Be afraid! Be very afraid! These upcoming films from Amazon Studios, the movie making wing of Amazon.com, are toxic waste in movie form! And while Dr. Romano was eventually hit by a car and turned into goo, there is no escape for us. Join me on a journey into the depths of awfulness, as we explore the initial offerings from Amazon Studios and predict just how terrible they’re going to be (HINT: they will be very terrible!)
But first, what is Amazon Studios? It’s a crowdsourced movie studio where you, the public, submits your ideas and scripts and concept videos. And then you, the public, vote for the best ideas, which them move towards Amazon Studios putting actual money behind the project and turning them into films. As you can imagine from the crowdsourcing model, most of the ideas are ridiculous. There are plenty of super heroes, weird horror, and zombies running around in the proposals. An occasional actual story shows up, but not often. And many of the proposals bear a striking resemblance to actual properties from the 80s and 90s, almost as if they are wholesale ripoffs. But that could never happen…
By now you’ve probably heard the first Amazon Studios flick to reach a production deal and get a real director is Zombies vs Gladiators (or as it’s known on Amazon Studios: ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators) But did you know that was only the third most popular film proposal via the voting system? Let’s see the other 15 films fast-tracked for filming:
I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Comedy, Action and Adventure)
After receiving a series of panicked messages from a girl he’s been Facebook-stalking, but never met, a meek agoraphobe wrangles his closest internet friends and journeys into the real world to find her, but ends up involved in much more.
This is the most popular film proposal at the moment, internet stalker nerds hunting down hot girls in real life. Yep. Can you guess why they went with the zombie film?
For Sale By Superhero
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Action and Adventure, Kids and Family)
An out of work father discovers a super secret headquarters of a Dark Knight type Vigilante in the basement of his new home and decides to strap on a utility belt and use the crimefighters amazing gadgets to be the super hero his family needs.
This seems like it might be a decent kid’s film on Disney Channel, but knowing the internet they probably want this to be all gritty. And great grammatical error on your movie proposal.
Everything else is less popular than a film where gladiators fight zombies.
12 Princesses
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Comedy, Kids and Family)
A young farmboy tries to discover the secret of how 12 beautiful princesses escape each night from the imprisonment of their mad father
This is probably the most interesting of the fantasy proposals, but again it sounds like a kid’s movie.
Touching Blue
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Science Fiction and Fantasy)
A teenage girl with the power to track people by things they held – and who gets burned if people touch her – is pulled into the hunt for a serial killer who is targeting people like her.
So basically a girl from Heroes vs. Sylar.
The Alchemist Agenda
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Action and Adventure)
When nautical treasure hunters discover an unidentified U-boat, it spawns an international pursuit to unlock the mysteries buried inside.
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Ocean! Okay, it sounds like Into the Blue 3, except the goofy title makes it sound like it should be a Clive Cussler book (and the plot might just be, I’m not up on Clive Cussler fiction)
Original Soldiers
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Science Fiction and Fantasy, Action and Adventure)
When a new attack ship disables America’s all-droid army in 2035, two veterans who have stuck to the old ways must save the day one last time. This Open Writing Assignment will pay up to $75,000. The pitch submission deadline has passed.
Gun nuts save America and those sissy libs!
Origin Of A Species
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense)
An ex-cop faces the greatest obstacle of his life after his three German Shepherds are infected with rabies and terrorize a small, Midwestern community. His estranged wife feeds her sexual desire for one of her students, even as fear grips the town and the body count rises.
It’s Cujo times three from a writer who thinks getting rabies turns you into a new species.
Children of Others
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Science Fiction and Fantasy)
Skylar is thrilled to finally be pregnant— until she discovers her unborn baby is not entirely human. Pursued by a government agents, she races to discover whether the child she carries is the first wave of an alien invasion or the key to humanity’s salvation.
Is it a prequel to Village of the Damned or a prequel to The Bible? Find out in the shocking final act!
Codex
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Action and Adventure)
A graduate student of religious studies attempts to unlock the secrets encoded within the oldest manuscript of the Old Testament and finds himself on the run from a dangerous secret society looking to secure the secret for their own dark goals.
Someone call Dan Brown’s lawyer to let him know the idea he stole is getting stolen!
GIDEON’S LAW
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Action and Adventure)
A disgraced young cop is assigned a routine civilian ride-along and quickly learns that his passenger is not what he seems and he has just entered into a brutal battle with a killer who will stop at nothing to achieve his goal.
What if…in Training Day…Denzel wasn’t a cop, just crazy!
Romeo, Juliet, & Rosaline
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Comedy, Drama)
Before Romeo ever met Juliet, he was madly in love with Rosaline. This is the story of Rosaline, a brash and sexually adventurous girl before girls could be brash and sexual.
This makes sense until you realize Romeo and Juliet were like 12, then it’s creepy.
WizardsQuest: The Princess Queen
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Science Fiction and Fantasy, Comedy)
When a princess from their favorite role playing game appears in Chicago, it’s up to Ronnie, a gaming nerd in search of adventure, and his nerdy friends to rescue her and save the world.
This would have been a cool movie in 1986. Now it’s just sad.
