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Son of Ernest to reboot Ernest P. Worrell

Now, I love me a good Ernest movie. I’ve been known to get a hot cup of miak and watch commercial compilation videos. But that doesn’t mean I want another Ernest P. Worrell. I even reject those CGI Ernest commercials, and that one commercial done by the guy who wasn’t Jim Varney.

So when Son of Ernest was announced but a little bit ago, I was understandably angry. But then, why was I angry? It’s not like the Ernest movies are considered high art or anything. They’re escapist fun as we follow a good-hearted dolt and his wacky misadventures. The reason we do like the Ernest films is Jim Varney’s charisma. Now, if you get a likeable person into a roll that is respectful but not an imitation, then you have a way of bringing Ernest back without all the mess. John R. Cherry III is behind this, he co-created the character along with Varney for commercial spots and directed almost all the films. At the very least, he should keep it from getting too terrible. Maybe. Dan Ewen is set to write the script.

The correct way to do Son of Ernest is a way that follows the legacy of the father. Make Ernest Jr save something that his dad saved, like Kamp Kikakee, and through that learns about his father. And please don’t make Ernest a deadbeat dad.

One thing this has done is make me want to rewatch all the old Ernest films, which I have scattered around in various boxes. Time to go digging!

Son of Ernest

via firstshowing

Gatorshark vs Zombie Cheerleaders – Suck on this, Walking Dead!

Gatorshark vs Zombie Cheerleaders

Gatorshark vs Zombie Cheerleaders is a flick in preproduction that I heard about thanks to the wonderful news source of them following me on twitter. Their official site is a facebook page, with the synopsis

A half-shark half-alligator creature wreaks havoc at a cheerleader camp full of hot & sexy brain eating zombie cheerleaders.

And some neat artwork. There is also casting news, so Gatorshark vs Zombie Cheerleaders is actually happening and is not just one of the films that maybe one day will get around to doing a kickstarter that also follow me. Bob Madia is writing, and the announced cast so far is Tara Beaulieu from Naked News fame as Jennifer, Trisha Paytas as Kendra, Jade Bryce as Caren, and Kristen Kelly as Chantal. Aside from that, there isn’t much info until the film starts shooting at the beginning of next year, and the writer promised nudity (that would probably not make it to tv if the film was on SyFy.)

The only question to as is with Gatorshark vs Zombie Cheerleaders combining four things together, who will be the brave movie pioneer with an X vs Y vs Z movie title? That day will happen.

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Gatorshark vs Zombie Cheerleaders

I’ll kill anyone who calls me Crocoshark!

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Age of Hobbits Trailer!


Asylum’s Age of Hobbits director Joseph Lawson stopped by to personally let us now that the Age of Hobbits trailer dropped, and we couldn’t be more grateful here at TarsTarkas.NET, because this looks like it could be very interesting. Hobbits, Bai Ling, Christopher Judge, and flying komodo dragons!!!!

In an ancient age, the small, peace-loving Hobbits are enslaved by the Java Men, a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young Hobbit Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies

It comes out December 11th, and won’t be split into three movies just to add a bunch of random stuff!

Age of the Hobbits

Easily better than Eragon!

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Smiley is a film people actually made, based on 4chan memes

Hi, folks, if you’re like me, then you want your internet as far away as possible from movies. But someone doesn’t know this simple fact of life, and set out to create a dumb slasher movie jam packed with 4chan memes and serious Hollywood actors reading awful internet catchphrases. Smiley is the complete opposite of win. It’s…non-win! /b/, Pedobear, Candyman ripoff, lulz, all mixed together like a stew of Epic Fail. This thing is an abomination of awfulness.

I’ll try to track down a copy.

Smiley Movie

Invasion of the Right Wing Nuthouse movies!

Atlas Shrugged

2016: Obama’s America has made over $33 million, making it the second highest grossing political documentary of all time (behind Fahrenheit 9/11’s $119 million), and that’s making right wing nutjobs have dollar signs spring from their eyes like some sort of cartoon. So you can now expect a title wave of similar films coming to a theater near you!

2016: Obama’s America expanded from a single screen to hundreds thanks to the work of Movie To Movement‘s “theater captains”, approximately 1200 volunteers who acted as a street team, calling, emailing, and social networking conservative Christians. MJM Entertainment and distributor Rocky Mountain Pictures made sure their film was mentioned and advertised on many conservative hangouts and radio shows. In fact, they’re even still making headlines, complaining about “dirty tricks” to stop 2016 and other ridiculous conspiracy theories.

The first to cash in was Occupy Unmasked, the latest film from writer-director Stephen K. Bannon (the guy who made the pro-Sarah Palin documentary The Undefeated last year.) Occupy Unmasked features the late Andrew Breitbart and also David Horowitz, who provides 2 of the 3 Press Quotes about the film featured on the website (they are essentially the same quote, one has his name misspelled, and the other “press” is Sarah Palin!) Despite already being available on DVD and VOD, it got a release via Magnet Releasing.

Next up this Friday, October 12th, will be Atlas Shrugged: Part II. Atlas Shrugged: Part II follows in the heals of producer Harmon Kaslow’s mega-successful Atlas Shrugged Part I. Mega-successful = Mega-bomb. Part I made $1.7 million on 300 screen, expanded to around 465 screens, and saw business sharply drop off for a total take of under $5 million on a $20 million budget. The DVD release also made headlines when the cover jackets were all recalled because the package said “Ayn Rand’s timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice.” Despite the Free Market speaking, Part II continued with production, anyway.

