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Godzilla Garden Gnome kaiju
InMisc News

Kaiju Garden Gnome Slayer!

September 21, 2014By

Who knew gardening could be this monstrous! If you’ve ever wanted to have Godzilla trash a bunch of garden gnomes in statue form, this already exists and you can get it on Amazon! It’s called the Big Mouth Toys The Great Garden Gnome Massacre. But don’t take my word for it, look on!

The Great Garden Gnome Massacre terrifying T-Rex is a defender of humanity with a taste for gnomes. Harness the power of this mighty beast in your home, garden or office. 9-inches tall; 5-inches wide at base. Made of durable cast poly resin.

Godzilla Garden Gnome kaiju

Sure, gardening season is pretty much over in most places, but the fun of a dinosaur in the lawn is year round! Unless it gets buried in snow… Mostly year round! Anyway, I just found it, so I might as well post it, because, that’s how we roll here at TarsTarkas.NET. I like weirdo garden gnomes, and plan on having enough that my less-fun neighbors will get upset. Best to identify those people early, I say!

Presumed Dead in Paradise
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Presumed Dead in Paradise (Review)

September 21, 2014By

Presumed Dead in Paradise

Presumed Dead in Paradise
2014
Story by Douglas Shaffer
Written by Steven Palmer Peterson
Directed by Mary Lambert
Presumed Dead in Paradise
Lifetime takes a riff on the Natalee Holloway case and turns it into a conspiracy thriller where the victim is presumed murdered but lives, potentially foiling a plan to seize millions in a trust fund in her name. Presumed Dead in Paradise becomes its own beast, delivering an okay film that succeeds mostly thanks to the performances. Some of the plot details are telegraphed in advance, but the level of planning that went into the master plan of the villain are remarkable, and shows the writers thought things through to keep the villain afloat even as multiple things start going wrong.

Madison Ashland (Malese Jow) is one of those rich kids who gets sent to a new school or three every year because she’s disruptive. No wonder, as her mom died long ago, and her dad then died, leaving her with an evil step-mom who ignores her and leaves her alone at the schools for the holidays. Madison acts out, angry at life and having a generic rich girl name, helping other students steal tests via Mission Impossible-style stunts.
Presumed Dead in Paradise
Surprises of surprises when her stepmother Patricia Ashland (Olivia d’Abo) shows up to reconnect, and to do so by vacationing on the island of St. Isabelle, where Madison and her father used to take trips when she was younger. Things seem to be going great, but a happy vacation does not an interesting Lifetime movie make. Soon Madison is saved from creepy guys by nice guy Blake. But Blake turns out to be not so nice, drugging her and then taking her out to sea under the guise of teaching her surfing. Soon she collapses into the ocean, and awakens on an abandoned beach. Making her way to the hotel, she soon sees Patricia and Blake making out, and overhearing how they planned her death! But they spot her, and Madison runs.
Presumed Dead in Paradise

Aaliyah Lifetime Alexandra Shipp
InMovie News

Lifetime’s Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B drops images!

September 18, 2014By

Aaliyah Lifetime Alexandra Shipp

Lifetime has released some promoshots for their original film Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B. This is the controversial biopic about an African-American singer on Lifetime– Okay, I should be more specific. This is one of the controversial biopics about an African-American singers on Lifetime, and has gone through some cast changes and controversies. You might recall that Zendaya was originally cast, and then the internet had a collective fit because she was too light-skinned to be Aaliyah, including people who though Zendaya was Asian or something. So she bailed (for “creative” reasons, not because of the huge backlash! 😉 ) and was replaced by Alexandra Shipp. Who actually looks more like Aaliyah, though I’ve not heard her sing, unlike Zendaya.

