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Booty Hunter

Booty Hunter (Review)

Booty Hunter

Booty Hunter
2012
Written by ???
Directed by Count Matevossian

Booty Hunter

Just where is that damn booty at??


From the depths of late night cable comes Booty Hunter, a film about hunting booties, I guess. Actually, it’s about some women (one of which is a skipchaser for her bail bonds company) tracking down their old flame to warn him he’s in trouble. And many characters get some booty, and I don’t mean pirate treasure.

Booty Hunter is helmed by a crew of fake names. From director Count Matevossian to producer Mr. Acid to editor Sticky Fingers, the only real names are the actor credits (and even then at least one isn’t credited!) I have no clue who Eros Filmz is, there is no information that I was able to track down that wasn’t people talking about Booty Hunter, and they don’t seem to have any other film out. The entire production is a mystery, a mystery that maybe you can solve, if you like to solve mysteries or are someone who worked on the film and want to spill the beans. Me? I’m just going analyze and review, because I got a million other films to get through.

Booty Hunter

Booty delivery!


The weirdness of Booty Hunter‘s creatives hiding their names is amplified by the film having creative sections. There are two keen montages – a “life in the fast lane” montage and a chase sequence deliberately designed to be confusing. Both showed editing and creativity that softcore features often lack. A weirder quirk is the sex scenes having slow motion segments, something that was popular in the 90s but I haven’t noticed as much recently. The number of scenes is frequent, but their lengths are shorter, as Booty Hunter tries to rush through it’s plot while still delivering lots of naked people.
Booty Hunter

How did someone manage to hit the side of my car parked nearest to the curb???


Unlike other films that all seem to take place in the same two or three fancy million dollar homes, Booty Hunter‘s homes look more rustic, more working class dwelt in. They aren’t cleaned up, there is clutter everywhere, old furniture and appliances. They feel real, like the houses the characters would be at. Not everyone has the super expensive stuff, nor keeps the house largely bare. Many people have junk all over the place, and characters who spend all day having sex with random people aren’t going to stop to do some light vacuuming. That just gets in the way of the sex! The realness of the houses adds to the hotness of the sex scenes, because they shatter down the fantasy aspect and bring it back to the real. Booty Hunter could be happening in your living room this very moment. Are you sure someone named Maxx isn’t having sex on your carpet floor right now? Go check, quick!

I am an advocate of a diversity of film production companies in a niche, because that leads to more creativity and a stronger pool of films on the whole. One-off entries like this get my attention because they offer something different, even if it utilizes many of the same actors (who are familiar faces to watchers of Jim Wynorski or Mainline Releasing films) So it’s important to support Booty Hunter‘s existence. The film itself delivers some entertainment, but in the end, it doesn’t come together as well as I would have liked. But I would be interested in more Eros Filmz productions, decided the mystery group wants to continue the mystery…

Booty Hunter

Detective Booty Hunter, LAPD!


Nikki (Brandy Aniston) – A skip tracer for BH Bailbonds, hired to track down her old flame Maxx, and does a good job, locating his apartment only several days after she’s hired. Good thing the mob is even worse at their job!
Joanie (Angie Savage) – Joanie is one of Maxx’s former flames, who hires Nikki to track him down before the mob. Also she prioritizes having sex with Nikki to tracking down Maxx. And she knows more of what Maxx did than the mob people. Basically, she’s a mastermind, but not evil.
Maxx (Dale DaBone) – Maxx is this guy who has sex with a lot of women, but is so lovable that they all love him regardless. He just oozes charisma. Or so the film tells us. Maxx is emotionally immature and a criminal, but by the end of the film he reforms and becomes responsible. That’s our Maxx!
Heather (Alia Janine) – Heather is suggested to keep an eye on Maxx by Mob Guy, offering her a large sum of money. She decides the best way to do so is to seduce him. After sleeping with Maxx and explaining he “borrowed” her car, but being extremely unconcerned about it, she disappears from the movie.
Ashley The Pizza Girl (Ash Hollywood) – Ashley is the new pizza girl on the block, and increases her delivery time by spending far too long at Maxx’s apartment. Because they’re getting it on! I’d make a joke about not forgetting the bread sticks, but that would make no sense. In fact, why did I even write that? Ignore that writing about a bad joke!
Cowboy Hat Dude (Seth Gamble) – He’s a dude in a cowboy hat who thinks he’s gonna score with Nikki, until she reveals she’s bringing him back to jail! Dude, that’s why you should never have sex if you’ve missed a court date.
Mob Guy (???) – An angry mob man who has tracked down his former employee, Maxx, who stole a bunch of money. Except he didn’t really track down Maxx, because otherwise the film would be over before it began. No clue who plays this guy. Could he be the editor, Mr. Acid? Yes, let’s go with that.
Booty Hunter

Just checking your teeth for booties!

