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Larry the Cable Guy milk chocolate tater chips

Larry the Cable Guy to Jingle All Your Way!

WWE Studios is still making movies and still putting noted wrestler Larry the Cable Guy into sequels to movies that he wasn’t in to begin with. The latest is Jingle All the Way 2, a sequel to the 1996 film that starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad as competing fathers trying to get the hottest toy of the year. Larry the Cable Guy will be teamed with Santino Marella, who actually is a wrestler. Alex Zamm of Tooth Fairy 2 fame will direct.

Jingle All the Way has seen a resurgence of popularity recently, buffered on by True 90s Kids remember the 90s, and fans of Phil Harman. Let us not forget the legion of fans of Jake Lloyd, who remind us every day that Jingle All the Way is far from the worst thing Jake Lloyd starred in.

WWE Studios also announced The Marine 4, another DTV sequel where The Mix will return after starring in The Marine 3 (John Cena starred in the original and Ted DiBiase starred in The Marine 2) WWE Diva Summer Rae will also star.

This year will see WWE release the animated Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery, the Leprechaun: Origins reboot of the Leprechaun franchise (starring Hornswoggle), and See No Evil 2. The original See No Evil starred Kane and was one of WWE’s first films. The sequel is directed by the Soska sisters, Jen and Sylvia Soska, and will again see Kane go on a killing spree. No word on if Kane will kill Larry the Cable Guy, but maybe they are saving that for See No Evil 3.

via Variety

Larry the Cable Guy milk chocolate tater chips

You know these are good chips because he’s not just a cable guy, he’s a health inspector!

THE YUMMY GUMMY SEARCH FOR SANTA: THE MOVIE

Ich Bin Ein Gummibär Film!


In wake of finding out there is a live-action/CGI Rescue Rangers film on the way, the announcement of an animated Gummy Bear movie sounds cool…until you realize it isn’t Disney’s Gummi Bears, but is something called Gummibär. Gummibär/Gummy Bear is a computer generated viral singer in the same vein as Crazy Frog, which I know almost exclusively because of that Crazy Frog Brothers viral video. But this stuff is big in Europe, and studios are hot to trot on investing in global brands that give maximum overseas returns, so when Gummibär/Gummy Bear hit the big time, a cartoon movie deal becomes inevitable.

Gummibär/Gummy Bear looks ridiculous, a crazed green bear in undies and in need of a shave. But that’s the least weird thing about the Gummy Bear movie. John Travolta has been signed on to voice Gummy Bear, because Travolta has long been associated with gummy. Or grease. G-word, they’re all the same! Hopefully this means we’ll have us some Gummy disco dancing action. And yet, this isn’t the weird thing.

The script to Gummibär/Gummy Bear is being written by George Gallo, who also wrote the action film Bad Boys. In that tradition, Gummibär will team up with his friends – a vegetarian vampire bat, a cat and a chameleon – as they battle to save an alien planet from destruction. Exactly the plot you figure a Eurodance sensation would tackle!

As someone not from Europe, I have no idea if Gummy Bear is considered cool or ridiculously annoying, nor which countries are Gummy-infected and which are Gummy-free. But I do know that for a few seconds I thought there would be a cool Gummi Bears movie, and was all set to drink some gummy berry juice and start bouncing. Maybe one day….maybe one day…

I know some of you TRUE GREEN GUMMY BEAR FANS are saying “Hey, Gummy Bear already had his first movie, The Yummy Gummy Search For Santa!” And you are right, that movie exists, and Gummy Bear battles aliens to save Santa. Perhaps these will be the same aliens? Someone go rent The Yummy Gummy Search For Santa and let me know, because otherwise I have to watch it and that would be bad. For me. Probably not you, as the review would probably be a bunch of entertaining blabbering of nonsense. I do hope there is a gummy Venus De Milo, because there needs to be. Because references.

Watching the video lets me realize I’ve seen this video at some point and somehow blanked it out of my memories. But the pain comes rushing back as the green nightmare insists he’s a gummy bear.

