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Reign of Assassins (Review)

Reign of Assassins

aka Jianyu

2010
Directed by Su Chao-Pin and John Woo

Reign of Assassins left me angry, not because it is a bad film, but because it could have been an outstanding film. Reign of Assassins had the potential to be an awesome and unforgettable film experience. Instead, we have just a good film, with parts I remember more because of how they could have been and not what they are. Yes, there are some great sequences in Reign of Assassins (RoA for those of us who are cool), mostly the action sequences (which is where it looks like John Woo just completely took over), but there are many other parts that look great in screencaps and as stills.

Interesting characters are introduced, only to be barely in the film or have suspect motivations, while other characters get far far too much screen time. Why we had like 30 minutes of the land lady vs. five minutes of the Magician I will never know. The villain’s big secret reveal was a let down, as was his secret identity. Why does the undisputed master of the biggest circle of thieves need a secret identity? And it isn’t even a secret identity that he uses to get information no one else can get, he’s just… Gah!

One is tempted to compare this to John Woo’s Face/Off, what with all the face-switching, but he didn’t write the film and seemed to be just hanging around the set all day telling Su Chao-Pin what to do. I guess he just sort of took over and Su Chao-Pin was so impressed that John Woo is hanging around he just let him. John Woo’s daughter Angeles Woo even shows up near the beginning of the film! So we can say that Su Chao-Pin got Wooed. Big time.

Just imagine one day you are directing a film, and then Steven Spielberg walks in and says he loves the script and wants to hang out on set. Of course you’re stoked, you are in the presence of a master and probably learn a lot. Then the next day, Steven comes back. And that’s cool. And he has tips and helps out your crew. Then he comes back again the next day. And the next. Soon your crew starts deferring to him and he virtually takes over directing most of the major scenes. The press gets wind, and suddenly your film is now “Steven Spielberg’s…” and his daughter is suddenly cast in it. Soon, no one even remembers who you are. Your star asks you to go get coffee. Spielberg is sent on a ten city tour to promote the film, while you get yelled at for forgetting the hazelnut syrup in the latte. Bitter and dejected, you then log onto TarsTarkas.NET, only to find even he is making fun of you. Your life is ruined, and there is nothing left to do but jump off the Empire State Building. But don’t despair, I think they got suicide nets now. Try the Golden Gate Bridge, it is still net free at the moment.

Now, I’m not saying that’s what happened on this film, I’m just saying they need to get the barriers on the bridge built faster.


So let’s start the Roll Call for John Woo’s Reign of Assassins!

Zeng Jing aka Drizzle (Michelle Yeoh) – Change your face, change your life. Also steal half of a dead body and realize you can’t really leave the underworld unless it is on a trail of dead bodies. Michelle Yeoh is famous enough I shouldn’t have to explain who she is.
Jiang Ah-Sheng (Jung Woo-Sung) – Zeng Jing’s husband with a secret of his own. He’s a delivery guy who enjoys hiding from the rain and being rejected by Zeng Jing. Until she finally marries him because we’ve wasted enough time in the village and the plot demands we continue on. Jung Woo-Sung was in Musaand The Good, The Bad, and The Weird.
Wheel King (Wang Xue-Qi) – Leader of the Dark Stone, the super thieves gang that rules the Chinese underworld. He has a secret identity and a secret. He also has a goofy nickname. Just because he did awesome on Wheel of Fortune and even scored a date with Vanna White, he’ll never live it down….
Turquoise Leaf (Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan) – Barbie Hsu plays a good crazy woman, you almost forget she can play likable characters (cough cough Adventure of the King), or characters that are the living embodiment of a gloomy rainy day (cough cough Future X-Cops).
The Magician (Leon Dai Lap-Yan) – The coolest character who is completely ignored and quickly eliminated. That’s what you get for not being a boring guy who likes noodles!
Lei Bin (Shawn Yu Man-Lok ) – The needles guy likes noodles. This guy is pretty boring, and throwing needles is something that you usually see women doing in martial arts films. Another Dark Stone assassins. Did you know Dark Stone members are called “Dark Stoners”? Now you do! Shawn Yu has been in the Infernal Affairs trilogy and tons of other films I have seen but not written reviews of.
Drizzle (Kelly Lin Hsi-Lei) – Here is Drizzle pre-face surgery, because she was played by someone famous so we’re namedropping her. Largely because Kelly Lin was in Asian Charlie’s Angels.

