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Vampire Bride
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Vampire Bride

May 22, 2013By

Vampire Bride

aka 花嫁吸血魔 aka Hanayome Kyuketsuma
Vampire Bride
1960
Directed by Kyotaro Namiki
Vampire Bride
Vampire Bride is female melodrama turned into a revenge creature horror film. The beginning is very different from the usual tale of murder and revenge, or a woman scorned. Forget all those rape and revenge tales that have driven the genre since the 1960s, the villain that drives the plot here is female jealousy. Women that are angry with the main character for various reasons – be it her looks, her career, or which man has her attention – conspire to take her out of the equation. They leave her battered and broken and reap the benefits of life without her. But those benefits are bittersweet, and they made the mistake of not killing Fujiko off. For she returns, returns to haunt their lives, and to stalk and end their lives. As she returns as a vampire beast, and it’s dinner time!

The Shintoho Film Festival this is a part of was originally curated in 2010 as part of the Udine Far East Film Festival by Mark Schilling. The films have finally made their way on tour across the US in 2013, and have stopped by San Francisco at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, who has been kicking butt lately with awesome Asian film retrospectives. Vampire Bride played a double bill with Ghost Cat of Otama Pond, and I had the pleasure of attending the screening along with good buddy duriandave of SoftFilm. The Shintoho films are a great cross-section of exploitation cinema, as well as creative outlets from filmmakers who were doing amazing things that just weren’t appreciated by the right people at the time.

Vampire Bride stars Junko Ikeuchi, who was a Shintoho star due to her clean-cut good girl image. But she ran off and got married, then had to come slinking back after that marriage quickly ended in disaster. Shintoho studio boss Mitsugu Okura wasn’t about to let her back that easily, and cast her in this revenge tale, where her beautiful face would transform into a hideously ugly monster. Like Ikeuchi, her character Fujiko’s suffers a fate of things not working out for her. What is to be a good career and a good married are tarnished by betrayal, and she can only look longingly at the life she would have had.

Vampire Bride was the one film I wanted to see most of all, both due to the promotional picture of the Vampire Bat Creature, and an iconic shot also used in promotional material of the three deformed characters staring into Great-Grandma’s magic cauldron (which I can’t seem to find in digital form!!)
Vampire Bride

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Area 51

May 17, 2013By

Area 51

aka 51

2011
Written by Lucy Mukerjee
Story by Kenny Yakkel
Directed by Jason Connery

Area 51
Aliens just can’t make Jello correctly…

Area 51 is a more unique SyFy offering. Instead of the usual CGI effects chasing our heroes around, instead we have monsters made of largely practical effects and makeup mixed with CGI. It actually rules, because it’s so unexpected. The effects work is pretty good, the various monster costumes are full costume props, some of them being large wearable puppet constructs. The only alien costume I didn’t like was the one for Patient Zero, because it looked too much like a guy in a full body suit. This reminds me of the Don Dohler films, which was some nice nostalgia. And Area 51 is better than many of those!

Area 51
You think this is crazy, guess what they got in Area 52!

By far not the first flick to feature Area 51 or aliens fighting people in Area 51, Area 51 does give us a variety of creatures causing a variety of problems. The different stories sort of weave together, but have a bit of trouble trying to find a narrative whole. The different creatures with their own different agendas gives them more characterization than usual in a SyFy style flick. The fact that not all of the monsters are mindless killing machines was a great touch that needs to be used more in other creature features.

Area 51
Suddenly the alien thinks he’s Neo!

The basic story is the press are being let into Area 51 for the first time as part of a media transparency thing, except they are only going to get to see a tiny part of the base and nothing cool. Until things go wrong… Alien killing spree wrong!

Colonel Ronald Martin (Bruce Boxleitner) – The guy in charge of Area 51 who leads the tour and the eventual attempt to clean up the monster massacre.
Claire Fallon (Vanessa Branch) – A rabble-rousing muckeraker blogger who is famous all over the world. Takes up the fine tradition of Lois Lane-style female journalists (a trope that predates Lois Lane back to at least the Torchy Blane films) in that she fights the system and doesn’t put up with bullies. Even alien bullies
Sam Whittaker (John Shea) – A famous news reporter who is inside the system, sort of like Ted Kopple. He is also on the Area 51 tour along with his camerawoman.
Sgt. Hannah (Rachel Miner) – One of the guards on the base, a decorated war hero who is uncomfortable with the recognition because she doesn’t feel she earned it. Becomes the de facto commander of the guards tasked with not letting any of the aliens escape from the underground compound after everyone of higher rank is slaughtered.
Aaron “Shoes” Schumacher (Jason London) – Shoes is one of the guards who believes in the alien conspiracies. Can’t handle combat and shot himself in the foot to avoid it. But when aliens are attacking he managed to find courage to be under fire. Helps his friend Sgt. Hannah contain the situation.