Via ComingSoon

THE YUMMY GUMMY SEARCH FOR SANTA: THE MOVIE

We’re coming for YOU, America!

Kong the Origin

Yes, even more The Monkey King with Kong!

Kong isn’t about King Kong, but is instead about a different famous ape, Sun Wukong the Monkey King. In yet another Monkey King movie news, we’re getting yet another animated Monkey King origin film. The difference is this time, one of the riches men in China is bankrolling it. As you can tell, that’s an obvious difference that will change the game. Or become a gigantic fiasco. Or just be not that exciting. As movies tends to be where the new Chinese rich go to blow lots of their money, this could be spectacular for any of several reasons, both good and bad.

Whatever the case may be, Robin Li – one of the cofounders of Baidu – is backing Aquamen Entertainment, to be run by Korean director Kim Jeong-Jung and Chinese producer Gary Zhang. The first feature from Aquamen will be the $40 million 3D CGI Kong, which will give an origin story to Sun Wukong, who according to Journey to the West was born in the Earth’s core. Never fear, there will be aliens and robots, just like in the original tale. Okay, maybe they aren’t in the original tale, but I’m sure they are in the unabridged version.

A director will be announced in May, and perhaps by then we’ll have more than just a poster for information. Until then, just keep Kong in your knowledge centers for easy access in case something does happen.

via THR

Kong the Origin

La Nave de los Monstruos

La Nave de los Monstruos (Review)

La Nave de los Monstruos

aka The Ship of Monsters
La Nave de los Monstruos
1960
Story by José María Fernández Unsáin
Adapted by Alfredo Varela
Directed by Rogelio A. González

La Nave de los Monstruos

A woman after his own heart


An amazing adventure, La Nave de los Monstruos – aka The Ship of Monsters – is essential global pop cinema viewing, not simply just essential Mexican pop cinema viewing. A purely entertaining spectacle of space ladies who desperately need to replace the missing men from their civilization, thus are quested to scour the galaxy to find suitable males. But despite collected a rogues gallery of interesting monsters, nothing prepares them for the human male and his singing cowboy ways. Those who haven’t seen the film are now confused, not realizing the singing cowboy is presented as the irresistible bit of manliness that the rest of the galaxy is missing. In addition, he introduces the concept of love, which causes jealously and the best case of surprise space vampirism I’ve ever seen in a movie.
La Nave de los Monstruos

A non-gross male? What the heck??


The introduction to love concepts aren’t why everyone loves this film, it’s just the gravy on top. The real reason for the season is the amazing monster costumes! We got a crosscut of 1950s man in suit monsters, including a boxy robot. The costumes themselves are spectacular, some having appeared in Mexican cinema before, and a few that will show up again almost a decade later.

The Ship of Monsters takes more than just some of the monster designs from American science fiction films, there is a constant mention of radiation and atomic throughout the movie. The men from the planet Venus all died due to atomic sickness, everyone on Tor’s homeworld died due to nuclear radiation, and Zok’s planet had a radioactive disaster that rendered his entire species nothing but walking talking skeletons. While Mexico wasn’t a direct participant in the Cold War, it does lie in close enough proximity to the US that had any sort of nuclear exchange happened, it would suffer dire consequences as well. So the thought must have been on their minds. Mexico didn’t suffer from weapons being used on it like Japan, so their response in film is more a warning of the possibilities, not a reflection of the destruction of war and atomic horror returned in monstrous form.

La Nave de los Monstruos

We demand a creepier cave!


The joy of the monsters on the rampage propels The Ship of Monsters into amazing land, and you should track down a copy as soon as you can. Unfortunately, it only seems to be released as part of double DVDs. Where the heck is Criterion? Get on it, cinephiles! This is movie magic, so break out your wands and Wingardium Leviosa a copy to your player.

