Do you want Search?
Random Post
Random Post
Search
  • Home
  • Author: Tars Tarkas
Search
Bikini Time Machine
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Time Machine (Review)

July 15, 2014By

Bikini Time Machine

aka Rewind Time Machine
Bikini Time Machine
2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)

Bikini Time Machine

I traveled through time and now my period is all messed up!


Bikini Time Machine says it all, except no one is in bikinis. But there is a time machine, and a lot of people nude and having the sex while not in their proper time periods, so it all works out in the end. Unless you are a bikini purist, in which case I’ll just have to ask you to leave.

Bikini Time Machine is smart in that it approaches time travels in an interesting format. No one physically travels through time. But their brain’s biorhythmic electrical impulses are sent to the past, which temporarily manifest themselves in physical form, so you can “interact” with the past. I put interact in quotes because thanks to a quirk in the time travel method, a side effect is time travel turns you incredibly incredibly horny, thus most visits leave only the time needed to have sex before the session ends. This is very convenient for a softcore movie! The machine is called a “Memory Experience Generator” by its inventor, Professor Wells. As all the time travelers are women until the very end, it is not mentioned if men would be similarly affected (and as that could have lead to some disturbing scenes if the film didn’t end where it did, it’s probably for the best.) The other thing related to time travel is the whole adventure is monitored by Professor Wells via a video monitor. For scientific purposes, of course!

Bikini Time Machine

You gotta get me outta here, pal! Spielberg has my whole family hostage, forcing us to make movies!


Lara Clayton (Joslyn James) – Owner of the Lost Cafe, surprise recipient of a huge lease bill or else she’ll lose the place. Her desperate attempts to fix the problem are foiled by J.B. Watergate and his son Teddy, until she gets the final laugh.
Sara (Kylee Nash) – Waitress at the Lost Cafe who gets involved in the time travel fun. Easy going and doesn’t like jerks. Bathtub enthusiast, friend of hippies.
Professor Wells (Michael Gaglio) – Professor who has invented time travel via projecting your brainwaves into the past in solid form. Hires young ladies to do just that, while he observes their adventures. Is fired for his radical research, but that doesn’t stop him. Obviously named after H.G. Wells, writer of The Time Machine
Teddy Watergate (TJ Cummings) – Spoiled son of J.B. Watergate, hired by his dad to foil Lara’s attempts to pay off her lease. Feels a little bit guilty, but not guilty enough.
J.B. Watergate (Ted Newsom) – Ruthless businessman owner of a chain of nudie bars and property all around LA. Wants to put in even more nudie bars, especially one where the Lost Cafe is.
Purvis (Trish Cook) – J.B. Watergate’s assistant who helps him deliver his lease announcement against the Lost Cafe and warns him that they might still come up with the money.
Kandy (Jenna Presley) – Student of Professor Wells who is time traveled to the castle, and has sex with the Princess. Which means she has one up on that chump Mario!
Dean Potter (Sal V. Miers) – Professor Well’s furious boss who enjoys firing people in ways that probably violate school policy.
Ken (Tony Marino) – Oh, that guy.
Hippy (Nick Manning) – Just a far out guy who scoped a groovy chick who appeared in his bedroom one fine day. After freeing their love, the choice chick peaced out and our hero is left to wonder if he was wigging out.
Princess (Sarah Vandella) – Just your normal 1780s princess sitting around waiting to have lesbian sex with time travelers.
Marcia the Masseuse (Tasha Reign) – Teddy’s masseuse is more than masseuse.
Bikini Time Machine

Adjusting the space heater has never been more fun!

Earthfall
InMovie News

CineTelFilms turns disaster porn into a disaster gangbang!

July 14, 2014By

CineTelFilms has some interesting upcoming disaster flicks on the way. If that name is familiar, they are the production company behind the amusingly titled films Independence Daysaster and Earthtastrophe. Well, the combined disaster titles are a reoccurring theme of their forthcoming slate, as problem after problem is mixed and matched like a drunken crazy quilt until the movies below pop out, all due soon in 2014 or 2015! Never fear, even if many of these films are just posters and titles and vague synopsis (or less!), TarsTarkas.NET is there to lay it all on the line for YOU to be informed!

So what are you waiting for? Read on!

LA Apocalypse
Cast: Gina Holden, Eric Allan Kramer, Christopher Judge
Director: Michael J. Sarna

For 5 billion years the Earth’s core has operated like a giant, nuclear reactor. Now it’s overheated, melting down like a bomb that’s about to explode. The earth is being ripped apart at the seams and beneath LA, pressure is building.

After a mass evacuation, Calvin Crawford is one of few left, desperately searching for his fiance, Ashley Pace, who unbeknownst to him, has been kidnapped and is being held hostage. With LA becoming more unstable by the minute, Calvin, must find a way to save Ashley and get them both to safety before the city is completely annihilated.