Revenge of Lady Fighter (Review)

Revenge of Lady Fighter

aka Buhawi

1973
Directed by Junar – aka Jun Aristorenas
Written by Greg B. Macabenta

“Only a hurricane can freeze the fury of her fist!”

Revenge of Lady Fighter is really well done once the fight sequences get going. In fact, the fight scenes and quality are so good the film actually made me angry. Not at the film, but because the team behind Revenge of Lady Fighter was also the team behind Batwoman and Robin and Batwoman and Robin Meet the Queen of the Vampires, two films considered holy grail lost films of Filipino cinema (though Tony Cayado directed Meet the Queen of the Vampires). Before watching Lady Fighter, I assumed these would be dumb comedies with little to no action sequences, along the lines of Alyas Batman en Robin. Instead, now I am picturing them as a fun-filled action romps, making the fact I will probably never see them stinging even more.

Director Jun Aristorenas was born Juanito Aristorenas in 1933 in the Philippines. By the late 1950s he was a regular on the Filipino vaudeville circuit (known as Bodabil), which lead to a few walk-on roles in films. By 1965, he was a headliner, starring in flicks such as Dugong Tigre. In 1967, he started his own production company – Junar Productions – Junar being his nickname and the name he is credited as director of this flick.

Jun Aristorenas was nominated as best actor for his performance in Elias, Basilio at Sisa (1972) by the Film Academy of Movie Arts & Sciences (FAMAS). His 1970 film Dimasalang scored him the Rajah Soliman award for Best Director at the 1970 Manila Film Festival. He became a regular in western films such as Johnny West (1966) and Dimasalang, but also starred in other action genres such as war or even samurai films like Samurai Master (1969) and The Samurai Fighters (1969). Cult movie fans might recognize him from She Devils in Chains (1976) Jun Aristorenas continued to act in films up to his death in 2000, his last appearance being 2000’s Pag Oras Mo, Oras Mo Na.

Aristorenas married female action star Virginia (aka Virginia Gaerlan then Virginia Aristorenas) who then starred in several of his films. By the 1970s, Virginia had assumed the mantle of the Action Queen of Filipino Cinema, the successor of 1950’s action queen Celia Fuentes. Virginia debuted in 1971’s Ang Mababangis and started out doing dangerous stunts from the start. She appeared in films such as Bandolera (1972), Apat na Bagwis (1972) – “Three men and a woman, undercover agents, blast the hell out of Devil’s Island”, Kumander Erlinda (1972), and The Panther (1973). Two of their sons, Robin and Junar, also appeared in some of the films. In fact, Robin Aristorenas played Robin in Batwoman and Robin and Batwoman and Robin Meet the Queen of the Vampires along with a long career as a child actor. Virginia has passed on, but I have been unable to find out when and why.

Lady Fighter suffers from being a film of the 1970s and thus has some of the flaws of the era, including long drawn out scenes that would be cut much tighter now. Is someone walking up to a village? Well, we’re gonna see every single step he takes. Yay!!! Uh…

