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Northpole Hallmark

Northpole dashes onto Hallmark!

Northpole Hallmark

Let’s begin trying to pull this sleigh with a succession of farm animals. Beginning with a gorilla!


Hey, I promised I’d start writing about the Hallmark Christmas films once they start popping up with their own entries, and I keep my promises that I’m not too lazy to not keep! Thus, Northpole gets it’s own entry as that is the one Hallmark is promoting the most right now. I’m guessing because they think it will have the best cross-demographics success, and they may be correct.

Santa (Robert Wagner) and Mrs. Claus’s (Jill St. John) magical home, Northpole, has grown into a huge city powered by the magic of holiday happiness around the world. Yet the city is in trouble, as people everywhere are too busy to enjoy festive time together. One of these stressed-out souls is Chelsea (Tiffani Thiessen), a single mom who is trying to get noticed at her new reporting job while helping her ten-year-old son Kevin (Max Charles) adjust to a new school. When he starts talking about real elves and actual sleigh rides, she worries that his imagination has gotten out of control. With a little added help from Kevin’s charming teacher Ryan (Josh Hopkins), a mysterious elf, Clementine (Bailee Madison), and a gospel singer named Josephine (Candice Glover), Chelsea may learn that even chasing down the facts can lead to holiday magic.

We got elves, we got Santa, we got an American Idol contestant, we got Tiffani Thiessen, we got reindeer. It’s a movie about spending time with your family and friends, which means it’s promoting not watching movies (Uh, Northpole excepted, right??) This film might be worth checking out to see just how they deal with the whole North Pole city on a tv movie budget.

Northpole is directed by Douglas Barr, who has directed a bunch of tv movies like The Mystery Cruise as well as starred in Spaced Invaders! It’s written by the writing team of Gregg Rossen and Brian Sawyer (Undercover Bridesmaid)

Northpole premieres Saturday, November 15th on Hallmark Channel
via Hallmark

Twilight Breaking Cookie Sesame Street Cookie Monster

Sesame Street gets its yumpire on with Twilight Breaking Cookie!


Sesame Street gives kids a good lesson in self-control, all the while skewering those Twilight films! In Sesame Street: Twilight Breaking Cookie, Shortbredward (Cookie Monster!) is a yumpire, which means he can’t control himself around cookies, and much devour him immediately. He and Belly are in love, but Belly can’t have any cookies with Shortbredward eating them all! What a jerk! Enter the third angle of this love triangle with Bacob the Wolf, who spends all day baking cookies to try to impress Belly, and howling in frustration when his efforts fail. With the impending nuptials between Shortbredward and Belly approaching, Bacob makes one last ditch effort to show that Shortbredward is an out of control yumpire. Can Shortbredward learn self-control and not eat all the cookies, all while reenacting scenes from the Twilight movies?

I especially enjoy how for half of the short, Belly says nothing except “I love you, Shortbredward” or “I love him”. But once she finally gets some backbone it is when Shortbredward learns some self-control. It both proves Shortbredward’s love for her, as it is the motivation he needs, and gives her character something to do besides look depressed and declare her love. And don’t forget the twist at the end!

Will kids learn from this? The original suggestions have to do with getting your mind off of the subject that gets you out of control by distractions, but the ultimate solution is to prove to yourself that you have the motivation to avoid it, exampled as talking it through. Because true change comes from within. So all in all, this one was pretty good!

Shortbredward is a yumpire with a cookie thirst and Belly is the girl who loved Shortbredward. The problem is that Shortbredward couldn’t control himself enough to share his cookies with Belly. Will Shortbredward ever learn to control himself or will Bacob the Wolf convince Belly to be with someone who has better executive functioning skills? Find out in Twilight: Breaking Cookie!

Lolita from Interstellar Space

Lolita from Interstellar Space (Review)

Lolita from Interstellar Space

Lolita from Interstellar Space
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!

Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.

An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?

Lolita from Interstellar Space

This film just made a profit!


Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.

This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!

Lolita from Interstellar Space

All your insurance covers is hypnotherapy!


You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!

Lolita (Anna Morna) – An alien student whose real name is Lo’Lee-tha (no one pronounces it that way on Earth), she is sent to Earth to learn about humanity to make up for her dismal grades. Lolita learns about humanity and a whole lot more, mostly stuff in the erotic category. Though she probably could have just googled all that.
Sarah (Christine Nguyen) – A cocktail waitress who likes expensive stuff, but likes responsibility even more. Strong willed. Roommates with Brandy and Joe.
Brandy (Karlie Montana) – A candy striper at the hospital, enjoys her patients and her roommates, Joe and Sarah. Enjoys Joe a bit more than Sarah.
Joe (Seth Gamble) – Joe is on his third term as a senior, will he ever graduate? Who knows. He’s a bartender at the same bar Sarah works at, and is friends with Greg.
Professor Zarren (Nick Manning) – Lo’Lee-tha’s teacher at graduate school, Professor Zarren sets up the special study course that allows her to still earn the credits she needs to finish with a degree. Nick Manning plays Professor Zarren stiffly and like he can’t open his mouth fully, giving him an alien feel. Because he’s an alien.
Greg (Chad White) – Greg is Sarah’s no-good boyfriend, who lost his job while cheating on her (thus hasn’t told her that he’s fired), spends money he doesn’t have on her, then cheaps out and renegs on promises to her. Also, he’s a jerk, if you haven’t picked up on that yet.
Mr. Reynolds (Alec Knight) – A patient at the hospital who hits on Brandy, because he’s so bored lying in a bed all day.
Lolita from Interstellar Space

I think she knows we’re only in this chemistry class to learn how to break bad!

A Wardrens Ransom Lifetime

A Warden’s Ransom – Lifetime breaks out a whole prison of evil men!