The Detourist
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Action and Adventure, Kids and Family)
On a Hawaiian dream vacation, a down-on-his-luck dad discovers his rented van was the getaway car for a recent heist and the GPS holds the digital breadcrumbs to recovering the stolen treasure and sets out on an adventure while trying to keep his dysfunctional family happy.
I’m glad a real dad would endanger his family like this!
Blackburn Burrow
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Horror, Action and Adventure)
Just before the Civil War engulfs the South, a nameless man with a mysterious past fights to save a young girl from the supernatural horrors infesting a small Appalachian town in Northern Georgia.
This is the plot of Mutant set 100 years earlier!
Animal Heads
DEVELOPMENT SLATE
(Thriller and Suspense, Drama)
In a dead end town lives LEO, a 17-year-old pothead BMX wizard whose elder brother died under mysterious circumstances after a fight for water during a drought. Leo’s life gets disrupted when a creepy animal smuggler and suspect in his brother’s death comes back to town.
Give it a quirky indie soundtrack and a budget of $500,000 and this is coming to a Sundance near you!
Okay, a few of those were all right, but most of them were just awful sounding. But let’s see what isn’t making the grade…yet! But they are on the Consider pile, which means soon enough they’ll be gumming up your NetFlix streams…
America’s Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String
Consider
(Comedy, Action and Adventure)
Before James Bond, there was Benjamin Franklin: inventor, philanthropist, and the single largest exporter of kicking British ass. Using his array of inventions and weapons, Franklin is a one-man army thirsty for Redcoat blood, especially when he’s wrongly accused of treason.
Someone read Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and said “Oh, yeah???”
Roadtrip Sex Party
Consider
(Comedy)
For three best friends and recent college graduates, finding tickets to the Super Bowl was the easy part. Getting there is the hard part.
How can it be a cool college sex movie if they’re already out of college?
Pack Behavior
Consider
(Horror, Action and Adventure)
When a disgraced social worker with a heroin problem stumbles upon a group of homeless teens, she finds out they are actually a pack of vicious wolves who will gladly kill her to keep their pack intact.
What happens when your Vampire: The Masquerade roleplaying goes too far!
Loved Ones
Consider
(Drama)
A lonely young girl who sells Polaroids of herself through ads. An alcoholic haunted by the sins of her past. And a cynical 17-year old searching for the answer to one burning question. Together each of these women will learn what it means to truly love.
I had to post this one because of the weird line about selling Polaroids of herself through ads. Is this a period piece?
Steel Country
Consider
(Thriller and Suspense, Drama)
When a young boy turns up dead in a sleepy Western Pennsylvania town, a local sanitation truck driver stricken with Asperger syndrome plays detective, embarking on a precarious and obsessed investigation to prove the boy was murdered.
No one cares about your Aspergers.
The rest of these are just from the leaderboard, the rankings change, but if they get voted high enough by you, the Amazon Studios Public, they’ll move to Consider ranking!
X MARKS THE SPOT , Brian’s Project
A disgraced NASA scientist is hired by a mysterious woman to help find a treasure rumored to be left behind by aliens 3500 years ago.
That treasure was Noah’s Ark!
3 1/2 Minutes, Blyth’s Project
When a cop discovers his comatose son’s soul has been taken by dead serial killer, he is forced to medically kill himself for 3 1/2 Minutes at a time to chase the killer in the underworld.
If this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s part of the plot of The Frighteners!
THE GATES , Brian’s Project
Based on the published comic book series, GHOSTHUNTERS. Scientists unwittingly open a portal to the Afterlife. When one man is lost through the Gates, a rescue expedition is mounted to bring him back from the land of the dead.
Please make my comic book into a movie!
I KNOW HE’S IN THERE, Ira’s Project
A nursery school teacher gets spooked by a boy in her class into whom she believes the soul of her dead, philandering husband has been reincarnated.
Mary Kay Letourneau: The Movie!
Date of Death, tim’s Project
In the year 2029 an American scientist found a way to know the day people will die. In the year 2049 Josh decides to go on one last trip before he dies. He meets Stormie who is suppose to die, but when she doesn’t they are caught in the middle of a conspiracy.
Dude, don’t name your lead female after the stripper you like…
From 5 till Closing, Jentry’s Project
Set in the world behind the counter of a small town theater, five teenagers work a crazy closing shift; filled with secretive managers, ex-girlfriends, and unruly customers.
Clerks in a Theater!
Voting Vertigo, Xander’s Project
In 2016, a high school American History teacher can’t compete with Chronovision HD, a new channel that actually shows the past. When past ‘truth’ seems vastly revised and manipulated, the teacher’s dilemma thrusts him into our political system on unreal overdrive.
This might be cool, especially with unreal overdrive. It will be the unrealist overdrive of them all!
COMIC HEROES, Bruce’s Project
When three teenagers discover that the friendly owner of their local comic book store is creating super-villains with magic ink, the kids steal some of the ink and turn themselves into superheroes to thwart his sinister plans.
This project was removed…because it’s the plot of BIG BAD BEETLEBORGS!!!
But I’m sure you can get your Power Rangers Zombies proposal approved in no time, from Amazon.com! Submit something today!
The piles of your cash Amazon will get with all these great films!