Ghost in the Shell

Live-action American Ghost in the Shell film inches closer to reality…

Ghost in the Shell

A rare image of her with clothes on!


But only if now-attached director Rupert Sanders can find a female lead that he can have sex with!

Okay, MAYBE that’s speculation that the director of Snow White and the Huntress, who ruined his marriage with female star Kristen Stewart, is going to sleep with the star of his new female-centric film. Maybe. But for some reason Rupert Sanders is suddenly hot to trot in the movie world, getting attached to everything ever. DreamWorks has snagged him for their Ghost in the Shell flick, which Spielberg has been wanted to get made forever.

Ghost in the Shell is one of the few anime films I have watched, and my vague recollection remembers it has to do with a secret squad of the Japanese National Public Safety Commission and a female android that is naked a lot. There is a bunch of philosophy that will probably be ignored in favor of trying to turn this into The Matrix (which borrowed A LOT from GITS!)

Rupert Sanders is already attached to: 90 Church – a film about Napoleon, The Juliet – which is called Bonnie and Clyde in space (WTF?), and a remake of Kill List. He’s pretty busy, but a guy’s got to relax, and where else to relax but on a couch. Where’s he’s casting leads…

My take? Expect Ghost in the Shell to stay in development hell, and Rupert Sanders to continue to be sleeping alone!

via Deadline

Showdown at the Equator

Showdown at the Equator (Review)

Showdown at the Equator

aka 過江龍獨闖虎穴 aka Guo jiang long du chuang hu xue
Showdown at the Equator
1978
Written and directed by Gwan Jing-Leung

Showdown at the Equator

Trashing restaurants is soooooo boring!


It’s a kung fu cop action flick from the late 1970s, so you know it will be full screen and dubbed terribly. The characters will be wearing outfits that make fashion police commit suicide, and the plot will only occasionally make sense. Throw in scenes that are just there for excuses for more fights and characters whose names change depending on who is talking, and you got yourself a movie. Just don’t hurt yourself getting down to the funky theme song. Because it’s the only thing that’s funky.

Showdown at the Equator is about gangs that extort protection money out of small business owners, and the cops that are bringing them down. The film doesn’t bother to tell us certain characters are cops (though it’s easy to deduce), and spends a long time putting together the reason why the plan is so complicated. But Showdown at the Equator does have a more unconventional final battle sequence, the characters that end up fighting aren’t quite the matchups you think they’ll be.

Showdown at the Equator

Peter Tork!


As part of the massive deluge of kung fu films pumped out to feed the overseas demand, Showdown at the Equator packs in a lot of action, even if it doesn’t make any sense. The action it does well, the choreography pretty decent for a film obviously made in a hurry with little money for fancy rigs or setups. It’s got that small budget charm that you get from picking a random martial arts vhs from the video store (if your store was cool enough to have a martial arts section!) I enjoy these films, but I recognize what they are, that they aren’t for everyone, and that Showdown at the Equator has a lot of problems that keeps it from being a film anyone remembers anything about. Good thing I took notes!
Showdown at the Equator

Herbie, NOOOO!!!


Chen Wan Tu-Lei (Nora Miao Ke-Hsiu) – Daughter of a restaurant owner who is targeted by the extortion gangs. She knows enough martial arts thanks to her nunchucks that she can fight back some when the gang trashes their place.
Yu Wang-Yeung (Larry Lee Gam-Kwan) – A drunk that helps the Chen family rebuild their restaurant multiple times thanks to stacks of cash he has with no explanation. He’s really an undercover cop trying to bring down the gang by infiltrating it by being an awesome fighter. Of course Chen Wan falls for him.
Chen Chung (Yiu Ping) – Restaurant owner and father of Chen Wan Tu-Lei. Tries to be friendly with the extortion gang, but they trash his place regardless. Mr. Chen Chung is sometimes called Ching Chung depending on who is speaking.
Li Shung (Bruce Leung Siu-Lung) – An undercover informant for cops who is exposed halfway through the film. He barely crosses paths with Yu Wang-Yeung except during the final fight.
Steven (Lo Lieh) – The head of the gang, the cops don’t even know who he is until most of the way through the film. Despite being in charge of the gang, he overseas almost all of their illegal activities, which lets him discover when the cops are closing in.
Showdown at the Equator

How dare they think this isn’t a real stadium!

