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InMovie News

Bone Alone is not a porn film, but a Talking Dog Home Alone from Asylum!

October 18, 2013By


Merry Christmas, you filthy animals! Asylum is back to take that literally, by giving us what we’ve all be craving – a Home Alone ripoff that features talking dogs! Bone Alone looks so much like Home Alone from the trailer, that this will be a Christmas classic for years to come, even featuring completely unrelated terrible sequels made decades later.

Bone Alone follows a similar plot to Home Alone: Bone the dog is a bad doggie and is forbidden from going to grandma’s house for food, so he’s left home alone. Where a bunch of thieves break in, and Bone must defend his house with all his doggie powers. Which involves lots of traps that Bone is somehow able to put together despite having no opposable thumbs. Also he talks, and there are other talking dogs, so Bone isn’t really alone. Why Bone doesn’t just yell at the burglars is a mystery. Kevin Sorbo shows up with a “dog catcher” uniform on, and is exploded. Now we know why Bone was left alone — he’s the Unabomber!

Perhaps this will spawn an entire genre of dog-themed mockbusters of popular films. A Jurassic Bark that doesn’t make you cry, anyone? Bone Matrix? Commandog? I demand all these films be made. By Christmas!

Also I lied, Bone Alone IS a porn film, but it’s a different Bone Alone!

Bone Alone

A real title

Bone Alone

Hi, my name is Bone. Kevin McBone

Bone Alone

This is the scene where Bone tricks the burglars into thinking multiple dogs are home

Bone Alone

Dumping food products on thieves is a Home Alone tradition

Bone Alone

Even Hercules can’t defeat Bone

Bone Alone

This is amaze-dog!

Bone Alone

This dog’s devil voice is my favorite part of the trailer

The Wolf of Wall Street
InMovie News

Hot Wheels is now a movie about a burnt out cop

October 18, 2013By

Hot Wheels Logo

When you think Hot Wheels, you think the toys cars you played with as a tiny tot or perhaps the cars you kept displayed on the wall as an older than a tiny tot. Hot Wheels generally only had the plot of whatever you made, which was usually cars racing and crashing. Though 1969-1971 did see a Hot Wheels cartoon series that focused on high schooler Jack “Rabbit” Wheeler and his Hot Wheels Racing Club. There was no further Hot Wheels activity until 2003’s Hot Wheels World Race movie on Cartoon Network. That lead directly into the Hot Wheels AcceleRacers series of movies, which features racing across multiple dimensions, sentient evil robotic racers, alien racers, and a grand conspiracy. I must point out that one of the characters is named Porkchop. This series was never finished, so break out your fanfic typewriters!

Hot Wheels then went all CGI for Hot Wheels Battle Force 5, which features a few of the characters from the AcceleRacers, though it doesn’t seem to explain how they got there. Someone help me out here, I’ve not watched any of these! There are alien mutant animal drivers, which should be enough for me to watch as that’s close enough to Battle Beasts for me to be interested. And robot drivers, because robots are cool.

With all this alien robot mutant legacy in Hot Wheels, you would think the movie would be fantastic. Or at least follow The Fast and the Furious. Well, you are wrong! The current version of the script (at this point the Hot Wheels Movie development is 10 years old!) is:

The story centers on a washed-up Illinois State Trooper who, after a dangerous military device falls into the hands of a criminal, fights the man his father once put behind bars

Yes, it’s totally a story that kids love. Feel the wheel! I can’t tell you how many kids playing with cars are like “I’m Trooper Steve, who’s sick of giving tickets!”

Did anyone have those Hot Wheels cars that you could crash into walls and they’d have “damage”? Make a movie about that.

Octorod

Screw Hot Wheels, make a movie out of these Weird Wheels cards!

InMovie News

Hercules: The Legend Begins Trailer

October 17, 2013By


If you haven’t already, you have to watch the trailer for Hercules: The Legend Begins. No, not the Rock one, this is the one with Kellan Lutz as Hercules. And it looks like Gladiator meets 300 with about ten seconds of Hercules things. Also Hercules can whip lightning around, something so strong in the Hercules legend it seems to have been made up for this film.

This trailer hits all the classic “epic” trailer notes – a hero is sent off to war and becomes a slave, but rises through the gladiator ranks thanks to his skills of jumping high up into the air in slow motion and slaying all opponents. An evil king calls him a funny insulting name, he and his forbidden girlfriend make out in a lake (and he gets a necklace), and Hercules talks about how they are fighting for their lives. The real question is will this Hercules: The Legend Begins film be so generic it impacts The Rock’s Hercules movie? Whatever the effect, we have a contender for 2014’s most overblown production, and I’m hoping for a camp classic.

Hercules the Legend Begins Lutz

Hercules the Legend Begins Lutz

Hercules the Legend Begins Lutz

John Doe Sleepy Hollow
InTelevision Reviews

Sleepy Hollow S01E05 – “John Doe”

October 15, 2013By

John Doe Sleepy Hollow

Not so sleepy anymore…


Sleepy Hollow “John Doe”
Directed by Ernest Dickerson
Written by Melissa Blake
John Doe Sleepy Hollow

This flower is my baby!


It’s Sleepy Hollow time again! After last week topped everything so far, this week’s Sleepy Hollow pulls back while switching gears to do a mysterious disease episode. There is also exploration of more colonial American myths (at this rate they’re going to run out of actual historical stuff to revise by season 2!) and let’s use know that the other three Horsemen of the Apocalypse aren’t just sitting around eating pizza. Okay, maybe Famine. That guy’s a jerk!

