The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve. Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man. Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city. Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith. Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place. Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game. Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess. Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

It’s bowling! Candy is a baller bowler, while Jenn keeps rolling the gutterballs. Fellow bowler pal Lucy isn’t in the lanes tonight as she has a date with some guy named Travis she met on the internet. Their fun date ends in fun sex, then he immediately leaves for “work and stuff” and says he’ll call her, though he calls her Lauri. So, yeah, that went well… How many times have I told you people not to meet dates on the internet? Haven’t you seen the dozens of Lifetime movies about the subject???

At the bowling alley, the landlord Mr. Grabowski comes in with bad news, a hot shot real estate developer wants to buy the property and turn it into a big box shopping center. As the lease they have becomes null once he sells the property at the end of the month, this means bye-bye bowling alley! Candy’s dad built the place with his bare hands and left it to her, she’s committed to sticking it out, and is upset at the news.

Candy goes to talk to her law school boyfriend, Frank, to show him the lease. But first they do some pro-bono boning. But later determines the lease is air-tight.

Jenn and Lucy try to figure out a way to raise money. Their idea is a bikini bowling competition! They even namecheck bikini car washes. The ladies celebrate having an idea by having sex, which is the best way to celebrate creative thinking I can think of. Afterwards, they text Candy with the plan, and she sets up the special night for the Great Bikini Bowling Bash!
then text Candy

It’s Great Bikini Bowling Bash time! We got a crowd! Bowling! Bikinis! Women coming out of their bikinis! Money flying around! Despite this being a winning montage, this is only the middle of the film, so they end up just making around $5000. Which isn’t anything to sneeze at, but hardly will cover the $3 million the real estate developer is offering.

Matt’s idea is to call in Troy Smith, the very famous and very rich professional bowler who grew up here and learned to bowl at that alley. Jenn volunteers to go try to pursued him. Troy balks until Jenn adds sex to the equation. Despite that, Troy comes all the way to the bowling alley to say no. And then he tries to pick up Lucy while he’s denying the group the money to save the place. Needless to say, that doesn’t work, and Matt gets all angsty defending her.

Candy challenges Troy to a bowl-off bet for the money to save the property, and he gets to have sex with all three of the girls if he wins. The ladies will alternate turns to bowl, and Troy had to bowl left-handed. He seems fine with that, the major problem is Lucy and Jenn aren’t the best bowlers in the world, or the town, or even in a room with just the two of them and a random raccoon.

Matt offers to train them, and it’s montage time! Of course, Candy is already awesome, but Jenn and Lucy both improve because that’s what happens when you go through montage training. It’s Movie Law. Which is like Ape Law, except with less bananas and more skill level upgrades.

Lucy and Matt finally hook up back at her place the night before the bet tournament, and Candy and Jenn work out their nerves on each other. Those must be the rewards from the skill level upgrades!

It’s bowling time! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! So many strikes, it’s like the Cubs are up to bat or something!

We are informed that if the two tie, technically the women win because the bet was that Troy would beat them. It’s now the last frame, and they’re both tied. Troy ups the stakes, but only if he can bowl right-handed. The women agree, and then proceed to only bowl a 299! Bad news for them, as it’s now Troy’s turn. But Jenn gives him a kiss for luck, and he suddenly misses the last roll!

The ladies win! The alley is saved! Troy Smith must spends millions instead of having a foursome! Huzzah for everyone!

Things conclude with Lucy and Matt running off to get married! Then Jenn and Candy and Frank all get it on in celebration, bowling celebration threesome style, to the sounds of the dun dun dun song!! Huzzah, the dun dun dun song! This movie is breaking out all the stops to celebrate!

Outside the bowling alley, Troy and Jenn then run into each other, and we get the hint he might have maybe missed a bit on purpose, and they still like each other and walk off together, probably leading to another sex scene that we’ll have to wait until the sequel for. The business is saved, and all is right with the world.

Great Bikini Bowling Bash kept up the fun while twisting the usual plot of having bikinis save the day. It kept from having a main villain by making two adversarial characters either goofy or secretly less of a jerk than they appeared. The only real complaint about the plot would be that it was just a bowling alley. Maybe add a bit of Candy’s dad to make the threat to her family’s business seem more real, or add some of the characters living in apartments above the alley that will lose their homes as well. That’s threatening enough without becoming too serious for a movie about women bowling in bikinis. The good think about these films is you will know whether you are the target audience before you even watch, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash manages to roll that strike. The Synthetic Filmwerx films are clearly done in limited budgets, but they manage to still deliver their punch of goofy stories with softcore scenes that keep audiences tuning in decades after finding real porn on the internet became the easiest thing in the world. Hopefully we’ll still be getting more of these films for years to come.

Rated 7/10 (logo, blackboard, extra, notice, art, bowling ball, bowling ball redeux)

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