The controversy is the family is none too happy and, including threatening to sue if any of Aaliyah’s songs are used. If they even have the rights to do that, I do not know, but I’m sure the lawyers went all over everything and there will be a lawsuit regardless. They will go over her underage marriage to pedophile pee-enthusiast R. Kelly, which is just exploitative enough by itself to make this worth watching. If Lifetime goes for broke and goes crazy, this this will rule. If they sit on the fence and stay in boring town, it will be a waste of time for everyone. I’m hoping for crazy, do not disappoint me, Lifetime!

Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B stars Alexandra Shipp, Rachael Crawford, Sterling Jarvis, A.J. Saudin, Lyriq Ben, Anthony Grant, Izaak Smith, Elise Neal, Chattrisse Dolabaille

Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B premieres November 15 on Lifetime!

Lifetime’s Original Movie, “Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B,” starring Alexandra Shipp (“House of Anubis”) as the beloved actress and music sensation, is set to premiere Saturday, November 15, at 8pm ET/PT. The two-hour movie event is executive produced by Howard Braunstein, Debra Martin Chase and Wendy Williams, and based on the bestseller “Aaliyah: More Than a Woman” by former Time Magazine music editor Christopher John Farley (Game World).

Before BeyoncĂ© and before Rihanna, self-proclaimed “street but sweet” Aaliyah was poised to become a global icon with top-selling albums, a hot movie career and an adoring fan base. The film follows the beautiful and talented performer’s inspirational journey, from her debut on “Star Search” at the age of ten to the challenges she faced during her rise to become the Princess of R&B. On August 25, 2001, at the height of her popularity, her life was tragically cut short when a plane carrying the singer and some of her video crew crashed after takeoff from a Bahamian runway. Although just 22-years-old at the time of her death, Aaliyah continues to lead a legacy as Billboard’s tenth most famous R&B artist of the past 25 years and one of the recording industry’s most successful artists in history.

Multi-talented actress and singer/songwriter Alexandra Shipp starred as KT Rush in the Nickelodeon series “House of Anubis.” Additional credits include the upcoming film “Drumline 2: A New Beat,” “ Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel,” “Ray Donovan,” “Victorious,” “Switched at Birth” and “Awkward.” Shipp is currently filming Universal Pictures’ “Straight Outta Compton.”

“Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B” also stars Rachael Crawford (“The Man”) and Sterling Jarvis (“The Sentinel”) as Aaliyah’s parents Diane and Mike Haughton; A.J. Saudin (“Degrassi,” “The Next Generation”) as Aaliyah’s brother Rashad Haughton; and Lyriq Bent (“Saw IV”) as her uncle and music manager Barry Hankerson. The film also stars Anthony Grant as Damon Dash, Izaak Smith (“Mirror, Mirror”) as Timbaland, Elise Neal (“The Soul Man”) as Gladys Knight and Chattrisse Dolabaille (“Home Away”) as Missy Elliot. “Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B” is produced by Aaliyah Productions, Inc. Howard Braunstein (“The Informant!”) Debra Martin Chase (“The Princess Diaries,” “Sparkle”) and Wendy Williams (“Wendy Williams Show”) serve as executive producers. Steve Solomos serves as producer. Bradley Walsh (“Turn the Beat Around”) directs from a script written by Michael Elliot (“Brown Sugar”).

via Lifteime

Grumpy Cat Lifetime Christmas
InMovie News

Aubrey Plaza is voicing Grumpy Cat on Lifetime

September 18, 2014By

Grumpy Cat Lifetime Christmas

Please free me from my exploitative owner!


What will undoubtedly be the worst cat-themed Christmas movie of the season now has an official celebrity voice for said cat, in that Lifetime’s Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever has signed on internet meme movie veteran Aubrey Plaza as the voice of Grumpy Cat. Perhaps she’s planning to get her Bill Murray on and get the talking cat film out of the way as soon as possible!

The cable network said the movie, which (vp original movies Arturo) Interian describes as “a little Home Alone and a little Die Hard,” would also feature cameos from other famous Internet memes.

