Nude on the Moon
1962
Starring
Marietta as Cathy/Queen Moon Nudist
William Mayer as Dr. Jeff Huntley
Lester Brown as Professor Nickels
Directed by Doris Wishman
The first rocketship to the moon finds…a Nudist Colony! One would think that would make this film exciting. One would be wrong. Back in the days before the internet, before Late Night cable, before VCRs, you had to sneak off to the theater to see naked people. You certainly couldn’t see your wife naked, as she was sleeping in the other twin bed. As an added affront, the nudie films all feature people who are nude in name only, just wandering around topless. Because of things like this, the human race almost died off, millions of males having no knowledge of the female reproductive system, and believing playing volleyball with topless women was how you made babies. While that may have been good for stockholders of sporting goods stores, it did little to help the Baby Boomers figure out the birds and the bees until they all went on acid and figured it out.
This movie’s plot, or single sentence, is “Man goes to moon, gets mooned, goes home.” The five minutes it took to establish the story is padded out by long sequences of driving, long sequences of nudists lying around on the moon, and long sequences of nothing. Nudism has never been more exciting! The entire first two minutes or so is the entire song Moon Doll played to a crude cartoon drawing of the moon. Dean Martin has nothing on this guy, and no one will ever worry about that drawing hitting them in the eye like a big pizza pie over this movie. In the unlikely event you are struck in the eye by moon particles, be sure to wash afterwards, you don’t know where those nudists have been.
Top Rocket Scientist Jeff Huntley and his partner Professor Nickels are trying to get funding for a trip to the moon. Instead of waiting for the government to pay for everything, Jeff uses the $3 million he just inherited from his dead uncle to build a rocketship and fuel for it in only six months. Now, I know inflation is rampant, but something doesn’t seem right. Ignoring that, we get about ten seconds screen time of the rocket, which was picked up at the local grocery store’s toy aisle and filmed with smoke effects for added realism. Jeff Huntley is all science, and has no time for women, much to the shame of his secretary Cathy. Professor Nickels spends most of his time smoking his pipe, looking smug, and watching nudist movies, as a minor plot point is he saw director Wishman’s earlier film Hideout in the Sun. According to legend, that film’s original distributor died in jail and it was lost for forty years because of that. I don’t even know if it still exists, nor shall I ever be caring enough to find out.
So, completely unbuckled and grunting, they leave Earth behind. Earth is strange looking. I don’t mean the distinct lack of clouds, it’s the fact the Earth is COMPLETELY BAKCWARDS! The continents are reversed! We’ve gone through the looking glass here, folks. After leaving Bizarro-Earth, they start to land on the Green Moon. Completely green. Not that they’re seeing it, both of them go to sleep. What professionals, first time in space and it’s instant goofing off. Buzz Aldrin would kick their ass if he ever met them.
They finish landing on the Moon, which is no longer green and now Earth colored, complete with blue sky. They dress in their Power Ranger Light Speed Nudist costumes and descent downward onto the moon. Not bothering to have a classic first line on the moon, they just wander around, looking at the trees and grass they are only somewhat surprised to be seeing on the moon. They’ve got a lot of exposed skin on their moonsuits, and a limited air supply. No time for that, Jeff is getting reactions on the meter. What kinds of reactions? What kind of meter? These are the great mysteries of the moon, and shall forever remain lost on the Sea of Tranquility.
There’s GOLD on them there Green Cheese! The Lunar Gold Rush seems to have been started, except soon they will find an even more settler-attracting find: Naked women! Lots of naked women. And some men who are wearing underwear. So are the naked women. In fact, this nudist colony is not as nude as advertised. Topless on the Moon probably didn’t have the same box office draw. Hey, Queen Moon Nudist looks amazingly like the Secretary that Jeff spurns before, almost as if they’re played by the same actress. But such a cheap plot device would never be attempted by a movie as bad as this one. Jeff and Professor Nickels are captured by underweared security guards for being peeping Toms, but are quickly let go by a topless blonde woman with a wand. This is after Queen Nudists holds a council meeting where she uses telepathy to declare the men come in peace. All of the Moonies are wearing gold antennas, which give them the mind reading abilities. Queen Nudie’s mind voice is a tired whisper, and she uses the phrase “I have spoken.” No, you’ve whispered hoarsely with your mind.
