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Damaged Lifetime

Damaged brings the goods to Lifetime!

It’s fitting that Damaged stars someone who is part of the Ravenwood spinoff of Pretty Little Liars, because the plot is straight out of the PLL playbook! Chris Klein (Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li) is the handsome teacher (!!) Sam Luck, who may or may not be banging young Taran Hathaway (Merritt Patterson – Ravenswood), and his poor wife Kate (the amazing Tasya Teles – The Grumpy Cat X-mas Movie) must uncover just how crazy Taran is as Sam’s life spirals out of control. Also there is crazy revenge going on, but for what? I guess we’ll have to watch the film to find out!

Gorgeous, wealthy, young Taran Hathaway moves into a house in a suburban neighborhood across the street from high school teacher Sam Luck and his workaholic wife Kate. When Sam offers to help Taran with her moving boxes, he is intrigued by the mysterious young woman across the street — until Taran shows up in his English class the next day. Even though he is her teacher, Sam can’t resist being a helpful neighbor and develops a friendship with Taran that becomes increasingly inappropriate as she gives him generous gifts. When Sam’s life begins to fall apart around him — he is the victim of car theft, accused of stealing, and fired for allegedly sexually harassing a student — his wife becomes suspicious of Sam and Taran’s relationship and begins asking questions… realizing that Taran moved to town with plans for the ultimate revenge.

Once again, Lifetime outdoes itself by barely providing any promotional material! Luckily there was a poster for the film on some press releases.

Damaged is directed by Rick Bota (Happy Face Killer), with a script by Riley Weston (The Nanny Express) and Kevin Leeson (Mongolian Death Worm, Riddles of the Sphinx).
Damaged premieres Saturday, January 3 on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

Damaged Lifetime

Nanny Cam Lifetime

Nanny Cam records babysitter treachery on Lifetime!

Nanny Cam Lifetime

I’ll save you child, by putting cameras in every object in the house!


As we all know, babysitters are instruments of the devil, sent to seduce fathers away from their families and leave mothers alone and sobbing. It’s true, all girls are brainwashed into this thanks to books like The Babysitters Club. Damn you, Stacey McGill! So it’s only natural that Lifetime yet again has a movie about an evil babysitter, a clueless husband who is easily seduced by tender young flesh, and a wife who has to sit around while it all happens around her. Luckily, now with Nanny Cam, she has a nanny cam and can spy on all the illicit action. Which is sort of perverse, but maybe she’s into it. Or probably not, as this is a Lifetime movie, not a Cinemax movie. Nanny Cam was known as Sitter-Cam during production.

Nanny Cam stars Laura Allen, Cam Gigandet, India Eisley, Farrah Mackenzie, and Monster Squad hero Andre Gower! New director Nancy Leopardi has a history of producing quality Lifetime content – Starving in Suburbia, Escape from Polygamy, and even genre films like AE: Apocalypse Earth and 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck! This is writer Brian McAuley’s first feature.

When Linda and Mark’s elderly nanny, Mrs. Highsmith, is no longer able to care for their five-year-old daughter Chloe, they have no choice but to find a new sitter immediately. That’s when Heather enters their life. Young, gorgeous, great with kids and with a glowing recommendation, Heather seems perfect. But Linda isn’t ready to trust a new sitter with her child, and decides to keep an eye on them via nanny cams. Her curiosity turns to obsession as she notices Chloe growing more and more attached to Heather… not to mention Mark. Is Heather slowly muscling her way into Linda’s role? Things get even stranger when Mrs. Highsmith mysteriously commits suicide but it isn’t until Heather kidnaps Chloe that Linda begins to understand why Heather is here. Will Linda be able to keep Heather from doing the unthinkable by facing a past she’s tried to forget?

Nanny Cam premieres Sunday, December 28th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime!

A Wife's Nightmare Lifetime

A Wife’s Nightmare brings unsettling dreams to Lifetime!

A Wife's Nightmare Lifetime

A girl with messy hair? That’s the greatest nightmare of them all!