The aliens at Area 51:

Patient Zero (Jed Maheu) – A morpher, meaning this alien can change his form into whoever he touches due to replicating DNA, and can repeat any words said by the target. This subject crashed 25 years ago and occasionally is let out to impersonate President Reagan. Is usually no trouble, except for the murderous killing spree Patient Zero goes on today. Suddenly impersonating Reagan makes sense…
J-Rod (VyVy Nguyen and Rob Steinberg – voice) – Alien Grey who lives on the base and helps his friends the humans communicate with the aliens and type up reports. Has telekenetic powers and the power to code computers while being afk. His entire belief system might turn out to be a lie… But at least he can probably get a high-paying coding job in Silicon Valley!
Lady Death and Little Devil (Ivan Djurovic and VyVy Nguyen) – alien monsters that are simply wild hyperpredators. Little Devil is Lady Death’s spawn. This creatures can’t be reasoned with and just blindly kill anyone they see.
Area 51
Time to die, Smurf!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Assassins

May 13, 2013By

Sexy Assassins


2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Sexy Assassins
The best art protection in town!

Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Sexy Assassins
Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino?
Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change.
Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second.
Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.
Sexy Assassins
She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!
InBad, Movie Reviews

The Heat

May 12, 2013By

The Heat


2013
Written by Katie Dippold
Directed by Paul Feig
The Heat
Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy give us a fucking hilarious action comedy with The Heat. The swear word is used in spirit with the film, which throws F-bombs like an NFL quarterback. Before we continue, be advised I saw this at a free public screening, so once again Tars has sold out.

The Heat is not afraid to be rough around the edges and show violence as it is, violent. Characters are killed with large bullet holes and blood splatters, while a villain who dismembers his victims is the target of Ashburn’s investigation in Boston. The Heat takes advantage of the R-rating to not sugar coat the consequences. Paul Feig gives a worthy Bridesmaids followup that is still female focused, which is great because that film inspired a whole host of woman-centered comedies that have shined more than not.
The Heat
The two female lead roles are unique in that the reasons no one likes their characters has nothing to do with the fact that they are women and everything to do with them being terrible people to work with. This doesn’t mean they are bad at their jobs, they are among the best. But they work best alone because they are on such a different page than their coworkers. Rowdy Detective Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy) berates and yells at her boss (played by a hilarious Tom Wilson from Back to the Future) so much he’s rapidly aging. Straitlaced Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) spends most of her field ops criticizing her fellow agents and upstaging everyone with finding hidden evidence, including the dogs.
The Heat

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Abominable Snowman

May 10, 2013By

Abominable Snowman

aka Deadly Descent

2013
Written by Nathan Atkins
Directed by Marko Makilaakso

Abominable Snowman
Hey, guys, funny joke, now let me in!

A group of mountain climbers learn that sometimes the mountain climbs you, even if it isn’t in Soviet Russia and also “the mountain climbs you” is a metaphor for huge abominable snowmen that eat you. Sure, that joke makes no sense, but who gives a crap, we got a gigantic abominable snowman eating people, making sense is for losers!

Proud SyFy vets UFO International drop this tale of man vs. beast (Originally titled Deadly Descent), which follows a similar structure as most of the creature features, so it’s all down to details. While not being a bad example, Abominable Snowman is by the numbers, it does what it does and that’s what we got. The things to distinguish it from other creature features is not the monster, but the vast amount of skiing and snowboarding.

