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Godzilla Marvel 20 The Doom Trip

Kickboxer and Bloodsport both getting remakes, but where is the Double Team remake???

Remaking Jean-Claude Van Damme films is all the rage in Hollywood for some reason best known by the coven of witches who determine which projects are greenlit (the Which Witches, for those in the industry!) But those witches have yet to give us the Double Team remake America craves, instead we’re getting the leftovers.

First up is a remake of Bloodsport from Relativity Media, James McTeigue directs a film that has a completely different plot. How is this a remake again?

Relativity’s version will instead focus on the morally-conflicted life of 21st century mercenaries who clash with the underground world of Brazilian Vale Tudo, the martial arts style used by Donald Gibb’s character in the original film.

It has already gone through a pack of writers and set to be rewritten again, a sure sign of a quality story. No one is cast yet.

Besides Bloodsport, Kickboxer is also getting made, helmed by Stephen Fung, the guy who directed those not very good Tai Chi Zero/Hero movies. Once again, no one is cast yet.

Y’all remember the saga of Kickboxer, right?

Kickboxer 1 featured JCVD coming out of retirement and taking to the kickboxing ring after his brother is crippled by the evil guy named Po. Kickboxer then defeats Po via kickboxing and becomes champion of illegal kickboxing.

Kickboxer 2 features actors who are totally JCVD and his crippled brother being gunned down by Po, forcing the third unknown brother, Cousin Cody who lived in a van in Step By Step, to come out of retirement to kickbox the crap out of Po, which he does.

Kickboxer 3 featured Cousin Cody going to South America and being friends with kids and kickboxing some evil dudes.

Kickboxer 4 ditches the kids, Cousin Cody somehow got married, then his wife is kidnapped by Po and Cousin Cody was framed for murder and is in jail. He’s let out to fight in Po’s latest tournament, where he wears no disguise because jail made him hard or something. Eventually a bunch of people get kickboxed, including the new actor playing Po (a Tunisian wearing yellowface) but Po somehow escapes both the film and the franchise.

Kickboxer 5 features Cousin Cody being murdered via newspaper headline, and then Some Guy (Mark Dacascos, the Some Guy of DTV action films) is the new Kickboxer, and he kickboxes South Africans who wish they were as cool as the South African villains in Lethal Weapon 2.

In conclusion, Free South Africa, you dumb son of a bitch!

Lethal Weapon 2

It’s just been revolked!

Godzilla Marvel 20 The Doom Trip

Weinsteins giving us English language remakes of Come Drink With Me and The Avenging Eagle

Chang Pei-Pei come drink with me

Welcome to a world where we suddenly get English language remakes of the classic Shaw Brothers features Come Drink With Me (大醉侠) and The Avenging Eagle (冷血十三鹰), complete with “international casts”. Yep, it’s THIS world! Weinstein Co. is teaming up with Celestial to bring us remakes no one was asking for.

The fact that Shaw Brothers films are being remade isn’t really what I have an issue with (heck, Shaw remade films all the time, Come Drink With Me has been sort of redone as a tv series!) It’s the fact they are being made entirely as an international focused feature instead of telling a good story first and worrying about box office second. Telling clues like “preliminary thought is to have international casts for both pictures,” give away their plan.

This is the further evolution of the Editing for China model that movies have been doing – producing content specifically designed for China. In fact, I would wager these films will be budgeted so that they become profitable entirely on Chinese box office alone. I really don’t think they will find a real audience in the US beyond special screenings/limited releases. The announcement hints more titles are in development, though these two will be the testing ground. Everything depends on who is cast. I will also expect that the film’s marketing in the US will try to play up the Quentin Tarantino connections as he likes these films (and was even attached as the director of a remake of Come Drink With Me waaaaaay back in 2007!)

What is odd is the target audience in the US includes the types of people who will be mad that these are being remade! Luckily, the exact titles are obscure enough for a fan who just buys the occasional martial arts film, but those that live and breath Asian cinema are far less likely to be pleased. That vague “international casts” thing means we might have random white people wandering around Ancient China. Or it will just be a Man with the Iron Fists redux, in which case enjoy losing lots of money, Weinsteins!

