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Super Batman & Mazinger V
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Super Batman & Mazinger V (Review)

August 8, 2011By

Super Batman & Mazinger V

aka Super Betaman aka 스타짱가 II 마징가V 슈퍼베타맨

1990
Written and Directed by Yeong-han Kim

Viewmaster…Attack!

What if Batman was some goofy Power Rangers kid show. And it sucked. Welcome to the world of Super Batman & Mazinger V! For those of you in the know, South Korea during the 80s and 90s produced a whole slew of copyright violating children’s programming that put the insane in the brain, much of which had tie-in low-quality toys. All of these films are horribly awful, and most of them are unknown in the West, rotting away on Korean VHS tapes. But occasionally some of them get brought out into the light of day, blinking in the sunlight, exposure to the bigger world a new and surreal experience for them. And TarsTarkas.NET tells them how much they suck!

Coming soon to the next Nolan film!

This time, Batman has gone all Power Rangers, and is either called Super Batman or Super Betaman (the film and related media cannot make up its mind!) He looks like he should be fighting Krankor and the Neptune Men, but instead fights a space witch and her crappy wolfman army. Besides making a horrific-looking Batman, they also steal wholesale from Mazinger V, an anime you’ve heard of if you’re into giant robot stuff, or will hear of once the new movie comes out in a few years (if you are reading this in the future and the movie already has come out, then read that sentence as past tense, but at least you get to fly hovercars!)

Hey, Teen Wolf Cosplay Guy, carsurfing was outlawed for a reason!

Other Korean kiddie programming includes Our Friend, Power 5 (Wurideul-ui chingu pawo 5) – A 1989 Ninja Turtles ripoff, Ddaeng-Chil and Double Light (땡칠이와 쌍라이트) – A 1990 alien invasion film where Yoda and apes show up, Eagle Man (who looks like another Batman clone), Dragonball: Goku Fights, Goku Wins (1990) – A Dragonball feature that follows the plot closer than any official Dragonball movie, and literally dozens more. Some of the films are all live action, some are all animation, and many are mixed in between, with models waved around and goofy alien costumes. The most frustrating part of the little information I’ve been able to find about these films is that they only have been released on decaying vhs tapes and will probably soon wither away into nothingness. The common denominator of many of this films seem to be to sell cheap toys, heck in this film a character carries around the toy of the giant robot! The legality of the toys I am sure is questionable at best.

Hi, we’re going to go all Star Wars Holiday Special on your ass!

As the film is in Korean with no subtitles (We don’t need no stinking subtitles!), character names are guesses or descriptions, and the plot is put together from what can be understood from the pictures. As it is a kid’s program, the plot isn’t that complicated, so no worries there. We’ve even found this handy plot synopsis: The witch Rinke rules over the plant Astro with an iron fist. She decides that she needs the super-powered robot, Zangga, to spread her rule to other planets. She learns that Zangga is lying dormant somewhere on Earth and sends her agents, Kats and Kobra, to find and collect him. However, she did not count on the intervention of Betaman and some Earth children who are also looking for Zangga.

That doesn’t help at all! Okay, it sort of has what is happening. Is Kobra the name of the Wolfman? I couldn’t ID any of the actors, but I added some names to the tags just in case. And I hope the mysterious II in the Korean title doesn’t mean there is another Super Batman film out there…because…::shudders::

Batman poses for photos, thousands die.