The two men start their science experiments, and Jeff wanders off to flirt with the Queen. Queen just stares at him and slowly moves her arm up and down him. Professor Nickels gets three lovely young ladies wandering around examining his ridiculous space costume. Professor Nickel’s wants Jeff to get back to work “Remember, we’re scientists!” Science and women are two roads that cannot meet. Jeff was really missing out on some Grade A padding. We got nudists who sort of toss a ball-like thing around, nudists who wander around, nudists who sleep. “I’ll make notes of the blonde girl over there…” says Professor Nickels, referring to a sleeping moon maiden. What notes could he possibly be taking? He’s just getting his fix for his weird sleeping fetish. While this is happening, one of the nudist girls starts to make fun of the Professor’s mustach, in the only amusing scene in this entire film. But she’s naked, so you won’t be seeing it here. Rent the DVD folks. Actually, don’t rent the DVD. In fact, deny all knowledge of the moon or nudists.
Who knew nudists could be so damn boring?
Hey, a guy pushing a wheelbarrow, now this film is picking up!
Or not.
Sigh…
“Well, we’ve got some highly useful data, Jeff!” says Professor Nickels, and now it’s time to go. Jeff says goodbye to the Queen, who just smiles at him. At least the film is about to end.
No, lies. All lies. The director must have figured out there was only half an hour of movie here and needed some more scenes of nudists wandering around being naked, because that’s what we get more of. And more. And more. Jeff gives the Queen some candy, and she throws it away but eats the wrapper. This convinces Jeff that she is the perfect woman (hey, she’s naked and doesn’t talk, she’d be considered the perfect woman for a lot of guys I know) and Jeff doesn’t want to leave. He starts going all Spock from the episode “THIS SIDE OF PARADISE” after he’s blasted by flower spores, demanding not to leave because he’s in love. Queen Nudie mind zaps him or something so he’ll leave, though she mindwhispers some diatribe about love.
They end up leaving the moon by using the same green footage, and return to the same footage of the Earth, still 100% cloudless and 100% backwards. They’ve managed to forget their camera, their samples, and all the Moon Gold because they are bad scientists. Thus, no one believes them. No more moon nudeness for them. Jeff’s secretary walks in, and he gives her a good, hard perverted stare for over a minute, then she dissolves to his visualization of her naked. So she sues the crap out of him and retires to Aruba. Or they hug and live happily ever after. He couldn’t even get a kiss out of her? She was naked for 90% of this movie. Good Gravy. Hey, the movie’s still two minutes short, let’s repeat the entire Moon Doll song, this time with a bad drawing of Earth in the sky. With zero credits. The end.
This was directed by the late, great Doris Wishman, who after making a string of nudie pictures in the sixties (including this gem) went on to make two films with Chesty Morgan, Deadly Weapons and Double Agent 73. That brought her the most fame, and Chesty Morgan’s size 73’s brought her screen legend status, though as far as I know she’s dropped off the face of the Earth. Doris Wishman was one of the most prolific female directors in movie history. No wonder, she just set up a camera, let it roll for five hours while half naked people wandered around, and then used the entire thing in a movie! Maybe the non-nudie films had actual stories, but it’s easy to pump out multiple films when you finish them in a day or two. This is just lazy film making. I understand they were probably on a budget that wouldn’t fill up a tank of gas in today’s dollars, but that’s no excuse for this. If you can’t make a movie full of naked people interesting, something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Rated 2/10 (Is that a photo or a Xerox?, Real Scientists watch movies in Nudearama!)
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