John Fusco is attached to write both the scripts, he wrote the Young Guns movies and is writing the Crouching Tiger sequel. Fusco is a black belt in Shaolin Kung Fu and is friends with Jet Li, so he’s not a complete unknown to the world of martial arts.

Full text of the announcement:

New York, NY – July 23, 2013 – The Weinstein Company (TWC) and Celestial Pictures Limited (Celestial Pictures) announced today that they are partnering on remakes of two classic 1970s martial arts titles: THE AVENGING EAGLE and COME DRINK WITH ME. Both original films are part of the renowned Shaw Brothers library, the largest Chinese-language feature film library in the world. The two films with TWC will mark Celestial Pictures’ first English-language martial arts remakes of Shaw Brothers’ films. Harvey Weinstein and David Thwaites will be producing; John Fusco, who is also set to pen the screenplay for the upcoming sequel CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON II: THE GREEN DESTINY, is confirmed to write both projects.

In the thriller THE AVENGING EAGLE, a cabal master known as King Eagle raises orphans to be his own personal thugs in an outlaw band called The Thirteen Eagles – The Assassins Of The Iron Boat Clan. One of the orphans decides to rebel and strike out on his own, leading the rest of the group to want him dead. He joins up with a mysterious warrior and proceeds to take down King Eagle. The original film, directed by Sun Chung, was released in Hong Kong in 1978, winning awards such as “The Most Outstanding Actor” (Ti Lung) at the Asian Film Festival and “Best Editing for Drama” (Chiang Hsing-loong) at The Golden Horse Awards.

A ruthless band of thugs kidnap a young official as hostage to exchange for their captured leader in COME DRINK WITH ME. The prisoner’s sister, highly skilled martial artist Golden Swallow, is sent to free him. Although she is able to handle the overwhelming odds, she is hit by a poison dart, and needs help from a beggar who is really a Kung-Fu master in disguise. With his help, she forms a plan to get her brother back. The original film was directed by King Hu, who is best known for directing various wuxia (Kung-Fu) films in the 1960s and 1970s. This was his first success and remains a classic of the wuxia genre, catapulting the then 20-year-old starlet Cheng Pei-pei (CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON) to fame. The original film, released in Hong Kong in 1966, participated in various film festivals such as New York Film Festival, Festival de Cannes and Tokyo International Film Festival.

Said TWC Co-Chairman Harvey Weinstein: “Shaw Brothers and Sir Run Run Shaw were responsible for ushering some of the first great, legendary Asian filmmakers and acting talent onto the world stage. It’s an exciting opportunity to be bringing new life to these two classic films and taking them into the global market with Celestial Pictures.”

“Audiences in Asia and indeed the world over have enjoyed classic titles from the Shaw Brothers library for decades,” commented Ralph Marshall, Director of Celestial Pictures. “With Harvey Weinstein and TWC, we have the best possible partners to reinvent THE AVENGING EAGLE and COME DRINK WITH ME for a new generation. With further productions in development, and the imminent release of library titles globally on digital platforms, Celestial Pictures will continue to showcase its rich, enthralling and iconic stories and characters in new and innovative ways”.

The deal for THE AVENGING EAGLE and COME DRINK WITH ME was negotiated by David Glasser for TWC with Kristen Tong for Celestial Pictures.

Secret Lives

Secret Lives

Secret Lives

Secret Lives
2010
Written by ???
Directed by Austin Brooks

Secret Lives

Grey Poupon jokes forever!


As we’ve seen time and time again, one of the major story types of softcore films are murder mysteries. These plots help gives softcore some pulp street cred (erotica is a long-standing pulp tradition) as well as adding danger elements to help make the films more exciting. Many of the films are essentially episodes of detective shows, modified for the personality of the lead and given sequences that would make NYPD Blue blush. Mainline Releasing/ MRG Entertainment has a slew of them, so Secret Lives will become an example case.

