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The Little Panda Fighter – Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 111


It’s Discount Puppet Explosion 411! Two teams battle to review B-movies.

In this episode, Team Jawesome gets animated in their discussion of The Little Panda Fighter (Ursinho da Pesada), which just happens to be better animated than the film itself! See this Brazilian animation imitation that strives to be Kung Fu Panda but without everything ever that made Kung Fu Panda a good film. Vídeo Brinquedo (Toyland Video) brings the thunder (the Teddy Thunders!) of their Pixar knockoffs and now will reap the lightning of Team Jawesome. Watch the video that survived two hard drive explosions to get edited months later! Be a survivor and watch Pancada dance his way into your brains, slowly driving you mad as the untextured animation becomes worse and worse. But will Johnny Mustache accept Sleestack Jones and Mongo’s choice? Or will Team Jawesome be one step closer to being blasted to the Moon?

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Prior episodes

Dark Lady of Kung Fu (Review)

Dark Lady of Kung Fu

aka 蝶無影 aka Di wu ying aka Butterfly Pearl aka Dark Lady of Butterfly

1983
Written and directed by Pearl Cheung Ling

What happens when you buy cheap drugstore makeup!

When evil dudes with bad ‘tudes are up to no goods, the Dark Lady of Kung Fu will fly in and rob the crap out of them, and then go all Robin Hood with their money! Yes, Pearl Cheung Ling has the director’s chair and the writing chair, and the world will never be the same! Dark Lady of Kung Fu is a remake of the Shaw Brothers’ film The Black Butterfly, which is a sort of remake of Black Rose and other female noble thief flicks. It’s all about the connections, man!

Goth Zorro vs the Spray Paint Kid!

This is one of several films written and directed by Pearl Cheung Ling, one of the few female directors out of Taiwan, who became an auteur force directing and writing three films and being heavily involved in the production of a few more, as well as television series and music. She has a very distinct fantasy style that has garnered her many loyal fans and many shared clips on YouTube. Because this is a Pearl Cheung Ling flick, you can expect lots of goofy things going on. Morons in positions of authority will be humiliated by Pearl Cheung Ling’s character’s brilliance. Pearl will wear crazy elaborate pre-gothic lolita costumes. There will be wirework.

Someone gave those hands from Labyrinth their own show!

The worst part of Dark Lady of Kung Fu is I own two versions of it, and they both are either fullscreen or fake widescreen where it’s obvious there is things going on just off camera. Both copies also suffer from the same awful English dubbing. How many of the puns are native to the script vs. made up by the dubbers is a mystery that won’t be solved until we get a proper subtitled verison. So we’ll not know if henchmen Laurel and Hardy are really named those names. Not to mention the guy named Cool Han Look. Come to think of it, there is no way those names are native to the script.

More Batman than Batman

Butterfly Bandit (Pearl Cheung Ling) – She’s a mystery and robbin’ from the rich to give to the neighborhood! Look out, evil rich dudes, you’re about to join the 99%!
Monkey G (Pearl Cheung Ling) – The leader of the beggar group known as the Monkeys, and master thief. She used to be a lower case g, but now she’s full capital Monkey G. She’s totally not Butterfly Bandit, why would you ever think of such a thing? Just because she’s never in the same place at the same time is just a coincidence! Have YOU ever been at the same place as Hitler? I rest my case….HITLER!!!!!
Shadow (Tien Peng) – A mysterious fighter searching for his missing mad father and he gets very angry when people disrespect his shadow. Way to take that Me and My Shadow song waaaaaaay too seriously, dude! He is the handsome love interest for Monkey G.
Madam Kim Simon (???) – A crossdressing lady who owns the fighting club. Her father is evil and planning a rebellion, but Madam Kim doesn’t stand for his evil ways.
Sheriff Feng (???) – A goofy guy with a fake mustache is ordered to track him down (at this point they think Butterfly is a dude) and recover all the stolen gold – or he’ll be killed and deducted the amount of missing gold.
Houdini (???) – I knew that Magician was a jerk! Now he’s stopped his humbug quest and is trying to fund rebellions in China! Luckily for China, the Butterfly Bandit is on the case!
How dare you say this movie is hard to follow! Only I may say that!