Every character is either active military, a vet, or going into the military. This means they drop military terms like candy at a parade. They’re also all experience mountaineers and skiers thanks to the nearby slopes, so those hobby terms are used all the time as well. I’m not experience enough at mountaineering and skiing to know if they were making sense or blabbing a bunch of nonsense, but I shall give them some leeway here. The military aspect defines the characters. They’re trapped in a small town, the only way out is to go into the army and see the world. Everyone’s friends join up, and the only jobs left is bartending for the broken vets who return. A main character Brian suffers from PTSD, as does at least one of the supporting cast. Adrian Paul’s helicopter pilot character returned from war an empty man and got into substance abuse troubles. Other characters argue about whether to reenlist, how it will disrupt their lives vs. the potential benefits and ability to do something interesting. It’s an evenhanded approach that doesn’t take sides, just shows reality. The variety of military characters as opposed to the usually cliche military nut is what I liked best about Abominable Snowman.

Abominable Snowman
Hi, we’re yetis, but usually we disguise ourselves as ellipses!

Director Marko Makilaakso helmed War of the Dead, which ran out of money and sat on a shelf for years. I haven’t seen it. Beyond that, he’s done a lot of documentary work. Writer Nathan Atkins also wrote Super Tanker and Cold Fusion, but before all this he angered a bunch of people who like a terrible movie too much when he wrote the DTV sequel, S. Darko.

The biggest disappointment is that the monster CGI just a few simple repeated movements, and beyond that we rarely see the creatures. As someone who likes lots of monster shots and shots of monsters doing things, this was disappointing. Beyond that, this ski route has seen a lot of snow bunnies slide down it. So in the end, the needle moves back to average but not terrible.

Brian Tanner (Chuck Campbell) – Obsessed Afghan vet who loses a friend hiking the same way he lost a father 25 years ago – via Abominable Snowman attack. Connecting the dots, Brian goes looking for the monster, and ends up finding him! Uh-oh! Chuck Campbell shows up in Jason X.
Nina Tanner (Lauren O’Neil) – Brian’s sister, was going to head off to officer’s training until her bro went missing. Now she has to go all Where’s Waldo and fight a monster that killed her dad.
Rick McCabe (Nicholas Boulton) – Guy sort of with Nina, which makes Brian uncomfortable because his sister is so young. Rick is a natural leader who takes charge of the search for Brian.
Mark (Adrian Paul) – Pilot and combat vet. Mark was in a helicopter crash, where he was accused of being too drunk to fly. Now drinks milk to forget and argues about his reputation.
Abominable Snowmen (CGI) – The fierce creatures of Glacier Peak, eating everyone they meet.
Abominable Snowman
I should’ve had a V8!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.

May 7, 2013By

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.


2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

The Girl from Bikini
I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!

In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.

The Girl from Bikini
Attica! Attica!

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.

Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!

The Girl from Bikini
Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!

While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”

Tania X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret agent of B.I.K.I.N.I., put on the case to track down who is interfering with the Sensible Satellite Radio signals.
Mr. Whatley (Brad Bartram) – The boss of B.I.K.I.N.I., at least until the next film…
Mark Ten (Voodoo/Alexandre Boisvert) – Agent of the CIA who becomes part of the case as he’s tangentially related with his bodyguard duties.
Samantha Rhinehart (Rebecca Love) – Heir to the Rhineheart family that owns Sensible Satellite Radio, is a nymphomaniac (the best kind of maniac!) Was being guarded by Mark Ten, who brought her along when he teamed up with Tania X to find out what’s going on.
Patty Mercury (Nicole Sheridan) – Stripper who knows of information concerning the jamming of agent satellite feed. All strippers are well versed in satellite communications information. That and clear high heels.
Mong Lee (Evan Stone) – Fay Wong’s servant Evan Stone’s wacky costume this movie is vaguely Japanese warrior garb. How did this warrior come into service of Fay Wong? That is a tale that is for you to write!
Fay Wong (Gianna Lynn) – Tong warlord and secret mastermind behind the plot to control agent radio signals. Not sure why, because this plan won’t make any money and will just put a target on her back from every spy agency in the world.
Randolph Davis (Randy Spears) – Rich businessman who is up to nefarious deeds for cash. He’s also a date rapist, so fuck this guy!
Kim Chee (Lacie Heart) – Fay Wong’s lady friend that she does lady friendly things with, those lady friendly things being sexual in nature.
Nikita (Anthony Hardwood) – That show Nikita is pretty good, and the other, earlier show was also good. And the movies are various levels of good. This Nikita isn’t a show or movie, but is a Russian agent who gets caught in Tania X’s web of seduction. And then caught in her right hook.
The Girl from Bikini
The Mime from BIKINI!
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