Secret Lives goes along at a leisurely pace, a type of realistic storytelling that shows us characters walking the whole way through buildings, having long conversations and monologues, and seems more of a play expanded to film and then stuffed with padding to justify the sets and stock footage. But weirdly enough, that sort of makes it feel more real, that these characters who are part of this fantasy sex world have to deal with some of the same problems that everyone faces. And our heroes are no angels, they endanger their case and their jobs and even their lives, saved by the fact the killer seems to have left her mind far behind

Secret Lives

Agave??? Give me the rat poison!


Also there’s lots of wang in this movie. Which is good for softcore, even if it’s not my thing, because there are couples that watch these film, even if it isn’t the target audience. And it’s cool to toss the ladies or gay men a few “bones” now an then, even if it is only soft bones. People who have a problem with that probably have their own

We’re led to believe that Kenzie is the main character from the beginning, but we actually follow Detective Mick Ferguson around for most of the film. The “secret lives” hinted by the title only makes sense if you view the relationship of the main characters – which they try to keep hidden to protect their career and cases – as a sort of secret life. But it’s not really that secret, and by the end they just realize hiding things will just leave to problems. The big flaw is there is no real resolution. Kenzie and Mick commit to staying together, but even though we know who the murderer is, things are left to offscreen characters to find the evidence and save the day.

Secret Lives features stylized flashbacks, including several long sex sequences. An effort is made to keep the viewer from being confused while still running through the checklist of things required for softcore cinema. The pacing is something that may put people off, but it lends Secret Lives a bit of distinction in my eyes. Secret Lives throws some expected ideas out the window while still delivering other common tropes, a creative mix that is welcome in an environment that can grow stagnant.

Detective Mick Ferguson (Brendan Connor) – Police detective who is trying to balance his love life with his job, a special problem now that his one night stand turned possible girlfriend turns out to be the new Assistant District Attorney, Kenzie. Detective Ferguson must also solve the murder of model Ashley Taylor. Brendan Conner also stars in Alien Sex Files 3: Aliens Gone Wild
Kenzie (Beverly Lynne) – The new Assistant District Attorney, who gets off to a bad start possibly compromising cases and having inappropriate relationships. Then she goes and interviews suspects without saying what she’s doing. Kenzie used to be a model – which paid for law school – and lived in the house Ashley was murdered in with Diana Marks. Beverly Lynne has been in a ton of films featued on TarsTarkas.NET.
Diana Marks (Krissy Lynn) – The roommate of murder victim Ashley and constantly arguing with her. Has been a model for a long long time. Is only mostly crazy. Krissy Lynn also stars in She’s So Anal
Ashley Taylor (Angelica Saige as Angelica Sage) – The murdered girl, she appears in various flashbacks, usually yelling at people or having sex. The mix of passions spells her doom. Angelica Saige starred in Go Hostagettes!
Jason Tillman (Chris Johnson) – Ashley’s boyfriend, he left the apartment before she was murdered, but as she was killed by poison, can’t be ruled out because he may have poisoned her before he left. Was constantly dealing with Ashley’s jealousy. Chris Johnson also starred in Grand Theft Auto: XXX Parody
Lady Cop (Mell Flynn) – Cop on the scene at the murder that gives Ferguson the rundown. Mell Flynn was also in an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
Dean Foss (George McFadden) – Weird art photographer and Diana’s boyfriend. Is creepy, but that’s just a red herring (like communism!) According to IMDB, he’s been in nothing else, which means this is probably not the name he’s usually credited under.
Secret Lives

Completely hidden by her camouflage!

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

Siluman Teluk Gonggo
1988
Based on work by Bastian Tito
Directed by Lilik Sudjio

Siluman Teluk Gonggo
A giant martial arts fighting spider, a mad rapist with an evil parrot, a giant bird that has seen better days, and a bamboo flamethrower are just part of the fun of Siluman Teluk Gonggo. This fantasy martial arts adventure (since it is Indonesia, it is silat) is one of a series of films about pulp hero Wiro Sableng.

Wiro Sableng’s serialized martial arts adventures gained fame in Indonesia and turned the character into one of their most famous pulp heroes. The world of Wiro Sableng is best described as similar to the Jianghu “martial world” of wuxia fantasy, with different clans and martial sect that have different fighting techniques and local drama. Wiro spends much of his time wandering from area to area learning from the various masters and getting involved in local drama. Author Bastian Tito actually spent time traveling around Indonesia to the places Wiro was visiting, so he could write first-hand knowledge of the area. This also occasionally caused the stories to be delayed.

