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Commercial Monster Bios

We have gone and nerded out after our last two articles on kaiju commercials, Godzilla Commercials Part 1 and Godzilla Commercials Part 2. Now we present to you the entire cast list, small bios for each monster, and fun facts you may not know. So enjoy this look into the lives of monsters from commercials, because no one else is crazy enough to pull this off!

Over-analysis and comparison of Commercial Kaiju:

BC Dairy-zilla – Destroyer of cities, except hampered by his lack of nutritional knowledge. BC Dairy-zilla is now on Boniva thanks to the help of Sally Field.
Powers – punching, speech, fire breathing.
Weakness – brittle bones due to lack of calcium
BEMBOS Kong – BEMBOS Kong is a food critic for the local newstalk station KURV, the Curve. Spends most of his time wandering the city searching for new eating pleasures.
Powers – smashes stuff good.

Weakness – gets tired after eating
BEMBOS-zilla – This relative of Godzilla likes to drink espresso and owns a fair-trade coffee collective.
Powers – Raspy voice.

Weakness – overexcited.
Charles Barkley – Charles Barkley is mysteriously gigantic! Again!
Powers – NBA skills, commercial skills, drunk driving skills.

Weakness – not a role model, late night sex hookups.
Ford Kong – Don’t mess with daddy! Ford Kong doesn’t fall for sob stories, and spends his time raising his son right. How sad is it when a commercial gorilla is a better father than the dads of many in America?
Powers – Angry Stare, emotional response, truck stamping, truck tossing
Weaknesses – The power of love, blondes.
Ford Kong Child – Likes them build Ford tough. A fan of smashing things, avoiding dinner, and trying to get away with stuff.
Powers – Truck ramming, crying attack.
Weaknesses – still only a child
Godzilla Charles Barkley Edition – Godzilla just gots to jam some time. But he isn’t very good at it. Get some game, Godzilla!
Powers – Bringing it to the court.

Weakness – Getting schooled by Charles Barkley.
Dr. Pepper Godzilla – Godzilla is mad, and he wants to quench his thirst. Godzilla is also picky, and the only thing that can satisfy him is Dr. Pepper. If this were true, wouldn’t Dr. Pepper plants be attacked more by daikaiju?
Powers – Atomic Breath, smashing stuff.
Weaknesses – Dr. Pepper, Hatred for all other beverages.
Dr. Pepper Godzilla Girl – This female Godzilla smashes into town, and can only be loved by giving her Diet Dr. Pepper.
Powers – Same as Godzilla.

Weaknesses – Handsome monsters bearing Diet Dr. Pepper.
Goody Godzilla – Is a nice Godzilla-like fellow who sends his money home to his family. Due to being a working family man, he has an uninteresting biography.
Powers – Electric flames with curve effect, powerful armor, banking skills, family loyalty.
Weakness – Most actors are unemployed constantly.
Goody Godzilla Mom – Mother of the nice Godzilla-like fellow. Lives with his wife and kids, and reads his mail.
Powers – raising a good son, helping watch over in-laws.
Weakness – if something happens to her son everyone will starve!
Honey – The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee – Cereal spokesbee and all around good person (bee). No longer slave to the Queen, Honey heads the Swarm Liberation Movement in addition to his commercial and spokesbee duties.
Powers – Knows how to solve all problems with Honey Nut Cheerios.

Weakness – If he stings you, he dies.
Hummer Robot – Giant robot with glowing eyes that hangs around the city, Hummer Robot’s life was changed forever when a giant lizard stomped into his life. Now a proud husband and father, Hummer Robot uses his skills to build freshwater wells in Third World countries, giving clean water to millions.
Powers – Lizard seduction, Lizard mating skills.
Weakness – no robot-sized condoms.
Hummer-zilla – Godzilla clone who is a girl and falls in love with a robot. Constantly after her child for not being fuel efficient enough.
Powers – Hair styling, Robot seduction, Breeding.
Weakness – says she’s on the pill when she isn’t, strange pregnancy cravings.
Pepto Max Fly – Giant fly who also does work for Habitat for Humanity when he isn’t making people homeless due to his rampages.
Powers – Flight.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max Foot Woman – The Former Mayor of Davenport, Iowa, is now 50 feet tall and dressing like an Amazon!
Powers – Giant Lady Powers.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max Giant Robot – The coolest commercial robot can blast stuff and fly, and eat things! Is the older brother of Hummer Robot.
Powers – Laser beams from eyes, flight.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max Paul Bunyan – Paul Bunyan and his giant ox Babe have recently done a 180 and now lobby governments for more logging restrictions to protect the environment, while also promoting farmed wood and pay raises for flannel seamstresses.
Powers – Stare power, ability to summon a giant blue ox.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Pepto Max-Zilla – An avid audiophile, Pepto Max-zilla enjoys collecting vinyl records.
Powers – Tree eating.