First of all, I question that a wife’s nightmare is her husband having a long-lost daughter showing up that turns out to be a murderous con artist, but perhaps that is a common phobia with housewives. Needless to say, A Wife’s Nightmare is Lifetime’s latest nightmare entry in domestic non-bliss entertainment. It’s like a turbo-powered Electra complex, and poor wife Jennifer Beals is being replaced by a mistress who is inside the house! Of course, it will probably end in women punching each other, something that happens quite often in Lifetime films.

Inspired by a true story. When a mysterious teenage girl shows up on their doorstep claiming to be her husband’s long lost daughter, Liz Michaels welcomes her into their home – but when Liz starts to feel pushed out of her own family, she begins to question the girl’s true motives and doubt her own sanity.

What that synopsis doesn’t mention is Liz just got back from having a mental breakdown, so everyone will call her crazy for the entire movie in addition to all the goofy stuff going on!

A Wife’s Nightmare stars Jennifer Beals, Spencer List, Katherine McNamara, Dylan Neal, and Lola Tash. It’s directed by Vic Sarin, who directed the prior Nightmare films A Mother’s Nightmare, A Sister’s Nightmare, and A Daughter’s Nightmare. You might say he’s the stuff Nightmares are made of! It’s written by Blake Corbet and Dan Trotta. Corbet has some production experience and Trotta seems to be a newcomer.

A Wife’s Nightmare premieres Saturday, December 27th on Lifetime!

Photo via Lifetime/Darren Hull

Grump Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (Review)

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Grump Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
2014
Written by Tim Hill and Jeff Morris
Directed by Tim Hill

Grump Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
What to do about Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever? That is the mystery, because the noxious exploitation of a deformed cat has already got everyone beat by predicting their own movie would be awful and makes that joke over and over again. And in a way, the movie is awful. But in a way, part of it isn’t. Part of it tries so hard and comes so far, but in the end, it really doesn’t matter. It’s crawling in its own skin, and other lyrics. This isn’t going to be an angry screed against the film, because it doesn’t deserve that, and angry rants against this movie will seem forced and uninteresting. It’s more of a statement on the film and US culture today.

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever takes place in a mall, once the bastion of American consumerism. Malls are dying all over America, as shopping moves online, teenagers switch up where they hang out, and overpriced chain stores fail to compete with discount chains as far as the shrinking wallet of American consumers is concerned. The economic recovery that produced jobs that pay insultingly low raises, people trapped due to lack of opportunity, young people graduating to a world where they can’t find a job related to their degrees. Into this world we dump a movie about a talking deformed cat.
Grump Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
The mall setting mirrors with the commercial exploitation of the Grumpy Cat into a marketing line. Grumpy Cat is no longer a cat, but a product. The movie even includes scenes that hawk the Grumpy Cat website and Grumpy Cat swag. Grumpy Cat is a success story for the owner, who went from being a waitress to a millionaire, built on the back of a cat and not any actual talent. It’s all about selling out, making all the money you can possibly rake in. The film is even set up in a mall pet store, not an animal shelter. A pet store filled with animals begging for homes, but the only one with a future is a papered pedigree dog worth a million dollars. The animals are commodities, their personalities disabled by a dismissive quip or two from Grumpy Cat.
Grump Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Yeke Bezan

Yeke Bezan (Review)

Yeke Bezan

aka یکه بزن aka Little Hero aka Yekeh Bezan
Yeke Bezan
1967
Written and directed by Reza Safai
Yeke Bezan
Three Iranian Supermen (including a Superwoman!) Now that got your attention, let me deflate your joy for a bit by explaining that three characters dress up as Superman and fly around for a few minutes in the middle of the film, powered by a magic wand that also turns them into Tarzan characters and gunfighters out of an Old West movie. But, still, Iranian people running around dressed as Superman is not something you expect to see. The global image of Iranian cinema is a bunch of art house films all banned in their home country, but readers of TarsTarkas.NET know that Iranian cinema is much more than that. As we saw with Shab Neshini Dar Jahanam/A Party In Hell, pre-Revolution Iran put out a wide degree of cinema, including fantasy elements. There is even a term for these silly films, Filmfarsi, coined by Iranian film critic Houshang Kavoosi. Filmfarsi movies are low-budget populist fare that takes tropes and queues from other countries’ movies, particularly Indian cinema. The genre still continues today, though now the stories are worked around the censors, requiring directors to either tow the line or be very creative in their subversion.

