Zu: The Warriors from the Magic Mountain

December 15, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Zu: The Warriors from the Magic Mountain

aka 新蜀山劍俠 aka Xin shu shan jian ke

1983
Written by Shui Chung-Yuet and Sze-To Cheuk-Hon
Directed by Tsui Hark

My life having gone through the binge period of renting blurry Hong Kong VHS second generation dubs with hard to read subtitles from locally owned video stores in the 90s, Zu: The Warriors from the Magic Mountain is one of those films that unleashes giant waves of nostalgia. Despite the bad conditions it was being viewed under, the energy and effects magics caused it to rise above the masses. I’ve since seen it on first generation VHS, vcd, and DVD, each time being a fun experience as an idealistic young fighter is caught in the world of wuxia masters, who turn out to have just as many problems as the normal folk (only their problems are a million times more dangerous!) With Tsui Hark’s direction (and choreography work done by Corey Yuen Kwai, Yuen Biao, Fung Hak-On, and Mang Hoi), Zu is visually distinctive. The choreography and effects jumpstarted the look of modern Hong Kong film from the 1980s, while the color and humorous tone helped distinguish it from the Shaw Brothers films that it often shared rental store space with.

The effects look a bit dated now, flying people on obvious wires, old school makeup effects, and cartoon lasers zapping around. But a lot of the practical effects still look nice, and the pulsating monster seems more dangerous as a jiggling puppet than it would as just a bunch of lifeless CGI. The effects were pushed to show that Hong Kong could produce films on par with Star Wars and other early 80s effects-laden films from Hollywood. While I don’t think they quite match the talent, much is accomplished on what is obviously an insanely smaller budget (and Hong Kong effects would develop much further thanks to experience from producing films like this one!)

Despite the effects, much of the film is character driven. Dik Ming Kei’s endless idealism, Ding Yan’s tough exterior hiding a lonesome and good man, Yat Jan being a royal screw up, and the Ice Queen being the total opposite of her name when it comes to Ding Yan. It’s Moon Lee’s first major role, she would go on to be a major player in the Girls with Guns films of the late 80s/early 90s. Brigitte Lin began her domination as a martial arts queen that would ripen with Swordsman II and The Bride with White Hair.

The energy of Zu: The Warriors from the Magic Mountain is infectious, it covers so much that we’re sprinting from concept to concept. Despite that, the basic story is simple to follow. They even stop to remind everyone that it is just good vs. evil!

	Dik Ming Kei (Yuen Biao) – A former scout turned man fed up with war, who then gets entangled in drama in the martial world. He will become involved on a quest to literally save the planet. Through it all, his optimism and hope for the future becomes almost as powerful a weapon as the martial art skills he learns along the way.
	Ding Yan (Adam Cheng Siu-Chow) – Ding Yan of Nam-Hoi, a lone martial fighter who fights against evil and lives a solitary life. Ding Yan is proud and stern, but he’s also loyal to his friends.
	Yat Jan (Mang Hoi) – The student of Hiu Yu, a goofy klutz who doesn’t feel he is worthy to carry on the legacy of the Kwan-Leung school. Needs a healthy dose of confidence. Wears a turtle shell on his back.
	Hiu Yu (Norman Chu Siu-Keung) – Leader of Kwan-Leun school and trains his student, Yat Jan. Is called Heaven’s Blade. Poisoned early in the film, requiring the help of the Ice Queen.
	Ice Queen (Brigitte Lin Ching-Hsia) – the Lady lives in her secluded palace and has the power to heal those injured by supernatural means. But it also costs her much energy to heal them, and she usually decides to heal or not to heal based on fate, things ouside her control. Her isolation is argued to cause her to be cold, but she does have humanity in her (as evidenced by her interactions with Ding Yan)
	Ice Queen’s Guard (Moon Lee Choi-Fung) – One of the guards of Ice Queen’s palace, she is tricked by Dik Ming Kei and Hiu Yu when they embarass her to try to get past. She gets revenge on them by embarrassing them much more, and is the only member of Ice Queen’s crew to escape her palace. She joins the heroes on their quest as she has nowhere else to go.
	Chang Mei (Sammo Hung Kam-Bo) – Founder of Ngo-Mei School and fighter against evil. He holds the big villain at bay for 49 days with only a mirror and his eyebrows, surviving only with the hope the dopey goofs he sent on the quest to save the planet actually get their act together.