Sword of Emei (Review)

Sword of Emei

aka 峨嵋霸刀 aka E Mei ba dao

1969
Written by Wan Hoi-Ching and Ling Hon
Directed by Chan Lit-Ban


A Cantonese swordplay flick featuring a masked heroine, plenty of swordplay, piles of bodies, and one of the fastest paces I’ve seen in a Cantonese language feature from this time. Sword of Emei was a great surprise and a highly recommended action film. By 1969, the rails were starting to come off of the Hong Kong film insdustry, as pressure from the far superior Shaw Studios was making the local productions look like child plays. One way the industry tried to take up the slack was to push for some more adultish wuxia flicks, thus what would have probably been a slower female sworswoman (nuxia) film with a lot of gabbing in 1966 suddenly is a fast-paced action bonanza focused on one of the hot female leads of the time. And while it isn’t one of the Jane Bond flicks of the era, it does feature some of the plot tropes transplanted back to older China, along with the standard wuxia ideas like super swords and being noble bandits.

The main reason why this is so enjoyable is the pacing, so let’s give a hooray to action directors Han Ying-Chieh and Leung Siu-Chung for coming up with modern action film pacing 40 years ago! Sure, with the vast amount of action going on vs the probably minuscule shooting schedule, the action isn’t complex, and most characters get killed in a slash or two, but there is a ton of it and it makes up for the complex swordfighting that was still in its infancy at the time.

Sword of Emei was originally filmed in color, but the only released version I could find was a black and white vcd with a beat up print and burnt in subs (subtitles are rare on a lot of these films, so I’ll take what I can get!) thus explaining these blurry, blown up screencaps I have for you. According to the cast listings, there is an attempt to give some cross-national appeal with Mitr Chaibancha! Except I couldn’t spot him and didn’t even know he was supposed to be in this film until after it was over. Oops! Sammo Hung Kam-Bo is also somewhere among the many men slaughtered, but with all the carnage, he could be Guard #3 or Guard #343! So instead, let’s focus on the cast we know:

Masked Mau (Josephine Siao Fong-Fong) – Masked Mau is also called Masked Hero in the subtitles. She’s the mysterious thief giving people fits and also dispensing justice from the end of a blade…a Chin Fang Sword blade, which is like the best sword blade ever! No one knows who she is or that’s she’s even a she! Who could she be…
Lo Fang-ying (Josephine Siao Fong-Fong) – orphan raised by relatives who own an inn. Her Uncle Ma taught her to hunt, shoot, and swordfight, which she totally doesn’t use as skills when dressed up as a masked thief who goes all Robin Hood on villains. Nope!
Au King (Kenneth Tsang Kong) – Mystery swords guy who comes into town just in time to catch Masked Mau, but he actually falls for her and Lo Fang-ying, which we knew would happen because he’s the only available guy in the film who isn’t instantly killed!
Lord Chao Pai-tien (Sek Kin) – Jerk who acts like a jerk because his brother-in-law is the evil emperor. Terrorizes the land and the people, and totally hits on all the young ladies. But don’t tell him he does that, because he hates facts as well.
Uncle Ma (Ling Mung) – Fang-ying’s uncle who has raised her since her parents were murdered by Lord Chao. Taught her the fighting skills she uses to slaughter hundreds of people.
Aunt Ma (Yung Yuk-Yi) – Fang-ying’s aunt who isn’t too keen on all this heroine business until she decides to pick up a sword and kill people as well. And she’s good at it. Which means she had combat training also and probably killed lots of dudes…
Hsiao Lan (Sum Chi-Wah) – Constantly endangered girl who made the mistake of being attractive in an area where Lord Chao wants all hot babes chained to his bed. Wears a hairstyle that looks like she’s sporting a mickey mouse hat at certain angles.

