Sexy Assassins

2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

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Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino? Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change. Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second. Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.

She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!

Paul momentarily paused, wondering if the mysterious woman who hit on him at the bar had something to do with all those death treats from the mob. “Nah,” he thought, “I’m just totally lucky!”

People having sex?!?!?! OMG, I hope they are properly married! Layla Clapton is going to town on this unnamed character (credited as “Playboy”!) She then goes to town on his face with a pillow, and he becomes the Playboy who cannot breathe. Layla is still having enthusiastic sex with him while she kills him. This nets her a cool $2 million.

Layla’s secretary Serena is sent on an errand, and her boyfriend Max the Messenger says his apartment is totally on the way. Max is a messenger, but not a bike messenger. Because that would mean he couldn’t give Serena a ride to his sex pad. He shows off his comfortable couch at his huge house, and that’s where the tour begins and ends as they soon get too busy touring each other to continue.

Max also stole her date planner, because there’s something suspicious about him…

Max shows up at Layla’s house with a gun, and tells her he’s been hired to kill her. She had her gun drawn on him, then drops it because he won’t kill her if he announces it. Also she wants to hear what he has to say, and why he was waiting on her couch. Max says he was paid $5 million to kill her, but instead wants her client list and to be partners. Layla says she’ll think about it.

Layla has her computer tech guy Mason run Max’s fingerprints, and has sex with Mason while they wait for the results. After getting a match, she goes to see her manager Damon, who hands her her next assignment – Max Houser! She wants Damon to investigate who is paying for this hit, and then the two get it on.

Layla finds that much of the money she’s been paid recently has disappeared, while Serena stops by Max’s place for more sexing. And then handcuffs him to the bed when it’s over! She knows he took her day planner! Layla is staking out Max’s house and sees Serena leave, then goes in to ask Max about the money (and unlock him.)

Max showers up, they chat a bit, and soon are getting it on, people who have had sex twice already today style! After they’re finished, they figure out whoever took Layla’s money is using it to pay Max to kill her.

I’m an Official Messenger, see my Official Messenger Bag?

You can tell her years of assassin training shines when she looks though doors!

Layla then gives Max a demo of her killing style – including seduction of the man and all that. But they just end up making out and it turns into another sex scene. Which at the end she demos the suffocating by pillow bit! This freaks him out a bit. Which is an even more odd thing, considering what he does with this knowledge.

Layla tells Damon she killed Max, and gets him to send the final payment by his laptop. Which allows her to be able to turn on Damon’s webcam…which is quickly hacked by Mason. Thanks to this free show, they can watch to see who Damon is working with. And it turns out to be Serena! Of course, she’s the only other character left…

Serena is ready to move up to the big time as a real assassin, and Damon promises to give her the next assignment. Then they get it on.

Max’s big plan is to show up at Serena’s house and apologize for stealing her day planner, then have sex. So that happens, and at the end, he smothers her with a pillow in a disturbing scene.

Max and Layla are now partners and are planning to blackmail Damon to keep his mouth shut or he’ll get framed for Serena’s murder. Now, I’m no expert on blackmail and assassins, but won’t it be better for Damon to just kill the both of them? Oh, well. This is the murder game, I’m sure they all know how their lives will end. Short and violently.

Max killed Serena using the method he found disturbing when it was demonstrated upon him, but turned that disturbance into acceptance when the tables were turned. He’s like someone who was opposed to WMDs suddenly being okay with using them when they’re used to his advantage. Of course, Max Houser is a killer, so he shouldn’t have qualms like that. The adoption of methods that he is uncomfortable with is just a regular day at the office. And now he’s free to kill more people for money.

Sexy Assassin‘s not sexy ending is a major knock against the film for those of us who aren’t into the whole sexual violence aspect. But I can easily see people who would be into that sort of thing, for which Sexy Assassins will soon jump to the top of their list for awesome scenes. This is a polarizing aspect, and I have made it clear which side I fall on, hence the lower score than usual for a MRG Presentation.

The lack of color in the kitchen should accent the flowers more, but their color combination was too bland. In short, the decorator should watch more HGTV!

The dangers of couch surfing!

Rated 6/10 (Playboy, MRG, statuette, shadowplay, no match, yet another painting)

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