Demir yumruk Devler geliyor Iron Fist Giants are Coming

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Iron Fist: The Giants Are Coming

December 9, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Demir yumruk: Devler Geliyor

aka Iron Fist: The Giants Are Coming

1970 or 1973
Written and directed by Tunç Basaran

It’s me! Super-Bat-Other Man!

Iron Fist – Giants are Coming is an interesting fantastic Turkish film, because it uses super hero tropes, but isn’t really a super hero film. There is a diabolical villain ripped straight from pulp novels, disguises, and people punching people like they’re in those cliffhanger serials. But the actual masked hero is just a disguise used by the heroes after they fake their deaths. It is very common in these pulp Turkish cinema films for the heroes to essentially be super heroes already, with incredible fighting powers and brains. Often the heroes barely get into their costumes, because they don’t need them. Demir yumruk is a nice bridge of the two groups, and I certainly didn’t think that what transpired was how the super heroics was to be involved.

Our hero Enver is a typical Turkish film hero male, in that he regularly cheats on his girlfriend (who sees it as an amusing quirk – when she’s not violently kicking the other woman out of the house!), spends much of his time hanging out with his bros and at the gym, and gets into long long long physical fights will many many villains without even the slightest of bruises. His girlfriend Meral is a tough undercover woman who can fight just as well as the men while still looking like a fashion model. She is capable of infiltrating all sorts of locations and can dazzle the minds of villains with her belly dancing skills. She even saves Enver, though later he has to save her.

I can pick both nostrils at the same time! Can your Iron Fist do that?

Beyond the ganking of pulp culture iconography and characters, Turkish cinema also features songs ripped from other films, and Demir yumruk is no exception. Surf rock aficionados will find something strangely familiar from the cool tune blasting over the opening credits, and fans of all film will recognize scores of all flavors mixmashed with scenes of completely different tones and movements. Turkey had those YouTube fan videos down pat decades before YouTube.

The influence from serials is especially prevalent, there are multiple long punching fights, and almost every one of the frequent fights has the hero or villain barely escape to menace again in a few minutes. Characters are captured and subsequently rescued, while villains disappear with magic tricks or use gimmick weapons.

The Hamburger Helper glove has gone evil!

Demir yumruk: Devler geliyor features actors in yellowface, and this isn’t the first time we’ve encountered Turkish Yellowface (or even Turkish characters named after Fu Man Chu!) But there is more on display now than I’ve seen before. Besides the Asian gang lead by Fumancu, there is another evil gang of Russians lead by a guy named Zagof. The heroic heroes try to use the enmity of the gangs to their advantage, but it just as often plays to their folly. It certainly ramps up the suspense, we don’t know which gang will become the dominant one until events play out.

Tunç Basaran has been a prolific writer and director in Turkish cinema, with many filmns in the fantasy action genres. In the West he would be best known for his cult cinema work like Iron Fist, the first Tarkan film, and Ayşecik Ve Sihirli Cüceler Rüyalar Ülkesinde, better known as Turkish Wizard of Oz.

Dammit, Gandalf, stick with your own franchise!