Rosa (Virginia aka Virginia Aristorenas) – Rosa is quested by Ming to retrieve the medallions he gave the townspeople who are now using his martial arts knowledge for evil instead of good. She has to learn kung fu all by herself and then beat up everyone since the few cops are all useless.
Ming (Ernie Ortega) – Ming is a local kung fu master who is a legend, which we know because we’re told so. He teaches the town kung fu on the condition they will use it honorably, but once the genie is out of the bottle the townspeople smash that bottle over the heads of the villains and kill them all. Ming is ticked off, but even more ticked off when he is killed.
Nardo (Rolando Gonzalez) – The local bad guy of the town, who becomes the big bad guy once he gets the taste of karate power. Rolando Gonzalez was the Karate King of Philippine Movies. The son of Latino Gonzalez, known as the Father of Philippine Karate. Gonzalez starred in a string of action films in the 60s and 70s, but near the end of his life was broke and begging his old acting buddies for money. He died in 2009.
Lewel (Fred Galang) – Lewel is the only non-comic relief guy in town who isn’t a murderous drunk. Depending on who dubbed what part, the guy’s name is either Lewel or Noel. Fred Galang was a much lauded actor in the 1960s and 70s. A biography of Fred Galang I found that looks auto-translated mentioned that at one point he joined “occult, ESP mind power and drugs”. Eventually he became a born again minister.
Curian (Palito) – Curian might be named Rulen, depending on whoever wrote up the dubbing script that week. We’re going with Curian because that is the one used more. He’s one of the comic relief guys and helps Rosa train for her mission. Palito translates to stick, and he was a hard-working comedian who was making films until 2007, enduring the ups and downs of the Pinoy film industry. Notable films include Darna at Ding, BoboCop, James Bone, and Sheman: Mistress of the Universe. He died in 2010.
Other Comic Relief (Teroy de Guzman) – The other comic relief guy doesn’t even get a name! He manages to get a medallion and joins the bad guys as they go off to form a gang due to being forced to go with them. At the end, Other Comic Relief helps rescue his buddy Curian. A Bodabil alumni, Teroy was a member of the famous singing and dancing group Crazy Corporation with Panchito, Ading Fernando and Bayani Casismiro. He was also part of the dancing trio The 3 Hot Shots with fellow comedians Dolphy and Rene Pangan in the 1950s. He continued to work through the early 1980s in TV and the best estimates for his death is sometime in the 1990s.

Defendor (Review)

Defendor


2009
Written and directed by Peter Stebbings

Oh, there will be spoilers. So don’t read if you don’t like them.

Defendor – “Fight Back!”

When I first heard of Defendor, it was word of mouth describing Woody Harrelson running around as a super-hero with a duck taped “D” on his shirt. But the film is much more than just some guy as a low-rent superhero. It is a twist on the superhero mythos as well as a semi-realistic take on what a real life “superhero” would be. A guy who isn’t all there upstairs but has his heart in the right place. Most comic inspired films don’t have the same sweet sadness feel of Defendor.

Oh, let’s get this out of the way…

Arthur Poppington / Defendor (Woody Harrelson) – Woody Harrelson is one of the great underrated actors of our times and delivers another great performance as Arthur Poppington and as Defendor. That’s Defendor! He’s got duck tape, marbles, and wasps. Eat your heart out, Batman!
Kat Debrofkowitz (Kat Dennings) – Hooker who ends up crashing at Arthur’s place after they continually cross paths under his guise as Defendor. At first, she is using him, but learns to love the big dope.
Chuck Dooney (Elias Koteas) – Crooked cop whose nasty deeds means he and Defendor run into each other often, especially when Defendor becomes convinced his crook boss is the evil Captain Industry. It’s enough to make a guy want to become a masked vigilante and pal around with some mutated turtles.
Paul Carter (Michael Kelly) – A friend of Arthur’s and his boss at work. Spends most of the film trying to get Arthur out of jams.
Dr. Ellen Park (Sandra Oh) – Psychiatrist appointed by the courts to determine if Arthur is fit to stand trial. Helps set the narrative structure.
Captain Fairbanks (Clark Johnson) – Local police Captain who becomes the Commissioner Gordon for Defendor.

High-Kick Girl

High-Kick Girl! (Review)

High-Kick Girl!

aka Hai kikku garu!

2009
Directed by Fuyuhiko Nishi
Written by Yoshikatsu Kimura and Fuyuhiko Nishi

High-Kick Girl was one of four films that came out or were announced close together that featured new female fighting talent as the leads, the others being Coweb from Hong Kong, Fighter from Denmark (review forthcoming), and Chocolate from Thailand.

For what is undoubtedly a low-budget flick, it does mush of what it sets out to do. The main goal is to showcase the karate skills of the stars, with plenty of real karate action and moves. Forget your wire work and CGI. The amount of prep work required must have been enormous for such a low-budget affair. Rumors abound that stunt people had to go take MRIs for having so many kicks to the heads and were really upset that the fighting was all “real” and they didn’t do takes where punches and kicks were pulled.

One constant stylization that High-Kick Girl uses is the different angle slow-mo instant replay. Many of the more brutal hits are instantly replayed from an alternate angle slow enough for you to enjoy them. This happens often enough that it probably added 20 minutes to the length of the film

Many of the characters are given introductions with their names when they first appear on screen. One problem is the fact the intros are in Japanese with no subtitles. I can read some of the characters, so there will be a few actual names below, but some of them I didn’t catch.