Batman (???) – Batman defends the rights of the ugly, and flies around and shoots lasers from his hands and wears a goofy yellow costume. Sometimes he turns into a cartoon and fights cartoon animals. Korea! (Sometimes Betaman depending on who is talking)
Fatty (???) – A manchild from space who lost his robot, so he carried around a toy robot. Uh, yeah.
Annoying Family – Weenie, Freckles, Girl, Woman, and Band-aid (???) – The annoying family that adopts Fatty for his mission on Earth. Some of these people must have been buried under an avalanche of ugly trees. The real tragedy of Super Batman & Mazinger V is that this family isn’t wiped out.
Evil Space Queen Rinke (???) – The Evil Space Queen who is looking for the lost robot and hopes to find it before Fatty does. She almost wins, but before Fatty dies of cardiac failure, he befriends the ugly family and they help him. If only the robot was lost in America, Fatty would be dead of a heart attack so powerful it destroys major cities! Rinke has a mysterious female companion who does nothing in the film except be by her side. And she has blue hair in cartoon form!
Evil Space Queen Henchmen – Wolfman, Dog Guy, Other Dog Guy, Mysterious Female Companion, Cartoon Ninja, Catman (???) – Evil Space Queen Rinke has a variety of henchmen that escaped from a play for preschool kids and are now menacing a family of ugly people. Luckily, Batman, defender of the ugly, is there to stop them with vaguely choreographed battles.
Looks like some lucky family got their family portraits back from JC Penney!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

La Verdadera Historia de Barman y Droguin (Review)

August 6, 2011By

La Verdadera Historia de Barman y Droguin


1991
Directed by Gilberto de Anda
Written by Gilberto de Anda and Valentín Trujillo

La Verdadera Historia de Barman y Droguin is a Mexican Batman parody film, made in the wake of the Burton Batman film with a distinctly cantina feel. Because the characters are based out of a cantina and have alcoholic beverage themed logos. It betrays where the idea for the flick probably originated from.

For a Batman parody film, Barman y Droguin spends a good portion of the film dicking around before it gets to the point. And not even an origin story, the main characters go to a movies multiple times before things begin. Someone crams 50 pounds of Rambo parody in this 3 pound Batman sack.

Víctor Trujillo is a comedian and host best known for his character Brozo the Creepy Clown, but beyond being an anti-clown, Brozo is also a political crusader! In 2004, the Brozo show El Mañanero debuted hidden footage of corruption of political figures, including a tape of then personal secretary to former Mexico City mayor (and unsuccessful Mexico Presidential Candidate) Andrés Manuel López Obrador, René Bejarano (who was elected to the Mexico city legislature), accepting a $45,000 bribe. Mexican congressman Federico Döring aired the video on Brozo’s show, and Brozo crewmembers found Obrador in the same building and got him to agree to an immediate interview, where he was shown the footage for the first time and had to respond while shocked (he tried to play it off as a campaign donation from Argentinian businessman Carlos Ahumada Kurtz for another person’s campaign.) More bribery videos were released (it became known as the videoscandals) and more corruption was shown. Bejarano spent a year in jail before a controversial release, Carlos Ahumada Kurtz was arrested and fled the country, but was brought back and later acquitted and left Mexico for good. I can’t seem to find the video of the original incident, but here is part of a followup interview and you can see Víctor Trujillo as Brozo in all his glory.

A few years later (and no longer dressed as a clown, as Trujillo retired the Brozo show after his wife passed on, though Brozo makes occasional appearances) Trujillo once again made news taking down a corrupt politician, when he confirmed that there were inquiries into the fortune of Governor Arturo Montiel, a presidential precandidate. Montiel denied the charges, but his career was over. The evidence of corruption has only grown, despite another acquittal. Montiel has also been linked to a murder.

Mexican Batman is awesome. Christian Bale just yells at lighting guys.

We have a nice video toaster opening credits with all the characters drawn MSPaint style and run as a slideshow as the credits go by. Helps set up the non-serious tone.

