep an eye on Maxx by Mob Guy, offering her a large sum of money. She decides the best way to do so is to seduce him. After sleeping with Maxx and explaining he “borrowed” her car, but being extremely unconcerned about it, she disappears from the movie.
Ashley The Pizza Girl (Ash Hollywood) – Ashley is the new pizza girl on the block, and increases her delivery time by spending far too long at Maxx’s apartment. Because they’re getting it on! I’d make a joke about not forgetting the bread sticks, but that would make no sense. In fact, why did I even write that? Ignore that writing about a bad joke!
Cowboy Hat Dude (Seth Gamble) – He’s a dude in a cowboy hat who thinks he’s gonna score with Nikki, until she reveals she’s bringing him back to jail! Dude, that’s why you should never have sex if you’ve missed a court date.
Mob Guy (???) – An angry mob man who has tracked down his former employee, Maxx, who stole a bunch of money. Except he didn’t really track down Maxx, because otherwise the film would be over before it began. No clue who plays this guy. Could he be the editor, Mr. Acid? Yes, let’s go with that.
Booty Hunter

Just checking your teeth for booties!

Showdown at the Equator
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Showdown at the Equator (Review)

January 24, 2014By

Showdown at the Equator

aka 過江龍獨闖虎穴 aka Guo jiang long du chuang hu xue
Showdown at the Equator
1978
Written and directed by Gwan Jing-Leung

Showdown at the Equator

Trashing restaurants is soooooo boring!


It’s a kung fu cop action flick from the late 1970s, so you know it will be full screen and dubbed terribly. The characters will be wearing outfits that make fashion police commit suicide, and the plot will only occasionally make sense. Throw in scenes that are just there for excuses for more fights and characters whose names change depending on who is talking, and you got yourself a movie. Just don’t hurt yourself getting down to the funky theme song. Because it’s the only thing that’s funky.

Showdown at the Equator is about gangs that extort protection money out of small business owners, and the cops that are bringing them down. The film doesn’t bother to tell us certain characters are cops (though it’s easy to deduce), and spends a long time putting together the reason why the plan is so complicated. But Showdown at the Equator does have a more unconventional final battle sequence, the characters that end up fighting aren’t quite the matchups you think they’ll be.

Showdown at the Equator

Peter Tork!


As part of the massive deluge of kung fu films pumped out to feed the overseas demand, Showdown at the Equator packs in a lot of action, even if it doesn’t make any sense. The action it does well, the choreography pretty decent for a film obviously made in a hurry with little money for fancy rigs or setups. It’s got that small budget charm that you get from picking a random martial arts vhs from the video store (if your store was cool enough to have a martial arts section!) I enjoy these films, but I recognize what they are, that they aren’t for everyone, and that Showdown at the Equator has a lot of problems that keeps it from being a film anyone remembers anything about. Good thing I took notes!
Showdown at the Equator

Herbie, NOOOO!!!


Chen Wan Tu-Lei (Nora Miao Ke-Hsiu) – Daughter of a restaurant owner who is targeted by the extortion gangs. She knows enough martial arts thanks to her nunchucks that she can fight back some when the gang trashes their place.
Yu Wang-Yeung (Larry Lee Gam-Kwan) – A drunk that helps the Chen family rebuild their restaurant multiple times thanks to stacks of cash he has with no explanation. He’s really an undercover cop trying to bring down the gang by infiltrating it by being an awesome fighter. Of course Chen Wan falls for him.
Chen Chung (Yiu Ping) – Restaurant owner and father of Chen Wan Tu-Lei. Tries to be friendly with the extortion gang, but they trash his place regardless. Mr. Chen Chung is sometimes called Ching Chung depending on who is speaking.
Li Shung (Bruce Leung Siu-Lung) – An undercover informant for cops who is exposed halfway through the film. He barely crosses paths with Yu Wang-Yeung except during the final fight.
Steven (Lo Lieh) – The head of the gang, the cops don’t even know who he is until most of the way through the film. Despite being in charge of the gang, he overseas almost all of their illegal activities, which lets him discover when the cops are closing in.
Showdown at the Equator

How dare they think this isn’t a real stadium!

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Flying Saucers Over Istanbul (Review)

January 20, 2014By

Flying Saucers Over Istanbul

aka Uçan Daireler Istanbulda
Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda
1955
Written and directed by Orhan Erçin

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

No one refuses the Space Ladies!