There are some mysteries hinted at that should pay off later, and Captain Irving and Detective Morales both have moments beyond scenes to remind people they exist. Even Ichabod’s wife shows up again, having barely appeared in the last two episodes (and she even comments on that fact!) The main problem with “John Doe” is it is following a stronger episode, so I’m just being more picky. Will Morales’ partner turn out to be evil? He seems way to nice to not be secretly evil. Also has anyone seen John Cho? Or smelled John Cho? Because he should be pretty rank by now and easy to track down. I’m sure he’ll appear again before too long.

John Doe Sleepy Hollow

Nobody told me I would be in this episode!


The focus on a different Horseman means we might just have episodes dealing with each one of them trying things as the series progresses. Maybe even the Horsemen will grow some brains and team up. Will the War guy have Sleepy Hollow be invaded by foreign powers? Was Red Dawn set in the Sleepy Hollow universe? A mystery to contemplate…

A mystery kid in old timey clothes peeps on a mystery girl in the woods. The girl is collecting flowers and wants to play with the boy once she sees him, running off and daring him to catch her. He does so, but soon she vanishes and is replaced by an armored dude on horseback. The design is familiar because we’ve seen him before, during the shot of all four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Blood Moon. Though we don’t find out right away, this guy is Pestilence and he’s not very nice.

Pestilence chases the kid to the highway, at which point the horseman and his horse vanish into dust. Mystery Kid is confused by the highway and cars, and his old timey dress indicates that he might be a time traveler like Ichabod.

John Doe Sleepy Hollow

Food in the future is weird!

Room in Rome
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Room in Rome

October 14, 2013By

Room in Rome

aka Habitación en Roma
Room in Rome
2010
Written by Julio Medem
Screenplay by Julio Rojas
Directed by Julio Medem
Room in Rome

“Loving strangers” – repeated lyric of reoccurring song

The trailer for Room in Rome hit the net and people went nuts, because here is a movie about two lesbians who are nude for most of the film having sweet lesbian sex. That whole story about people going to watch art house foreign films just for nudity seemed to apply once again, in the age of the internet and ease to access of nakedness like never before. It was a weird phenomenon. Room in Rome turned out to be a film about two women and their relationship during one night, filled with far more talking than lovemaking (though there is plenty of that as well). Expectations shattered, the buzz from the nudity excitement crowd died down, and what is left is a nice love story that’s probably 20 minutes too long.

The length issue has lead to a reputation that Room in Rome is boring (which I’ve found to be a common complaint of lesbian cinema for some reason). That might be a reaction to the characters constantly bringing up philosophical quotes and European history discussions that will fly over the heads of most viewers. I guess I’m weird because I didn’t mind them, though I question how long you can realistically keep up such highbrow discussion.
Room in Rome
Room in Rome flows beyond two strangers just having a one night’s stand before returning to their own lives. Their brief fling becomes an entire romance, and a lifetime of love flies by in that one night. Both characters know that what they have will not last past the break of day. The length does help spread out the approach of daylight. We all know that the morning is coming, and the passion and feelings we are witnessing will have to end, the two women returning to their lives. The spectre of morn haunts through the night, Alba and Natasha both reacting their own way to the upcoming emotional bomb.

Alba (Elena Anaya) – Alba lives in Spain with her partner, and works as an engineer designing light vehicles. She is unhappy in her relationship and more likely to do rash things without thinking.
Natasha (Natasha Yarovenko) – Natasha is a Russian woman in Italy for a vacation before she gets married and settles down. Most of her life has been a privileged journey that’s unusual because she’s marrying someone who is only middle class. She rarely takes risks, which is why the night is so out of character for her.

Room in Rome

American Hustle
InRiffTrax

Supersonic Man – New RiffTrax VOD!

October 13, 2013By


If you’ve never seen Supersonic Man, you are in for a treat. The film is just freaking crazy, and that’s without the RiffTrax guys taking it to town. For those of you who are unaware that Italy produced a large number of superhero films beyond Puma Man, welcome to a bigger world that you will soon wish you never knew about. While there may be one of three Italian super hero films that aren’t terrible, there are plenty that are. There are actually two versions of Supersonic Man, the Spanish dub features a disco soundtrack that will destroy your ears as the film destroys your soul. Seek it out, if you dare! And seek out Supersonic Man on RiffTrax.com, destined to be a classic!

Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…a copyright attorney that represents DC Comics handing out cease & desist letters to the producers of Supersonic Man!

Sadly, Supersonic Man, though he tries his hardest, still does his best to crib from various, more well-known sources. He has the Man of Steel’s strength, Dr. Manhattan’s occasional be-speedoed-ness, and yes, the awkward, moron-like flying of The Pumaman. What original attributes does he bring to the table, you may ask? Well, he uses his amazing supersonic powers to shatter the speed of sound and…turn a gun into a banana.

And he’ll need every banana he can get his hands on because a nefarious bad guy played by Cameron Mitchell (Death of a Salesman, Frankenstein Island, Space Mutiny) has an evil island lair where he intends to start slow, really focus his energies, and take over one very specific three block area in the city of Richmond, Vir—we’re just kidding of course, he intends to take over the entire world. Fortunately, he has an ace up his sleeves: possession of the world’s lamest robot, which despite its slow movements and general clumsiness, can still shoot gigantic flames that appear to measure approximately a few degrees less than the core of the sun itself.

Can Supersonic Man outwit this foe and save humanity? Assume a rigid, very uncomfortable looking flying stance and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to find out!

Supersonic Man RiffTrax

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