Bruno (Víctor Trujillo) – Bruno runs a bar and has his hands full making sure his crazy friend doesn’t rob places. But then he dresses up as a bat and decides to fight crime. Weird. In the Mexican translations of the Batman comics, Bruce Wayne was called Bruno Diaz, and Dick Grayson was Ricardo Tapia. Hence the alter-ego names here.
Barman (Víctor Trujillo) – Barman wears a bat logoed Bacardi shirt. Fear the Barman! That cardboard batman figure above the name of the bar is totally not going to clue in anyone!
Ricardo (Ausencio Cruz) – Ricardo is a loser who tries to rope Bruno into his crazy schemes. But one scheme convinces Bruno, this Barman and Droguin scheme. Amazing. Ausencio Cruz was a longtime partner of Víctor Trujillo.
Droguin (Ausencio Cruz) – He’s not Robin, he’s Droguin! Get it right or pay the price!
Clown Guy (José Luis Cordero ‘Pocholo’) – This Clown Prince of Kidnapping takes the “kid” part literally and kidnaps a kid. Luckily, Barman and Droguin are there to also get kidnapped. There is no official name for the Joker knockoff I could tell, and he’s just listed as Secuestrador in the credits.
Female Reporter (Lizbeth Castro) – Hey, don’t yell at me, her character doesn’t have a name in the credits! All she gets is Periodista. So we’ll call her…Lois Lopez! Put on the Barman story, and helps Barman out of his car accident problem.
Pingüino (Ramiro Gómez) – Pingüino is just a dude who modifies cars and dresses up like the Penguin while doing so. It just makes sense!

Flying Centipede
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Flying Centipede (Review)

August 1, 2011By

Flying Centipede

aka Fei tian wu gong aka 飞天蜈蚣

1994
Directed by Qingguo Sun

Flying Centipede is a guy who likes to dress up as a Batman copy, except he looks more like a Mothman and call himself Flying Centipede for some reason. Flying Centipede also machine guns down lots of cops, instantly making his hero status questionable. Maybe if we were told all these guys were corrupt cops, it would be better, but instead Flying Centipede is just painted as a villain despite being a super hero. And as this is a Mainland China production, we can’t have villains get away with their crimes. What kind of moral standard is that? So everyone dies. Spoiler alert!

Thanks to our crack research team, we were able to find….not much about Flying Centipede. Time to fire the research team, or at least force them to learn Chinese.

Flying Centipede (It is a mystery) – Don’t reveal the secret identity of Flying Centipede. But it’s revealed below under a spoiler alert.
Ouyang Long (Wu Gang) – He’s a cop, whose job it is to take down Flying Centipede. And also to shoot mushrooms, dancing spiders, and fleas without messing up the trackball too much.
Ailina (Qu Ying) – Ouyang’s female friend and secretary to the Police Chief. Qu Ying is a mainland model/actress/singer who has had a busy career, including roles in Fight For Justice(2004) and Zhang Yimou’s Keep Cool, and in the 2000 mainland China production Charlie Angels.
Black Widow (Xie Xu) – Female gang leader whose gang wears black lines drawn on their faces. I guess she’s watched The Warriors too many times and thinks her gang needs a theme.
Cops Hua and Fatty (??? and ???) – More cops from Ouyang’s group, who help him on his quest of justice.

Fairly Oddparents Grow Up Timmy Turner
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner! (Review)

July 28, 2011By

A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner!


2011
Directed by Savage Steve Holland
Written by Butch Hartman & Scott Fellows

When A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner! was first announced as a live-action feature film, it sounded like it would be terrible. Who needed yet another live action film for a cartoon? Haven’t we suffered enough? But, Grow up, Timmy Turner! instead turned out to be a good surprise, keeping the tone of the cartoon while delving into raging manchild territory with a plot so off the walls that it is brilliant. And yes, that means I liked it very much. I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you! Who knew that I would end up enjoying what appeared to be a terrible Disney Channel-type film? But Grow Up, Timmy Turner is much more than that, it’s fun, and sort of has a message about the need to grow up and move on with your life buried beneath the wacky antics of the hijinks that ensue.

For those of you out of the loop, The Fairly Oddparents is a cartoon series about a child named Timmy Turner’s fairly godparents who grant him wishes, and all the adventures that entails. The series’ bizarro humor helped earn it a cult following among more than little kids, with viewers of all ages tuning in. There has been sporadic tv-movie specials for The Fairly Oddparents, though this is the first live-action special.

