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The Starving Games hits trailer!


That exclamation point means that you better run, squirrel, because The Starving Games looks like a disaster of epic proportions! Run, don’t walk, to shelter and duck and cover until the madness has passed. One day, our children will have to live in a world where The Starving Games was released in theaters. And they will look at us and ask why. What will we say? WHAT WILL WE SAY?????

The Starving Games

Because a dodo would just confuse the target audience…

The Starving Games

This is your Katniss. Yep.

The Starving Games

A year late, but what the heck!

The Starving Games

Keep copying, maybe you’ll go all Asylum and trick people into paying for tickets!

The Starving Games

Actual footage of the target audience for The Starving Games!

The Secret of Magic Island

Break out the ketchup and mustard for Wiener Dog Nationals!


Wiener Dog Nationals just dropped on your favorite streaming service, so if you are a fan of family movies about dogs or about racing or about wiener dogs, then Wiener Dog Nationals is tailor made for you! As someone who has spent money to watch wiener dogs race, I recommend doing so (especially since this was at the track, so we alternated between horses and dachshunds racing!) While Wiener Dog Nationals is a kids movie, sometimes kids movies can be fun. So if anyone has some after-action reports on watching it, let us know!

Synopsis:

A little boy (Julian Feder) and his family adopt a runt of a dachshund from a shelter and name her “Shelly,” in honor of shelter dogs everywhere. Despite all odds, the dog surprises the boy’s father (Jason London) when it places in the state trials of the illustrious Wiener Dog Nationals Race. The family pulls all of its resources to advance to the next round only to face strong opposition from the reigning champion dog, Princess and her owner Ms. Merryweather (Morgan Fairchild). Meanwhile, Melanie (Alicia Witt), one of the racing judges, is banned from the races by the head Judge (Bryan Batt) when she tries to help the family prove that Ms. Merryweather is cheating. Relying only on the dog’s skill and her young owner’s passion for the race, little Shelly and her new family must face the challenge of advancing through the cut throat world of the nation’s greatest wiener dog race, Wienerschnitzel’s “Wiener Dog Nationals.” One Race, One Nation, One Wiener.

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Wiener Dog Nationals

Wiener Dog Nationals

The Secret of Magic Island

Scorpion King: The Lost Throne will confuse the timeline even more!

scorpion uv light

Fun fact: Scorpions glow under UV light, which is probably a byproduct of using their carapace as a sensor to determine what time to go out feeding.


The fourth Scorpion King movie is coming out soon, Scorpion King: The Lost Throne. For those keeping score, Scorpion King 4 is a sequel to a sequel to a prequel (that has a prequel) to a sequel to a remake that is getting remade. Victor Webster returns as the Scorpion King (as he was in Scorpion King 3) No real plot details yet, but usually the Scorpion King loses his kingdom so does a bunch of warrior stuff and gets a kingdom.

via MovieHole

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Grumpy Cat getting a movie, has multiple "reps"

Grumpy Cat

Grumpy Cat, the latest of a stream of increasingly deformed cats that have become famous on the internet, will soon be a movie star the likes of Garfield. Except worse, because there is no way in heck this is going to be any good except as part of an Oogieloves marathon. And, yes, Grumpy Cat will talk. This is yet another internet meme turned into film – Brother Sharp has been optioned, Sneezing Panda, and even Ultimate Dog Tease. But, hey, at least the memes about Grumpy Cat hating her own movie will write themselves, right?

Right?

This news comes from Grumpy Cat’s reps – manager Ben Lashes and rep Al Hassas. That’s right, an internet cat has multiple “people”. You can go put your head in a stove now.

via Deadline

Midnites for Maniacs DiRTY LiTTLE MUNCHKiNS Trip Report

Hey-ho! In my continuing adventures to occasionally go to the movies, I wandered over to the historic Castro Theater for a triple bill under the Midnites for Maniacs series. Now, I have been going to this series off and on for a decade now, back when it was still at the 4Star Theater and was one movie every week. I keep up with the shows now that they are at Castro, and can stop by occasionally, though not as often as I would like. Work, life, those sorts of things ruin everyone’s day!

The Midnites for Maniacs series is curated by Jesse Hawthorne Ficks, who used to be a projectionist at the 4Star and now teaches at the Academy of Arts and is a SFBay Guardian contributor

This triple bill was the DiRTY LiTTLE MUNCHKiNS marathon, and was composed of The Bad News Bears, Gummo, and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, making this one of the greatest triple features of all time. This was also my fourth time seeing The Garbage Pail Kids Movie at one of these Midnites for Maniacs events, which now makes it the film I’ve seen in the theaters the most.

