Megachurch Murder (Review)

February 19, 2015ByTars Tarkas

Megachurch Murder

2015
Written by Kendall Clark
Directed by Darin Scott

Megachurch Murder is a pretty keen take on Hamlet played in the world of church politics, complete with a ton of Shakespeare references tossed in. Hannah Spears (Shanica Knowles) is our Hamlet, her father, Hamilton Spears (Malcolm-Jamal Warner), winds up mysteriously dead, and the new church leader both announces a massive expansion of the church and also moves in on Hamilton’s widow, Martha Spears (Tamala Jones).

It’s important to note that Shaker Point, the church, is not a megachurch. The megachurch is the concept that new church leader Clay King (Michael Beach) proposes after his ascent to power. He’s supported by his son Marcus King (Corbin Bleu), while black sheep son Oliver King (Romeo Miller) is assigned to look after Hannah. Hannah has not taken her father’s death well, as highlighted by her showing up drunk to the church service that announces the expansion and ranting at the audience about disrespecting her father’s memory. No one takes Hannah seriously due to her constant drunken state (even Hannah), until she discovers a flash drive with a video message from Hamilton Spears to her detailing the shady goings on in the church leadership, and how he fears he’s in danger. But that drunk Hannah spills her wine all over the flash drive, meaning she has to enlist her computer-savy friend Harlow Gillman (Santana Dempsey ) to recover the message, which will take most of the film.

While that waits, Hannah tips her hand a few times with her suspicions, leading Clay to target her for elimination. Marcus’s scheme to drug her fails (Hannah has decided to remain sober during her investigation, but only pretend to be drunk so no one suspects her, thus she doesn’t ingest anything), and his attempts to grab her in church in front of her mother causes Hannah to fight back and Marcus to fall to his death off the balcony. At this point Hannah’s mom Martha suspects Clay knows more than he’s letting on about Hamilton’s death, and soon all the Spears and King family members are confronting each other on a bridge, and they all won’t get out alive (Though the body count is a bit lower than in actual Hamlet!)

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sugar Daddies (Review)

February 16, 2015ByTars Tarkas

Sugar Daddies

2015
Written by Barbara Kymlicka
Directed by Doug Campbell

The bread and butter of Lifetime movies are ridiculous scare films that show the danger of things like being pregnant, drugs, the internet, being involved in any way with a man, being involved in any way with a woman, or choking yourself to get high. So of course they have to chime in on the dangerous world of college-age girls sleeping with rich older men for money with Sugar Daddies. Spoiler alert: It’s dangerous!

Kara Jones (Taylor Gildersleeve) is your typical hardworking prelaw student who spends all her time waiting tables, working on papers, and having beer spilled on her. Oh, and she’s fired, because they hired too many people at the bar. She’s got no money and no job, thus can’t accept an unpaid internship somewhere that would rocket her future law career. Kara’s roommate Shawna (Ashley McCarthy) has no money problems, because she receives large checks thanks to the time she spends hanging out with a rich old guy. Real old. Old as balls. Old as balls that blast out dust. Into Shawna, hence how she makes her money. The lure of not being broke, dropping out, and being a waitress for the next decade is appealing to Kara, enough that she lets Shawna talk her into attending one of the meetup parties, which is packed with rich old guys and hot young thing. Kara gets uncomfortable, and she’s approached by a man named Grant Zager (Peter Strauss). Though he’s more charming than creepy, she still leaves. Grant remarks to his creepy bodyguard Peter (Timothy Brennen) that he loves a challenge.

Grant is one of those guys who has enough money to always get his way, and with Kara having no money, her family having no money (her dad (James C. Burns) was injured at work and the insurance company screwed them over, leaving them with huge medical bills). Kara allows herself to be talked into going out with Grant once, which means a dinner date in San Francisco (which they fly to by private jet, though it’s still less impressive to me, who lives in San Francisco!) He also dangles a $5000 check in front of her, promising she’ll get one every month, if…

InBad, Movie Reviews

Superman vs. The Elite (Review)

February 2, 2015ByTars Tarkas

Superman vs. The Elite

2012
Written by Joe Kelly
Based on “What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way?” from Action Comics #775 by Joe Kelly, Doug Mahnke, and Lee Bermejo
Directed by Michael Chang

Superman has been a cultural icon for 80 years, he’s survived several waves of popularity of comic books, multiple reboots and revisions to his story and character, and still remains popular world wide despite the world being far different than the one he was introduced to. In fact, one of the major things people write about Superman is how he seems to be a character from another time. Back when things seemed simple and a super powered guy could just punch his way to the right answer. Now things are complicated, because we think about the consequences of actions and about the causes of problems, so just punching things is usually out. This is helped in part by characterizations of Superman by people who don’t really know what to do with him, turning him into a boy scout tool of the government or a deadbeat dad. One of the plot points of Superman Returns was Lois Lane winning a Pulitzer for an article basically saying the world didn’t need a Superman.

Where some media interpretations of Superman has failed, he has gained a pretty solid characterization in the numerous animated projects from DC comics, across tv and dtv films. The Superman presented is a man who does his best to balance power and responsibility while stopping threats of immense power (and they usually have to be, because Superman is just invincible otherwise!)