LA Apocalypse

Fire Twister
Cast: Casper Van Dien, Alyvia Alyn Lind, Jon Mack
Director: George Erschbamer
IMDB link
No synopsis
Fire Twister

Earthfall
Director: Steven Daniels
Writer: Colin Reese
Starring: Lou Ferrigno Jr., Joe Lando, Michelle Stafford
The gravity of a rogue planet screaming past Jupiter has flung the Earth from its orbit…
IMDB link
Earthfall

Stormageddon

What happens when you ask the most powerful computer program, run by the most powerful computers, to follow, listen, and predict human behavior for three decades?… The program learns, becomes sentient and begins to think like a human! Now this omnipotent and omnipresent program will bring the world to Armageddon…and the clock is already ticking…

stormageddon

Icetastrophe

“This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth, in the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a “White Christmas” will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE”.

icetastrophe

Guilty at 17 Lifetime
InMovie News

Guilty at 17 proves 17 is the most dangerous age to be on Lifetime!

July 13, 2014By

Guilty at 17 Lifetime

I was guilty at 16 because I’m an early bloomer!


Lifetime is back in the teen torturing business with the latest entry in the “at 17” canon, Guilty at 17! You will be thrilled to see how Traci’s life goes completely crazy once she’s convinced to lie about a teacher at school. Yes, she’s guilty of perjury! And also of feeling guilty. That’s the deepest cut of them all…

Christine Conradt has written an extensive number of Lifetime films, including all these examples of bad things that happen at age 17: Dead at 17, Accused at 17, Betrayed at 17, Stalked at 17, and Missing at 17. Basically, in the Lifetime Universe, age 17 is the worst year ever! Conradt also wrote The Mentor and The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. She’s Lifetime’s secret weapon of awesome!

This time she’s joined by David DeCrane and Douglas Howell. DeCrane is a producer who has cowritten several of the Lifetime flicks he works on, and Howell is a PA/producer who also dabbles in cowritting. Director Anthony Lefresne helmed The Mentor, Another Man’s Wife, and was assistant director on a huge chunk of Lifetime’s recent movies.

When 17-year-old Traci is lured into claiming she saw her high school teacher, Mr. Adams, sexually harass another student, Devon, she believes she’s doing the right thing. According to Devon, whenever they are alone Mr. Adams has been sexually inappropriate. When the scandal breaks and Adams is fired, Traci is horrified to find out that, two days later, the distraught man has committed suicide. On top of it, Traci’s father suffers a heart attack and she is still dealing with the loss of her track scholarship after tearing her knee. Incredibly distraught, Traci opens up to June, a new substitute teacher at the school that she has started to befriend. She doesn’t know that June is actually Adams’ daughter who got a job at the school so she could find out what really happened between her father and Devon. Seeing Traci is about to cave, June presses the girl to tell her the truth. Fearing she may soon be exposed, Devon and her boyfriend Jay decide to take matters in their own hands to prevent Traci’s confession…

Guilty at 17 stars Erin Sanders as Traci, Chloe Rose as Devon, Alex Paxton-Beesley as June, Catherine Dent, Michael Woods, Rod Stewart, Kevin Bundy, Jefferson Brown, Zach Peladeau, and Vanessa Morgan.

Guilty at 17 premieres Saturday, July 20th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

RiffTrax Live Sharknado
InRiffTrax

Sharknado – RiffTrax Live Trip Report!

July 11, 2014By

RiffTrax Live Sharknado

RiffTrax drove their silicone-sealed SUV through a river of sharks to get to the theaters for another RiffTrax Live event, covering that infamous SyFy spectacular, Sharknado! So of course TarsTarkas.NET is there, because wherever sharknadoes go, we will follow.

As you may recall, we were not 100% on board with Sharknado, as the fun doesn’t really start until the last third of the film. Sharknado works soooo much better with a live audience, especially when the sharknadoes finally show up and things become insane! I only wish I could see more SyFy features in theaters. Ghost Shark, Bigfoot, Boa vs Python, there is enough that they could do one a year and never run out until the planet is overrun by those damn dirty apes!

It’s not a RiffTrax Live without a barrel of shorts, so we got a returning favorite, the bizarre short A Case of Spring Fever, featuring Coily the Spring Sprite. You might recall this short showing up on MST3K, specifically episode 1012 – Squirm. Well, now there is a whole new set of riffs for it, and you can recoil(ha!) in horror from the demonic spring entity and his blabbermouth human slave. It’s enough to make you want to kill all springs.

After a brief preview of the Godzilla RiffTrax (including bonus technical glitches!), it was time for the main event – Sharknado! The 90210 jokes flew with the flurry of…a sharknado! As Sharknado is a ridiculous film, complete with stock footage, editing gaffs, and fun low-budget cinema features like inconsistent weather, there was plenty to riff about.

Tara Reid was a particular target thanks to her personal life painting a giant bullseye on herself. The CGI effects were another focus, the big screen making some of the dodgier effects stand out even more. The New Zealand guy lead to a slew of jokes done in a goofy accent that were hilarious as well. And we can’t forget all the slams against Transformers 4! There were some fun callbacks, including for Norman and for More Dangerous than Dynamite.