Alien space women come to Earth to search for (what else) manly men as all of theirs are dead. So of course they head to Turkey, the manliest country in the galaxy. But the only men the space women meet in Flying Saucers Over Istanbul (Uçan daireler Istanbulda) are two greedy idiots who proceed to try to sell alien secrets to get rich in schemes that might have played well in 1955 Turkey, but now are just annoying. Perhaps they didn’t play too well in 1955 Turkey, as the film reportedly did not fare well at the box office.

Rosie returns for revenge on the Jetsons!

Flying Saucers Over Istanbul was one of those films that was lost in the quagmire of Turkish vaults, even thought possibly lost until a rather nice looking print surfaced relatively recently. If you can only view Turkish films that have been scratched to the point where they are barely watchable, you might be disappointed this is too clean. I think it’s just right, there needs to be some grit and fadedness on the prints, but digitally remastered Turkish pop cinema would destroy the entire aesthetic.

The attraction to Flying Saucers Over Istanbul is the effects. Hubcaps suspended by fishing wire with sparklers going off are our Flying Saucers. The space women have their own female robot, who is little more than plywood with light bulb attachments. Sadly the space stuff occupies maybe a quarter at most of the running time.

Do you enjoy belly dancing? Do you enjoy two jokers attempting to sell space miracle potions to rich old women? Do you enjoy a guy carrying a gigantic obviously fake camera? Because those are the themes of the majority of Flying Saucers Over Istanbul! Never fear, they throw in a fake Marilyn Monroe to distract everyone.

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

No, the robot is going IN to the closet, it’s even more subtextual than you think!


As you’ve probably guessed from my whining, the non-space stuff isn’t what I call entertaining. There is an attempted theme of loneliness among women, the Earth women who run a Lonely Hearts Nightclub that’s desperate to attract male guests for their clients to hit on contrast with the invading Space Women from Planet Merih, who kidnap men forcibly to replace their now dead males. But that’s about all the contrast the two sides get, their methods are wholly different (kidnapping vs coercion) and their looks are totally different(the Earth women are old, the space women look young). In the end, neither side really achieves success in their goal.

Director/writer/star Orhan Erçin directed only one more film right after this in 1955 (the comedy Çeto Sihirbaz, featuring either a magician or a wizard depending on your translation), then did not direct again until two films in 1987! He later died in 1993, on his birthday. He has unfairly been compared to Ed Wood since this film has resurfaced. Flying Saucers Over Istanbul is a comedy, and much of the camp was intentional. Still, it’s not very good.

Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid
I use a word that don’t mean nothin’, like loopid!


The fake Marilyn Monroe was played by Mirella Monro, whose name implies she made a living impersonating the American star. This is her only listed role, and she died in 1968. I was unable to find any more information on her, as every link was just cast listing for this film.

Sapsal (Zafer Önen) – A pipe-chomping newspaper writer who spends much of his time with Kasar getting ridiculous stories that have nothing to do with what the hot news topic is. Bumbles into the invading women after being ordered to write about UFOs. Then tries to get rich instead of doing what they tell him to do, angering the space women.
Kasar (Orhan Erçin) – A stuttering photographer with a huge huge camera. His bumbling with the radio is the reason the space women landed. Spends time scheming along with Sapsal, but the aliens are too smart for them. Orhan Erçin wrote and directed as well, blame him for everything. Get him!
Space Queen/Uzaylı Kraliçe (Türkan Şamil) – The Queen of the Space Ladies from Merih, who have come to Earth to find husbands, as there aren’t any men left on their planet. They’ve heard men from Earth are handsome and strong, but then they run into Sapsal and Kasar. The brutal honesty of reality.
Space Lady/Uzaylı (Özcan Tekgül) – A Space Lady from Merih who assists the Queen in capturing dimwitted Sapsal and Kasar, and punishing them after they act like idiots. Another prominant Space Lady is played by Deniz Tanyeli.
Stelekami (???) – The cool robot lady who is a member of the Space Ladies. Stelekami doesn’t put up with Sapsal’s lies without robot choking him!
Flying Saucers Over istanbul Uçan Daireler Istanbulda

I’m kind of over gettin’ told to throw my hands up in the air.
So there.

Angel Warriors
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Angel Warriors (Review)

January 15, 2014By

Angel Warriors

aka 鐵血嬌娃 aka Five-Star General aka 五星上將 aka The Five aka 5星上將
Angel Warriors
2013
Written by Fu Huayang and Xu Shalang
Directed by Fu Huayang

Break out the pillows, because Angel Warriors will cure your sleep disorders. In fact, you might find yourself reflecting at how you are wasting your brief time here on planet Earth watching something that’s a complete mess of a film. But maybe you’ll then be motivated to go out and achieve something, lest watching Angel Warriors end up your final act.