No word still on which deformed internet cats being exploited by their owners for financial gain will also costar. Nor what obnoxious internet personalities will appear. Basically, this movie will turn the audience grumpy and just become hot garbage. But I strive to be objective until it airs, then I can hate it all I want!

Shockingly, Aubrey Plaza wasn’t the first choice for Grumpy Cat. Originally they wanted Jane Lynch for the role, and she was going to do it, but now they’re blaming her winning an Emmy for her turning it down. Sure. Whatever. Or maybe she didn’t need to collect a modest paycheck thanks to all that Glee bank and she was never really attached.

It’s not a wonderful life for Grumpy Cat, the Internet meme sensation with nearly six million Facebook friends! The infamous kitty, with the naturally, but endearing sad looking facial expression, will star in her very own live-action Christmas movie, “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever,” premiering November 29 at 8/7c.

In “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever,” Grumpy Cat is a lonely cat living in a mall pet shop. Because she always gets passed over and never gets chosen by customers, this kitty develops a sour outlook on life until
one day during the holidays, a very special 12-year-old girl named Chyrstal enters the pet store and falls in love with Grumpy Cat. A unique friendship is formed between the two when Chyrstal finds she is the only person who can hear this unique feline talk. In the middle of the holiday rush, Grumpy reluctantly thwarts the kidnapping of an expensive exotic dog she can’t stand and rescues Chyrstal after the mall closes on Christmas Eve. Will Grumpy Cat learn the true meaning of Christmas, or will it be in Grumpy’s words, “Worst. Christmas. Ever?”

In the last year and a half, Grumpy Cat, whose real name is Tardar Sauce, has arguably become the most famous cat of all time. The adorable Internet celebrity was named the most influential cat by MSNBC, most important cat by Mashable and Buzzfeed, and has appeared in news and television shows around the world. She is the author of A Grumpy Book, currently in print in 14 languages, and has a second book coming out this August. Grumpy Cat has numerous merchandising deals and is Friskies official ‘Spokescat.’

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever airs November 29 on Lifetime.

Ice Breakers Mints
InMovie News

Asylum’s Age of Ice brings a dangerous cool to the desert!

September 17, 2014By
Ice Breakers Mints

Who needs a photo having to do with the movie when you have one from a mints commercial?

Asylum continues their 2014 global DTV domination game with another disaster flick with “Age of” in the title – Age of Ice! Yes, this ice, ice, baby has gone to the Middle East, and soon the whole region is in freezing danger. That’s called irony, since it’s currently a hot desert. But, hey, Egyptian stuff looks cool getting destroyed by ice and snow, so that’s what’s going to happen. There are far dumber Hollywood films now playing at your local movie theater!

Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures that will be unsurvivable by nightfall. Attempting to reach safety, a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age, covering the Sphinx, Pyramids, and Sahara Desert with mountains of snow.

Age of Ice is written and directed by Emile Edwin Smith, who has done effects work on a TON of movies and tv as well as directing Asylum’s Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark! Age of Ice stars Jules Hartley, Barton Bund, and Bailey Spry. Look for it in December 2014!

via Asylum

Nine Lives of Christmas Hallmark Channel
InMovie News

Hallmark Channel brings an angel-packed 12 new movies Christmas

September 17, 2014By

A Cookie Cutter Christmas Hallmark Channel

Does Lifetime bribe you with cookies? I think not!


Christmas comes earlier each year, where soon Christmas will be year round and we will have a cure for overpopulation as millions kill themselves after the 5000th replay of Baby, It’s Cold Outside. On that note, Hallmark Channel has announced their two month long Christmas movie extravaganza! In September! Which sort of makes sense, because the first movie is on November 1st. Normally these cable channels are pretty bad at doing publicity for the film events on their station, so when a big press release gets dumped on their site as a news story, it’s my duty to copy it here (with commentary!), and then bring up each film again as their premiere dates get closer. It’s also a big reveal which one of the 12 movies Hallmark is pushing the most, because one film already has its own section on HallmarkChannel.com! Can you predict which one it is based on the 12 movie descriptions? You just might be surprised!