So it’s natural that the animated DC movies would cover What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way? from Action Comics #775. Written by Joe Kelly (with pencils by Doug Mahnke and Lee Bermejo), it’s a story about how the world seems to have changed, how heroes that are willing to kill (a line Superman doesn’t cross) have gained traction, and just how much Superman holds back in the hope of inspiring people to be better. Superman takes his responsibility as a role model seriously, and holds himself to the highest moral standard. Some of the themes are also present in the awesome Kingdom Come story (another tale I hope gets the animated treatment!)

The Elite is a team consisting of four members. Manchester Black is the leader, he has a Union Jack tattooed over his chest (I thought it was just a shirt until it was specifically pointed out!) The Hat is an Asian mystic who can do magic tricks and summon supernatural creatures thanks to his magic hat. He’s also constantly drunker as the movie goes on. Menagerie has some sort of alien biosuit that allows her to turn into creatures. Coldcast is a large man wearing chains that has electromagnetic powers. Aside from Manchester’s long tragic flashback, the other three Elite don’t get much in the way of characterization and pretty much follow Black’s lead.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)

January 30, 2015ByTars Tarkas

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

How to do a proper bowling stance

Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!

	Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve.
	Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man.
	Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city.
	Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith.
	Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place.
	Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game.
	Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess.
	Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

I (Review)

January 26, 2015ByTars Tarkas

I

2015
Written by Shankar and Subha
Directed by Shankar

Bring it on, Gaston!

After the trailer for Shankar’s I burst on the scene, it became a must-see event. Because the trailer was bonkers! I has hit theaters (including a nice limited release in the US, thus allowing me to go see it on the big screen!), and it delivers with lots of insane story, amazing visuals, rocking songs, and a sense of excitement for what it is. I packs in everything it can, trying to deliver entertainment on all levels to a maximum amount of audience.

I is a revenge movie, that differs than the usual revenge feature in that Lingesan isn’t killing those that wronged him, his hideously deforming them as revenge for hideously deforming him. As repeatedly pointed out in the film, this is a fate that’s considered more worse than death. And some of the things that happen to the villains are awful, but they do awful things to Lingesan first.

Laws of physics can suck it!

The tale is told in a mixed format, opening with the hunchback and mutated faced Lingesan kidnapping Diya away from her wedding and chaining her up. She screams demanding to know who he is, and we jump to the long flashbacks of the young and buff Lingesan and his story of how he made enemies because they were mad at how awesome he was. As the stories converse, we see Lingesan take revenge one by one on the various villains who destroyed his life.

Lingesan (Vikram) is a bodybuilder training hard to compete in the upcoming Mr. India regional event. He’s also obsessed with a commercial model named Diya (Amy Jackson), collecting her advertising images and buying products she endorses, even things like feminine hygiene products. Lingesan is well liked and appears to be a shoo-in to win, which angers fellow contestant Ravi (M. Kamaraj). This is Ravi’s last year he can enter, and he wants to win so he can qualify for a high-ranking job. His threats to Lingesan are ignored, resulting in a huge sprawling brawl that happens between rounds of the competition.

What do you mean you didn’t go see this when you had a chance???

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Super Energetic Man (Review)

January 22, 2015ByTars Tarkas

Super Energetic Man

aka 戇豆豆追女仔

1998HKMDB Link
Written by Johnny Lee Gwing-Gaai
Directed by Dung Do Cheung Mei

I’m off-brand Popeye the Sailor Man!

A bootleg Hong Kong version of Popeye? Yep, Super Energetic Man transplants Popeye to Hong Kong cinema, brings a good portion of cartoon violence, and then goes completely nuts! Super Energetic Man plays like it’s trying to be a Stephen Chow comedy: It’s got copious copyright “borrowing”, cartoonish violence, scenes that make little sense to fill out the mo lei tau, and Lee Kin-Yan. As a Popeye film, it barely qualifies, with much of the plot running off in random directions, sometimes not even involving any of the main characters. But it just qualifies enough on the rare occasions On Do-Do whips out a can of spinach, shoots it up in the air (the spinach being played by green confetti), munches it down dramatically, inflates his arms, and does superhuman deeds.

Oh no!

The fake Popeye is named On Do-Do (Edmond Leung Hon-Man), and he’s a humble newbie lifeguard who mysteriously often dresses in a sailor suit. His first appearance is disrupting the complicated seduction plans of Captain Lorento (Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong), who throws rats at women who are in rafts, then “saves” them from fake sharks. This overly-complicated plan fails when On Do-Do tosses a skewer into the “shark”, and earning the unwanted gratitude of hot babe Maltese, who will spend most of the film chasing after him and declaring him her boyfriend. But On Do-Do’s heart belongs to another…

On Do-Do and Princess Lychee (Gigi Lai Chi) are in love, they met on the internet. In 1997. “But ours is internet love, I can’t retreat from it,” says On Do-Do. Also they’ve never sent photos to each other, so when they do meet, it is a mystery what each one looks like. But once they do meet, sparks fly, at least until the many many times someone comes in to disrupt their union. Princess Lychee is a real princess, from Kuwite, and because of her great beauty, many men have turned heel in obsession with stealing her away to make her their bride. Hence, her Uncle Pat spends the beginning of the film battling some random soldier who professes her love and tries to kidnap her (Lychee protests that she’s never even met him!) and later Captain Lorento and Mad Dragon also try to steal her away. With all these creepy dudes stalking after her, On Do-Do becomes the best guy in the country simply because he’s the only one who let’s her choose who she wants to date. Also he helps save her from the creeps who take her agency, which often makes up for the various lovers’ quarrels.

So say we all!

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