	Enver (Enver Özer) – The all Turkish hero cop who takes this case. Like all manly Turkish men, he spends much time banging chicks who aren’t the one he’s dating, being shirtless, beating up other Turkish men, and showering with Turkish men. It’s almost as if they want me to write paragraphs and paragraphs about subtext…
	Meral (Feri Cansel) – The undercover investigator bringing down Zagof’s gang from the inside, while also dating Enver, who is bringing down Zagof and Fumancu’s gangs from the outside. Though she doesn’t dress up as the super hero, she does don a mask…when she dresses as a masked bellydancer to gain access to Fumancu’s hideout. Feri Cansel was a Turkish actress and sex symbol who lead a tragic life that ended short and violently, murdered by her fiancé in 1983. The exact number of films she starred in varies, because of the Turkish practice of cutting and pasting scenes into softcore/hardcore film, but she is widely believed to be the most prolific actor of the parça seks filmleri.
	Orhan (Süleyman Turan) – Ally of the heroes who is always chewing gum. He shows up randomly to help the heroes thanks to his many many jobs and connections. You could argue that Orhan is the real hero of Iron Fist, and you would be right! We all need an Orhan in our life.
	Murat (Orgun Alkan) – The son of murdered professor, so he seeks revenge against Fumancu for said murder. Joins up with the heroes because revenge. The chief of police has no problems with a loose cannon civilian joining the investigation to recover missing nuclear material by terrorists.
	Fumancu (Kayhan Yıldızoğlu) – Fumancu, more like Fu Man Chu! Except he’s not like Fu Man Chu, Fumancu is in a wheelchair and is shockingly effeminate. He’s got a honor guard of machine gun babes and has several assistant dudes standing over him. But is he really Wheelchair Andy Warhol?
	Zagof (Altan Günbay) – Famed Russian Communist madman, seeking out the cache of uranium before it’s found by Fumancu (or people who aren’t Bondian supervillains!) He makes himself a steel hand that shoots bullets, because that’s what super villains do. His face was scared by Fumancu. Lusts after his secretaries, who he seems to hire locally, which is really weird for an international supervillain to do.
	Çengel (Tarık Şimşek) – The goon we call Doublehook, he is Zagof’s chief lieutenant. His hand is replaced by a double hook, which leaves an interesting slicing pattern when used for attacks. Doublehook also scratches itches on his face with it, which is just tempting fate. But that’s how Doublehook plays!
	Iron Fist (??? It is a mystery!) – A mysterious Super Hero character who starts helping the heroes right when another hero is declared dead by the enemies, but isn’t really dead. Almost as if that gives away who the hero is. But just when you think you’ve figured it out, another Iron Fist appears! Like the ending of Three Amigos!

Now this is art!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Süpermen Dönüyor

December 8, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Süpermen Dönüyor

aka Superman Returns aka Turkish Superman

1979
Written by Necdet Tok
Directed by Kunt Tulgar

Superman may have returned once again this past summer, but now he won’t leave, and he’s picking a fight with Batman! What a jerk! I guess we’ll just have to deal with his Turkish twin brother, who was more of a precursor to the most recent adaptation of Superman than we ever could have guessed! Be prepared for amazement, because Süpermen dönüyor is amazing. It’s pure pop culture reappropriation, done with less money that would buy a gallon of gas. And that is at 1979 gas prices! But enthusiasm for Superman is evident, and Superman fully fits in with Turkish pop cinema’s love of superior manly men who punch the crap out of dozens of evil doers without getting a scratch. You could argue that Superman is weaker, having gained his powers via his alien birthright. But the Turkish men are all awesome while being Turkish, and Superman’s ease of fit into the role shows that immigration and assimilation works just as well for Turkish Superman’s origins as it does for the American one. The subconscious parallel is strong, and speaks of Superman’s universal appeal across the globe.

Confession time, this review was originally written over 9 years ago, back before TarsTarkas.NET even used a CMS and I hand-coded every page in (awful) html. The review was terrible (even for then) and I never got around to fixing it fully, returning to it every two years or so, and rewatching Süpermen dönüyor in the process. I’ve seen it unsubtitled on VHS tape, unsubtitled on a DVDR I made of said tape, and subtitled on the amazing DVD from Omar Films. I watched it before there was an American film called Superman Returns, and I’ve watched it after Man of Steel came and left theaters. This review has been rewritten so much that none of the original version remains. The most interesting change was the reaction to Turkish Superman killing people in the wake of what happens in Man of Steel. I’m still against it, but now we know that Zach Snyder stole everything from Turkish Superman! It is time for this pigeon to take flight, time for the review to show the world that it is a super being! Time for Superman to return!