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

A planet of me!


This is the sixth movie in the series starring Tony Hidayat as Wiro Sableng. This series is comprised of Empat Berewok Dari Goa Sanggreng, Dendam Orang-Orang Sakti, Neraka Lembah Tengkorak, Tiga Setan Darah Dan Cambuk Api Angin, Sepasang Iblis Betina, Siluman Teluk Gonggo, and Khianat Seorang Pendekar. There were two television series that portrayed the further adventures of Wiro Sableng, first starring Sukendro Herning (also known as Ken Ken) and then Abhie Cancer.

As you can imagine, there isn’t that much information in English. But I have determined the names of the two men who help Wiro Sableng are Lor Gambir Seta (K. Supranto) and Dewa Tuak (Piet Pagau), though I’m not sure which one is which.

But it’s not the actors that give our attention to Siluman Teluk Gonggo, it’s the monsters. Yes, there are Indonesian giant monsters! We get not only Wiro Sableng’s faithful giant bird companion, but a giant spider, a human-sized monkey creature, and some monster so large we only see it’s eyes and huge King Kong-sized hand. Exactly what it is, is a mystery to the ages. Or at least to people who don’t speak Indonesian, as they probably explain what it is.

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

Spider will be appearing in the next The Raid sequel


Director Lilik Sudjio has a prolific career pumping out lots of Indonesian genre film that has gone barely noticed in the West for far too long. For every The Queen of Black Magic that gets a cool DVD release, there are a dozen Siluman Teluk Gonggos that sit around on vcds. Before his film work he was an actor, and then spent some time in film school in the US before returning to Indonesia and producing a lot of cool stuff. After 1990, he turned to directing television, as that was the way of the future as the film industry was collapsing.

Pulp hero Wiro Sableng has a tattoo that reads “212”, and carries around a variety of weapons. He has an ax that has a dragon-head hilt, and a throwing weapon used like a shuriken, in the film it has a sort of boomerang power and looks like a take on the weapon from Krull, but with just two blades.

The fighting choreography isn’t half bad, either. It’s not The Raid, but it isn’t The Bumbling, either. Though many of the actors are terrible at playing dead, they just casually drop to the floor like they’re going to sleep. The pacing and lack of subtitles (Here at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!) might drive some away, but stay for the last 20 minutes, that’s where the real fun and most of the monsters are.

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

How’s about a little fire, Scarecrow?


Wiro Sableng (Tony Hidaya) – Super martial arts master who wanders around being arrogant, though occasonally battles evil people like Sonya. Has a flying blade weapon
Sonya (Arthur Tobing) – Sonya first appears as a family man who leaves his sad wife and young son to go visit the Witch Doctor for reasons unknown. After given powers and the Evil Parrot, Sonya turns into a mad raping wizard, roaming the countryside killing and raping everyone he sees. He has powers of teleportation, invisibility, and boob grabbing.
Evil Parrot (himself) – Evil Parrot given to Sonya by Witch Doctor. If Evil Parrot is just Witch Doctor in animal form, I do not know, but he does seem to shout commands from time to time.
Witch Doctor (???) – A scarred old witch doctor who lives in a spooky valley. People come to see him to ask for things, but he just turns them evil. Evil!!! He explodes after making Sonya evil, perhaps transfering his power to the Evil Parrot.
Giant Flying Bird (puppet) – Wiro Sableng’s loyal ride and companion, who is barely in the film despite how useful he would be to scout around the huge countryside looking for signs of Sonya. The bird is ratty and half falling apart, but it is a hero just the same.
Giant Spider (puppet) – One of the beasts that guard Sonya’s base, this giant spider spits rockets and knows martial arts. But the Giant Spider neglected to make himself flameproof, much to his doom.
Giant monster (Cardboard eyes and rubber foam hand) – A giant beast who guards Sonya. He’s so evil and so big, all we see is his eyes and a huge hand that grabs at the heroes.
Stone Monkey (guy in suit) – Yet another layer of defense of Sonya’s lair. You’d think with all these creatures, Sonya would have vast gardens of food for all of them. But he doesn’t, yet another failure for Sonya.