Grow Up, Timmy Turner continues the same basic plot, except Timmy is now 23 years old, still in the same grade at school, still living at home, and still not grown up, because being grown up loses you your fairy godparents. It’s in the rules, trust us, they break out the rules to read during the movie!

Cameos from the cartoon show up all over the place. Jorgen Von Strangle (Mark Gibbon), the strongest fairy and the boss of all fairies, appears repeatedly throughout the film to threaten Timmy. He’s an obvious Arnold Schwarzenegger parody. Timmy’s childhood friend Chester McBadBat and A.J. (Chris Anderson and Jesse Reid) appear sporadically as adults assuming the still-childlike Timmy is jealous of their “successes”, though the successes are never elaborated on.

Director Savage Steve Holland was an 80s genius with such classic films as Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, and How I Got Into College. He got into tv with The New Adventures of Beans Baxter and the Encyclopedia Brown series on HBO, but his greatest television creation was Eek! the Cat (and accompanying cartoons.) He’s since been making a living directing episodes of family fare tv series, making him perfect for this film packed with Nickelodeon teens.

Timmy (Drake Bell) – Timmy Turner has been 10 years old for the past 13 years. Not literally 10 years old, but living as a 10 year old despite being 23. Thanks to his magical fairy godparents, he can wish for whatever he wants. And what he wants is to keep being able to wish for whatever he wants. But things may change…
Tootie (Daniella Monet) – Tootie was the childhood gross girl that crushed on Timmy Turner despite him thinking girls were gross. But now she’s all hot and Timmy’s like “DAAAAA-YUUUMMM!!!” Daniella Monet has a role in the series VICTORiOUS
Fairy Godparents – Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof – (Susanne Blakeslee, Daran Norris, Jason Alexander, Cheryl Hines, Randy Jackson) – Timmy’s fairy godparents show up for the most part as CGI constructs, but during a few sequences turn into Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines.
Denzel Crocker (David Lewis) – Mr. Crocker is Timmy’s fairy-obsessed teacher, and has been his teacher for 13 years. It is a tough decision deciding which is less mature.
Hugh J. Magnate (Steven Weber) – It’s your standard evil billionaire with a lost childhood, except he doesn’t have a sled or anything. Though he is evil.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Smurfs

July 24, 2011By

The Smurfs


2011
Directed by Raja Gosnell
The Smurfs
As someone who grew up with The Smurfs on tv and in comic books, I can say that I enjoyed them very much. I fondly remember watching the smurf cartoons over the years, and reading the various comics (favorite one – Astronaut Smurf, where all the other smurfs became Swoofs and it was a big wish fulfillment fantasy to help some random Smurf.) So like most young adults, I looked at the upcoming live-action Smurfs movie with trepidation – would yet another thing from my youth be turned into an embarrassment? Maybe even make me feel blue? (Sorry, was forced by law to add that joke!)

Thanks to the fact I’m awesome as smurf, the wife and I got to go to a free advanced screening of The Smurfs in 3D! But I’m not going to let a little thing like free tickets turn my review to a positive, any positive remarks are earned by the film the hard way: entertaining me. So sit back and enjoy TarsTarkas.NET’s first foray into reviewing a mainstream film that isn’t even out yet! Next up: Reviewing a film that doesn’t even exist yet (It Stinks!)
The Smurfs
The Smurfs first appeared in Johan and Peewit stories from the Belgian cartoonist Peyo (Pierre Culliford) in 1959, and they proved popular enough they were headlining their own stories and soon an industry. Smurfs are called Schtroumpfs in their native Belgium, so keep that in mind. The Smurfs are usually hunted by their main adversaries Gargamel and Azrael, Gargamel is a wizard who is after them for reasons that don’t remain consistent (originally it was to create the philosopher’s stone from them, then it became to eat them, then to turn them to gold, and then just pure revenge for the years of failure.)