Gamma (Ana Bertha Lepe) – Commandress of the interplanetary fleet sent out to find dudes for planet Venus. Helps find a whole pack of gross monsters that are the best the galaxy has to offer. Until she finds a singing cowboy on Earth…
Beta (Lorena Velázquez) – a foreigner to Venus, daughter of Ur, planet of shadows. Is the navigator and secret vampire from Uranus. Goes mad with vampire bloodlust halfway through the film as things get crazy.
Lauriano Gomez (Lalo Gonzalez “Piporro”) – A singing cowboy that somehow becomes the most attractive single male in the galaxy. Helps defeat the monsters when they go berzerk. Is guardian to his younger brother, Chuy.

As all the men on Planet Venus have died due to radiation sickness, the interplanetary fleet is sent out to collect men. During a montage as the credits roll, Gamma and Beta’s ship picks up what is dubbed in the credits as Los Monstruos de las Galaxias:

Tor (himself) – A robot from the dead planet Palis, where everyone was killed in atomic wars. The robot is the only male the women find that they even want to associate with, as he interacts with them while everyone else is shoved in a closet and randomly gassed or froze. Powerful and follows their instructions. Attracted to jukeboxes. The robot suit was used before in the 1958 film Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
Tagual (himself) – Prince of Mars, he mysteriously looks like one of the aliens from Invasion of the Saucer Men. Is very angry about being space kidnapped, and becomes the default leader of Los Monstruos de las Galaxias. Features a cool liquid blood moving in tubes effect that you can barely see most of the time. If you enjoy this costume, it can be seen in a slightly more tattered form in Santo el Enmascarado de Plata y Blue Demon Contra los Monstruos
Uk (himself) – A cyclops and King of fire planet. He’s also angry about being kidnapped and is a warrior. Despite being from the fire planet, he gets set on fire, which one would think he would be used to. If you enjoy this costume, it is also seen again in a more tattered form in Santo el Enmascarado de Plata y Blue Demon Contra los Monstruos.
Utirr (himself) – The grand priest of the Red Planet (which I don’t think is supposed to be Mars, but another Red Planet!), and also a spider. Probably the coolest costume because it’s so grotesque, but I don’t know if it was ever reused by another Mexican film.
Zok (himself) – A skeleton that laughs creepily a lot. He just floats in the air, occasionally moved around by one of the other monsters. His whole race is skeletal thanks to atomic radiation. Is a human skeleton with dog skull.
It’s another Republican primary debate!
Lorena Velázquez El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras

El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras (Review)

El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras

aka Planet of the Female Invaders
El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras
1967
Written by Emilio Gómez Muriel and Alfredo Ruanova
Directed by Alfredo B. Crevenna

El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras

$47 in tickets and I finally won a $2 stuffed bear!


Space ladies have come to Earth, and they’ve come for our m- lungs. They’ve come for our lungs. Not just our lungs, but the lungs of tiny tots, because kid lungs are the best, having not been ruined by decades of smoking (Hey, this is the 1960s!) Once full of Earth Kid Lungs, the Space Ladies will then take over the planet, because what else are you going to do after you steal lungs from a bunch of kids, open an accounting office? Please, like you would get any business, and you’d have to deal with angry mom groups protesting all the time. At least until you blast them with your satellite-directed murder ray. But I digress, the important thing is we got us a cool film with Space Ladies and it’s funky and amazing and direct from Mexico.

El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras is a direct sequel to Gigantes Planetarios, including the same main cast, and even being slightly mirrored to its predecessor (as discussed in the review of Gigantes Planetarios!) But El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras is more fun, has cooler alien enemies, cooler costumes, cooler threats, and even is better written. The ladies do their deeds under the orders of an evil queen, but she has her own problems, a good identical twin who acts as a moral taunt. The Queen cannot bring herself to kill her sister, because of an old superstition that twins share the same soul, and if one is killed, the other will die. So Alburnia gets to be free, much to the annoyance of Queen Adastrea.