Our focus is on 1967’s Yeke Bezan (The internet tells me that translates to Little Hero, but there is no giant octopi firing babies at genderbending kung fu starlets!) It is a goofy comedic fantasy film with roots all over. The long sequences of characters punching and shooting at each other seems lifted from Hollywood’s serials, giving it a common feel to the Turkish Super Hero movies that also feature large-scale “borrowing” of American pop culture. The characters break out into song, with beats that fit right in with Indian film. They even follow the Indian character breakdowns: A Handsome Hero, a Behrouz as his sidekick, a good girl who the hero ends up loving, and a bad girl who hangs out with the villains. Both the Handsome Hero and Behrouz spend time chasing after the bad girl, who we know is bad because she wears towels while talking to the men!
Yeke Bezan
In fact, there is a large amount of attractive women who shuffle through the film. 1960s Iran must have been a swinging place. Like several countries, the cinematography when women are on screen focuses on specific parts of their bodies, here it is either their bare backs (in the case of the bad girl in towels mentioned above), or more often, their legs, with the women almost exclusively wearing short shorts.

Overall, Yeke Bezan is interesting to watch because it’s unlike what you think films from Iran would be like, but it’s similarities to other genre cinemas of the time will also preview how much you will enjoy it. If you like the midstream Turkish Superhero movies that spend more time punching and goofing than superheroing, then Yeke Bezan will be up your alley. Otherwise, you’ll probably be bored for half an hour, entertained for 20 minutes, then bored for the conclusion of the film.
Yeke Bezan
Writer/Director Reza Safai is hard to find information on, partially because he shares a name with an up and coming actor/director named Reza Sixo Safai. I don’t know if they are related, all I can definitively find out about Reza Safai is he directed a string of fifty‐two Filmfarsi movies from 1961 to 1978, but his career cratered out after the Revolution. He wrote, produced, and even acted in many of those films. There was a brief attempt at a revival post-Revolution, but he ran into censorship problems. He was efficient with resources (aka cheap), would extend filming hours to cut down on the number of days on location, made promotional material out of outtakes, and often had one film shooting while another was processing in the lab. Reza Safai at one point dated starlet Mercedeh Kamyab, a fact that was more important than mentioning his actual career in at least one book about Iranian cinema.

Despite the goofy Filmfarsi cinema getting critical disdain, Yeke Bezan is a cinema classic in Iran. So much so that it was even remade in 2004 as Sharlatan (Charlatan), which follows the original plot rather closely, including the magic wand turning them into Superman scenes! So that’s two Iranian Superman movies! The film follows the original close enough I stole some of the character names from it to use for characters here. If anyone who has seen Yeke Bekan can help out, that would be great. I fully expect someone to stop by 7 years after an internet hero fansubs Yeke Bekan, outraged that I got a character’s name wrong. Sharlatan is released on DVD with English subtitles, unlike Yeke Bezan, which was taken from an internet rip of a vcd rip of a VHS tape that is probably second generation of a degraded negative that has two obvious missing scenes. With no subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The fun part of doing research on Yeke Bezan was that even though I drew a blank on a lot of things I tried to discover about this film, I stumbled across several other exciting things. Needless to say, expect a whole pack of obscure Iranian fantasy films to appear in the next few months, and hopefully more once I identify what movies are on a few mystery posters. I did get a few of the cast, but some of them are mysteries. Frank Myrqhary and Hassan Rezaei are listed in the credits, I’m not sure who is who.
Yeke Bezan
But for now it’s time to get farsi, filmfarsi, with Yeke Bekan!