Weaknesses – Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset stomach, Diarrhea!
Taco Bell Dog – This dog. This freaking dog!
Powers – brains, speech, box, eventual bigger box.

Weakness – If you don’t look where you step he will be the next Gordita filling.
Thailand Godzilla – Thailand has more Godzillas than Japan. Figure that one out after you figure out how he got his braces fit! What was his co-pay?
Powers – Flame breath, horn power, tongue action.

Weaknesses – Runs out of fuel, humiliation, occasionally blasted into space.
Tiny Guilala – Little Guilalas who run around the city and do little except annoy. They suffer from crushing depression.
Powers – tiny roars, tiny flamespark breath, can almost dent a car

Weaknesses – less annoying than pigeons

That’s all we got for now, but there is still a bit more of March of Godzilla 4 to go!

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Godzilla Commercials Part 2

This entry chronicles commercials starring Godzilla-like creatures and other kaiju. We got some wacky-looking monsters and some just different enough to not get sued monsters both trying to get us to buy their wares. Check out Part 1 for more commercials, and stay tuned for Part 3, which will be where I totally nerd out so much it will frighten some of you.

Bembos – I had no idea what Bembos was until I saw this
not only is there a King Kong creature running through the city, but a Godzilla-ish monster shows up at the end!
Bembos is a hamburger chain somewhere in South America, and make big hamburgers. The only thing big enough to satisfy this gorilla, who grabs one and bites and bites, finally getting stuffed. Too stuffed to play with the raspy Godzilla clone at the end. That Godzilla clone has the most demonic voice I have ever heard. It is crazy. I like it!

[FLOWPLAYER=http://tarstarkas.net/movies/gc/BEMBOS.flv,320,270]

Godzilla Delicious

Godzilla Commercials Part 1


Godzilla is known for two things: destroying cities and kicking monster butt. One thing Godzilla isn’t as well known for is selling out. Yes, even Godzilla has to eat, so he’ll endorse all sorts of wacky stuff. We call him the Krusty the Clown of the giant monster world. TarsTarkas.NET begins an overview of Godzilla and other giant monster commercials because only we are so crazy (or stupid!) to do so. The current site motto might be “Obsessively stupid about stupid films” but now it is “Obsessively stupid about stupid commercials”!

The commercials range from Godzilla cameos using stock footage to independent productions with new footage of Big G. They also range from terrible to awesome, so it will be hit or miss.

Honey Nut Cheerios –
I remember this one from Saturday mornings. Using footage from Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster among others, Godzilla is rampaging again, and only the delicious taste of Honey Nut Cheerios can satisfy him and make him go back into the sea. Highlights include Godzilla yelling “Delicious!” and the iconic “bowl being tossed down the gullet” scene as Honey feeds the beast.



[FLOWPLAYER=http://tarstarkas.net/movies/gc/CheeriosGodzilla.flv,320,244]