As mentioned, things really got going in the last third of the film, when the son appears and the effects and plot go to hyperspeed cornball. Flying a helicopter into sharknadoes to throw bombs at them to blow up the sharknadoes, while sharks rain down below and get shot from the sky or chainsawed into pieces. It is a fun time, and a riff filled time.

Overall, this is probably one of the best RiffTrax Live events, I’d rate it almost as good as Jack the Giant Killer and Manos. The only drawback was the slower start. Godzilla is up next, that will be awesome, followed by Anaconda and Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. Cinematic horrors all, but with RiffTrax on our side, we can do anything!
Sharknado RiffTrax

Boxer from Shantung 馬永貞
InBad, Movie Reviews

Boxer from Shantung (Review)

July 10, 2014By

Boxer from Shantung

aka 馬永貞 aka Ma Yong Zhen aka Ma Wing Jing aka Killer from Shantung
Boxer from Shantung 馬永貞
1972
Written by Chang Cheh and Ni Kuang
Directed by Chang Cheh and Pao Hsueh-Li
Boxer from Shantung 馬永貞
The rise of a gangster from nothing to boss who goes down in a violent orgy of death is one of those classic tales that gets told a lot in cinema. Boxer of Shantung is no exception on delivering the basic story. What Boxer of Shantung does do, is deliver the story in an entertaining fashion that makes you cheer for the hero, even as the trappings of power cause him to abandon some of his principals.

Boxer of Shantung is Chen Kuan-Tai’s first lead role, and he brings such an energy of pride to his laborer character Ma Yung Chen that you know he is going places. As a penniless worker, he argues against the innkeeper treating his fellow poors like second-class citizens. He refuses to do a demeaning job for insulting carriage drivers, nor does he accept charity from a fellow immigrant from Shantung who has gone on to do well. He decrees that he is going to be just as successful as him one day, and soon he gets a little territory, then goes punching his way for more. During his rise, Ma remembers his poor roots and chastises his men for shaking them down for money, choosing instead to target richer districts.
Boxer from Shantung 馬永貞
The trappings of power are dangerous, and when you play the game of thrones, you play for keeps, even if the game is being a local boss in olden China. Each move leads Ma Yung Chen increasingly in conflict with the Axe Gang, their champions and boss at first seeing him as a distraction to their main rival, Boss Tan Si (David Chiang Da-Wei), but eventually focusing on Ma Yung Chen with their entire gang army.

The action starts slow in Boxer from Shantung, but builds and build until the end, where Ma Yung Chen is battling the entire Axe Gang by himself. This slow burn action may have fallen out of favor in our ADD/hyperediting modern reality, but it still works for me. The fight scenes are worth waiting for, Chen Kuan-Tai is a powerful force, and the choreography incorporates all the random objects around the landscape into the melees. With each bump into the Axe Gang, Ma Yung Chen battles both more dangerous members and just plain more and more members of the Axe Gang.
Boxer from Shantung 馬永貞

Expecting Amish
InMovie News

Expecting Amish – Lifetime knocks up an Amish teen!

July 10, 2014By

Expecting Amish

And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone


How can we make the average pregnant teen drama movie more drama-lama? Let’s make her Amish! They say there are no bad ideas in a brainstorm, and someone believed that statement, thus they listened to the idea in the last sentence to bring us Expecting Amish!

We all know Rumspringa because of that movie Devil’s Playground, but now you can experience it like never before, in Lifetime Channel form!

18-year-old Hannah Yoder is ready to become an Amish adult – which means baptism into the Church, and marriage to her boyfriend Samuel. But her friends convince her to go on Rumspringa in Hollywood where she wears jeans and makeup for the first time and begins to think for herself, making her own decisions. She meets Josh, a DJ, and the two click instantly becoming inseparable. On their last night together, Hannah confides that she doesn’t want to be baptized and wants to stay in LA – but she has to go home to tell her family. When she returns to Amish country, Hannah learns she is pregnant and must make the painful choice of staying with Samuel and raising the baby as his, or return to Josh and risk being shunned forever!

The main cast are a bunch of Disney alums with actor/musician credits: AJ Michalka, Jesse McCartney, and Alyson Stoner. I don’t know if they’ll sing. There are also costars Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Cayden Boyd, Carrie Wampler, and Aurelia Scheppers. I don’t know if they’ll sing, either.

Expecting Amish is directed by cult movie director Richard Gabai, who directed Assault of the Party Nerds, Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective, Vice Girls, and Kickboxing Academy, among other flicks I’ve seen thanks to the wonders of 90s video stores.

Expecting Amish premieres Saturday, July 19th on Lifetime! Until then, you’ll just have to wonder if there will be any hot bare ankle action! Prepare your horse and buggy for a wild ride!

via Lifetime

Older 
7778798081
 Newer