One Starry Christmas
Saturday, November 1, 8/7c
Starring: Sarah Carter, Damon Runyan, George Canyon, Paul Popowhich

An aspiring astronomy professor finds unexpected Christmas romance when she meets a charming cowboy during her holiday travel. As she decides between this new cowboy and her practical boyfriend, she must decide whether it’s better to play it safe in love, or let an adventurous cowboy steal her heart.

Wait, is this the plot of Back to the Future III? Will that cowboy have a secret weather experiment somewhere? Sadly, no. But it does have white people in love!

The Nine Lives of Christmas
Saturday, November 8, 8/7c
Starring: Brandon Routh, Kimberley Sustad, Stephanie Bennett, Chelsea Hobbs, Sean Tyson, Dalias Blake, Gregory Harrison

With Christmas approaching, a handsome fireman afraid of commitment adopts a stray cat and meets a beautiful veterinary student who challenges his decision to remain a confirmed bachelor.

I’m not sure what the cat has to do with the plot, except for the fact it made me care about the film. And will be a guaranteed better Christmas cat movie than The Grumpy Cat movie. Superman is a firefighter and has a cat, and loves a vet lady, this will be ratings gold. It’s also unofficial Garfield fan fiction!

Nine Lives of Christmas Hallmark Channel

I Hallmark Mondays!


A Cookie Cutter Christmas
Sunday, November 9, 8/7c
Starring: Erin Krakow, Alan Thicke, David Haydn-Jones, Miranda Frigon, Laura Soltis, Genae Marie Charpentier

Two longtime rivals and elementary school teachers duke it out during the holidays in a Christmas cookie bake-off, but their real feud ignites over a shared interest in a handsome single dad. With both determined to win the prize and the romance, their competitiveness could jeopardize what matters most this Christmas season.

This sounds like an episode of a sitcom, but could make a funny romance film. Or at least make me want to get cookies!

Northpole
Saturday, November 15, 8/7c
Starring: Tiffani Thiessen, Josh Hopkins, Bailee Madison, Max Charles, Candice Glover, Robert Wagner, Jill St. John

Northpole, the magical city where Santa and his elves live and work is in trouble. Families around the globe have gotten too busy to enjoy the season together, and Northpole depends on their holiday happiness to keep running. In the hopes of turning things around, a determined young elf befriends a little boy with a lot of spirit. His skeptical journalist mom doesn’t have room in her heart for anything but the facts, so it’s going to take a little nudge from his charming teacher to create an unbeatable Christmas team to turn around this town and share the importance of the season with the whole world.

People are too burnt out about Christmas to enjoy Christmas, brought to you by a two-month long Christmas movie marathon advertised in September??

Angels and Ornaments
Sunday, November 16, 8/7c
Starring: Jessalyn Gilsig, Sergio Di Zio, Graham Abbey, Samantha Espie, Roger Doche

Corrine’s holiday season gets an unexpected dose of romance when she meets the mysterious Harold, who is on a deadline from a higher power to help Corrine find her true love by Christmas Eve. As the clock ticks down to Harold’s deadline, Corrine must decide if she will open up to Christmas love.

It’s not Christmas unless someone is doing a riff on It’s a Wonderful Life. In fact, there are THREE films on this list that involve angels finding love for people on Christmas. That almost makes up for there being no version of A Christmas Carol. Almost.

A Royal Christmas
Saturday, November 22, 8/7c
Starring: Lacey Chabert, Jane Seymour, Stephen Hagan, Katherine Flynn

A young working girl with a blue-collar background is surprised when her new fiancĂ© announces he is actually a prince of a small sovereign country in Europe. After the couple quickly takes off to spend the holidays at his family’s sprawling, royal castle, she must work hard to win over her disapproving and unaccepting future mother-in-law—the Queen—and find out if love truly can conquer all.