Siluman Teluk Gonggo

The Wolf of Links Street

Karen Mok Man of Tai Chi

Once again TarsTarkas.NET swims into the ocean of the internet and brings back a bounty of wonderful links, thanks to our illegal fishing methods that are banned by international treaties. So don’t tell anyone! Time to get this party started…

**Ex-ninja tackles The problem with Movie Geeks and Homophobia!

**Movies Silently celebrates the women of silent movies!

**Pre-Code falls for the spectacle of The Miracle Woman!

**Beth Watkins from Beth Loves Bollywood interviews Samit Basu on his new book Turbulence at The Cultural Gutter!

**TwoDudeReview covers the Box Office Surprises of 2013!

**Direct to Video Connoisseur makes the connection. The Miami Connection!

**Trash Film Guru wishes This Is The End meant the film never started!

Can’t Stop the Movies cries “Ball!” on 42!

**FourDK meets Dus Numbri!

**Turban Decay dishes on The Sheik!

**Knights of Mars Roundtable takes a Long Dream off a short pier!

**shadowsandsatin educates us on Alan Ladd and Veronica Lake!

**Teleport-City gives a hand to Arahan!

**Here is an awesome essay on The Act of Killing!

**This is a sad article about abortion before Roe vs Wade

**There is going to be a live-action 009-1 film called 009-1: The End Of The Beginning. Mayuko Iwasa will star. Trailer at the link!

**Singing the lesbian blues in 1920s Harlem

**Online Pulps!!!!

**“The Lottery” Letters

**There are giant concrete arrows across America because of an old airplane mail delivery system!

**Have you ever wanted to play a Santa Claus Conquers the Martians tabletop RPG? Well, now you can, with the Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: The Official Series Bible! Yes, you can become a Martian elf and make toys. Seriously!

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: The Official Series Bible is a setting based on a (fictional) television series based on the original film. Players take the role of human, elf, and Martian toymakers, working together to bring peace and understanding while foiling the schemes of naughty people from both planets. It is system-independent, meaning you can use the roleplaying game mechanics of your choice to play it. It’s good for a silly one-shot or a short campaign.

The Official Series Bible™ is a format for roleplaying game campaigns. Each setting is called a Pilot, like the first episode of a television series, providing enough information to get started and offering hooks for future adventures, be leaving things open enough for gamemasters to take things in their own direction. All information is presented without rules system information, so you can adapt it to the system of your choice.

**The Koch brothers take on enviro groups over mine

**This Is What a Multimillionaire Calling In His Chits Looks Like

**Ancient Roman Concrete Is About to Revolutionize Modern Architecture

**Captain Planet is being threatened to be made into a movie…again! Will it die in preproduction like the other two times? Probably.

**25 Incredible Photos From History

**This cool creature is Helicocystis moroccoensis, and it lived 520 million years ago during the Cambrian explosion, a time when all sorts of new types of life emerged. Helicocystis featured “characteristics that place it as the most primitive echinoderm that has fivefold symmetry”.
Helicocystis moroccoensis


**The Wolf of Wall Street is based on the memoir by Jordan Belfort, and details his life of excess at a brokerage firm, including corruption, the mob, goldfish eating, dwarf tossing, partying down, and securities fraud. And it looks fan-freaking-tastic from the trailer!
the wolf of wall street

That’s all for this round of lots of random crap. Tune in next time for 2 crap 2 random!

Machine Man Bangla

Machine Man

Machine Man

aka Banglar Machine Man
Machine Man Bangla
????
Written by ???
Directed by ???

Machine Man Bangla

The most advanced bullet-time ever!


Bangladeshi science fiction cinema is not something you hear too much about, for two main reasons. One: there isn’t much Bangladeshi science fiction cinema. Two: what little there is, is as hard to get a hold of as the rest of non-mainstream Banglar film. Which means you are resorting to badly encoded vcds showcasing leprous prints that are seconds away from disintegrating into dust. The print of Machine Man looks like it is projected through a jar of drugged out hobo pee, and the camera randomly loses focus and frames weird. There are even two different prints on vcd, a full screen version that you can tell what is going on, and a blurrier widescreen version that shows the whole picture, but at such low resolution it’s not worth it. The joys of vcds! Heck, even recent Bangladeshi films look like they were ran over by a heard of giant apes!