I told you this would happen if you didn’t stop wanking!

Superman is a member of the proud club of US properties that got their very own Turkish productions that were “inspired” by the originals. In this case, “inspired” means “directly copied”. Superman is among the most-copied foriegn properties by Turkey. While Turkey is not the only country to use Superman in unauthorized ways, it was the most prolific, with an impressive output of films both easily found and missing and presumed destroyed.

There was a series of “Superman” films where he is called Super Adam, and only occasionally wore a costume loosely (and I mean loosely!) based on the US costume. 1971’s Süper Adam, and 1972’s Süper Adam Kadınlar Arasında and Süper Adam İstanbul’da. The 1972 film Süpermen Geliyor (Superman Is Coming) and the 1976 film Süpermen Fantoma’ya Karsi (Superman vs. The Phantom) both appear to be lost, though lost Turkish films have resurfaced before.

These posters are all you’re going to get for Süpermen Fantoma’ya Karsi unless someone finds reels in their garage

Let us not forget 1979’s other Turkish Superman film, the softcore comedy Süper Selami. But in non-smut Supermanish films, the Superman-inspired (and Three Fantastic Supermen-inspired) Çılgın Kız ve Üç Süper Adam (3 Supermen and a Mad Girl) also came from Turkey in 1973. Turkey producers (and Cüneyt Arkın for one entry!) were also involved in two of the Three Fantastic Supermen films – Three Supermen vs The Godfather and 3 Supermen at the Olympics. The most recent Superman-ish Turkish film is 2012’s SuperTurk!

This was the second film directed by Kunt Tulgar (the first was 1974’s Tarzan Korkusuz Adam – Tarzan the Mighty Man ) Another notable film in his resume is the Turkish martial arts flick Ejderin İntikamı (Revenge of the Dragon) Kunt Tulgar has gained fame in the West due to his name having an unfortunate other meaning in English.

Süpermen dönüyor is an amazing film, and while not being the best Turkish pop cinema entry (that would be Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam!), it is definitely top 5, and is essential viewing for cult cinema fans.

Until you get rebooted in 3 years…

	Tayfun (Tayfun Demir) – Tayfun Demir stars at Superman (and thus Clark Kent), he looks 7 feet tall and wears some of the goofiest glasses ever during his Clark Kent scenes. His character is named Tayfun (such originality!) but we’re just going to call him Clark Kent and Superman, as it’s much easier for all involved. Tayfun Demir seems to have been plucked out of obscurity to star as Clark Kenty and Superman, but then jumped right back in, as all we’ve been able to dig up was a date of death in 2003. Fun fact: his name translates to Typhoon Iron, which is a real superhero name if I’ve heard one!
	Süpermen (Tayfun Demir) – Superman came to Earth and is now Turkish. Turkish Superman powers: When he flies, he turns into a doll! Flying Superman can rear project backgrounds! Superman can use his mental powers to type at normal speed without touching the typewriter! Super x-ray vision that sees through clothes but not underwear! Guillotine-proof head! Superman can see back in time! Superman can see long distances, but not while he’s flying!
	Alev (Güngör Bayrak) – The Lois Lane character is played by Güngör Bayrak. She does the traditional roles of being the damsel in distress that Superman has to save, falling in love with Superman but not Clark, as well as constantly getting in the way of the villain. As seems to be the case with most Turkish actresses in the 60s and 70s, Güngör Bayrak posed for some risque pictures, thus equivilencing herself with Margot Kidder, who was in Playboy in 1975.
	Ekrem (Yildirim Gencer) – The Lex Luthor character wants kryptonite to use in a ray that will transform metal into other metals, so he can make lots of gold! Also, the ray will create a weapon against Superman, just for kicks. Ekrem is a reputable scientist, and you’d think he could easily get a hold of the formula from his friend without all sorts of evil schemes, but you’d be wrong! Ekrem is played by Yildirim Gencer, who starred in at least 197 films and died in 2005. We’ve seen him here before, but not his face. For he was…Kilink!!!
	Professor Çetinel (Esref Kolçak) – Professor Çetinel (Hetin in the subtitles) is that famous scientist who discovered the formula for Kryptonite after finding a meteor containing it, thus becoming a target of mysterious villains lead by his trusted scientific colleague, Ekrim. He wants to use Kryptonite as an unlimited power supply. Is the father of Alev.
	Haydar (Nejat Özbek) – Ekrem’s most prominent henchman, causes trouble for Alev and Superman on more than one occasion before he meets his untimely demise. Don’t be a henchman, folks!