Congrats! You’re now a princess and the media will hound you until they kill you, and the monarchy is an obsolete and ridiculous system in the 21st century. I think I’ll pass this one, even with Jane Seymour as the disapproving Queen.
 
The Christmas Shepherd
Sunday, November 23, 8/7c
Starring: Teri Polo, Martin Cummins, Jordyn Olson, Jill Teed

A successful children’s book author and Army widow loses her late husband’s German Shepherd, Buddy, only to later find him adopted by a new family – a single father and his daughter. Each finds a sense of Christmas spirit as they struggle to decide with whom the dog really belongs.

Yeah, yeah, they’re gonna get married. But there’s a dog, and maybe funny dog antics. And possibly scenes where Teri Polo and Martin Cummins hate each other before they love each other. But I’m mostly here for the dog.

Debbie Macomber’s Mr. Miracle
Saturday, November 29, 8/7c
Starring: Rob Morrow, Michelle Harrison, Britt Irvin, Sarah-Jane Redmond, Andrew Francis

Heavenly angel Harry Mills is sent to Earth on a trial assignment to intervene in the life of a woman who needs help getting her life on track after the death of her father. With a deadline of Christmas day, he attempts to help her heal in order to embrace a new future, and an unexpected love, just in time to celebrate the miracle of the holiday season.  

Debbie Macomber is Hallmark’s golden goose, their films based on her romance novels score record ratings, and their first ever original series is based on her work. So it is only natural there is one of her stories in this huge batch of films, even if it is yet another angel romance Christmas film.

Christmas Under Wraps
Sunday, November 30, 8/7c
Starring: Candace Cameron Bure

When a driven doctor doesn’t get the prestigious position she planned for, she unexpectedly finds herself moving to a remote Alaskan town. While she meets the locals and even starts a new romance, she has to learn to let the life she planned for give way to a love she never could have imagined, and finds this festive small town is hiding one big holiday secret.

Gender-swapped Christmas Northern Exposure???

Christmas at Cartwrights
Saturday, December 6, 8/7c
Starring: Alicia Witt, Wallace Shawn

With Christmas approaching, a struggling single mom finds herself working as a department store Santa Claus, as a real-life angel delivers good fortune and the possibility of holiday romance.

So many angels will be getting their wings thanks to Hallmark Channel, that the resulting trillions of bells ringing will crack the Earth open and cause a mass calamity! I’m guessing Wallace Shawn is the angel, though it’d be hilarious if he was the love interest.

Best Christmas Party Ever
Saturday, December 13, 8/7c
Starring: Torrey DeVitto, Steve Lund, Linda Thorson and Harmon Walsh

With the holidays approaching, a young party planner arranges a special Christmas party for a New York toy store. When a powerful corporation threatens to shut her down, she decides to follow her heart, moving forward with the party plans and finding true love in time for Christmas.

Why is a powerful corporation picking on a poor party planner? I don’t know, but this will be the best Christmas party ever if it is the party that starts the revolution that puts the capitalist pigs against the walls! ÂĄViva la RevoluciĂłn!

The Christmas Parade
Sunday, December 14, 8/7c
Starring: AnnaLynne McCord, Jefferson Brown, Drew Scott

A popular network morning host finds herself humiliated on the air by her fiancĂ© and disappears to a small town. While there, she helps a budding artist save a community art center for the town’s kids, by helping them with their float for the annual Christmas Parade. 

Wait a minute, one of the Property Brothers is in this? I didn’t even know they had careers in made for tv movies! But is he the new love or the jerk ex-boyfriend? And will he get run over by a parade float? That would be a Christmas miracle!

Did you guess which one of these film Hallmark is already pushing with extra promotion? If you said Northpole, you are correct, though I have no idea why that one is getting the bump. I’m definitely most interested in The Nine Lives of Christmas, but I’ll give all these films their dues as their air dates approach and their trailers and promotional images begin to appear.

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