Kei Tsuchiya (Rina Takeda) – A real-life blackbelt in karate who will kick you in the head just because she can. This girl kicks high, thus the title, Kick High Girl. Wait, that’s not the title!
Yoshiaki Matsumura (Tatsuya Naka) – Tatsuya Naka is a real life Karate champion, as in a former All Japan Karate champion who is now the Japan Karate Association lead instructor.
Kei’s buddy (???) – Kei’s buddy who documents her attempts to beat up everyone in the universe.
Ryuzoku (Sudo Masahiro) – Matsumura’s former associate with a grudge. Ryuzoku is part of a larger mob of goons who all hate Matsumura, and he gets to him by going through Kei and using her to track down his foe.
Genga (Amano Koji) – Leader of the gang (the Destroyers) with a grudge against Matsumura. What this grudge is, I don’t know thanks to the no subtitles, but my guess is Matsumura

Planet Hulk

Planet Hulk (Review)

Planet Hulk


2010
Directed by Sam Liu
Written by Greg Johnson (screenplay) and Greg Pak (comic)

Planet Hulk is a storyline from the Incredible Hulk series where our favorite giant green monster gets rocketed to another planet, where he becomes a slave, a gladiator, a rebel, and finally a king, smashing things all the while. It was very popular, for good reason, because it was freaking awesome! It spawned sequels, spin-offs, and this DTV animated film. The storyline was mainly written by Greg Pak, or Robot Stories fame. Planet Hulk brings about memories of stories such as the John Carter of Mars series, Gladiator, and Conan the Barbarian. If you have the time, I highly recommend reading the story, collected in graphic novel form. It helped get me back into reading comics for a while, which was pretty difficult to do thanks to Marvel ruining things with stupid Spider-clones and crap.

The DTV film which is the subject of this review differs from the original story in several ways. One of the main differences is the fact the Silver Surfer is nowhere to be found, instead replaced by Beta Ray Bill (which is pretty random, sort of like the Silver Surfer’s original appearance in the story!) Surfer’s non-appearance is apparently due to licensing reasons. The story is also missing the Warbound Brood character No-Name, so I guess all those Brood fans will be disappointed. As the film is not so long, the story is sped up and most of the last act is hurriedly paced, even if I hadn’t of read the original story it would have felt rushed. Along with that, many subplots die by the wayside. Finally, the tragic ending of the original storyline does not occur, probably due to them wanting to end the story on a positive note and leaving the rest for a possible sequel. Hulk may be green, but Marvel wants the other green, money!

So since I loved the original story so much, that probably means I hate this version? Not quite. Despite over-simplifying it to the point where much of the flavor is removed, the same basic story is there, and there is plenty of fighting action. There are numerous scenes with the Spikes, which show someone involved in the DTV production really liked zombie movies. Parts of it are actually creepy/scary in a way they fail to be in the comic. I didn’t hate this version, I actually liked it, but I’ll be keeping the graphic novel instead of the DVD on my bookshelf.

There are numerous cameos in the audience, including Pip the Troll, Gamora, Adam Warlock, a Skrull, Star-Lord, and some guy hiding behind the Red King who might be Grandmaster. So if you are that guy who loves Grandmaster, this is the film for you.

Hulk (Rick D. Wasserman) – Hulk smash!
Caiera (Lisa Ann Beley) – Caiera is the super-powered bodyguard of the Red King who will eventually become the Hulk’s wife. She has “Shadow Strength”, which means she can make her skin rock hard and she’s very strong.
Miek (Sam Vincent) – Miek is an unhived native with black skin so you can tell him apart from the generic insect natives there as well who will die. A loner who finally finds friends and a hive in the battle arena. Most of his story arcs in the comics are excised here, Miek doesn’t even mutate into King mode.
Korg (Kevin Michael Richardson) – A rock guy from Thor a long time ago that shows up here in Sakaar, because, rocks gotta go somewhere! By the way, my high school team was the Rocks, though no one from my high school was sucked into a vortex in space and crashed on an alien planet where they were forced to fight as gladiators. When it happened to me I had to work at Hot Dog On a Stick instead.
Hiroim (Liam O’Brien) – A castout priest who believes in the Sakaarsan so much he’s very happy when the Hulk arrives to be the Sakaarsan. Good thing for Hiroim that this movie has a different ending from the comics. And I think they killed him off later in the comics so enough of this guy.
Elloe Kaifi (Advah Soudack) – Crazy revolutionary girl who is far to revolutionary for her own good and keeps getting the team into trouble. Simmer down, girl! The way to revolt is to do it in a way where you don’t get caught.
Red King (Mark Hildreth) – The evil king of Sakaar who is evil, though the movie only shows him doing a little evil stuff and not lots and lots of evil stuff.