The best parts of The Smurfs are when there are a whole pack of Smurfs. The opening sequence (also one of the few instances where the 3D is worth it) is awesome enough you want a whole movie set in the magical Smurf village and ancient kingdom. The village feels alive and like you could easily stmble across it in the woods one day and have magical adventures with your new three-apple-high blue friends. But soon enough we are sucked to modern New York City with only six Smurfs keeping us company.
The Smurfs

Like the Masters of the Universe film, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, and Aliens vs. Predators, budget restraints forces the film to bring the action to modern day USA. This concept has happened enough it’s been lampooned (in Disney’s great Enchanted), but it also disappoints those expecting a sweeping story set in the world of the Smurfs. And though Smurfs is a kids movie, there will be plenty of adults in the audience bringing those kids, many who grew up watching those same Smurfs Tra-la-la-la-la-la they’re way across their tv screens. Raja Gosnell has experience bringing cartoons to the silver screen, having directed the first two Scooby-Doo films (along with Beverly Hills Chihuahua!)

The main focus of The Smurfs is a bit muddled. Besides the Fish Out of Water story, he script tries to graft a Hero Arc into the film (with Clumsy), but it’s also competing with a Coming of Age Story, Proving Yourself to your Jerk Boss, and Realizing You Should Spend Time With Family and Not Work stories. So it’s sort of all over the place.
The Smurfs

Despite the mish-mash, the film isn’t a total loss, and I ended up liking it. Neil Patrick Harris is still charming despite some of his character’s bad writing, and Gargamel and Azrael help save large stretches of the film with both scenery chewing and cartoon antics (this is a cartoon-turned live-action film, after all!) The kids in the audience were paying enough attention at the end that they were really invested in the final battle.

Papa Smurf (Jonathan Winters) – The 500 year old patriarch of the Smurfs, Papa Smurf watches over his children like the kindly old father everyone wishes they had. Papa Smurf also channels Roger Murtaugh, as he keeps saying he’s too old for this (neither time do they add “smurf” to the end, which makes the repetition of the line more annoying.) Jonathan Winters is perfect for this role, the voice is exactly what you expect Papa Smurf to sound like.
Clumsy Smurf (Anton Yelchin) – Clumsy Smurf is the ultimate kltz, but one day he will be a hero! Probably during this movie. Anton Yelchin is a nice choice for Clumsy, because of the character’s story arc you needed someone with a voice not recognizable. And it just so happens Anton Yelchin was in a bunch of movies recently…
Smurfette (Katy Perry) – Smurfette’s origin as a creation of Gargamel is kept in this film version much to my delight, and she is haunted by her origin even to this day. Besides the singular line “I kissed a smurf and I liked it”, Katy Perry probably could have been replaced by your mom and it wouldn’t have mattered despite the character’s large role in the film, as she brings nothing.
Brainy Smurf (Fred Armisen) – Brainy Smurf is the annoying know-it-all who is constantly smacked around by his brethren for being so annoying. And he still is, but he also does something actually brainy in the film.
Gutsy Smurf (Alan Cumming) – I guess because some of the writers worked on Shrek 2, they just needed to have a random Scottish smurf for no reason. Thus, we get Gutsy Smurf, who is basically Hefty Smurf in a kilt. And as Hefty Smurf is in the smurfing film, Gutsy seems even more pointless. Kids love jokes about haggis, I guess.
Grouchy Smurf (George Lopez) – Grouchy becomes slightly more than a character who just says “I hate [whatever you are talking about]”, but is still the least used of the main character smurfs. Loves green M&Ms
Gargamel (Hank Azaria) – Gargamel is the evil wizard after the smurfs, and Hank Azaria plays him to a T. He’s a cartoon character brought to life, and he’s awesome. Gargamel and Azrael save large sections of the film from complete boredom, and do it in style.
Azrael (Mr. Krinkle and Frank Welker) – Azrael is Gargamel’s cat and constant companion. Played by a real cat with plenty of CG enhancements, Azrael is one cool cat.
Patrick and Grace Winslow (Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays) – The Winslows are the typical American family that the Smurfs end up crashing with as they deal with this strange new world. She’s got a bun in the oven, and he’s focus on work and full of worry.