Angel Warriors

This lady finds more tiger cubs before 6 AM than you do ever!


Angel Warriors began life as Five-Star General, which we actually reported on in 2011, though it sounded completely different and I didn’t even realize this was the same film! But true to my word, I checked it out and now regret saying I would look into it. The two year turnaround to get a release hints at the problem the completed film had. And there are a lot of problems. It is time to address them in list format, because that is efficient, and we’re all about efficiency at TarsTarkas.NET, a site that regularly has rambling reviews that never get to the point. Wait a minute, ignore that last part!
Angel Warriors

I dare you to lick it!


Cinematic Crimes Angel Warriors is guilty of:
Angel Warriors

Just call me Powerglove because I’m so bad!

Fox Lover
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Fox Lover (Review)

January 12, 2014By

The Fox Lover

aka 白狐 aka Arctic Fox
Fox Lover
2013
Written by ???
Directed by Niu Chao-Yang
Fox Lover
Another effects-laden Mainland China film about fairy spirits, these have been all been slogs, and I was expecting another mediocre effort. The shocking thing is The Fox Lover is actually good! The freedom of not being a direct copy of one of the classic 80s/90s Hong Kong films has given it some freedom to still be loyal to the tone of the fox spirit movies, but to be able to do its own thing. The other key to success was it isn’t as big budget effects as it is advertising. There are a few scenes, but most of the effects are more practical, and the lack of money means they need to rely on things like the story and acting.

The Fox Lover is based on one of the tales in Pu Songling’s Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio/Liaozhai Zhiyi, the origin for a huge chunk of supernatural ghost lover stories in Chinese film – such as Erotic Ghost Story, Painted Skin, A Touch of Zen, and A Chinese Ghost Story.
Fox Lover
I think things went a bit too far overboard as far as female characters getting a raw deal is concerned. But then practically every character has something bad happen to them. It’s even a disclaimer in the film itself – romances with fox spirits end in tragedy. The only reason the mother fox is offering her daughter to a human is from a sense of repayment for saving her life long ago. It also helps Lord Wang out, as his son Wang Yuen Feng’s mental condition will keep him from finding a human bride who would want to be with him (I don’t think that’s entirely true, as the Wang family has money and there would be many poorer families that would give multiple daughters. But I guess that’s not as good of a choice socially has a hot fox bride!)
Fox Lover
Through a series of problems, the white fox family is drawn into battle with Sea Bat King, who murders Lord Wang as revenge for protecting his village from the Sea Bats. Madam Yu vows to avenge her friend’s death, but the Sea Bats are too powerful to fight without causing danger to her entire family.
Fox Lover

Willow (Gillian Chung Yan-Tung) – Called “crazy” by the other fox sisters, Willow is a strong-willed spirit who delights in causing mischief. Her hobby is ripping up kites. Willow’s color theme is subtle turquoise with touches of lavender and green. One of her closest friends is Rattan the tree. Does not initially think that Wang Yeun Feng is the man that she should make body contacts in cloud and rain with.
Wang Yuen Feng (Julian Cheung Chi-Lam) – The adopted son of the magistrate of Cangcheng, Lord Wang (Wang Yuen Feng was a foundling, and came with sword that no one can unsheathe) Wang Yuen Feng has been afflicted with an illness that turned him into an idiot. Has magic powers that need to be unlocked, and can only be unlocked by making love to a woman he loves.
Madam Yu (Kara Hui Ying-Hung) – White Fox Fairy Spirit who lives in Fox Fairy Valley with her daughters. As she was saved by Lord Wang 40 years ago, she offers to betroth one of her daughters to Lord Wang’s son. Has the Power of 9 Tail, though transfers it to her daughter Willow.
Ling (Abby Yin Guo-Er) – A Human girl adopted by Madam Yu, her color scheme is green and she is usually serving tea to the other girls.
Sea Bat King (Gao Hu) – Lord of Sea Bat Island and leader of a gang of blood drinking demons call Sea Bats. They are like vampires, with long claws on all fingers. Most are formless and black clothed, except adviser Wisdom Spirit. Sea Bat King can morph into a more demonic form that looks straight out of early 1990s practical makeup effects. Sea Bat King hates Lord Wang, who prevented him from feeding on the inhabitants of his town. His vengeance sets into motion a war between the Sea Bats and the Fox Spirit family.
Ji Yao (Guo Ming-Xiang) – A cousin of Wang who becomes the de facto head of the Wang family after Lord Wang is kidnapped and murdered. Wants a fox fairy spirit of his own. He starts out a coward, but finds bravery.
Fox Lover

I’ll get those Hobbits!

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