This was the first time I had watched The Bad News Bears since I was a young kid of like 7. Ostensibly a film about a children’s baseball team, The Bad News Bears is a very adult film that is filled with commentary on America in the post-Vietnam post-Civil Rights era. The team is packed with a mixed assortment of rejects from other teams, combined together due to a lawsuit forcing the league to accept all players. It’s ethnically diverse and filled with stereotypes we all know and love – fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks. Tough kids, sissy kids, though no one gets chicken pox. Also a girl. The Bad News Bears casually drops filthy and racist language, and Walter Matthau is brilliant as the usually drunk coach who is in this for the paycheck at first, but then it becomes something more. The team begins to come together, becoming less of a joke and more of a threat to the established order.

This was the first time I had seen Gummo, from writer/director Harmony Korine. It doesn’t follow the traditional narrative form, instead is more of a loose collection of events and sketches that form a larger abstract story. It features a lot of real people who aren’t professional actors, and showcases a decaying underbelly of small town America, taking place in a town that was struck by a tornado years ago, which has only increased the pace of its withering away. Gummo features disturbing imagery, but is hauntingly beautiful in a weird way. It is not really a film I would recommend to most people, but if you have an appreciation of the obscure and the strange that has more going on then first appearances would suggest, you will have a feast.

And that brings us to The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. A film that deserves a giant review on this site and will hopefully get that soon (I did spring for the DVD after all!) The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is one of the greatest films of all times. It is visually unlike anything that has every existed, complete with the most ugly animatronic little person costumes and the most 80s fashion that was ever in the 1980s. Our hero Dodger can’t seem to not get beaten up by the local drug dealer gang leader, who is so big time he robs middle school kids for their lunch money. Dodger lusts after the girl Tangerine, who is dating the drug dealer and is not very nice. Dodger works at an antique shop where the owner is an eccentric world traveler, and there is a garbage pail that is knocked over, and the Garbage Pail Kids emerge to cause havoc in the city. But there is danger, because the city is carting everyone ugly way to State Home For The Ugly, where the ugly are then squashed into cubes. Luckily, the Garbage Pail Kids have the power of sewing.

Trust me, this all makes sense! And it’s awesome. And remember: You can be a Garbage Pail Kid!

Rah Rah Roni

My free Garbage Pail Kid for going to the show!

Lifetime's Anna Nicole Smith biopic airs June 29

As I’m sure all of you are eagerly awaiting, the premiere of the Lifetime Network Anna Nicole Smith movie Anna Nicole (formerly The Anna Nicole Story) will air June 29th. Then you can go back to not remembering who Anna Nicole Smith is, like everyone else in the universe. Not that’s I’m saying this is pointless, too late, derivative dreck that has been done before. I even made a joke about the 2007 Anna Nicole Smith biopic Anna Nicole the last time we wrote about this one. That film is awful, this film will maybe be less awful, but the message is:

Uh….

Let me get back to you on the message!

In other Lifetime exploitation news, the Jody Arias film Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret premieres June 22! This is exciting news for Nancy Grace fans and people who have their tv stuck on Lifetime and can’t find the remote.

Based on the disturbing murder trial that has captivated the nation, “Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret” tells the story of Jodi Arias (Tania Raymonde, “Lost”), a seductive 28-year-old aspiring photographer recently found guilty of killing her former lover Travis Alexander (Jesse Lee Soffer, “The Mob Doctor”), who was found nude in his apartment shower with a slit throat, 27 additional stab wounds and a bullet to the head. While investigating the violent killing, Mesa, Arizona, police retrieved a digital camera from Travis’ washing machine, revealing shocking images authorities claim Jodi took of their sexual escapades, as well as during and after his murder. While Jodi pled not guilty and contends she killed Travis in self-defense, police concluded that when Travis broke off his relationship with Jodi, she became a real life “Alex Forrest” (portrayed by Glenn Close) from the film “Fatal Attraction.” Jodi, they say, stalked her ex-boyfriend, who she successfully seduced one final time before murdering him and then attempted to cover her tracks. Her subsequent trial has been grand theater, dominating the cable news networks, with Jodi testifying in her own defense, offering insight into the sex, lies and obsession that led up to Travis’ murder — beguiling media and onlookers, alike.

Remember: this film was finished before she was found guilty of murder, which is the current MO for Lifetime films.

Lifetime