Godzilla Island Medical Jet Jaguar

Godzilla Island Monster Bios

Anguirus Anguirus – Godzilla’s first foe and now a close friend. His only power is a spiky back but he’s brave on the battlefield. One of the usual residents on Godzilla Island who shows up to watch the action as stories progress.
Baragon Baragon – Big ears, big horn on the nose, likes to dig underground. One of the usual residents on Godzilla Island who shows up to watch the action.
Battra Battra – Evil sister of Mothra who now works for Zaguresu. I guess it’s hard to make a decent living when you are an evil monster, as there are only a few employment opportunities.
Black Mechagodzilla Black Mechagodzilla – Old School 1974 Mechagodzilla reappears with a black paint job (to help people tell them apart and sell new toys, I bet!) first as Zaguresu’s weapon, then Torema fixes it to use. Its age is shown by making it beat up and barely operating.
Destoroyah Destoroyah – He killed Godzilla and all he gets is a villain slot on a kids TV show. And beat up on said show. That will learn him! Try as I might I will never like him.
Dogora Dogora – from the film Dogora, can be killed by bee and wasp venom. Each piece of body can form into a new body. Likes to pretend he’s some evil mastermind, but attacks by throwing business cards.
Dororin Dororin – Shape changing monster given as a gift to Landes by Giant Dark Emperor, Can take other kaiju’s forms but always retains his eye colors. Made out of dirt, so if you blow him up he can just reform. He was known as Kumasogami in his one film appearance in Orochi, the Eight-Headed Dragon (aka Yamato Takeru), so of course this makes him an ideal candidate to be on Godzilla Island over kaiju such as Manda, Varan, or Minya.
Fake Godzilla Fake Godzilla – This fake Godzilla framed Big G about attacking Tokyo. But was all metal underneath. So he might have been the original Mechagodzilla (seen in the series as Black Mechagodzilla), but he got blown up too quickly to tell.
Fire Rodan Fire Rodan – Rodan transforms from Rodan to Fire Rodan, which gives him the power of Fire. Fire defeats mushroom, which is sort of like Battle Beasts except not. Fire Rodan isn’t a new toy, but is achieved entirely by glowing computer effects. Way to drop the ball on a potential new toy, especially since Fire Rodan is the Heisei version of Rodan and it would make perfect sense. But at least we have a color variation of Hedorah. Fire Rodan loses his Fire Rodan powers pretty quickly after raining hot death upon The Neo Smog Monster.
Fireman Jet Jaguar Fireman Jet Jaguar – The third form of Jet Jaguar seen on the show, this one puts out forest fires, distributes Smokey the Bear comics, and gets beat up by Megalon and Destoroyah. Only you can prevent forest fires, but only Fireman Jet Jaguar can up them out while looking so cool. That name suits him.
Gigan Gigan – Former servant of the space cockroaches, now is suddenly all about being a samurai. This was before his stupid chainsaw upgrade, thank goodness.
Godzilla Godzilla – The King of Monsters. Godzilla is pure awesome in giant fire-breathing lizard form. Everyone who comes to Godzilla Island wants a piece of Godzilla. And they all get kicked to the curb.
Godzilla Junior Godzilla Junior – Godzilla’s lamest son is here also. Looks likes some sort of lizard squirrel or something. Give me Minya! I’ll even take nephew Godzooky!
Gororin Gororin – Gororin the plant monster has sharp spines, can fire the spines as projectiles, and can detach from the ground and roll around as a ball of spiky death. Without his spikes, he’s as useless as a PG-13 rating on a Friday the 13th sequel.
Gorosaurus Gorosaurus – Old foe of King Kong who spends most of his days watching whatever happens on Godzilla Island. His special move was to do kangaroo kicks.
Hedorah Hedorah – The Smog Monster! Survivor of Volcano Dunking. Sworn enemy of Al Gore. Likes to pretend to be a meteor.
Hyper Mecha-King Ghidorah Hyper Mecha-King Ghidorah – This upgrade of Mecha-King Ghidorah is Hyper because it has Hyper-power, as explained in the show. Hyper Maser powers. Hyper has to be the most overused prefix in science fiction. Has a freezing breath attack, and quick-repair head reattachers. Both King Ghidorah and Space Godzilla must get their upgrade names from the same place, as they both have the stupid mass of prefix additions put on them. Available in a vending machine.
Jet Jaguar Jet Jaguar – Built by two bachelors in Japan, Jet Jaguar has the power to program himself to grow. Now helps defend Godzilla Island. Has several other forms that will show up as the series progresses. That name suits him.
Kamacuras Kamacuras – Kamacuras comes to Godzilla Island under false pretenses, but soon is revealed to be working for Zaguresu and the Xiliens. Because he’s always evil, in case you missed him being evil in Son of Godzilla
King Caesar King Caesar – King Caesar is King of Zen as well. He’s a Samurai Lion who will kick your behind! He is some sort of Taoist/Shinto priest or something in addition to being a giant monster.
King Ghidrah King Ghidrah – THE foe for Godzilla. No one else even comes close. On the show, regularly gets beat up despite working with the Xiliens. Was involved in the destruction of Torema’s home planet.
Mecha-King Ghidorah Mecha-King Ghidorah – Part robot, part King Ghidrah, all cop. Okay, not a cop. Needs a driver, as an entire plot line revolves around. Comes in a vending machine, like all things in Japan from comic books to used panties.