Superman never should have supported the French royalists…

InGood, Movie Reviews

Frozen

December 2, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Frozen

2013
Story by Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee, and Shane Morris
Screenplay by Jennifer Lee
Directed by Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee

Disney’s take on the Snow Queen tale is an overall positive experience, but I hesitate to praise Frozen as a new classic. Despite some very good twists and themes that throw some classic Disney Princess tropes on their ears, the good parts don’t transform an overall uneven story into something great. Instead, we have something that is pretty good, just not amaze-tastic.

Frozen‘s strength is in its story of sisterly love. As children, Elsa accidentally injures Anna with her snow powers, causing Anna to have part of her memories erased. Ever since, the girls grow up separate, with Elsa hiding away due to her powers, taught to fear and suppress them. Anna is forever wondering why her sister hides away, and no one bothers to just tell her what happened. After the deaths of their parents (this IS a Disney movie!), Elsa comes of age to be coronated as queen, which will be the first time the palace has been open in years.

Anna’s elation at having actual people to interact with causes her to act almost drunk with gittiness, and it helps that one of the first things she does is bump into a handsome foreign prince, Hans. Elsa’s increasingly solemn demeanor (a manifestations of her duties and her worries that her powers will be exposed in front of all the visitors) drives Anna closer to Hans, to where they become engaged that night. Elsa realizes this is crazy, and doesn’t want to give her blessing at such a quick relationship, nor have a giant wedding where more people will be around to possibly expose her powers. This leads to an argument that leads to Elsa accidentally blasting parts of the palace with her ice powers. The powers go out of control, Elsa runs for the mountains, and accidentally freezes the whole town as she flees.

	Anna (Kristen Bell) – Anna goes after her sister, desperate to mend their rift, and also to help save the town, which now has a complete ice over in summer. She’s unprepared for such a harsh journey, but is motivated by her surviving memories of fun and love of her sister.
	Elsa (Idina Menzel) – The newly crowned queen of Arendelle is happier being alone in the mountains, free to use her power and free from accidentally harming anyone with it.
	Kristoff (Jonathan Groff) – A mountain man who runs an ice business, and lives a solitary life with his reindeer, Sven. He’s hired by Anna to take her up the mountain to the source of the cold. Their relationship starts as the typical antagonistic people from two worlds who grow together as they travel on a journey thing. Kristoff was an orphan, but was adopted by trolls (coincidentally, when he saw the young Anna be healed by trolls)
	Sven (Himself) – Reindeer owned by Kristoff. Sven loves carrots and pushing Kristoff to do things. Sven does not talk, but Kristoff often has conversations to himself where he provides a voice for Sven.
	Hans (Santino Fontana) – A foreign prince visiting the town for the coronation, he befriends Anna due to their shared experiences of having older siblings ignore them. He and Anna have a whirlwind romance that ends with them engaged on the day they meet. Hans is put in charge of the town after Elsa flees and Anna leaves to go find her. He does his best to take care of the frozen city, and leads an expedition to find the Queen and save Anna.
	Olaf (Josh Gad) – A snowman created inadvertently by Elsa when she’s playing with her powers, Olaf resembles the snowmen built by Elsa and Anna as children. He attaches himself to Anna and her party, and is excited about everything. Olaf’s greatest wish is to experience summer, blissfully unaware as to what happens to snowmen in summer.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Super Sex Program

November 17, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Super Sex Program

aka The Big Bust Theory

2013
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

We lost funding to replace burnt out blinky lights…

Nerds attempt to discover the secret of love in The Super Sex Program (or The Big Bust Theory if you bought the DVD!) Alexandre Boizvert and Eric Masteron play big nerds and completely go 100% stereotypical goofy voices, like this is a lost Revenge of the Nerds chapter or an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But instead of being a bunch of jokes about nerd culture, instead we get what turns out to be a sweet story about finding out what love is, and learning to interact socially without being a loser.