Turtles Forever

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles Forever (Review)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles Forever


2009
Directed by Roy Burdine and Lloyd Goldfine

Turtles Forever is the 25th Anniversary celebration that brings together different branches of the Ninja Turtle franchise in a way that is not only a good story, but a fun reference to the past 25 years of the franchise. Both people like me, who grew up with the older cartoon in the 1980s and the more modern fans who were raised on the modern cartoon will have plenty to make them smile.

For those of you who never really watched the modern TMNT cartoon, it is a slightly more realistic take with less crazy stuff and more actual deaths. Though they still have a bunch of wacky adventures and aliens and all that fun stuff. The Turtles still have the same basic personalities but they are less over the top.

When the 80s Turtles show up, their voices are different from the classic voices (due to union issues, IIRC) but they have the same animation. There are plenty of Easter eggs – including Tokka and Rahzar in it! We also see Irma and unmutated gang members (including unmutated Bebop and Rocksteady) back in the 80s Turtles’ universe. There are lots of other references to the old show, including the 80s Turtles finding all sorts of ways to use the terrain to take out bad guys instead of directly attacking them.

This is dubbed off of a TV broadcast because I am cheap and the DVD isn’t out yet! For purposes of this review, we will refer to the 1980’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as 80s Turtles (80s Leonardo, 80s Donatello, 80s Raphael, and 80s Michelangelo) and the modern TMNTs by their regular names. 80s Shredder will be referred to as such, and Utrom Shredder is the modern version. 80s Splinter and Splinter. Any other random characters (like 80s April O’Neal) will follow the same pattern. Isn’t that easy? So let’s begin. First up is the Roll Call:

80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – We all know how this goes: Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but crude, and Michelangelo is a party dude! Raphael even breaks the fourth wall like he does from the old cartoon. The 80s Turtles are very fond of noogies.
Modern Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – The modern Turtles are a bit more low-key and realistic, fitting in with their more realistic cartoon reality. Leonardo is the leader, Donatello is still smart, Raphael is hardcore, and Michelangelo acts similar to the 80s Turtles.
Utrom Shredder – Utrom Shredder is an alien disguised at a human who was the central villain for the first three seasons. Other Shredders are an ancient Shredder, Shredder’s daughter Karai, and a digital copy of Shredder called the Cyber Shredder. Utrom Shredder is brought back by 80s Shredder and concocts a plot to destroy all turtles throughout the multiverse.
80s Shredder – Shredder was Oroku Saki and was the enemy of Splinter back when he was a human. He was played by Uncle Phil from i>Fresh Prince of Bel Air James Avery back in the day. Shredder’s plans were always defeated by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Krang – Krang is the evil brain from Dimension X. He isn’t a race of brains, just a guy removed from his body, and thus he has his own robot bodies. Both of the classic Krang bodies are here, as are such Dimension X favorites as the Technodrome. Krang spends most of the film quibbling with Shredder, and has no Modern counterpart.
Modern Splinter – Master Splinter is the rat who was Hamato Yoshi’s pet, and raised the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and trained them to fight against the Shredder.
80s Splinter – 80s Splinter isn’t a mutated rat, but is Hamato Yoshi mutated into a rat. He trained the 80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Bebop and Rocksteady – Everyone’s favorite hench-mutants return and they’re as dumb as ever! Look for the cameos of their non-mutant forms.
Hun – Hun (real name Hunter Mason) is the leader of the Purple Dragons street gang. I thought he was named Han at first and wrote the entire review with “Han” and even had Han Solo jokes, but then looked things up on Wikipedia and everything was ruined. Damn you, Wikipedia. Now I have to make jokes about Attila the Hun. That’s no fun. Hun is eventually mutated into a turtle monster that resembles Slash from the 1980s cartoon.
Classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo are all hardcore black and white ninja masters! They are also the Turtles Prime, thus the origin of all Turtle Universes!