Cooking with oatmeal Bert

Atlas returns to shrug yet again.

Cooking with oatmeal Bert

A much better book to read!


And the audience will shrug back. The never-popular Atlas Shrugged franchise has begun production on Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt?, and the plan is to get the film into theaters by September, thus influencing the 2014 elections just like Atlas Shrugged Part II influenced 2012 and prevented Obama from ever becoming president.

Oh, wait…

As is tradition (because of incompetence!), the entire cast of Part III will be different than Part II, which was different from Part I. Free market, baby!

John Galt will be played by Kristoffer Polaha, while Laura Regan is Dagny Taggart 3.0, and Rob Morrow is Hank Rearden.

Smart readers will recall that Atlas Shrugged: Part III is partially funded by begging for donations, after failing to ignite the box office during either of the first two parts (Part I made $4.6 million and Part II made $3.3 million!) This welfare queen irony is not lost on Ayn Rand, who spent the last years of her life broke and on government assistance. Because free market, baby! Where would we be if it wasn’t for wingnut welfare keeping useless hacks employed writing things bashing the common man? Much better off.

via THR
image via

Captain Underpants Talking Toilets

Captain Underpants plunges into the movies!

Aw, yes, Captain Underpants will be making his feature length debut in an animated fashion! For those of you who haven’t bothered to look around a bookstore lately, Captain Underpants is a series of children’s books featuring two kids who accidentally hypnotize their principal into thinking he’s the super hero known as Captain Underpants. Then all sorts of wacky things happen. Besides the ridiculous humor, the Captain Underpants books feature flip-o-rama, where you flip pages back and forth rapidly to simulate animation of various action scenes. The series is written by Dav Pilkey and is at 12 published entries, with more on the way (and that’s not including spinoffs!)

The animated motion picture version will be produced by DreamWorks, and the voice cast has just been announced. Ed Helms will voice evil principal Mr. Krupp as well as his unknown alter-ego, Captain Underpants. Kevin Hart and Thomas Middleditch will play George Beard and Herold Hutchins, the two students who hypnotize Principal Krupp. Jordan Peele voices Melvin the nerd, and Nick Kroll will play the villain, Professor Poopypants. A name I hope he keeps high on his resume!

You might be interested to know that the Captain Underpants books are among the most challenged in school libraries. Not only to parents object to the toilet humor (there are actual villainous toilets!), but they complain the books teach kids to disrespect authority. But if your authority is so bad that a children’s book threatens it, maybe your authority sucks in the first place! Captain Underpants and Freedom of Speech for Life!

My one hope is this movie succeeds, and thus we get a movie for The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

via TheWrap

Captain Underpants Talking Toilets

Bad Blood Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow S01E13 – “Bad Blood”

Bad Blood Sleepy Hollow

You’re a shotgun bang! What’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang?


Sleepy HollowBad Blood
Written by Alex Kurtzman and Mark Goffman
Directed by Ken Olin
Bad Blood Sleepy Hollow

We’ve been kicked out of better planes of the afterlife than this!


Hey, ho! This is IT! The epic last part of the Season 1 Finale of Sleepy Hollow, the show that became one of the best shows on television despite (or because!) of how ridiculous it is! It’s sharply written, with a fantastic cast that constantly brings their A game. It’s got a rich mythology while still has the freedom to disregard or retcon things that don’t quite work. It expands from it’s Biblical influences to become a broader narrative. It is incredibly diverse, with many well written black characters who aren’t just thrown in to add a bit of color to the cast. Sleepy Hollow brings together many great ingredients into an incredible stew of deliciousness. So make sure you grab yourself a bowl, because it’s going to be a long long wait until fall!

When last we left Sleepy Hollow (in what was the first part of a two-part episode combined together despite not originally being written that way), Ichabod and Abbie had just retrieved a map to Purgatory from the secret crypt of Zombie George Washington, and then burned the map to keep Moloch from getting it. Ichabod then drew the map again from memory, because he can do that. Captain Irving was arrested while protecting his daughter from crimes she committed while being demon-possessed, and Katrina didn’t appear except via flashbacks (as usual!)

I’m going to cut things off here, and there will be SPOILERS below the fold, because there always is anyway, but these are season ending spoilers of all the cool things that happen, so be warned if you haven’t bingewatched these episodes from your DVR!

Bad Blood Sleepy Hollow

Yep, we’re going to use another “I lost my head over Sleepy Hollow” joke!