We get the new logo for Synthetic Filmwerx, now abbreviated as SFW. Directed by Fred Ole— Dean McKendrick?!?!?! Yes, duty has been split between McKendrick and Ray with the latest batch of films (McKendrick wrote or cowrote many from years prior) But don’t fret, the same tone and style is still very evident in the latest batch of Bikini movies. If anything, this latest entry kicks things into a new level of story telling while still delivering naked people bumping uglies. Perhaps the tales from MRG’s brand of films are pushing the envelope into more complex storytelling, or perhaps this evolved independently (and until I watch the other films from this batch, I won’t know for sure)

She’s watched too many episodes of Double Divas on Lifetime! We must unscramble her brain.

At one point the characters develop a “love potion” that is supposed to drive women wild with passion. Normally in these films, the characters then use the potion on women and essentially rape them, or at least get the women to do things they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t thinking straight. Here, the whole thing is thrown on it’s ear, one application doesn’t matter because the woman wants to have sex with the nerd, while the other nerd’s adventure turns out to all be in his mind and the woman rejects him (the potion also doesn’t work.)

Later, they build a woman that they’ve programmed to totally be attracted to them, like this is Weird Science or the Aerosmith video to “Hole in my Soul” Of course, this fails to work either, the robot woman is mysteriously reprogrammed to only like hot chicks. The nerds accept this programming and don’t try to program her back. The schemes of the nerds are orchestrated by their boss Dr. Carmichael, but there is a method to his madness that becomes abundantly clear.

Soon we will know what tiny skulls think about the Kardashians!

The positive and fun film is a nice breath of fresh air, and shows you can tackle some of the relationship issues MRG films cover without being forced to be 100% serious all the time. The lessons mirror those from nerd and geek film, without feeling too much like they’re covering well-tread ground. The various story threads manage to play out not quite the way you expect. And Christine Nguyen in glasses making goofy faces? Points for that alone! Jazy Berlin also throws in a great performance as the robot Alice, turning what would be in many films a forgettable role into a memorable character.

	Stanley (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – A chemical engineer who can’t understand why his superior intelligence isn’t lining up the women. Obviously there must be something wrong with all the women! Easily susceptible to head trauma.
	Walter (Eric Masterson) – A robotic engineer who needs to believe in himself. Is a lot better at solving other people’s problems than his own.
	Betty (Christine Nguyen) – Coworker at the lab that Stanley doesn’t see as a woman at all, despite her megacrush on him. Spends most of the film making faces at the ridiculous things said by Stanley and Walter.
	Tammy (Mary Carey) – New neighbor to the nerds who ends up becoming Walter’s crush, but will he ever find the confidence to do anything about it except regret?
	Alice (Jazy Berlin) – Robot built by the nerds in order for them to have sex with her, Weird Science-style. Alice is an acronym for Artificial LIfe Construct Experiment. She turns out to only like “hot chicks”
	Chad (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
	Dr. Carmichael (Michael Gaglio) – The boss of the two nerds (and Betty), who sends them on their love-seeking quest. Is far craftier than he appears.
	Cindy (Beverly Lynne) – Woman Chad picked up at the gym, he can’t remember her name, but that’s not why she’s over at his place…
	Olga (Yurizan Beltran) – Masseuse at Olga’s Massage Parlor. Rejects Walter in his attempt to get her to have sex for money. I have a feeling Olga is not her real name…

Nerds. Will they ever learn?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

November 16, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills

2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

When will us busty housewives get to bust a move?