Lorena Velázquez El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras

The Olson Twins prepare to break out the knives


El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras is much more well known than its predecessor, largely due to the presence of Lorena Velázquez, Elizabeth Campbell, and Maura Monti as Space Ladies walking around in short shorts and wearing funktacular space helmets that make Daft Punk wish they were cool. The eye candy helped boost the film’s prominence both at home and outside Mexico as it became a cult title.

Part of the fun of El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras comes from the goal of the Space Ladies not being anything releated to finding husbands or needing men in order to repopulate their all-female society. They just want some body parts so they can take over the planet. The men are barely an afterthought. Daniel Wolf and the criminal vie for Queen Adastrea’s feelings (Daniel Wolf doing so while under cover), but her interest in them is partially business related (they will aide the invasion) and she only shows feelings towards Wolf’s character. It could be excised entirely with only a few changed lines.

Lorena Velázquez El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras

What do you mean you have less ridiculous head gear for us?


If you only have time to watch one of the pair, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras is the better choice, but you should make time for La Nave de los Monstruos/Ship of Monsters as it manages to out crazy both of these films, in the best possible way.

Alfredo B. Crevenna was a German director who left Germany in 1938, and at first attempted to get work in the US. After being unable to secure a visa, he immigrated to Mexico and worked on film there, though not without interference from the US. He went on to work on over 150 films, covering a wide variety of genres, from dramas to comedies to lucha libre to horror. Some of his more fantastic works include Santo Contra la Invasion de los Marcianos, Neutron vs. the Maniac, and Adventure at the Center of the Earth. A cool biography about him can be found here.

El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras

Real Queens love Deep Space Nine!


Queen Adastrea (Lorena Velázquez) – Queen of Sibila who is preparing an expedition to Earth to take over and leave their dying world. To do so they need the lungs of healthy children. Has a twin sister Alburnia, who she doesn’t kill due to an ancient belief that twins share the same soul and if one dies, so does the other.
Alburnia (Lorena Velázquez) – The good twin in that she’s not doing evil things and acts as Adastrea’s conscience. Both parts are played by Lorena Velázquez, but she gives each one distinct slight mannerisms to where you can tell them apart even after they’ve switched clothes. Lorena Velázquez, a former Miss Mexico (second place in 1958, winning in 1960), who refused to represent Mexico in the Miss Universe pageant (I could not find out why!) She is a second generation film performer, the daughter of actor Víctor Velázquez (and older sister of actress Teresa Velázquez.) Lorena Velázquez was also one of Las Luchadoras (appearing inThe Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy), as well as Santo Contra los Zombies, Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro, and La Nave de los Monstruos.
Martesia (Elizabeth Campbell) – One of the first wave of Space Ladies sent to Earth, captures the initial batch of humans that includes Silvia and Marcos. Helps abduct a school full of children.
Elizabeth Campbell was an actress who gained fame in the Mexican film industry in the 1960s. There is a lack of information on her before she entered the Mexican film industry in 1961, and what happened after she departed in 1968. Elizabeth Campbell was one of Las Luchadoras, known in the US as the Wrestling Women, in films like The Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy. She can also be seen in Operación 67, and Peligro…Mujeres en Acción.
Eritrea (Maura Monti) – One of the first wave of Space Ladies sent to Earth, captures the initial batch of humans that includes Silvia and Marcos. Helps abduct a school full of children.
Maura Monti was an Italian model/actress who gained fame in the Mexican cinema scene during the 1960s. She’s probably best known for her role as Batwoman in La Mujer Murciélago, as well as appearances in Santo Contra la Invasion de los Marcianos, The Vampires, La Muerte en Bikini, Con Licencia Para Matar, and SOS Conspiracion Bikini
Professor Daniel Wolf (Guillermo Murray) – The famous professor is back, now more famous than ever. He’s once again tricking space women into trusting him with his fake bad boy persona, and defeating alien invasion threats.
Silvia (Adriana Roel) – Daniel Wolf’s secretary is still his secretary, but now she’s dating Marcos. But their first date results in them both being kidnapped by aliens! That’s like the fifth worst first date I’ve seen.
Marcos Godoy (Rogelio Guerra) – Marcos has restarted his boxing career, but now instead of throwing fights, he just takes money for throwing fights and scams the scammers. This is sort of dumb, as now they want him dead. But at least he gets a date with Silvia, before that whole being kidnapped by aliens thing happens.
Rey Taquito (José Ángel Espinosa “Ferrusquilla”) – The manager is slightly more respectful now, in that he’s still doing bad stuff but feels guilty about it. Alerts Professor Wolf to Marcos and Silvia’s kidnapping and joins the trip to go rescue them.
The terrible truth on where migraines come from!
Gigantes Planetarios