Diane Neal Casey Novak

Not only will I defeat them all in battle, then I will out-lawyer them all in court!


If you liked that movie S.W.A.T. but thought the plot would be better if it was set in a prison and the cool DA from Law & Order: SVU was the warden, then Lifetime has your back! A Warden’s Ransom (aka Steel & Stilettos) stars Diane Neal (A.D.A. Casey Novak!!) as the warden at a prison where the new serial killer inmate offers $50 million for anyone who can bust him out! Then a bunch of action stuff happens and there is a daughter kidnapping.

Samantha Brandt is used to being surrounded by dangerous convicts as the warden of a men’s maximum security prison, however, nothing could prepare her for new inmate Vic Miller. When the notorious serial killer with a large family fortune is escorted into Roundwood Prison amidst a flurry of TV reporters he offers fifty million dollars to anyone who can break him out! Threats arise from all sides as Sam fights to secure her prison from even the guards themselves but her job becomes personal when Vic Miller decides to use Sam’s daughter Kit as the ultimate leverage.

Nikita‘s Devon Sawa is the serial killer, and Jodelle Ferland plays Brandt’s daughter.

A Warden’s Ransom is directed by Mike Elliott (The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power and producer on dozens of direct to video flicks) and written by Patricia Harrington (If IMDB is right, she directed Razortooth and wrote To Sleep with a Vampire)

A Warden’s Ransom premiers October 11th on Lifetime! This is like a guaranteed watch!

via Lifetime

A Wardrens Ransom Lifetime

Aaliyah Lifetime

A teaser for Lifetime’s Aaliyah biopic that shows little!


Seriously, I think the still image promo shots showed more than this teaser, but okay, sure. Whatever. The teaser for the Lifetime Aaliyah biopic has hit the YouTubes, and it certainly makes Alexandra Shipp look like Aaliyah. But as all it is in her posing in identical fashion, I still have no basis to declare Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B a hit or a miss before it airs. Following typical Lifetime fashion, there will probably be a proper trailer the week before the biopic airs and becomes a Twitter phenomenon. Until then, we wait for November 15th, when it airs on Lifetime!

Lifetime’s Original Movie, “Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B,” starring Alexandra Shipp (“House of Anubis”) as the beloved actress and music sensation, is set to premiere Saturday, November 15, at 8pm ET/PT. The two-hour movie event is executive produced by Howard Braunstein, Debra Martin Chase and Wendy Williams, and based on the bestseller “Aaliyah: More Than a Woman” by former Time Magazine music editor Christopher John Farley (Game World).

Before Beyoncé and before Rihanna, self-proclaimed “street but sweet” Aaliyah was poised to become a global icon with top-selling albums, a hot movie career and an adoring fan base. The film follows the beautiful and talented performer’s inspirational journey, from her debut on “Star Search” at the age of ten to the challenges she faced during her rise to become the Princess of R&B. On August 25, 2001, at the height of her popularity, her life was tragically cut short when a plane carrying the singer and some of her video crew crashed after takeoff from a Bahamian runway. Although just 22-years-old at the time of her death, Aaliyah continues to lead a legacy as Billboard’s tenth most famous R&B artist of the past 25 years and one of the recording industry’s most successful artists in history.

Multi-talented actress and singer/songwriter Alexandra Shipp starred as KT Rush in the Nickelodeon series “House of Anubis.” Additional credits include the upcoming film “Drumline 2: A New Beat,” “ Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel,” “Ray Donovan,” “Victorious,” “Switched at Birth” and “Awkward.” Shipp is currently filming Universal Pictures’ “Straight Outta Compton.”

“Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B” also stars Rachael Crawford (“The Man”) and Sterling Jarvis (“The Sentinel”) as Aaliyah’s parents Diane and Mike Haughton; A.J. Saudin (“Degrassi,” “The Next Generation”) as Aaliyah’s brother Rashad Haughton; and Lyriq Bent (“Saw IV”) as her uncle and music manager Barry Hankerson. The film also stars Anthony Grant as Damon Dash, Izaak Smith (“Mirror, Mirror”) as Timbaland, Elise Neal (“The Soul Man”) as Gladys Knight and Chattrisse Dolabaille (“Home Away”) as Missy Elliot. “Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B” is produced by Aaliyah Productions, Inc. Howard Braunstein (“The Informant!”) Debra Martin Chase (“The Princess Diaries,” “Sparkle”) and Wendy Williams (“Wendy Williams Show”) serve as executive producers. Steve Solomos serves as producer. Bradley Walsh (“Turn the Beat Around”) directs from a script written by Michael Elliot (“Brown Sugar”).

Aaliyah Lifetime

Aaliyah Lifetime

RiffTrax Life Anaconda

Anaconda is the next RiffTrax Live!

RiffTrax Life Anaconda

Are We There Yet 3 went really dark!


The next RiffTrax Live event is the Kickstarter stretch goal Anaconda! You all remember this lovely film, about a snake that just wants to eat J-Lo and Ice Cube, and also Jon Voight is the creepiest weirdo you ever did see in a movie about a giant snake. It’s crazy and it’s RiffTrax Live!

Will there be very obvious jokes about how the snake is question has no desires unless the gluteus maximus is of maximum maximus proportions? Will Nikki Minaj show up and start rapping out a verse like she does on every song on the radio? Will robots invade the Earth while you are safe in your theater, only to emerge in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? You’ll just have to buy tickets to find out!

RiffTrax Live Anaconda happens on October 30th in theaters around the country, so be there or be squeezed to death by a freakishly giant snake!

Also there is a contest going on to submit Riffs for the RiffTrax Life, it ends September 30th and can win you a $100 gift certificate. So do that if you like to do that kind of thing!

Fanthom Events page!