While I usually am gung ho for the Fred Olen Ray films, Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills left a sour taste in my mouth. During the film, the main character hypnotizes a female character and essentially rapes her, and causes her to be raped several other times. It’s all played as “magical control” where the woman suddenly becomes super horny and can’t help herself. But it is rape. And that’s not cool, nor does it make Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills a fun film to watch with your significant other.

There is a group of people who enjoy scenes where women are brainwashed or hypnotized or drugged into becoming incredibly horny and thus needing sex right this instant. Some of it undoubtedly spurs from the time-honored tradition of going out, getting drunk, and getting laid. With a little alcohol in their system, inhibitions drop. All of the depictions feature women who are enthusiastic about the sex they are about to do no under their entire free will. There is an undercurrent that all these women would be banging left and right if they could, so these effects just let them do what they want to do. Others seem into it because it is a form of humiliation of the woman, that she somehow deserves to have sex with random guys because she has lots of sex anyways. That points to a deeper problem, and much more disturbing. Now, this is fiction, no one is actually being raped, and fantasies are fine as long as they are fantasies. Some fantasies I can do without seeing depicted in the media I consume.

It’s not the first time this scenario has shown up in a Fred Olen Ray film – Bikini Jones features a scene where she’s essentially drugged, a character in Bikini Pirates is possessed by a ghost and gets it on, Tanya X in The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is literally drugged and raped, and the female characters in Housewives From Another World are all taken over by time-traveling aliens and essentially consumed(murdered) by them. All of these scenarios are terrible, and though you can try to argue excuses for some of them, they are what they are. They do make things unenjoyable, and I am at the point where I don’t want to watch them anymore. I was heartened because of something that happens in 2013’s The Super Sex Program that throws these on their ear, so maybe things are changing.

They really shouldn’t have split The Hobbit into 37 different films…

Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills not only has a rapist main character, but almost every character is a bad person. It’s a weird movie where the only somewhat decent character is a hired killer. Most characters are scummy and excuse their bad behavior, while Carmine the killer is honest about being a bad person. That doesn’t save him from suffering the same fate as many of the other characters, frozen in place for an unknown time period. Their ultimate fate unknown, as Dave Nelson and his wife leave to be miserable elsewhere. While Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills seems like it’s making a stand against mindless consumerism, that point is lost beneath the layers of terrible behavior.

	Doug Nelson (Eric Masterson) – Former famous traveling hypnotist turned jaded psychic, who soon inherits a big house in Beverly Hills that turns out to be just as problematic as not having a big house. He’s also big into hypnotizing women to have sex with him.
	Kate Nelson (Kelli McCarty) – Used to be an actress, now he’s jut a washed up pretend psychic working with her washed up pretend psychic husband, dreaming of her glory years and wishing she had piles of cash to blow on useless junk.
	Patricia (Beverly Lynne) – Cranky spoiled housewife of Peter who spends all her time talking down to everyone, especially her new favorite target, Doug. Ends up hypnotized and then teaming up with a hired killer.
	Peter (Ted Newsom) – Tycoon in the oil business, because you can’t have Beverly Hills without oil. Unless it’s 90210, which I don’t think has oil. They did have the Peach Pit, which is like oil. Okay, maybe it’s not like oil, but let’s pretend it is like oil. Pretending is fun!
	George Hemwell (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
	Amy Hemwell (Kylee Nash) – George’s wife, who is usually falling out of her dress. Was even going to sleep with Doug until he turned out to be a blackmailer! Probably the most well-rounded of the characters despite being amoral.
	Carmine (Evan Stone) – Killer hired by George to take out Doug Nelson, except he goes to the wrong house and gets involved with Patricia. Despite being a murdered and becoming an unwilling rapist, he’s a pretty decent guy who helps unravel the mess going on.
	Griswald (Michael Gaglio) – Friend of Doug’s late aunt, who is also teaching Doug a lesson. Dough is one of those people who needs like 1000 lessons, so Griswald is going to be busy for a long while…

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