Dirty Blondes From Beyond (Review)

Dirty Blondes From Beyond


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

How to sum Dirty Blondes From Beyond up in one picture

With a lot more special effects than I thought they’d bring, Dirty Blondes from Beyond rockets the Bikini films closer to epic space opera status while still providing plenty of softcore situations. 2012 is also a banner year for the bikini flicks because some of the old school crew has returned, Evan Stone and Voodoo! And there is plenty of new talent on display, plenty of goofy, scifi, sexy adventures, and plenty of heavy breathing.

Bikinistar Galactica!

Dirty Blondes from Beyond follows the tradition of taking a genre film plot and turning it into a softcore erotic parody. Featuring two alien girls on the run, they wind up on planet Earth, where strange creatures called tripods exist. As there are no men on their planet, you can guess what the tripods they constantly refer to are. There are several other jokes that are pretty good, including secret government agents named Smith and Jones (along with their own name running gag!) There is no connection to Dirty Blondes or Dirty Blondes 2 despite the similar name (because this is a completely different production company!), so any hope of seeing that franchise in space is dashed. Not that we need more installments of those borefests. Dirty Blondes From Beyond does a great job of blowing them out of the water.

Who set up this candelabra so it would drip wax all over the shelf??

As usual, let’s get this Cinemax Skinemax event bagged and tagged! On with the Roll Call…

Stand by for our rap song about Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) – The good Princess of Byfrexia, whose planet is invaded in a diabolical plot to turn the Princess into a sex slave. She flees in order to save her people.
Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) – Empress of the Vulvians, who orchestrates the mysterious storms on and subsequent invasion of Byfrexia just to get a hold of the Princess for her own pleasures. Is very spoiled, and refuses to take no for an answer.
Vema (Jazy Berlin) – Loyal bodyguard of the Princess, who manufactures her escape and gets her to Earth. Also protects the Princess from the native tripods, at least until the Princess decides she wants to do her own inspection.
Commander Tharis (Erika Jordan) – Loyal servant of Empress Krell, and her lover. Is jealous of the attention and obsession the Empress has for the Princess, but will follow her orders. Has a pet haliganon.
Agent Jones (Jenna Presley) – Government agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Is partnered with Agent Smith. A no nonsense type of woman, unless she’s affected by sexy radiation!
Agent Smith (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Government Agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Has the hots for his partner, Agent Jones. Believes drunk rednecks more than he should, but ends up being proved right. Voodoo is back and now going as Alex Boisvert instead of Alexandre. Sadly, this is the first time I’ve seen him in one of these films in years and he’s acting all stiff. Though that’s due to his character here, I bet he’s 100% back in the other films shot at the same time.
Jock (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone returns as well, doing a redneck character who lives in the middle of nowhere that the two spacegirls land at. He teaches them all about being a tripod, but is often immobilized by the girls.
Will (Eric Masterson) – A UFO nut who gets involved in the mess. With his skills, he should be hired by Agent Smith and Jones’ boss immediately.
Mark Grabowsky (Michael Gaglio) – The lovable drunk guy that is the witness to the UFO. His perpetually broken car is named Bessie.
The iconic visual poetry of Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

Snow White and the Huntsman

Snow White and the Huntsman


2012
Written by Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock, and Hossein Amini
Directed by Rupert Sanders

Snow White and the Movie That Was Far Too Epic!

No film has ever wanted to be Lord of the Rings more than Snow White and the Huntsman. And I say this as someone who has seen dozens of the LOTR ripoffs that sprang up like weeds in the direct to DVD market in the wake of the Rings trilogy sweeping the box office. From the exact same aerial shots in increasingly less-majestic lands, to elves and orcs and crap arguing about magic swords, to Dragon and Eragon and Curse of the Ring, to Dungeon Siege and any fantasy film that dared to try to copy shots and themes, we were awash in their wake. And now, years later, just before Peter Jackson brings us two Hobbit movies, Snow White gets her Lord of the Rings treatment. And it is bland.

Now the Queen is trapped in that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode Frame of Mind!