Mechagodzilla Mechagodzilla – This is the second Mechagodzilla, which was created by humans to fight Godzilla. Now stationed on Godzilla Island as one of its defenders. Usually automated, but can be piloted at times (and has been by G-Guard Commander.) Usually paired with Moguera.
Medical Jet Jaguar Medical Jet Jaguar – Jet Jaguar got his medical degree from Daikaiju University. Now he helps the sick and injured monsters on Godzilla Island. Becomes Misato’s common ride. Has a loudspeaker backpack. That name suits him!
Megalon Megalon – Drills for hands, the former guardian of Seatopia now works for Zaguresu because he hasn’t been beat up by Godzilla or Jet Jaguar enough yet.
Moguera Moguera – The Mobile Operation Godzilla Universal Expert Robot Aero-Type, or MOGUERA, was also built to fight Godzilla, and is also stationed on Godzilla Island to defend it now. In one episode we see Torema pilots Moguera, but other episodes it is unclear who is in control. Moguera can separate into Star Falcon and Land Moguera pieces in the movies, but doesn’t here.
Mothra Mothra (Larva) – Mothra, Goddess of Infant Island, and defender of Earth. Larva Mothra is part of a continual chain of Mothras that go through larva and mature forms, though this one will eventually become Mothra Leo.
Mothra Mothra Larva 2 – This Mothra Larva is the sister of Mothra Leo, her egg was hidden by Mothra when Battra attacked. Kidnapped before hatching, Mothra Larva 2 was brainwashed to be evil by Battra until brought ack to the side of good by the Mothra song.
Mothra Mothra (Moth) – The Classic Moth form of Mothra. Eventually dies, as all Mothras do, but this is the first one killed by a volcano. Her son is Mothra Leo and daughter is Mothra Larva 2.
Mothra Leo Mothra Leo – a boy Mothra who has extra powers, from the Rebirth of Mothra series. Can zap things with antenna and wing blasts. No one has a good explanation on how male Mothra Leo is supposed to continue the Mothra line. But don’t worry, as an egg magically appears anyway.
Neo Hedorah Neo Hedorah – The Smog Monster is back, in Pink and Blue form! What the smurf? This time, Neo Hedorah is all about polluting via mushrooms. Because mushrooms are smog. Or something. Al Gore never saw that one coming. Now we know that Super Mario Brothers is entirely pro-pollution propoganda to endear us to mushrooms, so they can kill us dead. I’m on to you, Mario! Neo Hedorah also teaches kids that if they are dropped into a volcano and later incinerated by Godzilla, you can still return as a crazy mushroom trip. Buy some magic mushrooms today! Possesses mushroom-growing breath and eye beams.
Proto-Moguera Proto-Moguera – This new, tiny, cuter Moguera was being used for contruction work until Zaguresu captures it and goes on a rampage. She then steals it to her ship for use in future plots. Eye blasts are powerful enough to down even Godzilla, and some monsters don’t even want to fight it.
Rodan Rodan – A prehistoric monster awakened in modern day, Rodan is a former foe of Godzilla who has learned to work with him to fight off the evil monsters. Has some hot springs named after him on Godzilla Island. Will eventually become Fire Rodan, because he did so in the Heisei movie series that was still recent, in addition to giving Bandai another toy.
Space Godzilla Space Godzilla – Godzilla…from Space! Really into crystals. Keeps trying to take over Godzilla Island, despite being blown up repeatedly. Even possesses Godzilla at one point.
Super Special Space Godzilla High Grade Type Two Super Special Space Godzilla High Grade Type Two – His name is too damn long! The second, new, improved Space Godzilla replaces the original, who was killed and later returned in ghost form only to be re-killed. This one is tougher, smarter, and appears without any special fanfare. But his parents gave him an unfortunately long name that probably took him months to learn to write in kindergarten. Smart enough to run away when his crystals are destroyed, unlike his predecessor.
Weird Godzilla Weird Godzilla – An army of these Weird Godzilla’s attacked Torema’s home planet. Torema had to blow them up with rocket launchers, which haunts her to this day. These Weird Godzillas did not have giant spines down the back and it is unknown if they had atomic breath.



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Bootleg RoundTable – Summer 2006 Blockbusters Edition

And now the first installment of Bootleg RoundTable! This time, the Bootleg Toys will be discussion the Summer Blockbusters of 2006.



Mission Impossible 3

Tom Cruise’s latest actioner opened to what was called disappointing returns – $48.025 million for opening weekend. Starring Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Keri Russell, Maggie Q, and Ving Rhames.
I’d love to have $48.025 million! I fail to see how this is entirely Cruise’s fault, when I have no interest in seeing the film for other reasons. Primarily $3.29 9/10 a gallon reasons. I can’t even fill up my Hummer with my latest paycheck! I’d ask Wal-Mart for a raise, but they’d just call INS on me.
What part of this film is when he jumps on the couch? All I see is that guy who masturbates in Happiness making wild threats and that chick from Naked Weapon. Why is Felicity playing Katie Holmes?
Am I the only one who thinks TomKat is a dumb name? Oh, and I’m not enthused about this movie. The only celebrity babies worth hearing about is Brangelina’s, and Britney’s for whatever life-endangering action she’s undertaking.
This movie totally increased my Thetan levels.