Hasan (Reza Beyk Imanverdi) – Our intrepid hero, who spends the day doing good things and being a free spirit floater. And occasional hero for hire. Defeats the villains, gains a magic wand and the girl. Reza Beyk Imanverdi was an Iranian theater actor whose big break came when he met director Samuel Khachikian at a car accident, and Khachikian cast him in one of his films. That ballooned to a huge career that not only headlined many Iranian films, but gained him international stardom and roles in films in Turkey and Italy. He was forced out of Iran after the Revolution and eventually settled in America, becoming a truck driver. He died in 2003 of lung cancer.
Behrouz (Dariush Asadzadeh) – Hasan’s goofy sidekick who is usually sporting a sideways hat. He’s the comic relief, though manages to be a little less annoying than the traditional comic relief guy. Actor Dariush Asadzadeh is still performing on Iranian dramas into his 90s, but beyond that there is little biographical information about him in English.
Mahshid (Mina) – Rich lady under the care of her uncle, though all her wealth seems consecrated in a necklace that everyone wants. Hasan crushes on her. I was unable to find anything out about Mina.
Maryam (???) – Maryam is the bad gal who gives the heroes someone to perv on while maintaining Mashid’s chaste nature. Because she’s a sultry seductress she has to be evil, thus she’s allied with the villain, Homayoun. I don’t know who played her.
Homayoun (???) – The Bald Eyepatch Villain who menaces Mahshid in pursuit of her necklace that’s worth tons of money. Is repeatedly foiled by Hasan and Behrouz. Not sure who played him.

Yeke Bezan

One Christmas Eve Hallmark

One Christmas Eve (Review)

One Christmas Eve

One Christmas Eve Hallmark
2014
Written by Holly Goldberg Sloan
Directed by Jay Russell

One Christmas Eve Hallmark
Ever have one of those crazy nights where all sorts of weird stuff happens, and then you pick up a bunch of new best friends and a dog? Sure, we all have many times, and One Christmas Eve celebrates that phenomenon with Christmas flair! One Christmas Eve is a comedy movie which I didn’t know Hallmark even did, but I guess so because here it is! One Christmas Eve is an uneven holiday film that jumps around tonally and has some major missteps, but also does a few things surprisingly well that worked out enough to win me over in the end.

Nell Blackmore (Anne Heche) is freaking out trying to ensure the first Christmas after her divorce is a magical one for her two children. Opera-obsessed bad singer Emma (Alissa Skovbye) and video gamer Alden (Griffin Kane) are less than worried that Christmas won’t be special, because kids will be kids. Cesar Cortez (Carlos Gómez) is a worker looking to get him and be miserable during Christmas break, only to find someone dumped a puppy in front of his store. With no one around as it’s late at night on Christmas Eve, he looks for a happy family to dump the dog on the doorstep of to pass the buck. He picks the Blackmores, but his attempt to flee after buzzing the doorbell is foiled when he slips on a sled and injures his leg. Nell suddenly has to deal with someone injured on her property while a mystery dog entrances her children.

Thus begins the troubles for the night, as they go to the hospital. Nell parks the van in the loading zone, thinking it will just be a minute, but ends up taking forever (as someone who has been to the ER several times, you should expect to sacrifice many hours waiting around). She also first meets Dr. Chen (Brian Tee), who will take care of the family during each of their visits tonight. Alden takes the dog for a walk and ends up falling down a hole in a building under construction. Emma wanders out to go find him, and their van gets towed thanks to Reggie (Kevin Daniels) the security guard. Thus as soon as Cesar is free to go to the hospital, they’re back, with Alden having a broken wrist and Emma having cold exposure. That was rather poorly executed, her coat gets caught on a fence so she just leaves it, and suddenly is hospitalized even though it doesn’t seem that cold, and she’s fine a short bit later.
One Christmas Eve Hallmark