In a year where two Snow White films raced to the box office, Snow White and the Huntsman strayed behind Mirror Mirror in an attempt to cash in on that sweet summer money. And while Mirror Mirror was targeting 8 year old girls, Snow White and the Huntsman is trying to cast a wider net, aiming to get teens and tweens of both genders. With Kristen Stewart and Chris Hemsworth bringing their box office clout, you would think this is a natural mid-range blockbuster. But thanks to the originality and just weird story editing, we’re left with a more vanilla adventure that seems like a script from fanfiction.net.

What happens when you don’t eat Granny Smith!

Snow White (Kristen Stewart) – The most beautiful person in all the lands, and palace tower jailbird. She escapes to lead the rebellion against the evil Queen, if only she can keep from eating apples. Johnny Appleseed was later indicted in her murder. Kristen Stewart is starting to have a thing in movies where she dies and is brought back to life via magic.
The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) – The only person who can hunt down Snow White is Thor, a widower drunk who owes money to dwarfs. So of course that makes him the love interest. I hope you like deciphering accents!
Queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) – This Queen in the magical witch version of the aliens from Independence Day. Luckily, Snow White is Will Smith/Bill Pullman/Jeff Goldblum, so her days are numbered. I guess that makes The Huntsman Judd Hirsch. There are worse fates.
William (Sam Claflin) – What? Get outta here, Team Legolas! You’re just in the way. At least you keep your shirt on.
50 Shades of Grey was originally WHAT???

Morlocks (Review)

Morlocks


2011
Written by Adam J. Karp and Royal McGraw
“Based” on The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
Directed by Matt Codd

Welcome to Florida!

SciFi Channel (now known as SyFy for years despite that name sucking) goes all H.G. Wells on us again to give us Morlocks, a SciFi Original Movie version of the classic time travel tale, that dumps the entire story in favor of having people trapped in time with crazy killer Morlocks. Though I applaud them taking familiar elements and doing something original with them, the original thing they do is just the same old basic creature feature plot where a team of people are killed off bit by bit until they kill all the monsters. And if you stop to think about it, little that happens makes any sense. But there are a few moments of goofy WTF that will get some praise.

The Budweiser Frogs, 2020 A.D.

Director Matt Codd also helmed the SciFi classic Dragon Dynasty. The keyboard theme blaring out reminds me of the Space Mutiny theme, which is always great.

Sure we’re untextured enough that you can’t tell what we look like, but you can’t see our cool CGI shading until THE FUTURE!

Dr. James Radnor (David Hewlett) – Former time travel project head, who quit his top secret job and wrote a book called Time Travels’s Strife that is pretty much a description of what he did in the top secret lab. No one cares. David Hewlett is also in the SciFi Channel classic Boa vs. Python
Dr. Angela Kelley (Christina Cole) – Angela still works for the secret government project, and is James’s exwife. Figures out what Colonel Wichita is up too, but a bit too late to not get tossed into THE FUTURE!
Colonel Wichita (Robert Picardo) – Military man in charge of the time travel project, his son John has cancer so he goes nuts in pursuit of Morlock DNA in the belief that it will cure his son. The time travel works sort of like Stargate, which is good that Stargate alums Picardo and Hewlett are starring.
Tyrell (???) – Thanks to squashed credits and an awful IMDB page, I have no clue who played Tyrell, one of the main soldiers sent with Radnor into THE FUTURE. Starts out as a stereotype but becomes a full-fledged character kicking Morlock butt.
Vera Cortez (Marem Hassler) – One of the prior team members who was lost in THE FUTURE, she helps Radnor and his team get back to the present. My favorite character.
Dr. Felix Watkins (Jim Fyfe) – Holy crap, Jim Fyfe from Encyclopedia! That show was awesome, Jim Fyfe is awesome, and I hope he pops up in more SyFy films! This time, he’s the rival scientist to Radnor who takes over after he quit, and every time the two are on the screen together they argue argue argue. Which is pretty funny.
Morlocks (CGI) – Green jerks from the future who are almost invincible unless the plot demands they be easily killed by a slight breeze.
Dinobirds (CGI) – For some reason there are dinobirds in THE FUTURE. Why? They never explain why. It makes no damn sense. It’s completely crazy. Just go with it, dudes! Dinobirds! I guess the CG house had an extra model lying around.
The most unreal tournament of them all!