Gigantes Planetarios (Review)

Gigantes Planetarios

aka Planetary Giants
Gigantes Planetarios
1967
Story by Alfredo Ruanova
Screenplay by Alfredo Ruanova and Emilio Gómez Muriel
Directed by Alfredo B. Crevenna

Gigantes Planetarios
Mexican science fiction was in a heyday in the 1960s, not only was the lucha libre genre doing strong work and showing masked wrestlers battling all sorts of beings, but there also was a nice batch of exploration scifi. These features would fit in nicely with the 1950s science fiction output in America, especially the many early rocket films that featured long sequences of astronauts preparing for their rocket missions, taking off in their rocket ships, and dealing with every day space annoyances like meteors, which usually meant an extended spacewalk sequence to repair the damage. These films became superseded in the 1960s by films where things don’t take 75 minutes for something to happen. Gigantes Planetarios (aka Planetary Giants) comes off as a nice hybrid of styles. There is still the homebrew science astronauts and slow build to actual rocket flight, but by then we got aliens and dictators and murder, so things are happening!
Gigantes Planetarios
Director Alfredo B. Crevenna and producer Emilio Gómez Muriel decided to save on money by producing two films at once, so Gigantes Planetarios is immediately followed by El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras. The films have a few mirror parallels, but end up being different in tone and quality. While Gigantes Planetarios features the Planet of Eternal Night, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras goes to the Planet of Eternal Light. Gigantes Planetarios has a society dominated by a dictatorial male, while El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras has a society dominated by a dictatorial female (and is an all-woman society!) Both films feature Professor Daniel Wolf pretending to be a tough guy villain in order to fool the aliens. Both films feature an extended boxing match that ends with a character paid to throw the fight. Overall, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras just ends up being more fun, because it fully embraces its campiness while still delivering a good story.

That isn’t to say Gigantes Planetarios is bad, it just takes a while to get going before running around on the alien planet begins. But ultimately, things don’t come together into a bunch of fun, it just goes along being average. And average doesn’t always cut it. There are some golden scenes, especially when the aliens are first invading Earth and blasting people at random. Those darn aliens, who will they blast next?
Gigantes Planetarios

Professor Daniel Wolf (Guillermo Murray) – Famous professor of knowing stuff, he gets involves in the whole aliens coming to Earth and doing sabotage business. Takes over the construction of Professor Walter’s rocketship and flies it to the invading planet to take the fight to the aliens.
Silvia (Adriana Roel) – Professor Wolf’s loyal assistant, she joins the space crew against his wishes and proves herself a valued member of the team as they fight the alien menace.
Marcos Godoy (Rogelio Guerra) – A boxer looking for a place to hid from the mob, he ends up accidentally joining the space mission when he steals the spacesuits of the real pilots.
Rey Taquito (José Ángel Espinosa “Ferrusquilla”) – The comic relief manager of Marcos who also accidentally joins the space mission. Is the older blue collar viewpoint.
El Protector (José Gálvez) – The nefarious dictator of The Planet of Eternal Darkness, bent on harassing Earth and has no regard for the life of his own men.

Gigantes Planetarios