Machine Man is basically a Bangladeshi version of Robocop Terminator vs Evil Robocop T-1000. The hero cop is reborn as a cyborg Machine Man that destroys crime and has occasional flashbacks to his whole family being massacred. After thoroughly trouncing the villain to near death, the villain then becomes a Bionic Man of his own, more advanced and more powerful. When these two get together, let’s just say sparks will fly. In Banglar tradition, there is a ton of crazy violence and guys yelling at each other.

What Machine Man isn’t, is original. The Machine Man dresses as Terminator right after he’s made, complete with black leather jacked and sunglasses. But all of his experiences are straight from Robocop. The prototype cyborg malfunctioning, the cop being shot up by the villains, flashbacks of his family while walking through his abandoned house, and even a few of the action scenes are completely lifted from Robocop. The villainous Bionic Man, however, is the liquid metal T-1000 from Terminator 2, complete with holes getting blow in him that heal up just fine. The fun part is seeing pop culture hijacked and transformed into a new media, and how easily it melds into Bangladeshi action cinema.

You might wonder why even bother to make these characters robots. After all, their fighting powers are hardly out of place in normal Banglar action cinema. Heck, even compared with Banglar Hero, which also stars Manna, if you were to pull random scenes without knowing which film it was from, the only real telltales would be the sunglasses and the animated sparks that occasionally are put in. The action heroes are already superhuman. Now they’ve evolved, beyond superhuman. Heroes and villains, gone hyperdrive.

Machine Man Bangla

Machine Man has never seen an explosion despite walking slowly away from thousands of them


Once the bionic has been installed, things get nuts. The effects are up to par with your Halloween costume from 1983, including bent pieces of sheet metal representing a character’s robot pieces. Of course, this means everything is a whole lot of fun. Machine Man has a healthy dose of action, and keeps the pace moving a long rather nicely.

As Machine Man is a rather unknown film (I can’t even pin down a year of release!), I’ll be dropping a full recap after the break, so you too can live the magic of Machine Man in the comfort of text form interspersed with images. Thanks to spending lots of time on Google, I have determined who like four cast members are. The rest are just names that could be anyone. Perhaps someone will be good enough to stop by eventually and help ID people – Mousumi, Bristi, Kazi Hayat, Shiva Shanu, Nasrin, Miju Ahmed.

Machine Man Bangla

He forgot to drink milk. Milk. It does a body good.


Inspector Bobby/Machine Man (Manna) – The best cop on the force is killed and turned into a cyborg, becoming the best cop in the universe. Famed actor Manna starred in dozens of Bangla action films including Banglar Hero.
Dani/Bionic Man (Asif Iqbal?) – The evil Dani avenges the death of his brother by murdering Inspector Bobby’s entire family. Then he gets killed by Inspector Bobby returned as Machine Man. But not killed dead, and he’s turned int Bionic Man, who is even more evil. I believe he is played by Asif Iqbal, which is a far too common name to find any real information on.
Doctor (???) – Famed scientist who works on making bionic men for fun and profit. Which is why he tries to sell the idea to an evil guy. Luckily, he screws up and makes a good Machine Man later, but that’s not lucky enough to keep from being kidnapped and murdered. He has posters of the Terminator and Robocop in his lab
Doctor’s Daughter (Apu Biswas) – I have no idea what her character’s name is, but she’s the daughter of Doctor and becomes the love interest, teaching Machine Man how to be a real man again. And also is a biomechanical and computer genius. It’s hard to find any information on Apu Biswas because there is another newer, younger actress named Apu Biswas. It’s like Bangladesh perfected the Disney Channel factory model!
Prototype Machine Man (???) – The OG Bangla Machine Man, he stomps out all covered in metal heat duct pipes and beats people up until he is killed dead. This Tin Man’s weakness was having a heart that could be shot full of bullets.
Machine Man Bangla

Not my white suit!!