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Sexsquatch is coming


And probably in that gross way you are thinking from the title. Yes, Sexsquatch is a real film, as you can see above, and it’s even had a theatrical premiere already, but no word yet on when it hits DVD/VOD. From the plot synopsis, you can see things are a little…riDONKulous!

Writer/director Chris Seaver’s Sexsquatch is a romantic tale of summer’s great hope. A group of friends head off for a beach house weekend. Partying, of course, is their number one priority. But there’s so much more to it. Joey Jeremiah is the one member of this group with the highest of high ambitions. He wants to be the president of show business. Trouble with that is, he’s spent so much time focusing on scripts and dreams that he’s completely neglected having ever gotten laid!!!! As any great group of friends would, his have gathered for a weekend dedicated to getting Joey some much needed action. In the midst of all the shenanigans, a storm is brewing. A storm the likes of which these unsuspecting young folks have never seen. The scenic wooded area that plays host to their good times also houses a sinister beast. He’s bloodthirsty, intelligent, eloquent, covered in hair, and horny as shit. NO, I’m not talking about Ron Jeremy. I’m talking about that vicious Beast from the East, Stinkfist: The Sexsquatch!

One by one the gang members, whose only goal was looking for kicks, become victims of the Sexsquatch’s particularly brutal style of wreckage. Bodies begin dropping at an incredible and bloody rate while the time begins running out on Joey’s sex trip. Will they stop this vile beast from killing again? Will they survive, and what will be left of them? Will there be any donuts?? All questions posed in Sexsquatch…

Chris Seaver wrote and directed for Warlock Home Video, he’s a veteran of exploitation fare and has worked on over 50 films. Rod Bollo Skin, Josh Suire, Alec Lambert, Clint Kelly, Jaime Osborne, Heather Maxon, and Varla Darling star.

Those of you who are fans of flicks about bigfoot and sasquatches and all that jazz will be already breaking out your digital payment devices to throw money at this film. Seaver is already working on a sequel. Hopefully the sequel addresses any lingering donut questions.

via Best-Horror-Movies

sexsquatch

Godzilla Marvel 14

Rise of the Terracotta Chinese Coproductions!

Latest news out of China is Bruno Wu’s Seven Stars Entertainment is teaming up with Avi Arad (of Marvel fame) to create original superhero properties for the Chinese movie market. They already have the first film planned, Rise of the Terracotta Warriors (based on the real Terracotta Army sculptures)

This isn’t Bruno Wu’s first foray into coproductions with Western groups. Seven Stars and Wu previously teamed with financier/producer Jake Eberts to make Allied Productions East in March, another company set up to create content for Eastern markets. Allied Productions East will utilize a development fund/pipeline also created by Wu and Seven Stars called Harvest Seven Stars Media Private Equity Ltd (HSSMPEG), which has $800 million ready to invest in new properties. Seven Stars is set to become an unstoppable juggernaut, and people have been comparing Bruno Wu to Rupert Murdoch for the last decade or so.

Combine this news with the massive amount of new theaters that will be built in China for the next decade, and you can see how there will be a huge huge huge market for these films. Not only that, I support there being a lot of media companies making a lot of Chinese films, because so many Chinese films are becoming bland CGI spectacles that if you increase the number tenfold, that increases the chances of actual good movies slipping through the cracks. It’s all about numbers, people!

There is no word yet on any other potential superhero properties beyond the Rise of the Terracotta Warriors, but we’ll keep you posted when they are announced.
via THR

Terracotta Warriors

We have risen to find this guy’s hands! Where are his hands??

Godzilla Marvel 14

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia ^^^^^^—-WHAT?!?!

Funny Ghost

Who named this movie? I demand ANSWERS! The firing squad is ready. It was even called A Haunting in Georgia, but got renamed. WHY????? Now I have to hate this movie without any cause. Even though it’s not the type of film I’d watch, or even pay attention to if it didn’t have the Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector title. Maybe the ghosts in The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia should go on a road trip or something. I’d watch a ghost road trip movie. Ghosts driving on the highway, having wacky adventures, ghost Tom Green eating a mouse, ghost sex tapes… I seem to be thinking of an actual Road Trip movie…

So The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia features Katee Sackhoff, some people I never heard of, ghosts, and ghosts that copy Japanese black hair ghost’s style. Get your own style, copycats!

Remember it’s “based on a true story”, much like how Kim Kardashian is based on a real human.

image via

Godzilla Marvel 14

Pacific Rim Trailer!!!!!!!!!! (Also !!!!!!!)


This seals it, I will be there. So there. So so so there. So there. Soooooo there!

!!!!!!!!!

Russian Jaeger

So there!

Ready Player Castle Wolfenstein

Wolfenstein 3D

In all the hubbub of all the video game movies that are getting greenlight again like lightning (crazy, greased, 16-bit lighting!), Castle Wolfenstein is probably the one I think has the best chance of being entertaining. Because it’s so simple. Retro-future dudes kill a bunch of Nazis. It’s so easy that it will be crazy when this gets messed up and suddenly Castle Wolfenstein is about sparkly babies or something. I really don’t trust Hollywood to do anything. But maybe we’re okay for once, as Roger Avary is attached along with Samuel Hadida. They can make okay things.

Castle Wolfenstein is familiar to gamers as Wolfenstein 3D is one of the biggest old school FPS games. It’s so old I actually played it as a kid as opposed to not having time to play it in college. Killing Nazis is one of the few guilt-free things you can do, I highly recommend it.

Even better, there is a built-in Asylum mockbuster version with Super 3D Noah’s Ark!

via Movies.com

Get this cool shirt here
Wolfenstein 3D shirt

Mohawk Saber-toothed Tiger is the real star of After Earth


After Earth‘s first trailer makes it look somewhat interesting, which is surprising all the people who think M. Night always equals terrible. M. Night only equals terrible most of the time. Get it right, people! Anyway, the Smiths crash, and Jaden has to find help for his injured dad (Legendary General Cypher Raige!) on Earth, which is now overrunned with apes with tails and saber-toothed tigers that want to eat man meat. It looks like dad is passing on the being a movie star torch to his son or something, though Jaden is still pretty young atm. At least they are doing things as a family, even if it is nepotism.

But enough of that, just remember that the saber-toothed tiger has a mohawk! That’s all I care about, this cool cat. He is the punkest cat ever! Suck on lasagna, Garfield!

After Earth Mohawk Cat