The Smurfs

13 Assassins
InGood, Movie Reviews

13 Assassins (Review)

July 21, 2011By

13 Assassins

aka Jusan-nin no shikaku aka 十三人の刺客

2010
Directed by Takashi Miike

Takashi Miike can make any type of film imaginable. He loves cinema, he loves to work, and his output is legendary. Miike crosses genres like they’re T’s, smearing the lines and creating unique works. His pattern of excesses give his films a tone that cannot be matched by other directors, even as the tones differ based on which excesses he is exercising for the film. From family-friendly fare to ultra-violent yakuza film, Miike puts his heart into everything he does. He pushes limits, test boundaries, and kicks butt.

Due to Miike’s initial popularity in cult movie circles in the West due to movies like Ichi The Killer, Audition, Fudoh, and Dead or Alive, people naturally assumed that he only made ridiculously violent films. I’m sure watching The Great Yokai War, Zebraman, or Yatterman blew their minds to smithereens. 13 Assassins has returned Miike to notice in the international scene, but again it is for a film that features a lot of violence. Most of the violence waits until the end of the film, and instead we go through samurai life, political drama, honor, and journey and preparation. I could say that I was one of those people who like to watch samurai films and am totally into the whole samurai code blah blah blah thing, but I actually don’t like samurai films (nor other period dramas known as jidaigeki.) Frankly, I don’t really care to watch stodgy guys sit around worrying about their honor for 90 minutes until a brief swordfight happens. This probably makes me a bad nerd and bad movie reviewer, but, whatever. I’ve avoided other recent samurai films, and only saw this one as Miike is attached to it. Miike manages to keep things interesting better than I hoped, preventing what could have been a dry and slow buildup with good characterization, planning, and the fallout when things don’t go according to plan and you end up wandering around the woods. There are even supernatural elements hinted throughout the film, the more you pay attention the more you realize where they are.

13 Assassins is a remake of 1963’s Jusan-nin no shikaku (The Thirteen Assassins), a film many (including myself) haven’t seen. In fact, my favorite part of the reviews for this is everyone bringing up Seven Samurai (including this review) while hardly anyone mentions the original version of 13 Assassins. It actually took a while to find a good site comparing the two films, and from what I can see Miike follows the original’s story fairly faithfully, but brings it down to a more human level.

Shimada Shinzaemon (Koji Yakusho) – The leader of the group. A war weary, former decorated Shogun’s Samurai who is hired to carry out the mission. probably best known in the West before this for roles in Memoirs of a Geisha and Babel
Kurnaga Saheita (Hiroki Matsukata) – A veteren samurai who is second in command. He brings in many of his students to the group. Hiroki Matsukata starred in The Magic Serpent
Shimada Shinrokuro (Takayuki Yamada) – Shinzaemon’s nephew, who has lost his way as a samurai, but joins up to redeem himself and his honor. Takayuki Yamada was in Battle League Horumo
Kiga Koyata (Iseya Yusuke) – A wild hunter who guides the samurai when they get lost in the forest and joins as the 13th assassin. His character is awesome, but I liked Sahara Heizo (Arata Furuta) better. Obviously referencing Kikuchiyo from Seven Samurai, here are hints throughout the film as to what Kiga actually is, including his beloved Upashi being seen eating raw meat, and his fate in the final battle.
Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira (Goro Inagaki) – This cruel heir to the Shogun’s throne rapes and kills at will, and no one stands in his way because of his power. So a plot is hatched to save the people and honor.
Hanbei Kitou (Masachika Ichimura) – Lord Naritsugu’s chief guard and samurai, who is also a rival of Shimada Shinzaemon. It is painfully obvious that Hanbei Kitou is dead meat. In fact, the same character dies in the original as well.

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