Part I marketed heavily through astroturf Teabagger groups like Freedomworks. Part II is getting a more heavy media blitz, with radio ads attempting to tie it into the election (“Will it influence the election?” asks the ad I hear daily. No, no it won’t.) Oddly enough, none of the ads mention this is Part II of Atlas Shrugged. This is part of a $5 million media blitz to advertise the film, which is scheduled to open on 850 screens.

Hating Breitbart is a documentary about the enemies of Andrew Breitbart made by Andrew Marcus, and they’re also using Movie To Movement to promote the film. Rocky Mountain Pictures is doing the distribution, they also did 2016, Atlas Shrugged Part I, the anti-evolution movie Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, and the anti-ACLU flick Last Ounce of Courage. It was shown at the RNC convention. Hating Breitbart was also supposed to open October 12th, but the producers got into a spat with the MPAA because Breitbart uses “fuck” like a bajillion times in the film. They’ve edited it down to only four fucks, and are fighting to keep them because they’re essential to the plot or something. So fucking look out for Hating Breitbart on October 19th, fuckers!

They hype is even causing former bombs to come back to life. Runaway Slave (another Rocky Mountain Pictures distribution) bombed in theaters, but was resurrected for another 2 dozen or so theaters.

Of course, not every Right Wing Nuthouse film will be a hit. Won’t Back Down was an anti-teacher union film from Walden Media (who also released the 2010 anti-teacher union documentary Waiting for “Superman”) as propaganda for the parent-trigger option laws to create privately run charter schools (which are then immune to said laws no matter how bad they are!) Walden Media CEO Philip Anschutz is behind both films, and Won’t Back Down was gifted over $2 million in publicity via right wing groups such as the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Thankfully, the public wasn’t buying it, and Won’t Back Down became the biggest box office bomb for the first weekend of a film opening in over 2500 screens.

But with money on the line, you can be sure that there will be more Right Wing Nuthouse films coming to a theater near you, all playing to a specific audience of true believers and all designed to suck out all of their money.

Atlas Shrugged 2

I hope they keep the part where Ayn Rand died poor and on government assistance!

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You're Gonna Be in Movies Again, Charlie Brown!

Peanuts Gang

November 2015 will be when an animated Peanuts film drops on America from Fox Animation and Blue Sky Studios. Steve Martino will direct, with the script written by Craig Schulz and Bryan Schulz & Cornelius Uliano (those two as a team.) Craig Schulz and Bryan Schulz are Schulz’s son and grandson, and will also produce along with Uliano.

I love Peanuts, so I am cautiously optimistic, especially since the Schulz family is heavily involved. But I can’t leave well enough alone, so here are 5 obscure Peanuts characters that we should demand be featured in the new movie:

5, aka 555 95472 – 5 is a character introduced in 1963, whose father became frazzled over the increased use of numbers in peoples’ lives, and signaled his giving in by renaming his entire family numbers. 5 has twin sisters, 3 and 4, who appear briefly and sort of look like Peppermint Patty. Beyond his introduction, 5 was there as a major minor character through the 1970s, and then faded away in the early 80s. As far as I remember, he didn’t do anything significant after being introduced in the strip. On TV, he’s best known for his rocking dance moves:
Peanuts Dance
seen here with one of his twin sisters, either 3 or 4.

Patty – No, not Peppermint Patty, this is the OG Patty. The original Patty. the first female character in the strip. She was a background player for years but eventually faded away as she had no real personality and was overshadowed by Lucy, Sally, Peppermint Patty, Marcie, and even Violet (who also got overshadowed by Lucy!). Patty had a role in the You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown musical, but that was later changed to Sally Brown (who wasn’t born yet when the musical was written, IIRC.) Patty was the prototype strong female character, which meant she occasionally punched boys, but it took the more advanced Lucy models to threaten to knock their blocks off.
Patty Peanuts

Charlotte Braun – Originally a joke character that was an extreme female version of Charlie Brown, Charlotte Braun barely appeared in the 1950s and then vanished into the ether. No one would have remembered her until in 2000 a letter surfaced that showed a fan wrote to Charles Schulz and demanded to remove Charlotte Braun from the strip. Schulz replied, agreeing to do so, but the fan was now responsible for “the death of an innocent child”, including with the letter a drawing of Charlotte Braun literally getting “the ax”! This letter rules, is now part of the Library of Congress, and you can see it online here. Thanks to @rwmead for reminding me of that story!
Charlotte Braun

Lydia – Lydia is a girl who would occasionally bug Linus, both because she referred to him as an older man (he was a whopping two months older than her) and she constantly changed her name. I had to look up what her original name was, as all I recalled was her changing her name again and again. Lydia was probably one of the last major cast additions. It’s hard to find any pictures of her.
Lydia Peanuts

Olaf – Snoopy’s brother isn’t as famous as his brother Spike, but played a pretty major role in the strips near the end. Olaf first appeared with a bag over his body, and for the longest time the joke was he was so ugly that he was entering an ugly dog contest. he eventually proved his staying power with his sharp wit.
Olaf Snoopy

Of course, characters like Miss Othmar or Charlie Brown’s Pencil Pan were never scene, but it would be fun to mention them as well. Or else!

via Deadline